December 10, 2011

Schindler Sez

Change is good. It forces us to adapt and helps to eliminate boredom.

Frosty

If Frosty the Snowman doesn't melt your heart, it must be awfully cold.

The Not-to-Obvious Obvious

I recently read an article in the newspaper where a witness saw a man shoot himself in a parking lot and he was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. It went on to say that the coroner's office was to determine the cause of death. Gee, I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out the obvious. Maybe I should keep my nose out of it, or I'll be accused of shooting off my mouth. Then, there'll probably be another ongoing investigation.

The Crack

Today, in the pew in front of me, there was a big heavy guy wearing jeans and a bomber jacket.
When he bent over to pick something up in the pew in front of him, let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. Could there be, I wonder, some leaky pipes in heaven? If so, I'm sure this guy could do a crackup job. No ifs ands or butts.

December 3, 2011

Schindler Sez

Don't swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won't get anywhere and in the second, you'll still be all wet.

The Wicked Bible

In 1631, the so called "Wicked Bible," was printed. A competitor bribed one of the printer's, Robert Barker's workers, to leave the word "not" out of the Seventh Commandment. Thus it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." King James I, ordered all copies seized and burned. Unfortunately, a few copies survived and I believe to this very day that that adulterous version still has many followers. But, it's "not" for me to say.

The Tzars (Czars)

Did you know that throughout the entire history of Russia, there were only 24 Tsars? Obama has 32. The Russians are probably wondering why in heaven's name does he need all those Czars. They caused us all kinds of misery and we only had one at a time.

Poor Devils

The average NBA player makes somewhere around $5 million a year. If all you made was $5 million, wouldn't you also want to strike? Maybe we ought to organize.

November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.

November 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

You don't have to be handsome or pretty to be a beautiful human being.

The Almighty Dollar

People used to chase the almighty dollar so they could buy stuff. Now they chase it so they can keep the stuff.

~Bruce Buck

No Call

Stan asked me for my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, "What's the matter, don't you know your own phone number?"
I had to stop and think," I answered, "because I never call myself. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because if I answer when I call myself, people think I'm nuts."

The Picture

The only known photograph of Billy "The Kid," taken in 1879, recently sold for $2.3 million and I'm not kidding. That's more than he ever made robbing and killing. If there is a moral to this story, it has to be that the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth or anything else...shoot a picture instead. It pays better.

October 29, 2011

Schindler Sez
You can't buy class. Only the classless think you can.

No Guts

I hate Halloween,
Mary the Pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.

They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie,
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.

Thanksgiving's next,
I heard them say.
But without any innards,
They threw me away.

Now here I lie
In a garbage heap.
My skin is all wrinkled,
My shell has no meat.

What a terrible shame,
To end up this way.
Why, if I had the guts,
I'd run away.

October 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Every day...find a better way.

The Real Cause

Seismologists have determined that the recent earthquake near Washington D.C. was not the result of a fault line or any natural phenomenon. It was caused by our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Barber School

Today my son, Jimmie and I went to our barber, Skip. As I was in the barber's chair, they were talking about Cary Grant on the morning show.
"Who's Cary Grant?" Jimmie wanted to know.
"He was a famous movie star in the '30s, '40s, '50s and 60s." I answered.
"Yeah," Skip chimed in. "he was really a good-looking guy."
"I never heard of him,"Jimmie said.
"Must be a generation thing," I said, looking at Skip.
"You can always get an education at my barbershop," Skip pointed out proudly.
"Yeah," I replied, "You learn all the falsehoods."

October 15, 2011

Schindler Sez

When many people say they don't remember, what they really mean is they never knew.

Idiocy Personified

A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory that there are more village idiots in Washington than there are in the villages.
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by the federal housing agencies, Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tennessee), proposed that borrowers be required to make a five percent down payment in order to qualify.
His proposal was was rejected 57-42 on a party line vote because as Senator Chris Dodd, (D-Conn), explained, "Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
It could only happen in Washington, Hollywood, or Connecticut.

Where's My Invitation?

In the past race for city council at large here in Fort Wayne, one Democratic primary winner stated he liked to spend his time in his motel room, drinking and watching porn. Hmmm, I wonder if his supporters were hoping to be invited over.

The Stand

If you don't stand for something, you'll stand for nothing.

October 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
"When you're employed, you're more employable."

