December 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

When incompetence gets in our way, it's the computer's fault.

Cats & Dogs & Santa Claus

If cats call their Santa, Santa Claws, what do dogs cal theirs...Santa Paws!

The Bird

"Mom's canary died," my wife, Fry, informed me. But I got her another one and you won't believe how much it cost."
"How much?"
"A hundred and ten dollars."
"You're serious?"
"Yes, a hundred and ten dollars."
"That's a lot, considering people give me the bird for nothing."

Light up his Night
Give him a Coleman for Christmas...it'll light up his night.

December 11, 2010

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the Grim Reaper's helper.

A Farve

He pulled a Favre.
Translation: he changed his mind.

The Good Neighbor

Mike phoned his neighbor. "Hey Tom, wanna have a scotch?"
"Sure."
"Do you have any?"
"Yeah."
"That's great...bring it over with you."

Christmas Bills

Why does Santa get all the credit and all I get is the bills?

December 4, 2010

Schindler Sez
No one likes criticism...even if it's the truth.

It's Bad

Is the stench in the White House so bad that even Rahm had to get the hell out of there?

Looking Stupid

Whenever I see a driver doing something stupid, if I have an opportunity to pass him, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like and usually I'm not disappointed.

Women!

I was sitting at the breakfast table and when my wife walked over, I intentionally looked into my empty coffee cup for a second or two. Somewhat aggravated , she said, "If you wanted some more coffee, why didn't you let me know?"
"Well," I replied, "I thought if I snapped my fingers or whistled; you'd get mad!"
If looks could kill, I'd be dead! Women...they have no sense of humor.

Question

Do alligators call their Santa...Santa Jaws?

November 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
Something is better than nothing!

Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter to me," the customer replied, "I'm bi-sacksual!

In Reverse

Dan was having dinner with his buddy, John, and his wife, Sue, when the conversation turned to women."Women, "Dan said, "are trouble."
"You better reverse that," Sue, snapped.
"Okay,"Dan replied, "Trouble are women."

Can you believe she said this"

"We have to pass the bill (Obama Care), so you can find out what's in it."
--Nancy Pelosi

November 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you take enough steps, you'll get there.


That Smarts

I'm going in for hernia surgery Friday and frankly I'm a little concerned whenever anyone is cutting that close to my manhood. What if the scalpel slipped? Uhooo, I bet that smarts!

The Turkeys

No matter how many turkeys are consumed on Thanksgiving, there will always be plenty to go around. Why...I'll bet you even know a few!

The Cocky Wife

A lady friend once told me, "My husband rules the roost, but I rule the rooster."
Hmmmm, I thought to myself, maybe that's why she's so cocky.

November 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
We believe what we perceive.

The Watch

Cable TV is becoming so expensive that in may cases it cost more than a car payment, which makes me ask, "Is it worth the watch?"

Go Figure

Obama wants everyone to prove they're insured, but they don't have to prove they're citizens. Go figure!

Nameless

Carol, being a dutiful niece, went to see her Aunt Mildred, who was suffering from Alzheimer's and was now in a nursing home. "Do you know who I am?" she asked auntie upon entering her room.
"If you don't know who you are, how do you expect me to know who you are? Hell, I don't even know who I am!"

November 6,2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to wear shoes to tie one on.

The Silent Prayer

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The English Lesson

Indiana State Police Officer, Andy, pulled over a young lady whose license plate light was not working. When she rolled down her window, he detected a strong smell of marijuana. Upon searching her vehicle, he found an ample supply of the weed. The perpetrator's first name, according to her driver's license was Le-a, so Andy said, "Well Le-a, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown."
"My name's not Le-a, it's Le-dash-a. The dash ain't silent, fool!"
With a big grin, Andy thought to himself, it isn't every day I get a free English lesson.

A Doggie's Tale
If your dog's fat...you're not getting enough exercise.

Anonymous

October 30, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's a rare bird that does something for nothing.

Never Never

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket, unless you know how much they're going to take.

The Wiener!

As I was enjoying lunch at the Coney Island hot-dog stand, my waiter came over and asked how I liked my dogs.
"They're wieners," I replied.
He looked at me, shook his head as he walked away and didn't even smile. I guess he didn't think it was that bun-ny.

Wise Words

It's alright to help those who can't...but not those who won't.
Thomas K (only) Hurst

October 23, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't have it...don't spend it.

