March 17, 2012

Schindler Sez

A taxpayer's money in a politicians's hand will disappear faster than Houdini.

The Tooter

"You're a smart ass," my wife said.
"I didn't know my ass was smart. Hmmmm, maybe that's why it toots its horn so much."

Green Bananas

At Bandido's Mexican restaurant, Franz, an elderly gentleman, came in for his free birthday dinner.
"Franz," I asked, "How old are you now?"
"Well let me tell you this sonny," he replied, "I'm so old that I don't buy green bananas anymore."

Les Miserables

IN 1960, about 72 percent of all adults over 18 were married. Today, it's slightly over 51 percent. I wonder what happened. Here I thought misery loved company.

March 10, 2012

Schindler Sez

If it wasn't for my sweet tooth...I wouldn't have a fat head.

An Irish Prayer
Schindler is a German name,
Of that I'm proud to say,
Except for just one time a year,
and that's St. Patty's Day.

O"Schindler is me name that day,
And I'll drink a jar or four,
But when I'm with my friend O'Carroll,
He always buys me more.

Saint Patrick if you're looking down,
A prayer for me say,
For O'Carroll passed out on the bar,
And they're asking me to pay.

Up Where

"Hey Jimmie," some wisenheimer yelled, "I've got a question I bet you can't answer."
"There are millions of questions I can't answer, but shoot."
"How far is up?"
"Not too far," I answered, "if it's up yours!"

March 3, 2012

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the fastest path to the cemetery.

The Sack

Dave stopped into the local liquor store and bought a six pack of beer.

"Would you like a sack?" the clerk asked.
"No," Dave answered, "She's not that ugly."

The Pill

The first period just began as Sally, a high school student who is a brunette with a blonde's reputation, told her teacher, "I've got to go to the office and call my mother."
"The class just started. Wait until it's over," replied her teacher.
"But, I got to go to call my mother," she insisted. "She needs to bring me a pill."
"No! Wait until class id over. Jumping out of her chair, she glared at the teacher and shouted in front of the entire class, "Okay, but if I get pregnant...it's your fault!"

The Angel

Last night, I dreamt an angel appeared in my dream and I asked her, "What are you doing here?"
Looking a little confused she answered, "I don't know."
Feeling sorry for her, I said, "Just wing it," so off she flew. I guess that means I'll have to get a new guardian.

February 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you tell someone there are a billion stars in the sky, they'll believe you. But if you tell them the paint's wet, they'll have to touch it.

Facebook

Talk about Facebook. Heck, if I put my face on a book nobody would touch it!

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. On that day, ashes are placed on the forehead of the believers as a sign of repentance for their sins. This practice is followed by many Christian denominations.
As my wife and I were sitting in the Village Inn on Ash Wednesday having dinner, I noticed Digger Phelps, the ex-Notre Dame basketball coach, on TV. On his forehead was a large cross made of ashes. Could it have been that his main transgressions was he didn't win enough games when he was the coach at ND?
Our waitress also had ashes on her forehead, so I asked her, "What do your customers think about your ashes?"
"I think they know what they're for, because they're asking me about them."
Pointing out the obvious, I said, "If they knew what they were for, why would they ask you about them?"

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What is it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 26, 2012

Schindler Sez
What's in fashion...is not always fashionable.

Common Sense 101

Recently, in the Alburquerque, New Mexico, school system, a 13-year-boy was handcuffed and taken to a juvenile center for burping in class. Also, in the same school district, a seven-year-old austistic boy was handcuffed to a chair because he became agitated dring class. I think it is apparent that a bigh part of the problem in our schools is not the kids, but the fact that many of our school asddministrators and educators seem to have flunked Common Sense 101

That's All Folks

I'm so old I can remember when you turned on the TV, it came right on. Now, 60 years later, with all the new technology, when or if I figure out how to turn the darn thing on, by time it comes on, I could have watched a whole cartoon. Be-a, be-a, be-a, that's all folks!

Pondering
When does a pond become a lake?

Somewhere

"Honey," I said to my wife, I looked everywhere and I still can't find my cell phone."
"You didn't look everywhere," she replied, "because it has to be somewhere."
So I looked somewhere and there it was. What a gal!

February 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

We all love to work...as long as we can watch someone else doing it.

The Valentine Shoe

On Valentine's Day,
He took her to dine,
Gave her plenty of chocolates,
and plied her with wine.

Told her she's beautiful,
In a way that was sly,
Cause she never did guess,
He told her a lie.

He was feeling amorous,
And anxious for woo,
But she got sick on the wine,
And threw up on his shoe.

Love Is Never Ending

Love is a wonderful thing; the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!
I wrote the above saying for last Valentine Day's column. I believe it conveyed such a good lesson, I decided to run it again. Love ya!

Schindler Sez
Everybody likes to laugh...but no one likes to be laughed at.

Nuts

In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That's because the audience usually bought peanuts since they were the cheapest snack. In addition, if they didn't like the performer(s), they'd yell, in many cases, obscene comments and throw peanuts at them. Hence, the phrase, "No comments from the peanut gallery," was coined. I just wanted you all to know that, in case I ever use that phrase, you won't think I'm nuts!

The Pot

A recent Gallop Poll showed that 50 percent of the American people favor legalizing pot. I thought I did. But at my age, since I'm going to pot and I don't mean to the bathroom, I'm against pot.

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What's it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 4, 2012

Schindler Sez
Ask for advice, but temper it with common sense and experience.


The Naked Truth

My friend, John sent me an email which said, "Nude Women." Out of pure curiosity of course, I tried to click on the little bar that was labeled, "ENTER HERE." But every time I tried to click on it, it quickly moved to another spot. After a few tries, I realized it was impossible to open. So I sent John an email back, which said, "John, all I wanted was the naked truth, but I couldn't see the bare facts."

A New Wrinkle

Thank God wrinkles are painless...otherwise we'd all be hurting.

Who Hired The Village People?

The U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, said he is concerned about new state laws requiring voters to show photo identification before they can vote. And believe it or not, the Justice Department is reviewing those laws. Let's face it, isn't showing a picture ID the most practical way of insuring that the person trying to vote is the one who's eligible?? This is just another example of the lack of common sense, which seems to be running amok, even in the highest levels of our government. Now do you believe me when i say, "They're not all living in the villages?"