January 29, 2011

Schindler Sez

Everyone has a photographic memory, but not too many people get the picture.

Can you imagine a world with out men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

--Nicole Hollander

Can you imagine a world without women? No nagging and lots of beer, sports and merriment.

--Schindler

You Be The Judge

Have you noticed that the cheats, liars, murderers' and other lawbreakers are never sorry until they get caught" Which makes me wonder, are they really sorry, or are they just pretending to be, so they'll get a lighter sentence? Some of the sentences being handed out definitely show, that in a lot of cases, many judges can't tell the difference.

The Spigot

Now that I'm in my mid-70s and have finally reached middle age, sometimes, for no reason at all, my eyes will start watering and the tears pour down my cheeks. This really irritates me because I didn't turn the spigot on.

January 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never try to please everybody...it can't be done!

The Laughing Dutchman

Jon came to the United States from Holland 50 years ago, when he was only five years old. After talking with him for a while, Eric asked, "Do they still have windmills in Holland, or just windbags?"
"A little bit of both," Jon answered, laughing."
Jon's laughter told Eric his comment didn't get him in Dutch.

Old vs. New

Far too many years ago, it used to be how good can we build it? Now it seems to be, how cheap can we build?If you don't believe me, just compare the old churches, government building, etc, to the new ones.

The Last shall be First

Is it true that the sinners and holier-than-thous sit in front of the church, the faithful in the middle, and the quick escape artists in the back? All I know is the Bible says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." So, since I was the last one in, and since I believe in the Bible, I feel like I'm obligated to be the first one out. See ya!

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

January 15, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you were never naughty, you never had much fun.

We See You

Never do brain surgery with your index finger while you're driving. We can still see you!

The Leftovers

Jim was attending a University of St. Francis' football game with his friends Tom and Margie. At halftime, he decided to go get something to eat. On returning to his seat, Jim started to wolf down his chili dogs, like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. As a result, chili sauce began to dribble all over his tie. (Don't you dare to think it was me; I don't wear a tie). Anyway, Margie noticed and said, "Jim, you're getting chili sauce all over you tie."
"That's okay," Jim replied, "When I get home, I'll put it in the freezer and have it for lunch."

Love & Alcohol

Alcohol increases the desire, but ruins the performance.

--Paraphrasing Shakespeare

January 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
A girl always seem prettier, when her daddy's rich.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Would Santa be as jolly, if he was skinny?

The Beer Salesman

Throughout the first half of the 1900s, beer salesmen would make their rounds of the taverns in their area, trying to convince the thier clients t0 drink their particular brand of beer. Usually, the salesmen would buy all the patrons in the bars they visited, a round of the beer they were pushing, hoping they might like it and start to drink that brand..
It didn't take too long for the thirsty sots, excuse me, I mean customers, to figure out the salesman's modus operandi. For example, when the salesman would leave Decatur, Indiana's, Green Kettle, one of the customers would run out the back door and spread the word to his buddies, who were also exceedingly fond of anything brewed, that he was in town. Then it was just a matter of following him, like the rats followed the Pied Piper, from bar to bar, enjoying the complimentary nectar of the gods. After all, the local imbibers theorized, It wouldn't be polite to refuse such a gracious offer.
Needless to say, the day the beer salesman showed up, was an auspicious occasion, and at least on that day, he was definitely the most popular guy in town. Bottoms up. Hic!

January 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you go looking for trouble...you'll usually find it.

The Break

You can break a glass, you can break a leg, and you can bust your butt, but what gets broken more than anything in the world? New Year's resolutions!

My Resolution
I made a resolution on,
New Year's Day to keep,
No matter how I struggled,
I broke it in a week.

Oh Lord, give me the strength
To keep, the promise that I made,
To do not things I shouldn't do,
And help me to behave.

I can resist most everything,
I know that's good for me,
But I can't resist temptation,
Without the help of Thee.

So Lord, please hold me in your hand,
But squeeze me not too tight,
And let me loose in a couple of hours,
Cause tonight is Saturday night.

December 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
Short sermons make happy parishioners.

The Egg & Nog

Rudolph had a red nose,
The reindeer were agog.
They thought it was a miracle,
But he loved his egg and nog!

Jason's Hope

Twenty-seven-year-old Jason called his father after he checked into a four-star hotel in Chicago. "Dad, they're having a Victoria Secret audition here and there must be a least a thousand girls in the hotel."
"Are they cute?"
"They're gorgeous. They have to be, to be Victoria Secret models.
"Are you going to ask one out?"
"Yeah, but I figure if I ask them all out, one of them is bound to say yes!"

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

To all my readers and friends in Decatur and Adams County, you're the best!