RPMs

My wife, Fry, asked me why there is a huge RPM gauge in most cars, which, if the truth were known, the majority of drivers have no idea what it means, or what it is for. I know it means revolutions per minute. But, how many revolutions should it be doing at any given time, is still a mystery to me and I'm sure to a lot of other folks.
After discussing how many people really didn't know what it's for, Fry, to prove a point, called Irene, her 88-year-old mother, and asked if she knew what it meant. "Heavens, no," Irene answered, "I don't even turn the radio on."

When

When did a caramel become a care-a-mel?

Compromise

A compromise is an agreement where neither party gets what they wanted.

--Anonymous

October 16, 2010

Schindler Sez
Sometimes it's better to bite your tongue than to tell the truth!

A Fool's Drink

"Gin is a fool's drink. "When I was young," Jim reminisced, "I thought it made me smart, strong, and a stud. But, in actuality, it made me weak, stupid, and a dud."

The Path to Nowhere

Be true to yourself and follow your own path. Whenever you abandon your faith and beliefs and blindly follow the herd that has no idea what it's doing or where it's going, it will definitely take you down the road of sorrow and regret.

Calling

Calling an illegal foreigner an "Undocumented Immigrant," is a little bit like calling a drug dealer an "Unlicensed Pharmacist."

October 9, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's not how long you talk, it's what you say that counts!

Better Quit

My friend, Ed, whom I haven't seen for two or three years, dropped in for a visit and after the usual greetings, I said, "Ed, you look great. How old are you now?
"I'm eighty-four."
"Eighty-four." I repeated, somewhat amazed at how young he looked.
Then, noticing me glance at the cigarette between his fingers, he held up his hand, flicked the ash off the butt, took a big drag and said with a smirk, "Yeah, I guess I better quit, cause I sure as hell don't wanna die young."

The Idiots
Every village used to have one...now they're all in Congress!

Too Busy

The problem with retirement is...you can never take a day off.

--Jerry Henry Sr.

Schindler Sez
Sometimes when people say, "No problem," there is.

Prince Poppycock

After watching, "America's Got Talent," and discussing Prince Poppycock's performance, my eighty-eight-year-old mother-in-law, Irene, said, "I couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl."
"Don't worry," I replied, "I'm not sure he knows."

The Nose Knows

My twenty-five-year-old daughter, Rachel, said, "Dad, you've sure got a big nose."
"It wasn't quite this big when I was young" I replied. "You know your nose keeps growing as you age."
"Dad," she answered, "I just looked at your wedding picture, and you had a big nose then."

Wise Words

If you think something small can't make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.
--Anonymous

September 25, 2010

Schindler Sez
A gloomy day dampens the spirit.

The Miracle

This past Sunday at St. Peter's, attendance was rather sparse when Mass began. A minute or two later, my son, Jimmie, and his wife, Katie, came in and sat next to me. Whispering into Jimmie's ear, I said, "I just prayed to God to send over some more sinners because there's plenty of room, and in you walked"!

Entitlement

The only thing anyone is entitled to...is what they work for.

Pherd

Pherd, an elderly gentleman, was having a little difficulty walking. This Sunday he came to church using a cane.
"Pherd," I asked, "Does that cane make you able?"

September 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

If courtesy is contagious...a lot of people still haven't caught it!

Harry and the Manure

At least 50 years ago, someone told me the following story about President Harry (give em hell) Truman. I really don't know if it's true or not, but it's a damn good story. During a speech to a bunch of farmers, President Truman encouraged them to use plenty of manure to insure a good harvest. After using the term manure several times, the lady sitting next to his wife Bess, whispered in her ear. "Can't you get him to say fertilizer instead of manure?"
"Goodness gracious," Bess replied, "If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say manure."

The Fortunates

Fortunate is the man who makes more money than his wife can spend. Extremely fortunate is the woman who marries such a man.

September 11, 2010

Schindler Sez

Generally speaking, we don't hear the things we don't to hear.

The Fuzz

My old buddy, Joe Jauregui, and I went into the West End restaurant for lunch. When our waitress brought us our drinks, it looked like she was trying to pick something off the table.
"What are you doing,?" I asked.
"Oh, I'm just trying to pick some fuzz off the table."
"Good," I replied. "I hate fuzz...especially when it's in my navel."

Another Wives Tale

I's practically impossible to snore with your mouth closed. Could that be the reason so many wives tell their husbands to keep their mouths shut?

Wise Words
In the race for quality there is no finish line.
Greek Proverb

September 4, 2010

Schindler Sez

Thank God for computers. For without them, who would we blame our screw-ups on?

