December 19, 2009

Schindler Sez

A lot of people talk a good game, but only a few play one!

Santa Comes Tonight

On the way home from our family's Christmas Eve party at our son John's house, with our younger children--Jimmie 22, Heidi 21, and Rachel, 19--I asked them if they wanted to open their gifts that night or the next morning (Christmas). Jimmie and Rachel wanted to open their gifts that night, but Heidi wanted to wait until Christmas morning.
"Heidi," I asked, "why do you want to wait until tomorrow?"
"Because," she innocently answered, "Santa doesn't come until tonight!"

Mistakes

There are two kinds of people who never make mistakes. The first kind never does anything, and the second kind is dead! Anyone who does anything at all will make them. So I never worry about making a mistake. But as soon as I realize that I did, I try to correct it as quickly as possible.

Fluzies

Did you know pigs have their own flu viruses? Now those damn swine are trying t give them to us. Fluzies!

December 12, 2009

Schindler Sez

Eat less...live longer.

Listen Listen Listen

It pays to listen to everyone, for everyone, in some way, is mentally your superior. There is not a person on earth who doesn't know more about something than you do. So if you listen carefully to each person whom you meet, you might be surprised what you can learn.

The Face on the Bar Room Bore

In 1966, I was 32 years old, and for the first time in my life I grew a beard. I kept it well trimmed and, frankly, I thought that I looked quite handsome. One day, as my wife and I were having dinner and a few drinks at Tony's Tap, a Decatur watering hole, some friends of ours, Tom and Peg Sefton, joined us. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, Peg looked at me and said, "I really like your beard."
"You do?" I replied, hoping to hear more.
"Yes," she continued, "It hides so much of your face!"

December 5, 2009

Schindler Sez

If someone else pays for your mistakes, you're not going t learn much.

A Funny Picture

A few days after my first column, Schindler Sez, appeared in my hometown paper, the Decatur Daily Democrat, I rang up my old Decatur buddy, Joe Jauregui and his wife Maxine answered the phone. "Maxine, did you read my column?" I asked.
"Yeah, I read it," she replied.
"Did you like it?"
"Yeah...I laughed as soon as I saw your picture."

Tall Hog

No matter how big or small you are, if you're the only hog at the trough, you're tall hog.

Wives Rule

If it's true that in the Bible it says, "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands in all things," then why is it generally the other way around?

November 28, 2009

Schindler Sez

Don't pat yourself too hard on the back. It will not only irritate others, but you might break your damn arm.

More BSS

I know a lot of you folks will never believe this, but it's true. In 1956, I graduated from John Carroll University, with a BSS degree. In case you're wondering what BSS stands for, It simply means more BS than just plain BS.

The Donkeys

At the edge of Fort Wayne, on Highway #14 (Illinois Road), the Indiana Department of Transportation (INDOT) is in charge of widening approximately a two-mile stretch for the past two years and they still aren't finished. The projected completion date is August of 2010, roughly three years from when they started That's less than an average of one mile of new, finished highway per year.
Now if INDOT was in charge of building a highway, at that pace, across the United States, which is roughly three thousand miles, it would take them--you guessed it--over three thousand years! Hell, the ancient Romans could have done it faster by hand, using just donkeys and mules. But obviously they wouldn't have put the asses in charge!

November 21, 2009

Schindler Sez
If you want to feel smart...surround yourself with dumb asses!

The Old Oil Barrel

I believe it's apparent to everyone that during the holidays and other times when traffic is anticipated to quite heavy, the price of gasoline shoots up. Probably because the gasoline companies know the consumers will use more gas during these times and, basically, they have not other alternative.
If I raised the prices in my restaurants, Bandido's, during especially busy times,like on weekends, I'm sure my customers would have a fit and go elsewhere. Considering this, would it be presumptuous to say, "The gasoline companies literally have us bent over the old oil barrel and show no remorse in sticking it to us...Dicks!"

I Miss It

I've lost my shirt, I've lost my way and I lost my ass. But of all the things I ever lost...I miss my mind the most!
Paraphrasing Anonymous

November 14, 2009

Schindler Sez

He who locks his keys in the car...won't go too far!

And the Winner is...

In a contest to ascertain what profession is the most dishonest and despicable, hold on to your hats folks, you're never going to believe this. The politicians came in first place, barely beating out the lawyers. But boy...it was a close race!

