February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat me down!

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at our airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be? Body scans and pat downs, or suicide bombers ad blow ups? The choice is obvious!

FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2996), than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started win an "F", he said "flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
When women's lib come in the door, chivalry flew out the window.

Confused by the Facts

I asked a radical environmentalist, aka tree hugger, "If there really is global warming, how do you explain the extremely cold winter we're now having?"
"Oh, that's part of the global warming process," she replied.
"Now let me get this straight, you maintain extreme cold is part of global warming, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Gee, I'm soooo dumb. I thought hot weather caused global warming and cold weather caused global cooling. But I guess I'm confused by the facts."

I'll Take Heads

God gave us tow ends, one to sit on and the other to think with. Your success depends on which one you use the most. Heads you win, tails you lose.
Anonymous

Be Cyber

I knew a lady who worked on a computer all day long and I must say, "She was a calculating wench." That's why I never sat be cyber.

February 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The more you love...the better you'll feel.

Love is Wonderful

Love is a wonderful thing, the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!

The Result
St. Valentine's Day is for lovers,
That's what the poets say,
But the result of their love'n
Is just nine months away.

She could use it!

When Brian walked into the house, his wife met him with, "You forgot today was Valentine's Day again, didn't you?"
"No," Brian lied, "I was going to get you a box of candy, but I figured you were sweet enough."
After her tirade, Brian thought, she's not really that sweet, I should have gotten that box of candy!"

Happy Birthday, Abe...wish you were here!

February 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you surround yourself with dumb asses, sooner or later you'll fit right in.

God Bless America

If our founding fathers didn't want prayers in the courthouse, the schoolhouse, or any other public place ... wouldn't they have banned them back then?
Personally, I don't give a damn what anyone else says, to me it's still one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. And I'll pray any damn place I please. God bless America!

Opinions

"Most opinions are worth about what you ay for them ... or less.

The Beautiful Snow
I like snow. Why? Because it's tough sledding without it!

WikiLeaks

Anyone who leaks as much as Wiki ... must have the peezles.

January 29, 2011

Schindler Sez

Everyone has a photographic memory, but not too many people get the picture.

Can you imagine a world with out men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

--Nicole Hollander

Can you imagine a world without women? No nagging and lots of beer, sports and merriment.

--Schindler

You Be The Judge

Have you noticed that the cheats, liars, murderers' and other lawbreakers are never sorry until they get caught" Which makes me wonder, are they really sorry, or are they just pretending to be, so they'll get a lighter sentence? Some of the sentences being handed out definitely show, that in a lot of cases, many judges can't tell the difference.

The Spigot

Now that I'm in my mid-70s and have finally reached middle age, sometimes, for no reason at all, my eyes will start watering and the tears pour down my cheeks. This really irritates me because I didn't turn the spigot on.

January 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never try to please everybody...it can't be done!

The Laughing Dutchman

Jon came to the United States from Holland 50 years ago, when he was only five years old. After talking with him for a while, Eric asked, "Do they still have windmills in Holland, or just windbags?"
"A little bit of both," Jon answered, laughing."
Jon's laughter told Eric his comment didn't get him in Dutch.

Old vs. New

Far too many years ago, it used to be how good can we build it? Now it seems to be, how cheap can we build?If you don't believe me, just compare the old churches, government building, etc, to the new ones.

The Last shall be First

Is it true that the sinners and holier-than-thous sit in front of the church, the faithful in the middle, and the quick escape artists in the back? All I know is the Bible says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." So, since I was the last one in, and since I believe in the Bible, I feel like I'm obligated to be the first one out. See ya!

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

January 15, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you were never naughty, you never had much fun.

We See You

Never do brain surgery with your index finger while you're driving. We can still see you!

The Leftovers

Jim was attending a University of St. Francis' football game with his friends Tom and Margie. At halftime, he decided to go get something to eat. On returning to his seat, Jim started to wolf down his chili dogs, like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. As a result, chili sauce began to dribble all over his tie. (Don't you dare to think it was me; I don't wear a tie). Anyway, Margie noticed and said, "Jim, you're getting chili sauce all over you tie."
"That's okay," Jim replied, "When I get home, I'll put it in the freezer and have it for lunch."