Close To

Whenever someone ask Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to and I'll get you there."

The Investor's Creed

When the stock market's up, he's a genius.
When the market's down, his broker's an idiot.

Ta-Ta's

There is a T-shirt business called Save The Ta-Ta's. I assume the owners thought the name, Ta-Ta's, would be titillating enough to get everyone's attention...especially the men's.

August 28, 2010

Schindler Sez

If a lot of folks could see their rear view, they wouldn't wear tight pants.

The Signs

While driving over to our son's house, I asked my wife, Fry, "Why do stop signs have eight sides when I only have two?"
Staring at me, with a you-can't-be-serious-look, she said, "That's about the stupidest thing you've ever said. It's like asking, why are railroad signs round, when your head's square?"
Hmmm, I thought, maybe that's why my hat won't fit!'

Beer & Happiness

"Beer is proof that God loves and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

It is

It is what it is, because it's not what it was. However, if it is what it was, it couldn't be what it is.

August 21, 2010

Schindler Sez

The unexpected always happens when you don't expect it.

The Ghost

I attended Catholic schools many many years ago, when I was a kid. Back then, our prayers always started with, "In the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen." A few years ago, the Holy Ghost was replaced by the Holy Spirit. I never could figure out why the church changed it. After all, don't you think the "Ghost" would scare the devil out of a lot more sinners than the "Spirit"?

Two Concerns

Most Politicians have two main concerns. The first is to get elected, or re-elected, and the second is to enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense. Why do you think they spend thousands, if not millions to get (re)elected?

The Happy Organ

The kidney must be the happiest organ in the body. After all, isn't it the only one that gets stoned?

August 14, 2010

Schindler Sez

The problem with being average is...it's so common!

The Unspoken Truth

One should always be able to speak the truth. However, nowadays a lot of folks are reluctant to do so if the truth is not considered politically correct. Suppressing the truth in favor of political correctness has been instrumental in spawning many despotic, socialistic, and fascist societies. And we all know what happened to them. Finally, what is oft-times considered "politically correct," is not always "correct."

A Wife's Duty

I think every housewife believes it's her duty to teach her husband humility. And if at first they don't succeed, as the old saying goes, "They try, try again!"

New Lows

Whenever one's hormones or testosterone affect one's thinking process...logic and common sink to new lows. Just ask me!

July 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
It looks like the Tiger isn't out of the Woods yet.

The Fun Party

Wouldn't the "Tea Party have a lot more fun if they changed their name to the "Long Island Ice Tea Party?" Why, even I'd join!

Partnership

When I was in the seventh grade an old farmer who lived next door gave me this advice. I can still recall it, even though at the time I didn't understand what he meant and I wondered why he was telling it to me. He said, "Son, always remember partnership is a poor ship to sail!" How I wish I had listened to that old man, because it could have saved me a lot of rough sailing!

Nine Months

When I was around 65 years old, I gave my wife my best sexy look and boastfully announced, "Were going to have one more kid."
Giving me her best you must be nuts look, she replied, "We are?"
"Yeah...nine months from tonight!"

August 7, 2010

Schindler Sez

When people start to slow down as they approach a green light fearing it'll turn red, they're usually right.

Only in California

Did you ever listen to the clueless people Jay Leno questions on the sidewalks of California? Obviously, they couldn't find the bathroom if they had the floor plan. And those suckers vote! Oh, my God...that's how she got elected!

A Generational Thing

Maybe it's just a generational thing (which usually means anyone over 50 is a clueless old fart), but whenever I get a new electronic device like a camera, TB, camcorder, or whatever, after studying the manual I'm still lucky if I can turn the damn thing on.
I know these devices are a lot more complex than they used to be, which obviously makes them much harder to operate. However, I'd be willing to wager that a good number of the special features are never used.
I'm sure if these electronic gadgets were simplified, and have just an on/off button, one to record, view, reverse, and delete, they'd sell a lot more of them. Not only to older folks, but also to quite a few younger people who are like me, technically challenged. Thank God, I have kids that can show me how those damn things work. Otherwise, technically speaking of course, I'd be an ignoramus!
Please...no comments from the peanut gallery.

July 24, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you're out of your league...don't play the game.

Squish

Since we've eradicated almost all of the wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other predators, just think how many raccoons, possums, skunks, and who knows what else we'd have, if it weren't for the greatest predator of them all...the automobile. And that's flat out the truth. Squish!

