December 2012

#184 Week of December 2, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you’re following the crowd…you’re on the wrong road!

Thou

Good news! The esteemed New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Dr. Franz Messerli, of St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital, that there is evidence the flavonoids in chocolate, red wine and green tea, helps to slow down and possibly even reverse age-related mental deterioration. Screw the green tea; hand me a jug of wine and one of those huge Hershey bars.

A line from Omar Khayyam’s famous poem, “The Rubaiyat,”  goes:

“A jug of wine, a loaf of bead, and thou.”

But Schindler Sez:

“A jug of wine, a Hershey bar and wow!”

Of course, after a few jugs of wine…it could be thou!

The “DoNothings”

The newspaper recently announced that Congress just returned from a seven-week vacation. Heck, I didn’t know they had a job. Wouldn’t we all like to get paid for doing nothing and call it a job?

The Losers

The real losers in the recent election fiasco were…the American people.

#185 Week of December 9, 2012

Schindler Sez

After several beers, or margaritas, a lot of folks “think” they can do about anything. However, if the truth were known…most of them couldn’t do jack crap.

10-10

            When my son Jimmie was around sixteen, we were discussing his mother’s birthday, which is 10-10-52, when he said, “Mom, most guys would like to be married to a ten; dad’s sure is a lucky guy.”

            “Why?” Mom wanted to know.

            “Because he’s married to a ten-ten!”

As you clever readers have probably surmised…she has never let me forget it!

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

The Heat Beaters

Recently, I read a headline in an area newspaper, which read, “Grizzles beat Heat.” Heck, I thought it was about some bears cooling off in a river somewhere. But no, it was about the Memphis Grizzlies beating the H out of the Miami Heat. Wouldn’t we all like to beat the heat; especially if we got paid millions for doing it?

#186 Week of December 16, 2012

Schindler Sez

Everybody loves their babies…even the ugly ones.

Just a Thought

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the famous muscular movie star and ex-governor of California, land of fruits and nuts, could have saved himself a lot of trouble, if he would have only thought with his big head.

The Christmas Kiss

Santa gained some weight this year,

His pants he could not wear.

My dear said he, Let them out for me,

Must I go in my underwear?

I’m much too old and it’s bitter cold

And the folks will surely stare,

At my boxers of black, with mistletoe on back,

And you don’t want them kissing me there.

~Jim Schindler~

#187 Week of December 23, 2012

Schindler Sez

Do people who like to horse around…lack horse sense?

Hickory Dickory Dock,

The mouse ran up the clock.

The pendulum swung

And he jumped on,

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock

The mouse swung on the clock.

The clock struck two,

And off he flew,

Hickory Dickory Dock.

Hickory Dickory Dock

The mouse came to in the clock.

When the clock struck three,

He started to flee…squeaking,

 “No more will you Hickory Dick me!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

To all you lovers of fine literature.

#188 Week of Dec 30, 2012

Schindler Sez

New Year’s resolution advice: If you want to improve your circumstance…first improve yourself.

A Cold One

At a house party, one of the young men asked seventy-eight- year-old Melvin, if he wanted to play beer pong. “No,” he answered, “Since I’ve lost the ping in my pong, even after a few beers, my pong is still pingless.

January Two

Most New Year’s resolutions,

 Folks keep a couple of days.

Some keep them for a week or two,

Then back to their old ways.

I gave up booze, and beer,

 And wild women too.

But I kept my resolutions,

Till we met on January two.

November 2012

#180 Week of November 4, 2012

Schindler Sez

I know more people I don’t know, than people I know.

The Bridge over Troubled Politics

For over three years, no matter what went wrong, which was plenty according to the present administration; it was George Bush’s fault. If you believe that, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.

Saved by the Air

While riding down the road with my friend, Matt, I said, “Boy it’s hot in here.”

“Let me turn on the air…Is it blowing too hard?”

“No, I like the air blowing on me. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Because that way, no one can tell when I tootle.”

A Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American are…I can. The last four letters in Republican are…I can. The last four letters in Democrats are…Rats. Is it true November is set aside as rodent removal month?

~The Net~

#181 Week of November 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

I may be aging…but I refuse to grow old.

The Princess Photos

I didn’t personally get to see the nude photos of Her Royal Highness, Princess of Wales, aka Princess Kate, but I hear they’re very titillating.

High Water

            The problem in too many schools is the children are not being taught to learn their lessons, as much as they are being trained to do well on the ISTEP exams. But, come hell or high water, the administrators, staff and the schools, feel they must look good, even at the expense of the children.