The Media Loves Misery

The only enterprise I know that thrives exclusively on the misery of others...is the Media. To the Media, "Bad news is Good news."

A Very Dark Place

After Notre Dame's football team's recent loss to Navy, their coach, Charlie Weis, said something on national TV, like, "I'm not going to change anything (about the way he coaches)." Obviously Charlie has never learned that if you keep doing the same old thing the same old way...you're going to get the same old results. All I can say is, "His head must be in the same old very dark place."

Uncommon Sense

"You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that iftdoes no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
-Dr. adrian Rogers,1931

Schindler Sez

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket or purse, unless you know how much they're going to take!

Not so Nobel

Since President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his peaceable intentions and future accomplishments (should there be any), maybe they'll award me the Nobel Prize for Literature since I intend to write on of the greatest books of all time...in the future of course! Besides, I could use the money.

The Mirror

"Honey," Rosanne said, to get her husband's attention. "Do you want to see something really beautiful? Look at this."
Glancing at the blooming Christmas cactus, which his wife proudly displayed for his approval, he replied, "Oh, hell, I thought you were going to hand me a mirror."

A Thousand to None

Losers have a thousand excuses, winners don't need any!

Schindler Sez

Remember when fast food was?

A Heavenly Halloween

Every Halloween, the staff at Bandido's Mexican Restaurants wear costumes (limited only by their imagination), to the delight of the guests. On this particular festival of the dead, two Catholic priests, Father Jeff and Father Jim, came in for diner and, lo and behold...guess who waited on them.
A waitress dressed as a pregnant nun! As she walked up to greet them, she said, "Nice costumes, guys," and then took their drink order.
At the bar, when she was informed that the two gentlemen were actually priests and being Halloween, she was extremely horrified. Returning to the table, she kept her eyes lowered in shame as she set down their drinks and muttered, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
To which Father Jeff answered, "You are forgiven, my child. Now for your penance, you may buy for out dinner," which she did, making that hallow evening...heavenly, for the clever clerics.

The Wrong Lane

Some days, life is a little bit like driving in heavy traffic. No matter what lane you get in, it's the wrong one!

Schindler Sez
Beauty is what you're used to.

They Don't Care

Today, at least in this area, people don't die, they pass. At first, I didn't like that phrase. I thought, why doesn't one just say they died? Because that's what they did. But after mulling it over, I changed my mind. After all, isn't death a time when one passes from this life into the next? Still, no matter what we call the last trip...I'm sure it makes no difference to the dearly departed.

A Grocery Line Limerick

These days, it often takes longer to pay for your food at the grocery than it does to cook it.

At the grocery I found instantly,
Bacon, fresh eggs, and green tea.
But to my dismay,
When I went to pay,
Last place in the slow line was me.

Two Terms

After discussing politics with my friend, Dan, he summed it all up when he forcefully said, "I think all politicians ought to be limited to two four-year terms."
"You do?"
"Yeah, four years in office and four years in jail!"

Schindler Sez

It is almost impossible to be good at something you don't like to do.

A Hard Left

Why is it that many people who demand their constitutional right of free speech are outraged when others exercise theirs and express the opposite view? Perhaps these hypocrites should be given, in addition to their rights, a hard left.

An Eye Opener

We close our eyes when we sneeze.

It's Everywhere

Incompetence stalks the land!

Schindler Sez
What this country needs is an honest politician.

Judge Hunter's New Pants

In the 1940's, Floyd Hunter, the local judge in the small town of Decatur, Indiana, had a side business repairing wooden bowling pins for the surrounding bowling alleys. One day, quite unexpectedly, he was called into court. Not taking time to change his clothes, he showed up in pants all covered with paint splotches and dirt. After a quick hearing, "His Honor" found the perpetrator guilty and fined him ten dollars. On paying the fine, the lawbreaker handed the judge and extra five bucks along with these words, "Here...get yourself some new pants."

The Nuts

In the last presidential election, ACORN, a liberal community activist group, registered 1.3 million new voters, of which almost a third were rejected, in too many cases because they were fraudulent. Obviously, this was very embarrassing to the Obama campaign. In addition, ACORN's workers were caught on tape, giving advice on how to get a government loan to run a house of ill repute, using underage prostitutes, from El Salvador.
Now ACORN is trying to blame Fox News, the right wing, and anyone else that doesn't agree with or support them for their wrong doings. Quite frankly, until I first heard of ACORN, a year or so ago, I always assumed that acorns were nuts. However, it's nice to know that I'm still right...on both accounts!