Holly's Sideburns

Holly just got a new hairdo, and for some reason the beautician pulled two strands of hair down along the front of her ears. When I first saw her,I thought they resembled Elvis' sideburns. So naturally, being an insensitive slob, I said, "Why the sideburns?"
That evening when she went home, she asked her husband, Steve, "Do you know what Jimmie said to me today when he saw my new hairdo?"
"No, what?" Steve answered. He said, "Why the sideburns?
"Well, " Steve replied, "I was wondering when you're going to shave."

July 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

Lary Knows Lary

"Lary," his friend, Pizzie, asked, "have you ever been married?"
"Nope," Lary answered, "I'm not that stable."

The Country Conception

One Sunday, in a small rural, Indiana town, Jerry dropped into his son Dave's house for a visit. After jawing for awhile, they decided to go get some more beer. Somewhere outside of town, on a dusty, remote, country road, Jerry pulled over and just sat there.
"Why did ya pull over her for, dad? Do you have to go?"
"No, son, I just wanted you to see where you were conceived. But don't tell your mother I showed ya."

More Wise Words

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have."

--Thomas Jefferson

July 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
Want rain? Wash your car.

The Addictions

Thirty-year-old, Bill was telling his friend Dan, "I was addicted to alcohol and if it wasn't for Alcoholic Anonymous; I'd probably still be one."
"I had an addiction once," Dan confessed.
"You did?"
"Yeah, I was addicted to sex...but my wife cured me!"

Wise Words

Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them later!

...most bad government results from too much government.
--Thomas Jefferson

July 3, 2010

Schindler Sez

I've been to San Francisco and , thank God I didn't leave my heart there because I wouldn't want people to think I'm a heartless old...well you get the idea.

You Cannot

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

--Abraham Lincoln

The Calves

Jimmie's mom said to her friend, Mary, "Look at his calves."
"Wow," her friend exclaimed, "they're huge! They look just like yours. But, I have to admit, they look a lot better on a guy!"

The Fourth

It's amazing how much a fifth will make the Fourth more fun.

June, 26, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't spend your way to prosperity!

Buttercup

Bill and Dave were remodeling Lisa's kitchen when she asked, "Bill, what's the name of your helper? I've never met him."
"Oh, we just call him Buttercup."
Later, when Lisa wanted to ask Dave something, called out Buttercup several time to get his attention. Finally, he turned around, looked at her, then the dog, and started back to work.
Lisa, a little red-faced from embarrassment, approached Bill with, "You don't really call him Buttercup, do you?"
Despite that embarrassing episode, to this very day, whenever Lisa runs into Dave she, good naturedly of course, call him Buttercup. But, if she really knew him, she wouldn't call him that, because he doesn't smell that sweet.

The Black Sheep
If you don't know who the black sheep of your family is...it's you!
-Craig Huse

June 19, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

As a Rule
As a rule a man's a fool.
When it's hot he wants it cool.
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not!
-Anonymous

Sit
Did you ever notice that when you were a kid, you were told to sit up, and now that you've grown up, you're told to sit down?" Or don't you give a sit?

The Lost Ping

I'm so dumb that years ago, when I played table tennis, I thought I was playing ping-pong. Oh well, as I aged, I guess I did lose a lot of ping in my pong.

June 12, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you want to see your worst picture, look at your driver's license.

The Author

My baptismal name is James Arthur Schindler. However, since I have written two books and am currently writing a couple of newspaper columns, my wife now calls me James Author. "But," she warned me, "don't let it go to your head, it's already fat enough!"

The Good Kisser

Even though his ratings sucked, NBC paid Conan O"Brien something like $32.5 million to leave, and Conan griped that NBC gave him the short end. I wish someone would mistreat me like that. If they did, instead of complaining, I'd kiss their derriere. And my wife says I'm a pretty good kisser, in case anyone wants to take me up on the offer and give me $32.5 million.

A Dark Condition

People who text while driving, are indubitably suffering from that rapidly growing condition called uppis.

June 5, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't try...nothing happens.

Before, During, or After?

As I was having breakfast with my old Decatur friends, Bob Cook, who will turn 90 this month; Sim Haines, who is 85; and Joe Jauregui, who is only 73, Sim mentioned that tonight a really good movie "Broken Trail," was going to be on TV. "It's four hours long, he went on, looking at Bob. "So you'd better take a nap."
"Before, during, or after?"Bob quipped with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin.