Ours

There are two sides to every story, which kind of reminds me of a pancake. It also has two sides and like we do to a pancake, we all tend to sweeten one side of the story…Ours!

A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves.

#182 Week of November 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

Your GPS won’t get you to heaven

Gobbled

I detest Thanksgiving,

Serve the stuffing’s no more.

The cranberries are acidic,

The mashed potatoes a bore.

The filling in the pie

From some pumpkin you took.

When the pig saw the ham,

He trembled and shook.

The brown eyes of the cow

Lost their glow and are sad.

Is the meat in the mince,

From her mom or her dad?

So, Thanksgiving day,

Is a sad one you see,

Wouldn’t it be for you also,

If you were gobbled like me?

~The Turkey~

# 183 November 25, 2012

Schindler Sez

The truth will always be the truth…no matter how much the politicians lie.

Fruitcake Anyone?

Did you read about the guy who was badly mauled when he jumped from the elevated train, into the tiger’s den at the Bronx Zoo? The reason he gave was, “He wanted to be one with the tiger.” The reason, at least in my opinion, the tiger didn’t want to be one with him and eat him…was because he didn’t like fruitcake!

The Zack Attack

Jo had a son named Zack,

So handsome, he gave her a Zack attack.

With a winning smile and eyes of blue,

When the girls saw him, they had a Zack attack too.

Be Wise

Only a fool refuses the counsel of wise men. By counseling with wise men, you add their knowledge and experience to your own, which dramatically increases your chance for success.

~Andy Andrews~

October 2012

#176 Week of October 7, 2012

Schindler Sez

Rumor has it that Tiger’s ex-wife was pretty good with a nine iron.

Take Take

The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are just about outnumbered by people who vote for a living. This can easily be resolved; if you pay no income taxes, you are not eligible to vote. Why should people who take, take and contribute nothing to society have a voice in, or dictate how that society should be governed? Their only concern is what benefits they can get at the taxpayers’ expense and then complain it’s not enough.

Wrinkles: What other people have that are similar to my character lines.

~The net~

The Article of Confuseration

“I couldn’t understand one of the articles in your column,” a friend said.

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Gee, I didn’t think I was smart enough to confuse anyone. You made my day.”

# 177 Week of October 14, 2012

Schindler Sez

There is an olde saying that goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I beg to differ. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just takes a lot more time and patience.

Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money than what Barack Obama does with mine. I don’t think so! How about you?

The Net…with a little help from the Sez

On dePlane

Mike Marra made an early dinner so he could take his eighty-seven-year-old dad to the airport in time to catch his flight. When dinner was ready, Mike said, “Okay dad, are you ready for your last supper?”

“No,” dad replied, “I can get that on the plane.”

Mame

There once was a lady named Mame,

How she treated her husband was a shame.

He was nice as can be, but how he ended with she,

Is a riddle no one can explain.

#178 Week of October 21, 2012

Schindler Sez

Why do politicians and lawyers sleep with one eye open?

“The Purple Cow”

I never saw a purple cow,

I never hope to see one.

But I can tell you anyhow,

 I’d rather see than be one.

Gelett Burgess

The poem became so famous that whenever someone saw Burgess they’d repeat it to him. This bugged him so much his face would pratically turn purple.  Consequently, he wrote the following poem in response. It goes as follows:

“Confession and a Portrait too,

Upon a Background that I Rue

Ah yes I wrote the “Purple Cow,”

I’m sorry that I wrote it.

But I can tell you anyhow,

I’ll kill you if you quote it.

#179 Week of October 28, 2012

Schindler Sez

It is better to have it and not need it…than it is to need it and not have it.

It’s in the good Book

Politically speaking, have you ever wondered why Conservatives are called the “Right,” and Liberals the “Left?” A verse from the Bible (Ecclesiastes 10:2), tells why. “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.”

Thus sayeth the Lord.

This is no Bull

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he began roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him dead.

Moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~Will Rogers

The Halloween Mouse

On Halloween Eve some kids came to my house,

Dressed as goblins and witches and one like a mouse.

Like polite little monsters, they said, “Trick or treat please.”

But the one little mouse squeaked, “May I please have some cheese?”

September 2012

#171 Week of September 2, 2012

Schindler Sez

No excuse is better than one.

Research

Research has shown that the DNA of bonobo apes and chimpanzees are only 1.3 percent different than that of humans. Research has also shown that animals are a lot smarter than previously thought. Doesn’t it seem strange that even without any schools, not counting the fish schools of course; apes seem to be getting smarter, while we humans, their closely related cousins, seem to be intellectually speaking, going the wrong way?