Schindler Sez

Blowhards catch foot-in -mouth disease.

The Shove

I can't understand what all the fuss was about when Serena Williams, after being called for a foot fault in the U.S. Open tennis finals, threatened to shove the ball down the line judge's (expletive deleted) throat. After all, most people in the same situation would have threatened to shove it somewhere else!

A Nickel's Worth

In the 1940's, when I was about five or six years old, my sister Mousie, being a nice person and loving her baby brother, wanted to trade me a dime for a nickel. She kept trying to convince me that the dime was worth more, but I still wouldn't trade with her. After all, in my young mind, I thought that if the nickel was bigger, it must be worth more. Even now, in my middle 70's, it still mystifies me why anyone would make the bigger coin worth less.

Schindler Sez

One can accomplish the impossible, but only if one doesn't know it's impossible.

Words of Wisdom

When my son John was growing up, he was real quiet. One day, he must have been around nine years old, we were driving over to my brother Chico's house. After about 10 minutes of silence I asked, "John, why don't you ever say anything?"
He looked at me, paused, and then said, "I will when I have something to say."

Ted Terrific

Ted Balestreri, the famous restaurateur, once said, "I was a very wealthy kid. My father left me in America, and he left me character. I figure that's about as rich as you want to get." In addition, he said that his father left him with the whole world to make a living in, "so I wasn't encumbered."
With an attitude like that, it's not surprising that Ted is not only a successful businessman, but also, more importantly, a successful human being.
God bless Ted, and God Bless America.

Schindler Sez

Only the government would be dumb enough to pay $4,500 for a car that's only worth a hundred bucks.

The Wrath of Grapes

In the early 1930s, young Sim miraculously found himself in the middle of a neighbor's grape arbor. While was stuffing his face with the fruit of the vine, the unhappy owner spotted him and rang up his father.
Finally, with a belly full of grapes, Sim headed home, As soon as he walked in the back door, his dad, in a stern voice asked, "Where were you?" He no sooner got the words out of his mouth when Sim threw up what seemed like a half of vineyard. More grapes than either one of them ever wanted to see.
"Well, I guess you suffered enough," his dad said with a twinkle in his eye, knowing full well that his son had learned a grapeful lesson.

The Forgetter

When Joey read, 'What did I forget?' on a Post-it-Note, he scratched his head and mumbled to himself, "Hell, I don't know...I forgot."

Schindler Sez

The most popular guy in the bar...is the guy who just bought the last round.

Wilbur's Hope

Upon finishing installing shelves, drawers, etc., to organize our closets, Wilbur, a Southern lad with ears so huge that he looked like a taxi going down the road with both back doors open, stopped in the kitchen and explained that he had just finished the job.
"But," he continued, "I forgot the retractable valets (hangers). I'll bring them over tomorrow and put'em up."
"Just drop them off and I'll install them."
"Are you sure you know how?" he questioned.
"Hey, I'm not as dumb as I look." I replied.
"Gosh," he said, staring intently at me and shaking his head hard enough to make his dumbo-sized ears wobble, "I sure hope not!"

The Notre Dame Fan

I had two kids graduate from the University of Notre Dame and sometimes I wonder why I'm still a ND fan. First, they've got all money. Second, I didn't go there and third, their football team sucks!

Schindler Sez

If you can't understand everything I write, don't feel too bad, I'm not sure I do!

Wisdom

Never confuse education with wisdom. Education is a learning process by which one gains knowledge. Wisdom is the ability to use that knowledge, along with understanding, compassion, and common sense, to make good decisions that are unencumbered by personal preferences and prejudice. Perhaps the inability to eliminate one's own feelings and intolerance's from one's judgments and conclusions is why there are so few truly wise men.

Can He Overcome?

Even though I didn't vote for Obama, I hope he has the mindset, wisdom, and courage, to do what if truly best for the country in these trying times. If so, he could become one of our greatest presidents. For greatness is achieved by overcoming what are supposedly insurmountable obstacles.

Back from the Front

Did you ever notice that when you go into the front of a church...you're in back? And the more up front you go, the father back you are!