A German Fry

My wife's maiden name is Freistroffer, and her first name is Fry. It really is! But, I want you all to know she's not a French Fry, she's a German Fry.

Twice

"I made a mistake once."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I got married twice!"

May 29, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's always easy...when you know how!

The Thinker

A few years ago there was a popular slogan, "Think before you drink." So when a preacher ran into a young man who just stumbled out of a bar, he said, "Son, did you ever hear the slogan, "Think before you drink?"
"I am thinking," the young man answered slurring his words.
"You are?" questioned the preacher man.
"Yeah, I'm thinking about having one more...before I have another."

Not Another

I must admit that I enjoy life, like to kid around and am kind of a funny guy. So today, when my office manager, Holly, told a corny joke, my son, Jimmie, looked at me and said, "Dad, she's turning into you."
"Oh God," I replied, "I hope not. I couldn't stand another me!"

Definition

Uppis: what a person is suffering from when he goes around with his head uppis derriere.

May 22, 2010

Schindler Sez

I don't care what they say or write about me, as long as they spell my name right. And it doesn't start with Shi, even though that might suit some people to a "t".

You go, Uncle Milty!

There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Or, as Uncle Milty (Milton Berle) so wisely put it, "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

No Principals

One day, shortly after my sister-in-law, Mary Keefer, was appointed principal of Bishop Luers High School, I called her to congratulate her on her new position. "Mary," I said, "Congratulations! I didn't know you had any, and now you are one!"

I'm Here

Sometimes when I'm at a restaurant, the server will deliver the food, set it down, and say, "There you go."
I then reply, "Where do I go? I thought I was here!"

www.jamesaschindler.com

May 15, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't teach what you don't know!

The Lousy Excuse

We've all heard the excuse, "I don't have time," which really means I don't want to do it. But isn't it strange how people can always find the time to do the things they want to do?

Not So Fast Doc

About 10 years ago, my 13-year-old, Rachel went in for back surgery. A few minutes before she was to be wheeled into the operating room, Dr. Buchholz came in to explain the procedure to us. He told us what he was going to do, and then said that the surgery usually took about three hours. He also explained that since Dr. La Salle was going to assist him, he felt that he would be finished in about an hour and a half. Rachel was listening intently, but when he said that, she raised her head off the cart, looked at the good doctor and said, "Dont rush it!"

A Clean Ending

If all the paperwork in the world was put on highly absorbent sheets, two ends could be served!

May 8, 2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own the tree...to enjoy the fruit!

Baustin and the Cop

In Lima, Ohio, there is an intersection which has a sign reading "no left turn," since turning left meant that you'd have to cross a five-lane highway. However, Angie looked both ways and, seeing no traffic, or cops, decided to save time and made a left turn. In a matter of seconds, she heard the wail of a siren and saw flashing lights in her rearview mirror.
As soon as the patrolman approached her car, Baustin, her four and a half year-old-son, yelled, "Are we going to jail?"
The trooper chuckled and said, "No, son, I just want to talk to your mother." On getting the information he needed, he returned to his squad car.
A couple of minutes later, as the patrolman again approached the perpetrator's car, Baustin excitedly shouted out the window, "Are we going to be on "Cops"?"

Not Enough

I know a guy who wanted a job as a census taker, but he didn't have enough fingers.

May 1, 010

Schindler Sez
I know an old grouch who is about as happy as he's never been.

That's Fair

Life isn't always fair and sometimes bad things do happen to good people. But overall, more good things happen to the good than to the bad, and more bad things happen to the bad than to the good...and that's fair!

Three Steps to Professional Excellence

Be well groomed and dress appropriately.
Act like a professional in your speech an mannerisms.
Continuously learn as much as possible about your profession.

Grandma Knows

"My goodness, Joe," Grandma said, "You sure are losing your hair."
"Grass doesn't grow on a race track," Joe answered.
"Right," Grandma replied, "and it doesn't grow on a cement block, either!"

April 24, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't believe there are a lot of idiots out there, you haven't been driving much!

David

On TV, a few months ago, it showed the renowned, seventeen foot marble statue of the nude David by Michelangelo. One of the observers was a young boy about six years old. Upon viewing the statue, he said, "Gee dad, it looks like he just came out of the water!"

The Good Investment

When Tom told Max, he lent Larry fifty bucks, Max said, "Are you nuts? He's borrowed money from everyone in town. You can kiss that fifty bucks goodbye."
"Oh no," Tom responded. That's the best money I've ever spent!"
"How do you figure?" Max wanted to know.
"Because I'll never see that son-of-a-bitch again!"