The Invitation

Millie, Helen and Irene's friend, passed away. Shortly afterward, Helen's children were planning a surprise birthday party for her. Not realizing Millie had died, Helen's children sent her an invitation. Mary, Millie's daughter, read the invitation, called Irene and said, "Obviously, Helen's children don't know mom passed away, But Irene," Mary, being somewhat of a wit, went on, "If mom shows up, give me a call."

The Shrinkage

As we all know, we shrink with age. Tuesday night, Mike, who is considerably younger than I but still no spring chicken, was complaining to me and my wife Fry, when he said, "I'm getting shorter."
"Heck, I've shrunk and inch and a half," I interjected.
"Has Fry noticed?"

Put your money in your head.
~Benjamin Franklin

October 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never talk too much about too little.

The Earrings

My Friend Dan and I were having dinner at Bandido's, my favorite Mexican restaurant, when a college basketball player came in. After looking him over, Dan wondered, "How in the heck can a college freshman afford a thousand dollar pair of earrings?"
"Oh, him," I said , motioning at the player with my head. "He plays for Ohio State!"

The Prize

Since the winner for excellence in journalism, literature, or music, is awarded the Pulitzer Prize, does the winner for excellence in organ playing win the Wurlitzer Prize?

The Passing

Have you noticed that more people either pass away, or just plain pass than die? Others go home to the Lord, or to their eternal reward. I can only surmise, but I believe some also go to a very hot place. Of course that is never mentioned in the obituaries. Now please tell me, what is so terrible about saying John Smith died, because isn't that what he did? When I go, I hope my obituary tells it like it is and says, Jim Schindler died; as soon as the word got around, the celebration began.

September 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

"You can't solve a problem by throwing money at it! Wouldn't if be wonderful if our politicians and bureaucrats understood this?

Jack

A lot of people don't know Jack. Do you know jack? If you don't, I'll give you a clue. His last name starts with an "S".

The Incredible Shrinking Man

"Dan," I asked, "how tall are you?"
"I used to be 5'-11'', but since my wife beat me down, I'm only 5'-9'' and a half.

Richard

I have a friend, Richard, who everyone calls Dick.
"Doesn't that bother you?" I asked.
"No. Why?"
"You know the name Dick has a certain connotation."
"There are a lot of people out there with names like Jim, John, Bob, Harry, Josh, or whatever, who are called Dicks and they're not even Richards.

September 17, 2011

Schindler Sez
Self-praise is not praiseworthy.

The Right Side

There are two sides to every marital spat; the right side and her side.
Ladies, if it would make you happier, I'll reverse it. There are two sides to every marital spat; her side and the right side.

Dying for a Beer

I was having a beer and relaxing with my 90 year-old friend, Jack, when he said, "I probably should quit drinking beer, but I enjoy it."
"Hell, Jack," I said, "if you're going to die from old age or drinking beer, let me tell you, you'll have a heck of a lot more fun dying from drinking beer."

Remembered

Old friends can't be replaced, only remembered for more than they were.

~Tom "K only" Hurst

September 3 & 10, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't try to please everyone. It can't be done.

Can't You Hear?

Uncle Sam, can you hear me? You can't spend yourself out of debt!

A Bunch

A stranger once asked me what I did for a living and I answered, "I'm an entremanure." Needless to say he thought that was a bunch of crap.

The Glutton

Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Restaurant company is calling the contestants in their annul 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, athletes. Five me a break! Athlete is spelled a-t-h-e-l-e-t-e not p-i-g. I'll probably catch a lot ot hell for saying that. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Certainty is the end of confusion
der Fritz

Bad Judge

When it comes to the judges on "America's Got Talent," I think Peirce (Morgan), is obviously the most competent. Sharon (Osbourne), is pretty and good, but Howie (Mandel), well he's Howie. I wouldn't say that he's that bad, but I do wonder howie got that job. But, come to think of it, he's not the only bad judge.

The MVP

This years's Most Valuable Player (MVP), in the NBA's championship game, was Dallas Mavericks player from Germany, Dirk Nowitzki. Who would have ever thought a German would give the storied American basketball palyers a good whipping? I can remember when the Americans always beat the Germans, except in soccer, of course. Mein Gott in Himmel!

A Constitutional Right

Freedom of speech means we should always be able to speak the truth ... even if it's not politically correct.

August 20, 2011

Schindler Sez
Read Moby Dick, it's a whale of a tale.

One's Enough!