Just Maybe

A few years ago, I had just come home from work, and my kids--Rachel (5), Heidi (7), and Jimmie (8), --ran up to meet me for their customary hugs and kisses. The children then followed me into the house and into the bathroom. I noticed that one side of the curtain, rod and all, had been pulled out of the wall. The window was small and high, and on the floor beneath it was a hot water baseboard heater.
It was apparent that one of the kids had stood on the heater and grabbed the curtain to pull him or herself up so he or she could see out the window, and had torn the rod out of the wall.
Now I must explain that, being the monster that I am, I told the kids as they were growing up that if I ever caught them lying or stealing, they would get a spankin' and that I would never spank them if they told the truth. So I turned and looked at all three of them standing there and said, "Who pulled the curtain down? Jimmie, did you do it?" He shook his head and said,"I didn't do it."
"Heidi, did you do it?" Same reaction and also, "I didn't do it."
Rachel stood there, with this guilty-as-sin look on her face, as I turned to her and asked, "Did you do it?" She looked me right in the eye and said, as she put her hands on her hips and her weight on one foot, "Maybe I did [she then shifted her weight to the other foot] and maybe I didn't!"

Schindler Sez
I don't care how much I age...as long as I don't get old!

The One Who Pays

Never co-sign a note. The reason someone needs a co-signer is because their credit is so bad they can't get a loan from the bank or from anyone else for that matter. Even their own family and friends have, in all probability, turned them down. Somewhere around 80 percent, if not more, of all co-signers get stuck paying off the note. Man...how I wished I had followed my own advice.
Definition. Cosigner: the one who pays.

Damn Pessimist

When I was visiting my 92-year old friend, Bob Cook, I asked him if he had any relatives that lived longer than him. "Yeah," he answered, "I had an uncle who lived to be 96, my sister lived to be 98, and one of my aunts lived to be a 103."
"Sounds to me like you're going to be around another 10 years."
Glancing at me with a sly grin on his face, he mumbled, "Damn pessimist!"

Schindler Sez

If marriages are made in heaven, why do so many turn out to be pure hell?

Stepping Up

If some folks did a better job of stepping up, they wouldn't have to step down!

The Real Meaning

When someone says they can't, what they generally mean is ...they don't want to!

Jenny Stiegmeyer

Running Nose

In my youth, I probably spent more time at Blackstone's Bar than I should have. One day, as I was sitting at that bar with my brother, Chico, having a brew, I said, "I can't shake this damn cold. I've had it for a month and my nose won't quit running."
Chico glanced at me and then nonchalantly said, "It's big enough. It ought to have legs!"

Sue the SOB

Saturday, I stopped by one of my restaurants, Bandido's, to pick upsome chips and salsa to take to the lake. I also got a cup of coffee to go. With the chips and salsa in one hand, and the coffee and car keys in the other, I tried to open the car door and spilled the hot coffee all over myself. This made me wonder: Could I sue me?
Without a doubt, if I would have called one of those sleazy, electronic, ambulance-chasing lawyers that advertise on TV, he would probably said, "Lets sue the SOB. It's his fault." So I guess that verifies it. I can sue me!

Hmmmmmm
What tune does a humming bird hum?

Schindler Sez

A lot of people who call in to work sick are sick...sick of working!

A Has Been
It's better to be a "has been," than a never was.

Old Western Proverb

Enlightening

I knew a guy who was s religious that when he read the passage, "Let there be light," he got lit!

Drinking Buddy

If you have an Irishman for a friend, you'll always have someone to drink with.

The American Depository

If all the McDonald's in the United States closed, there would be a national emergency. Not because we couldn't find a place to eat, but where would we go to the bathroom? I can only surmise that there have been more deposits made at Mickey D's than at the Bank of America.

Second Rate

The United States owes Japan, China, and the oil exporting countries, well over a trillion dollars. At the current rate of deficit spending, in no time at all, we will no longer be the wealthiest country in the world. History has demonstrated that the most powerful countries were, without exception, the richest. A few examples of the rich and powerful were Egypt, Greece, Rome, Great Britain and of course the United States.
However, if our government continues spending billions and trillions bailing out companies that made bad decisions based on greed and/or stupidity, along with people who bought houses they couldn't afford, we will sooner or later, bankrupt the country and as a result, the United Stated will undoubtedly become a second rate nation.

Schindler Sez

When men argue with their wives, they are never right...even when they are!