There Egos
A man who is satisfied with himself doesn't need an ego.
--Thomas (K only) Hurst

Why

Why do they put turn signals on cars when nobody uses them?
--Joey

April 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

We all have flaws. I'd tell you mine...but it would take too long!

Bed Head

Today's disheveled men's hairstyles seem to be all the fashion. However, when I grew up in the 1940s and '50s, we called those styles exactly what they seemed to be...bad cases of "bed head."

Almost Ready

Did you ever notice that when the wife says, "Okay, honey, I'm ready, (meaning she's ready to leave), she's not? What she truly means is she'll be ready sometime in the near future!

The Chile Bowl

Five-year-old Nathan was listening to his mother tell her friend about Margie's forthcoming nuptials.
"Where is she getting married?" her friend asked.
"In Chile."
"Chile?"
"Yes, Chile."
"Wow," Nathan said in awe, "they really must have a big bowl!"

Can't never did noth'n!

April 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you never had any bad times...you've never lived.

I'll Kill Ya

Rachel's dad was 50 years older than she was. Several times she told him that he better not die before she got married, because she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. One day, when the subject again came up, she blurted out, "Dad, you better not die before I get married...or I''ll kill ya!"

By Hook or by Crook

Because a politician got elected doesn't mean that he/she was the smartest or most qualified candidate. It just means that , either by hook or by crook, they got the most votes.

The Tiger

It's a jungle out there...even for the "Tiger," and I ain't lion.

Larry's Definition
Viagra: a combination of Miracle Grow and Fix a Flat.

Sneezles

When most people sneeze, they sneeze once or twice. Some folks sneeze tow or three times. Anyone who sneezes more than that obviously has the sneezles!

April 3, 2010

Schindler Sez
Truth: a word foreign to most politicians.

The Nice Trooper

Indiana State Trooper Andy was taking a young man to jail for DUI. "You sure a nice guy," the intoxicant said.
"What makes you say that?" Andy asked.
"Cause you didn't faser me."
"You mean taser?"
"No man, Faser, that's what we call it in the hood."
"What's your name?" Andy asked.
"James Bond."
"James Bond; are you sure?"
"Yes sir, that's my name. Boy, you sure are nice. The last time I got arrested I didn't have my ID, and when I told the cop my name was James Bond, he hit me with his flashlight."
"Well," Andy joked, "I guess he was lucky you didn't put his light out!"

March Madness
March madness is driving me nuts!

March 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
A lot of women will do almost anything...except clean the house!

Can I Go?

A lady friend excitedly told me that she was going to New York City on a bus trip with a group of women this weekend.
"Are you going to the opera?" I asked.
"No."
"To a Broadway play?"
"No."
"Sightseeing?" "
"No, we're going shopping."
"Shopping? You mean you're going all the way to New York to go shopping?"
"Yeah, you can get Coach Purses really cheap there."
"What does the trip cost?"
"It cost 350 bucks. That's for the bus and hotel."
"Does that include meals?"
"No, we have to buy them."
"Let me get this straight," I said, somewhat puzzled. "You mean to tell me you're going to spend three days and 350 bucks plus, to save 30 bucks on a purse?" Sounds like a real deal to me. Can I go along?"

March 20, 2010

Schindler Sez

Too many people live lives of faded, unfulfilled dreams!

Twenty Minutes

A few days ago I stopped off at the pharmacy to get a prescription for an old friend. The paharmist took one look at it and said, "This'll take about 20 minutes."
"Twenty minutes? Doesn't that come pre-packaged?"
"Yesssss."
"Then just hand me the package, and I'll pay and be on my way."
"But I have other orders ahead of you."
"Other orders," I said, looking around. "There's no one else here!"
With a scowl on his face, the pharmacist took my prescription and disappeared behind the counter.
But I have to admit he was right. It took 20 minutes!

The Badge
A Rolex is a badge of insecurity.
Thomas K. (only) Hurst

March 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
Rich is when you don't have to work,
and still have enough money to live comfortably.

The Unfashionable Designers

Fashion is a matter of opinion, personal preference, and taste. Just because some New York, tinkle toed designer doesn't care for a particular type of clothing, doesn't mean it's not in good taste or stylish. Have you ever noticed how some of those fashion gurus look and dress? Enough said!

