July 24, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you're out of your league...don't play the game.

Squish

Since we've eradicated almost all of the wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other predators, just think how many raccoons, possums, skunks, and who knows what else we'd have, if it weren't for the greatest predator of them all...the automobile. And that's flat out the truth. Squish!

Holly's Sideburns

Holly just got a new hairdo, and for some reason the beautician pulled two strands of hair down along the front of her ears. When I first saw her,I thought they resembled Elvis' sideburns. So naturally, being an insensitive slob, I said, "Why the sideburns?"
That evening when she went home, she asked her husband, Steve, "Do you know what Jimmie said to me today when he saw my new hairdo?"
"No, what?" Steve answered. He said, "Why the sideburns?
"Well, " Steve replied, "I was wondering when you're going to shave."

July 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

Lary Knows Lary

"Lary," his friend, Pizzie, asked, "have you ever been married?"
"Nope," Lary answered, "I'm not that stable."

The Country Conception

One Sunday, in a small rural, Indiana town, Jerry dropped into his son Dave's house for a visit. After jawing for awhile, they decided to go get some more beer. Somewhere outside of town, on a dusty, remote, country road, Jerry pulled over and just sat there.
"Why did ya pull over her for, dad? Do you have to go?"
"No, son, I just wanted you to see where you were conceived. But don't tell your mother I showed ya."

More Wise Words

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have."

--Thomas Jefferson

July 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
Want rain? Wash your car.

The Addictions

Thirty-year-old, Bill was telling his friend Dan, "I was addicted to alcohol and if it wasn't for Alcoholic Anonymous; I'd probably still be one."
"I had an addiction once," Dan confessed.
"You did?"
"Yeah, I was addicted to sex...but my wife cured me!"

Wise Words

Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them later!

...most bad government results from too much government.
--Thomas Jefferson

July 3, 2010

Schindler Sez

I've been to San Francisco and , thank God I didn't leave my heart there because I wouldn't want people to think I'm a heartless old...well you get the idea.

You Cannot

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

--Abraham Lincoln

The Calves

Jimmie's mom said to her friend, Mary, "Look at his calves."
"Wow," her friend exclaimed, "they're huge! They look just like yours. But, I have to admit, they look a lot better on a guy!"

The Fourth

It's amazing how much a fifth will make the Fourth more fun.

June, 26, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't spend your way to prosperity!

Buttercup

Bill and Dave were remodeling Lisa's kitchen when she asked, "Bill, what's the name of your helper? I've never met him."
"Oh, we just call him Buttercup."
Later, when Lisa wanted to ask Dave something, called out Buttercup several time to get his attention. Finally, he turned around, looked at her, then the dog, and started back to work.
Lisa, a little red-faced from embarrassment, approached Bill with, "You don't really call him Buttercup, do you?"
Despite that embarrassing episode, to this very day, whenever Lisa runs into Dave she, good naturedly of course, call him Buttercup. But, if she really knew him, she wouldn't call him that, because he doesn't smell that sweet.

The Black Sheep
If you don't know who the black sheep of your family is...it's you!
-Craig Huse

June 19, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

As a Rule
As a rule a man's a fool.
When it's hot he wants it cool.
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not!
-Anonymous

Sit
Did you ever notice that when you were a kid, you were told to sit up, and now that you've grown up, you're told to sit down?" Or don't you give a sit?

The Lost Ping

I'm so dumb that years ago, when I played table tennis, I thought I was playing ping-pong. Oh well, as I aged, I guess I did lose a lot of ping in my pong.