Love & Alcohol

Alcohol increases the desire, but ruins the performance.

--Paraphrasing Shakespeare

January 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
A girl always seem prettier, when her daddy's rich.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Would Santa be as jolly, if he was skinny?

The Beer Salesman

Throughout the first half of the 1900s, beer salesmen would make their rounds of the taverns in their area, trying to convince the thier clients t0 drink their particular brand of beer. Usually, the salesmen would buy all the patrons in the bars they visited, a round of the beer they were pushing, hoping they might like it and start to drink that brand..
It didn't take too long for the thirsty sots, excuse me, I mean customers, to figure out the salesman's modus operandi. For example, when the salesman would leave Decatur, Indiana's, Green Kettle, one of the customers would run out the back door and spread the word to his buddies, who were also exceedingly fond of anything brewed, that he was in town. Then it was just a matter of following him, like the rats followed the Pied Piper, from bar to bar, enjoying the complimentary nectar of the gods. After all, the local imbibers theorized, It wouldn't be polite to refuse such a gracious offer.
Needless to say, the day the beer salesman showed up, was an auspicious occasion, and at least on that day, he was definitely the most popular guy in town. Bottoms up. Hic!

January 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you go looking for trouble...you'll usually find it.

The Break

You can break a glass, you can break a leg, and you can bust your butt, but what gets broken more than anything in the world? New Year's resolutions!

My Resolution
I made a resolution on,
New Year's Day to keep,
No matter how I struggled,
I broke it in a week.

Oh Lord, give me the strength
To keep, the promise that I made,
To do not things I shouldn't do,
And help me to behave.

I can resist most everything,
I know that's good for me,
But I can't resist temptation,
Without the help of Thee.

So Lord, please hold me in your hand,
But squeeze me not too tight,
And let me loose in a couple of hours,
Cause tonight is Saturday night.

December 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
Short sermons make happy parishioners.

The Egg & Nog

Rudolph had a red nose,
The reindeer were agog.
They thought it was a miracle,
But he loved his egg and nog!

Jason's Hope

Twenty-seven-year-old Jason called his father after he checked into a four-star hotel in Chicago. "Dad, they're having a Victoria Secret audition here and there must be a least a thousand girls in the hotel."
"Are they cute?"
"They're gorgeous. They have to be, to be Victoria Secret models.
"Are you going to ask one out?"
"Yeah, but I figure if I ask them all out, one of them is bound to say yes!"

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

To all my readers and friends in Decatur and Adams County, you're the best!

December 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

When incompetence gets in our way, it's the computer's fault.

Cats & Dogs & Santa Claus

If cats call their Santa, Santa Claws, what do dogs cal theirs...Santa Paws!

The Bird

"Mom's canary died," my wife, Fry, informed me. But I got her another one and you won't believe how much it cost."
"How much?"
"A hundred and ten dollars."
"You're serious?"
"Yes, a hundred and ten dollars."
"That's a lot, considering people give me the bird for nothing."

Light up his Night
Give him a Coleman for Christmas...it'll light up his night.

December 11, 2010

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the Grim Reaper's helper.

A Farve

He pulled a Favre.
Translation: he changed his mind.

The Good Neighbor

Mike phoned his neighbor. "Hey Tom, wanna have a scotch?"
"Sure."
"Do you have any?"
"Yeah."
"That's great...bring it over with you."

Christmas Bills

Why does Santa get all the credit and all I get is the bills?

December 4, 2010

Schindler Sez
No one likes criticism...even if it's the truth.

It's Bad

Is the stench in the White House so bad that even Rahm had to get the hell out of there?

Looking Stupid

Whenever I see a driver doing something stupid, if I have an opportunity to pass him, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like and usually I'm not disappointed.

Women!

I was sitting at the breakfast table and when my wife walked over, I intentionally looked into my empty coffee cup for a second or two. Somewhat aggravated , she said, "If you wanted some more coffee, why didn't you let me know?"
"Well," I replied, "I thought if I snapped my fingers or whistled; you'd get mad!"
If looks could kill, I'd be dead! Women...they have no sense of humor.