Schindler's Rules of Law

Schindler's first rule of law; avoid lawyers!

Schindler's second rule of law; avoid lawyers!

Schindler's third rule of law; keep avoiding those bastards!

Schindler Sez

Is that rancid smell in Iowa coming from the hogs, or is it coming from the politicians?

She Still Won't

The man, next in line at Walgreen's, watched as the cashier rang up a customer. When the automatic change dispenser didn't work, the cashier smacked it and, lo and behold, the correct change came rolling out. "I just love doing that," she said with a mischievous grin.
"So do I," the male chauvinist customer replied, "but my wife still won't work!

Those Fools and Our Money

It's hard for me to understand why the United states of America, is still giving billions in aid to Third World and other countries that is too often misappropriated (a nice word for stolen), or squandered, while we go deeper and deeper into debt. Only a fool gives his money away when he can't even pay his own bills.
Would somebody please explain this to the President, our elected officials and the bureaucrats? Finally, don't you think that money would better utilized if it was spent on fixing our economy and taking care of our own?

The Bobcat and the Hare

A sick bobcat lay in the grass for several days before he began to fee better. Still too weak to hunt for something to eat, he finally spotted a rabbit.
"Mr. Hare," called the bobcat, "I'm too weak to get up . Would you mind helping me so I can go get something to drink?
"Oh, no," answered Mr. Hare. "You'll eat me. I know bobcats love to eat rabbits."
"But, I promise," said the bobcat, "that if you help me, I won't eat you and I will never eat any of your children again."
"Do you really mean it?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die," swore the bobcat.
"Okay," said Mr. Hare, "but remember, you promised." And he went over to lend him a hand. As soon as he tried to help him, the bobcat grabbed Mr. Hare and gobbled him up.
Moral: Desperate creatures are doubly dangerous!

Schindler Sez
Companies that don't make money...don't make it.

Freddy Optimism

I had breakfast this morning with an old high school buddy, Freddy Eyanson. He told me that he had leukemia, but said it wasn't the bad kind.
"Why," he went on, "Ill probably outlive it!"

Entitled

We all know folks who have a very high opinion of their opinion. Nevertheless, I'd like to point out that everyone is entitled to their opinion...no matter how erroneous!

The Want

The problem with too many low or no-income folks is they want things they aren't willing to work for!

Booze'n

If you can't stop after you start...it's time to quit before you begin!

The Battle

The arrogant corporate execs and the Wall Street traders are a classic case of a well-educated group with greed oozing from every pore. Apparently they've never learned that when there's a battle between greed and common sense, greed always wins by a knockout! If only they could understand that ultimately the greedy winners will, sooner or later become the greedy losers. Then maybe, just maybe, there would be less greed in the world. But don't count on it. Greedy SOBs abound!

Not Funny

Sometimes reading the news in the newspaper is such a downer, by time I get to the funnies, they aren't funny.

The Real Owner

If you want to find out who really owns your home,
don't pay your property taxes!

Happiness

Happiness has nothing to do with where you are physically,

but everything to do with where you are mentally!

Jeff

Jeff was diagnosed with throat cancer, and after extensive surgery and radiation, he was found
to be cancer free. On a followup visit a few months later, after a thorough examination, the good doctor exclaimed, "You're doing great! No sign of cancer. Are you still smoking?"
"Yeah, Jeff sheepishly answered."
"Cool," the doctor responded, "lets go into the garage and have one."

No Drive
Prior to World War II, it was fairly common in many small Midwestern towns that a lot of families didn't own cars and therefore many folks never learned to drive.
After World War II started, in the early 1940s, Sim Hain, a small town boy from Decatur, Indiana, found himself flying one of the huge, four-engine, B24 bombers on missions over the South Pacific. Sim flew 45 missions and had more than a thousand hours of flying time. Consequently, he was a well-seasoned combat pilot.
One particular morning Sim was supposed to pick up the commanding officer (CO) and drive him to his office. After checking out a staff car from the motor pool, Sim showed up at the CO's quarters with not only a car, but also a driver. When the CO asked him why he brought a driver along, Sim, a little red-faced from embarrassment, explained, "Sir, I never learned to drive!"

