January 21, 2012

Schindler Sez

Once, I thought I was goofy, but I knew better than that.

Together Again

If Napoleon could gather all his bones together...would he still be Bonaparte?

The Crazy Goodbye

After I was told the following story by Sim Hain, I asked him if it was true.
"Who cares?" he replied, "It's a good story. So here goes.
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, the great musician and trumpet player, once had an audience with the pope and when they were done and Satchmo was about to leave, the pope made the sign of the cross with his right hand, blessing him.
After that visit, one of his friends asked him what impressed him the most about the pope.
"Well," Satchmo answered, "He had on this tall, pointed hat, a big fancy robe, this huge ring, and red shoes. But what I dug the most was is crazy goodbye!

The Real Problem

Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional Congress? Forty-five percent of them are lawyers!

January 14, 2012

Schindler Sez
If my body was as thin as my hair...I'd be one skinny dude!

The Itch

I'm an usher at St. Peter's and just before we were about to start down the aisle to take up the collection, my nose started to itch like crazy. As I began to rub it vigorously with the back of my hand, Kelly, a fellow usher, gave me this stare of bewilderment. Bending over, I whispered in her ear, "Thank God, it's my nose that itches!"

Hand Jive

Conversing with and Italian friend of mine, who was gesticulating vigorously as he spoke, I finally posed this question. "Sam, if I cut off your hands...could you still talk?"

The Honest Barber

My barber Skip, gave me too much change back after I paid him this morning. On returning the difference to him, he said, "Thanks for being so honest".
"You're welcome."
"Were honest around here," he said.
"Yeah, if you don't count all the bull crap that you guys drop.

January 7, 2012

Schindler Sez
Old age isn't for wimps...just ask me!

Mother's Fault

Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, "But it's her fault I have a fat head!"

Series-us

There is an old Texan saying, which goes, "Don't mess with Texas." Ha! They're not that tough. It only took some Cardinals and a couple of Louisville Sluggers to whip their butts - and I'm series-us.

No More Junk

According to the Washington Post, the U.S. Postal Service has lost over $8 billion in the fiscal year ending in September, 2011, and will probably for broke. What if we let them go down the tubes? Just think of all the money it would save the taxpayers. Besides, if you're like me, all I get is junk mail and bills; both of which I could do without. And you can put your stamp on that!

December 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money talks, but when it does...it usually says goodbye.

For the Birds

"I'm not afraid of death...but this dying bull crap is for the birds.

~85-year-old, Tom Sefton

The Whacker

(The names have been withheld to protect the not so innocent.)

The University of St. __________, had just installed the new Pro Turf surface on its football field. The coach was so happy that he finally got the new turf that now and then he would go out onto the field and lay down, just for the joy of it.
Shortly after the installation, he noticed little pieces of the new turf lying around. Thinking some sort of animal was causing the damage, he instructed on of the student assistants to go out at night with a baseball bat and whack whatever was causing it.
That evening the coach was awakened by his ringing cell. "Coach," the bat boy yelled excitedly, "I found out what's tearing up the turf."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it's Sister __________, president of the University. She's been practicing her golf swing on the new turf with a nine iron."
"Your kidding?"
"No, I'm not kidding! Should I wack her?"

December 17, 2011

Schindler Sez

If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?

Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph's nose was nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.

Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make.
I have to finish my rounds tonight,
Or I'll miss my cookies and cake.

It's the only treat I get to have,
On this eve of spreading cheer,
Since the Mrs. said,
"Don't drive that sled,
If you've been drinking beer!"

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all you lovers of fine literature. God bless and beers to you!

December 10, 2011

Schindler Sez

Change is good. It forces us to adapt and helps to eliminate boredom.

Frosty

If Frosty the Snowman doesn't melt your heart, it must be awfully cold.

