June 11, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own a donkey to kick ass!

Father's Day
On June 19th,
Don't forget dad,
If it wasn't for him,
You might have been bad.

Amber

When I asked the lay, who assisted my dentist today, what her name was, she said, "Amber."
"Amber," I repeated, "when you go home ask your husband what his favorite color is. If he doesn't say Amber...slap him."

The Smart Phone

"Dad," my son Jimmie, asked, "Why don't you get a smart phone?"
"Son," I replied, "I never buy anything that's smarter than me."

June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!