Question

Do alligators call their Santa...Santa Jaws?

November 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
Something is better than nothing!

Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter to me," the customer replied, "I'm bi-sacksual!

In Reverse

Dan was having dinner with his buddy, John, and his wife, Sue, when the conversation turned to women."Women, "Dan said, "are trouble."
"You better reverse that," Sue, snapped.
"Okay,"Dan replied, "Trouble are women."

Can you believe she said this"

"We have to pass the bill (Obama Care), so you can find out what's in it."
--Nancy Pelosi

November 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you take enough steps, you'll get there.


That Smarts

I'm going in for hernia surgery Friday and frankly I'm a little concerned whenever anyone is cutting that close to my manhood. What if the scalpel slipped? Uhooo, I bet that smarts!

The Turkeys

No matter how many turkeys are consumed on Thanksgiving, there will always be plenty to go around. Why...I'll bet you even know a few!

The Cocky Wife

A lady friend once told me, "My husband rules the roost, but I rule the rooster."
Hmmmm, I thought to myself, maybe that's why she's so cocky.

November 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
We believe what we perceive.

The Watch

Cable TV is becoming so expensive that in may cases it cost more than a car payment, which makes me ask, "Is it worth the watch?"

Go Figure

Obama wants everyone to prove they're insured, but they don't have to prove they're citizens. Go figure!

Nameless

Carol, being a dutiful niece, went to see her Aunt Mildred, who was suffering from Alzheimer's and was now in a nursing home. "Do you know who I am?" she asked auntie upon entering her room.
"If you don't know who you are, how do you expect me to know who you are? Hell, I don't even know who I am!"

November 6,2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to wear shoes to tie one on.

The Silent Prayer

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The English Lesson

Indiana State Police Officer, Andy, pulled over a young lady whose license plate light was not working. When she rolled down her window, he detected a strong smell of marijuana. Upon searching her vehicle, he found an ample supply of the weed. The perpetrator's first name, according to her driver's license was Le-a, so Andy said, "Well Le-a, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown."
"My name's not Le-a, it's Le-dash-a. The dash ain't silent, fool!"
With a big grin, Andy thought to himself, it isn't every day I get a free English lesson.

A Doggie's Tale
If your dog's fat...you're not getting enough exercise.

Anonymous

October 30, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's a rare bird that does something for nothing.

Never Never

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket, unless you know how much they're going to take.

The Wiener!

As I was enjoying lunch at the Coney Island hot-dog stand, my waiter came over and asked how I liked my dogs.
"They're wieners," I replied.
He looked at me, shook his head as he walked away and didn't even smile. I guess he didn't think it was that bun-ny.

Wise Words

It's alright to help those who can't...but not those who won't.
Thomas K (only) Hurst

October 23, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't have it...don't spend it.

RPMs

My wife, Fry, asked me why there is a huge RPM gauge in most cars, which, if the truth were known, the majority of drivers have no idea what it means, or what it is for. I know it means revolutions per minute. But, how many revolutions should it be doing at any given time, is still a mystery to me and I'm sure to a lot of other folks.
After discussing how many people really didn't know what it's for, Fry, to prove a point, called Irene, her 88-year-old mother, and asked if she knew what it meant. "Heavens, no," Irene answered, "I don't even turn the radio on."

When

When did a caramel become a care-a-mel?

Compromise

A compromise is an agreement where neither party gets what they wanted.

--Anonymous

October 16, 2010

Schindler Sez
Sometimes it's better to bite your tongue than to tell the truth!

A Fool's Drink

"Gin is a fool's drink. "When I was young," Jim reminisced, "I thought it made me smart, strong, and a stud. But, in actuality, it made me weak, stupid, and a dud."

The Path to Nowhere

Be true to yourself and follow your own path. Whenever you abandon your faith and beliefs and blindly follow the herd that has no idea what it's doing or where it's going, it will definitely take you down the road of sorrow and regret.

Calling

Calling an illegal foreigner an "Undocumented Immigrant," is a little bit like calling a drug dealer an "Unlicensed Pharmacist."