The Not-to-Obvious Obvious

I recently read an article in the newspaper where a witness saw a man shoot himself in a parking lot and he was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. It went on to say that the coroner's office was to determine the cause of death. Gee, I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out the obvious. Maybe I should keep my nose out of it, or I'll be accused of shooting off my mouth. Then, there'll probably be another ongoing investigation.

The Crack

Today, in the pew in front of me, there was a big heavy guy wearing jeans and a bomber jacket.
When he bent over to pick something up in the pew in front of him, let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. Could there be, I wonder, some leaky pipes in heaven? If so, I'm sure this guy could do a crackup job. No ifs ands or butts.

December 3, 2011

Schindler Sez

Don't swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won't get anywhere and in the second, you'll still be all wet.

The Wicked Bible

In 1631, the so called "Wicked Bible," was printed. A competitor bribed one of the printer's, Robert Barker's workers, to leave the word "not" out of the Seventh Commandment. Thus it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." King James I, ordered all copies seized and burned. Unfortunately, a few copies survived and I believe to this very day that that adulterous version still has many followers. But, it's "not" for me to say.

The Tzars (Czars)

Did you know that throughout the entire history of Russia, there were only 24 Tsars? Obama has 32. The Russians are probably wondering why in heaven's name does he need all those Czars. They caused us all kinds of misery and we only had one at a time.

Poor Devils

The average NBA player makes somewhere around $5 million a year. If all you made was $5 million, wouldn't you also want to strike? Maybe we ought to organize.

November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.

November 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

You don't have to be handsome or pretty to be a beautiful human being.

The Almighty Dollar

People used to chase the almighty dollar so they could buy stuff. Now they chase it so they can keep the stuff.

~Bruce Buck

No Call

Stan asked me for my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, "What's the matter, don't you know your own phone number?"
I had to stop and think," I answered, "because I never call myself. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because if I answer when I call myself, people think I'm nuts."

The Picture

The only known photograph of Billy "The Kid," taken in 1879, recently sold for $2.3 million and I'm not kidding. That's more than he ever made robbing and killing. If there is a moral to this story, it has to be that the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth or anything else...shoot a picture instead. It pays better.

October 29, 2011

Schindler Sez
You can't buy class. Only the classless think you can.

No Guts

I hate Halloween,
Mary the Pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.

They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie,
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.

Thanksgiving's next,
I heard them say.
But without any innards,
They threw me away.

Now here I lie
In a garbage heap.
My skin is all wrinkled,
My shell has no meat.

What a terrible shame,
To end up this way.
Why, if I had the guts,
I'd run away.

October 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Every day...find a better way.

The Real Cause

Seismologists have determined that the recent earthquake near Washington D.C. was not the result of a fault line or any natural phenomenon. It was caused by our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Barber School

Today my son, Jimmie and I went to our barber, Skip. As I was in the barber's chair, they were talking about Cary Grant on the morning show.
"Who's Cary Grant?" Jimmie wanted to know.
"He was a famous movie star in the '30s, '40s, '50s and 60s." I answered.
"Yeah," Skip chimed in. "he was really a good-looking guy."
"I never heard of him,"Jimmie said.
"Must be a generation thing," I said, looking at Skip.
"You can always get an education at my barbershop," Skip pointed out proudly.
"Yeah," I replied, "You learn all the falsehoods."

October 15, 2011

Schindler Sez

When many people say they don't remember, what they really mean is they never knew.

Idiocy Personified

A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory that there are more village idiots in Washington than there are in the villages.
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by the federal housing agencies, Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tennessee), proposed that borrowers be required to make a five percent down payment in order to qualify.
His proposal was was rejected 57-42 on a party line vote because as Senator Chris Dodd, (D-Conn), explained, "Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
It could only happen in Washington, Hollywood, or Connecticut.

Where's My Invitation?

In the past race for city council at large here in Fort Wayne, one Democratic primary winner stated he liked to spend his time in his motel room, drinking and watching porn. Hmmm, I wonder if his supporters were hoping to be invited over.

The Stand

If you don't stand for something, you'll stand for nothing.