Over Three Thousand

At the edge of Fort Wayne, Indiana, on highway#33 and also on highway #14 (Illinois Road), for the past two years plus, they have been widening approximately a two mile stretch on each of those roads and they still aren't finished. That's less than an average of one mile of new finished highway per year, per road.
Now if the same bureaucrats and companies were to build a highway, at that pace, across the United States, which is roughly three thousand miles, it would take them, you guessed it, over three thousand years! I believe the ancient Romans could have done it faster by hand, using just donkeys and mules! But, obviously they wouldn't have put the asses in charge!

Bad Girls
Bad girls get the guys...but only if they're good!

The Common Sense Rule
The Congressional Budget Office estimates that President Obama's budget will generate an average deficit of about a $1 trillion a year, which most economists agree is unsustainable. Obviously, even with his Harvard education, Obama has never learned the common sense rule of fiscal responsibility, which is, if you spend more than you take in...you're going to go broke.
Don't you think our country would be a lot better off if all politicians lived by this rule?

Legal
Sixty-three-year old Terry was starting to show his age. He had prostrate cancer, the beginning of Parkinson's disease, and several other maladies "The problem with getting older," he told my wife, Fry, "is that I have a whole counter full of drugs...and they're all legal!

The Quiet Woman
Charlie's mother died and, true to her wishes, he had her cremated. It was a beautiful Indiana summer day when he got a call from the mortuary that his mother's ashes were ready to be picked up. So he stopped, claimed the urn with her remains and headed to the lake to spend the day.
About halfway there, Charlie looked over at his mother sitting on the front seat and said, "Mom, this is the first time you ever rode to the lake with me without bitchin' about my driving."

Schindler Sez
Bad girls get the guys...but only if their good!

The Common Sense Rule

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that Obama's budget will generate an average deficit of about a trillion a year, which most economists agree is unsustainable. Obviously, even with his Harvard education, Obama has never learned the common sense rule of fiscal resonsibility, which is, if you spend more than you take in...you're going to go broke! Don't you think our country would be a lot better off if all politicians lived by this common sense rule?

Schindler Sez

A wise man keeps his wife happy!

There Legal

Sixty-three-year old Terry was starting to show his age. He had prostate cancer, the beginning of Parkinson's disease, and several other maladies. "The problem with getting older," he told my wife, Fry, "is that I have a whole counter full of drugs...and they're all legal!"

The Quiet Woman

Charlie's mother died, and true to her wishes, he had her cremated. It was a beautiful Indiana summer day when he got a call from the mortuary that his mother's ashes were ready to be picked up. So he stopped, claimed the urn with her remains and headed to the lake to spend the day.
About halfway there, Charlie looked over at his mother sitting on the front seat and said, "mom, this is the first time that you ever rode to the lake with me without bitchin' about my driving."

The Blessed

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and are wise enough not to say it!

In Plain English

In the United States, a nation made up of people from every country, culture, and religion in the world, the English language is the common thread that holds us together.

Help Needed

A friend once asked me, "Why do you go to church every Sunday?"
"Well, I answered, "it's a little bit like working out. When it's over, I always feel better. Besides, I honestly believe that it helps me to be a better person and, heaven knows, I need all the help I can get!"

de Seat

In the 1960s, Ronald Reagan, wh was then a movie star and spokesman for the General Electric Company, made a cameo appearance at the Decatur, Indiana, GE, plant. During that visit a brief respite was planned at the home of Roger Schuster, one of the plant's executives.
The neighborhood ladies, anticipating Reagan's arrival, asked Roger'
s wife, Irene, what she did to spiff her house up for his visit. "The only thing I did," she replied, 'was to buy a new toilet seat."
Several years later, when the Schuster's moved to another city, Irene removed the seat (which Ronnie used), and took it with her. I guess she just didn't want to part with the memory of de seat! And that's no crap!

The Saint Peter Principle

My years as an usher at St. Peter's Catholic Church have taught me that if you're late and the church seems packed there's always room up front!

Never Again

The best thing about a suicide bomber is...he'll never have the guts to do it again!

Judge Bobo

Judge Bobo, a deeply religious man who was well versed in the Bible, was aware that in the Old Testament, Joshua made the sun stand still. Back during Prohibition, the good judge presided over a court in Decatur, Indiana, and one day a black man by the name of Joshua, was hauled before for bootlegging.
"Joshua, " the good natured judge asked, "Are you the one who made the sun stand?"
"No sir, Mr. Judge, ah's duh one dat made da moonshine!"