Not Anywhere

Louie was having dinner with his wife at their favorite restaurant, Bandido's, when she noticed that he had slopped salsa all over the front of his shirt.
"Look at you," she said disgustedly, "your shirt is a mess. It's embarrassing!"
"Sorry," he answered, "I guess i just cant take myself anywhere."

A Fairy Tale?

Is the global warming story just another fairy tale?

March 6, 2010

Schindler Sez

It's hard to have a sunny disposition on a rainy day.

If you think the poem on the following blog is too taxing, you ain't seen noth'n yet.

Death & Taxes
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tas his ties, and tax his shirt.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his income, tax his cash.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,
Taxes drove him to his doom.
And when he's gone, he can't relax,
He still must pay inheritance tax!

Death & Taxes
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tax his ties and tax his shirt.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his income, tax his cash.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his toomb,
Taxes drove him his doom.
And when he's gone, he can't relax,
He still must pay inheritance tax!
Anonymous

February 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
When you stop getting old...you're dead.

Even Congress doesn't want it!

If we can't have the same health-care plan that Congress has, then they should be covered by the same program they're trying to shove down our throats. If it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for them. But, you can bet your sweet derriere Congress won't agree, because theirs is a hundred times better!

The Good Framer

Recently, I bought a painting and as I was paying for it, the clerk asked if I would like it framed.
"Who's going to frame it? I asked.
"I am," she replied.
"Are you any good?"
"I'm fabulous," she answered. "There is only one person better than me, and he taught me how, but he's retired now."
"Well," I quipped, "If you're that good, you must be frameous!"

February 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
Bye Bayh!

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financial guru who bilked his friends and clients out of billions of dollars is now in the slammer for life, because he madoff with their money.

Monkeying Around

Arthur was having dinner with his 23-year-old daughter, when the subject of AIDS came up.
"Where did AIDS come from:" she asked dad.
"I heard it came from monkeys," he answered.
"But, how did monkeys get it?"
"Probably from monkeying around!"

February 13, 2010

Schindler Sez

A lot of people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you really want to hear...and that's "the truth."

Cramming

Lisa's dad, Lyman, retired and is now living the good life in Flordia. "I always wondered why so many older folks go to church on Sunday," he said, "and I finally figured it out."
"Why?" Lisa wanted to know.
"Shucks, they're just cramming for the finals!"

They Can't Handle Bars

When I went to high school in Decatur, a small Indiana town in the early 1950s, not too many guys had cars. But there were a couple of kids who drove brand new cherry red convertibles and those guys always seemed to get the prettiest girls. This taught me a valuable lesson. Pretty girls don't like to ride on handlebars!

February 6, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you can't stop...don't start!

Hugging Aunt Kathryn

Ninety-five-year-old Aunt Kathryn was in St. Joseph's Hospital, recovering from a hip operation. She was in extreme pain and a little confused and disorientated from all the medication, when my wife, Fry, and I walked into her room. Lynn, her niece, told us she wasn't feeling too good and it would probably be better if we kept our visit short.
After Fry talked to her for a little while, Aunt Kathrytn asked me, "Would your wife be upset if you gave me a hug?"
"No, Aunt Kathyrn, I'd be glad to give you a hug."
After leaving the hospital, I said to my wife, "It isn't every day a 95-year-old-lady ask me for a hug."
"Yeah," Fry replied, "You've still got it, honey!"

Good To Know

"A full belly makes a dull brain."

--Benjamin Franklin

January 30, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't try...nothing happens!

Nuuuns!!! Nuuuns!!!

My son, John was five in the summer of 1970, and one of his favorite TV programs was "The Flying Nun." One sunny day, as he was sitting on the porch at our house on Second St. in Decatur, two nuns from St. Joseph's Catholic School (they still dressed in the full-length habits back then) came walking by.
As soon as John spotted them, he jumped off the porch and ran after them shouting, "Nuuuns...nuuuns!" They turned around, saw this little boy coming lickety-split towards them, and waited for him to catch up. As soon as he did, he looked up at them and excitedly shouted, "Can you fly?"

Next To

Whenever some one asks Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to, and I'll get you there."

An Idiotic Question

If every village has only one, how can there be so many on the highways?

January 23, 2010

Schindler Sez

At least 90 percent of all convicts are innocent. If you don't believe me...ask them!