The Stinkers

            We all know who the real stinkers are. They’re the folks who think theirs don’t stink.

The Boobie Prize

Michael Phelps has won more Olympic medals than anyone in history. Wow! And to think I never even won a boobie prize, but I keep on hoping.

#172 Week of September 9, 2012

Schindler Sez

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

The Wife Knows

After a thorough examination, my cardiologist, Dr. Mirro, said, “You’re perfect.”

“Doc,” I said, “would you please tell my wife that?”

            “Why?” he answered, “she won’t believe it.”

The Power of Prayer

             During World War II, Sim Hain was a B24 bomber pilot in the Pacific theater. On one of his forty missions, he was flying only about 500 feet above the ocean approaching a freighter, which was carrying supplies to support the enemy. As they neared the freighter, it opened up with machine gun and artillery fire. With bullets and flack whizzing all around his plane, Sim kept saying, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” over and over, as they neared the freighter. His crew returned fire and with machine guns blazing while they bombed and sunk the freighter.

Miracle of miracles, Sim’s B24 and his brave crew came through unscathed, despite all of the enemy fire. After telling me this story the only comment Sim had was, “Talk about the power of prayer.”

Sim, God bless you and your gallant crew.

For all you Doubting Thomas’s, a famous general once said, “I never met an atheist in a foxhole.”

#173 Week of September 16, 2012

Schindler Sez

“You can’t teach common sense.”

Cocky’s Observation

I went to the showing of my good friend, Ton Sefton, who died recently and the place was packed. As a matter of fact, they brought more chairs into the crowded room for a few other stragglers. After paying my respects and talking to some of my friends, as I was about to leave I ran into another old buddy, Cocky Faurote. And he said, “When I die, I couldn’t get this big of a crowd even if they handed out door prizes!”

The Congress

            Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, obnoxious and the least intelligent of all primates. Do you know what they call a group of baboons? A congress…and that’s a fact! Now, were they called that before, or were they called that after our current congress? Since our current congress seems to be obnoxious and not too bright, logic tells me it’s after them.

He who opens a school door closes a prison.

~Victor Hugo

#174 Week of September 23

Schindler Sez

It is better to tweet than to toot.

A Marine’s Concern 

            “When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional and now it’s legal. I’m getting out before the Democrats make it mandatory.”

Sgt. Harry Berres, USMC

Good Old Jack S

After I was introduced to a man called, Jack S. Smith, I asked him if he wanted me to call him Smitty or Jack S.

“Smitty is fine,” he answered with a frown.

“Okay, Jack S,” I replied, “I’ll call you Smitty.”

Bay-thoven

Why did Beethoven pronounce his name Bay-thoven instead of Bee-thoven? Maybe he just wanted to bee a Bay.  But that’s O’bay with me! You got to hand it to Beethoven…he never missed a beat.

#175 Week of September 30, 2012

Schindler Sez

Anything conceivable is achievable…except for a contradiction.

For example; you can’t have a square circle.

No Doubt

            Better to remain silent and have people think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.

An olde saying

The Golden Rule

Germany committed 290 billion to help bail out Greece, Portugal, Ireland and other European Union countries that are in financial trouble and in danger of defaulting on their loans. In Athens, anti-German demonstrators wore Nazi uniforms and in Poland they accused Germany of having imperial ambitions; simply because, as part of the deal, the Germans want to establish some rules, which basically require those countries to put their financial houses in order.       Needless to say, to say the Greeks and Poles didn’t like the rules, but they would be more than happy to relieve Germany of her billions. What Greece and the other troubled EU countries need to understand is the “Golden Rule,” which goes, “He who has the gold makes the rules.”

Most people are stupid enough to believe what they read in the newspaper.

~Al Capone~

#176 Week of October 7, 2012

Schindler Sez

Rumor has it that Tiger’s ex-wife was pretty good with a nine iron.

Take Take

The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are just about outnumbered by people who vote for a living. This can easily be resolved; if you pay no income taxes, you are not eligible to vote. Why should people who take, take and contribute nothing to society have a voice in, or dictate how that society should be governed? Their only concern is what benefits they can get at the taxpayers’ expense and then complain it’s not enough.

Wrinkles: What other people have that are similar to my character lines.

~The net~

The Article of Confuseration

“I couldn’t understand one of the articles in your column,” a friend said.

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Gee, I didn’t think I was smart enough to confuse anyone. You made my day.”