May 22, 2010

Schindler Sez

I don't care what they say or write about me, as long as they spell my name right. And it doesn't start with Shi, even though that might suit some people to a "t".

You go, Uncle Milty!

There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Or, as Uncle Milty (Milton Berle) so wisely put it, "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

No Principals

One day, shortly after my sister-in-law, Mary Keefer, was appointed principal of Bishop Luers High School, I called her to congratulate her on her new position. "Mary," I said, "Congratulations! I didn't know you had any, and now you are one!"

I'm Here

Sometimes when I'm at a restaurant, the server will deliver the food, set it down, and say, "There you go."
I then reply, "Where do I go? I thought I was here!"

www.jamesaschindler.com

May 15, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't teach what you don't know!

The Lousy Excuse

We've all heard the excuse, "I don't have time," which really means I don't want to do it. But isn't it strange how people can always find the time to do the things they want to do?

Not So Fast Doc

About 10 years ago, my 13-year-old, Rachel went in for back surgery. A few minutes before she was to be wheeled into the operating room, Dr. Buchholz came in to explain the procedure to us. He told us what he was going to do, and then said that the surgery usually took about three hours. He also explained that since Dr. La Salle was going to assist him, he felt that he would be finished in about an hour and a half. Rachel was listening intently, but when he said that, she raised her head off the cart, looked at the good doctor and said, "Dont rush it!"

A Clean Ending

If all the paperwork in the world was put on highly absorbent sheets, two ends could be served!

May 8, 2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own the tree...to enjoy the fruit!

Baustin and the Cop

In Lima, Ohio, there is an intersection which has a sign reading "no left turn," since turning left meant that you'd have to cross a five-lane highway. However, Angie looked both ways and, seeing no traffic, or cops, decided to save time and made a left turn. In a matter of seconds, she heard the wail of a siren and saw flashing lights in her rearview mirror.
As soon as the patrolman approached her car, Baustin, her four and a half year-old-son, yelled, "Are we going to jail?"
The trooper chuckled and said, "No, son, I just want to talk to your mother." On getting the information he needed, he returned to his squad car.
A couple of minutes later, as the patrolman again approached the perpetrator's car, Baustin excitedly shouted out the window, "Are we going to be on "Cops"?"

Not Enough

I know a guy who wanted a job as a census taker, but he didn't have enough fingers.

May 1, 010

Schindler Sez
I know an old grouch who is about as happy as he's never been.

That's Fair

Life isn't always fair and sometimes bad things do happen to good people. But overall, more good things happen to the good than to the bad, and more bad things happen to the bad than to the good...and that's fair!

Three Steps to Professional Excellence

Be well groomed and dress appropriately.
Act like a professional in your speech an mannerisms.
Continuously learn as much as possible about your profession.

Grandma Knows

"My goodness, Joe," Grandma said, "You sure are losing your hair."
"Grass doesn't grow on a race track," Joe answered.
"Right," Grandma replied, "and it doesn't grow on a cement block, either!"

April 24, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't believe there are a lot of idiots out there, you haven't been driving much!

David

On TV, a few months ago, it showed the renowned, seventeen foot marble statue of the nude David by Michelangelo. One of the observers was a young boy about six years old. Upon viewing the statue, he said, "Gee dad, it looks like he just came out of the water!"

The Good Investment

When Tom told Max, he lent Larry fifty bucks, Max said, "Are you nuts? He's borrowed money from everyone in town. You can kiss that fifty bucks goodbye."
"Oh no," Tom responded. That's the best money I've ever spent!"
"How do you figure?" Max wanted to know.
"Because I'll never see that son-of-a-bitch again!"

There Egos
A man who is satisfied with himself doesn't need an ego.
--Thomas (K only) Hurst

Why

Why do they put turn signals on cars when nobody uses them?
--Joey