The Judge’s New Pants

In the 1940s, Floyd Hunter, the local judge in the small town of Decatur, Indiana, had a side business repairing wooden bowling pins for the surrounding bowling alleys. One day, quite unexpectedly, he was called into court. Not taking time to change his clothes, he showed up in pants all covered with paint splotches and dirt. After a quick hearing, “His Honor” found the perpetrator guilty and fined him ten dollars. On paying, the lawbreaker handed the judge an extra five bucks along with these words, “Here…get yourself some new pants.”

What This Country Needs

What this country needs is an honest politician.

The Scoop on Poop

            Sam, Jenny’s son, stayed overnight at a friend’s house and the next morning the neighbors’ dad brought him home.

          Nick, Sam’s four–year-old brother answered the doorbell. On entering his friend’s father, asked, “Is your mother home?”

            Nick answered, “She’s going poop.”

            Jenny heard Nick from the bathroom and was mortified. As a result, she stayed in the bathroom until she was sure he left. On coming out, she saw him still standing in the foyer. She was so embarrassed she couldn’t look him in the eye. Sensing her embarrassment and trying to comfort her, he said, “You know what? I’ve got a book at home called, Everybody Poops.

A Nickel’s Worth

In the 1940s, when I was about five or six years old, my sister Mousie, being a nice person and loving her baby brother, wanted to trade me a dime for a nickel. She kept trying to convince me that the dime was worth more, but I still wouldn’t trade with her. In my young mind, I thought that if the nickel was bigger, it must be worth more. Even now, in my middle seventies, it still mystifies me why anyone would make the bigger coin worth less.

Schindler Sez

Blowhards catch foot-in-mouth disease.

Ted Terrific

          Ted Balestreri, the famous restaurateur, once said, “I was a very wealthy kid. May father left me in America, and he left me character. I figure that’s about as rich as you want to get.” Also, he said that his father left him the whole world to make a living in “so I wouldn’t be encumbered.”

With an attitude like that, it’s not surprising that Ted is not only a successful businessman, but more importantly, a successful human being.

            God Bless Ted and God Bless America

The Shove

 I can’t understand what all the fuss was about when Serena Williams, after being called for a foot fault in the U.S. Open tennis finals, threatened to shove the ball down the line judge’s (expletive deleted) throat. After all, most people in the same situation would have threatened to shove it somewhere else!

Words of Wisdom

When my son John was growing up, he was real quiet. One day, he must have been around nine years old; we were driving over to my brother Chico’s house. After about ten minutes of silence, I asked, “John, why don’t you ever say anything?”

He looked at me, paused, and then said, “I will when I have something so say.”

Accomplish the Impossible

One can accomplish the impossible, but only if one doesn’t know it’s impossible.

The Forgetter

When Joey read, “What did I forget?” on a Post-it note he wrote, he scratched his head and mumbled to himself, “Hell, I don’t know … I forgot!”