Just and Reasonable

An airline's main business is transporting people from one location to another. Anyone with a brain knows this is accomplished by selling seats. Consequently, if a person, for whatever reason, needs two seats, why shouldn't he/she pay for them? If one requires more than one seat, how can that be prejudice if they have to pay for what they use? After all, isn't it just and reasonable to conclude that...if your use it, you must pay for it? Finally, if they don't pay for the seats they use, other passengers will eventually be charged more to make up for the lost revenue and that is neither just nor reasonable.

A Great Day

I went to the hospital to see my old friend Bob Cook, who had a serious heart problem and was in the coronary care unit. "Bob," I said, "how ya' feeling?"
"Oh, I feel pretty good now, but yesterday I had a great day."
"You did?"
"Yeah, Tom Sefton, my undertaker, came up for a visit and he left without me!"

Schindler Sez

Do you think a little oinkment would help those who have swine flu?

Grandpa's Lessons

Every Saturday, Grandpa Tom would take his granddaughter to lunch. He would also have a special treat for her, like taking her to a movie or going to the zoo. One particular Saturday, grandpa wasn't feeling up to par, so grandma filled in. When they came home grandpa asked the apple of his eye if she had a good time."We really had fun." the granddaughter answered, "and we never saw one son-of-a-bitch or horses' ass!"

Lying Eyes

Sometimes, when I go into one of my Bandido's Mexican Restaurants and see something that isn't the way it's supposed to be and the manager or employee says, "I don't know what happened; it's never like that," I tell them this story.
There was once a man making love to his girlfriend when his wife walked in. As soon as he saw her, he jumped out of bed, ran up to her and said, "Honey, are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"

January 9, 2010

Schindler Sez

If everyone was the same...life would be pretty damn boring.

The Toilet Seat

I don't know why some women get so upset when a man doesn't lower the toilet seat. I'd think that they'd be happy he raised it. After all, isn't it easier to put it down than to wipe it off?

Hittin' Bottom
(An ode to the porcelain Throne)

"The seat was up again," she said,
As angry as can be.
"I lifted it, to keep it dry,
So you wouldn't ge mad," said he.

"I sat down," she continued on,
"and fell right in...you lout!"
"My dear," said he, "You might have drowned,
Thank God you bottomed out!"

A No-Brainer

Never let your mouth work faster than your brain!

January 2, 2010

Schindler Sez
"You can't have a first class operation with second class people."

A Healthy Plan

I think it's obvious that our health care system needs to be overhauled. There are just too many people who cannot afford health insurance. Even for the insured, a major illness or disease could, financially speaking, wipe out entire families and force countless hard working Americans into bankruptcy.
However, rather than Congress trying to shove a 2,000 page health care bill down our throats, that in all probability not a damn one of them read, know what it's going to cost, or how to pay for it; wouldn't it be better if they took a few months to study some of the best health care programs throughout in the world that really work. Like the ones in Germany, Japan, and some of the other countries.
Then Congress could incorporate the best features from these programs and come up with a plan that would truly work, be cost effective, and in the best interest of all Americans. To me, this makes so much sense, that I'm certain many of our, to hell with my constituents what's in it for me, congressman would never consider this approach.

No Crap

Tonight I finished off what had to be about a gallon of that horrible concoction that one has to drink to clean out their colon before a colonoscopy. And let me tell you, for about six hours Mr. John was my best friend. That is, until that awful drink finished its dirty work. Well, at least now no one can say, "I'm full of crap!"

December 26, 2009

Schindler Sez

Merry Christmas to Jeff Coleman, aka; the "California Kid," and all my friends, relatives and readers. Happy New Year and may 2010, be the best year you've every had. God bless.

The Game of Life

A few years ago when my son Jimmie was a senior at the University of Notre Dame, like many college students, he partied until the wee hours of the morning, slept at least until noon,lived on fast food and spent hours playing video games. During Christmas break he practically lived in the rec-room in our basement, and as I walked in on him he was playing one of his favorite games.
"Jimmie," I said, "There is more to life than eating, sleeping, and excreting. What have you done today to improve your mind or yourself?" Glancing at me, he continued to play. "In the long run, "I continued, "Do you know the only game that really counts?" It's the game of...,"
"Life, Dad. The game of life."
"Well, son, then maybe you'd be better off if you started to learn how to play that game!"

Partnership

When I was in the seventh grade an old farmer who lived next door gave me this advice. I can still recall it, even though at the time I didn't understand what he meant and I wondered why he was telling it to me. He said, "Son, always remember, Partnership is a poor ship to sail." How I wish I had listened to that old man, because it could have saved me a lot of rough sailing!