"Pat," Charlie yelled gruffly at his waitress, "get me some more coffee."
"I don't like your tone of voice," she said. Then glancing at the guys sitting with him, while throwing her thumb backward over her shoulder toward Charlie, she said, "I've got one of those at home."

The Ambulance Driver

"Gary, do you see that guy sitting over there?" Joe asked, motioning with his head. "Do you know who he is?"
"Yeah, I know him, but I can't remember his name."
"You can't?"
"No. I drive an ambulance. I get paid to forget names."

The Wake-up Call

I Vice President Biden was ever needed in an emergency ... who'd wake him up?

August 27, 2011

Schindler Sez
Home cooking is where many a man foolishly thinks his wife is.

Horned & Horny

What's the difference between a horned frog and a horny toad? Actually, a horny toad is not a toad at all, it's a horny lizard. That's why there are so many around.

Wise Words

"The trouble with socialism is, sooner or later, you will run out of other people's money."
~Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister, The United Kingdom

Profit

In business, profit is not a dirty word; it's the only word. Why? Because any business that doesn't make a profit...doesn't make it.

August 13, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything.

Cute

Minnesota Governor Pawlenty is geting all kinds of flack for saying congresswomen and presidential candidate, Michele Bachmann, has "sex appeal." Since when does freedom of speech mean you can't tell the truth? After all she is kind of cute!

Buddies

It's better to be a buddy than a no buddy.

~Somebody

No Work

Wilbur was driving through a construction site when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
"Do you know why I pulled you over? the officer asked.
"No, why?""Didn't you see that sign , Men Working, 45mph? I clocked you at 55.
"There were no men working back there," Wilbur argued.
"Yes there were," the officer countered.
"Take a look for yourself."
Turning around, the officer spotted six or eight men standing on the berm, kidding and joking around and not one doing a lick of work.
With a you got me look grin, he looked at Wilbur and said, "I guess you're right. Have a nice day."

August 6, 2011

Schindler Sez

Every time I say a bad word, I was my mouth out with a margarita!

The Assumption

In your dad-to-day dealings, if you assume very few people have common sense, you will seldom be disappointed.

The Proud Mom

The entire Freistroffer family was at a gala celebration party for Tom "Tremendous" Freistroffer's primary win, in his run for city council at-large. Talking to his mother, his brother, John, said, "Oh mom, aren't you proud of your son?"
"I sure am!"
"And Tom too?" John added.

July 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

Never let your emotions override your judgment. A hot head doesn't do any cool thinking!

If You Want to Avoid Criticism:
Say nothing,
Do nothing,
Be Nothing.

Robert Gates; Secretary of Defense

Laughless

"When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs," Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. "But when he tells someene else the same joke, he laughs like crazy," she went on grimacing and slamming her fist into her hand.
"Holly, if it would make you feel better, I'm laughing and you don't even have to bother telling me the joke!"

She Doesn't Agree

I was explaining something to Irene, my 89-year-old mother-in-law, and when I finished she said, "You're right. You're always right."
"I don't agree with that Irene and you daughter won't agree with it either.
"She's not always right"
"Well, I agree with that, but she won't."

July 23, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between a hotel and a motel is...a hotel can charge more.

The Guilt Trip

Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I used to keep tract of my daily appointments. Late this past December, when he still hadn't given me one, I sent him the follow email.
Mark, my second best friend in the entire world forgot me this year. I'm wounded! Even though I'm among the uncircumcised, each year you send me a day planner for Hanukkah. This year the only thing I got was the Bronx cheer. Woe is me. Maybe you didn't know my brother-in-law was Jewish. Salaam.
Sincerely,
Your forgotten friend,
Jim Schindler
Mark answered my email with a quick, I've got one for you.
Damn, I thought, laying the old Jewish mother's guilt trip on him really worked.

Wise Words
He wo throws dirt ... losses ground.
~Chinese Proverb

July 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The most beneficial force in the world is love.
The most destructive is hate.

Jesus' Underwear

The second grade class at St. Monica's Catholic Grade School just made their first communion. For a treat, the parish priest, Father Jeff, supplied milk and cookies.
On entering the classroom to congratulate the communicants, their teacher told Father Jeff the class would like to ask him a question.
"Who wants to ask me a question?" the good priest asked.
A young boy raised his hand.
"What's your question?"
"Why do they have a prayer about Jesus' underwear?"
"They don't."
"Yes they do."
"What prayer are you talking about?"
"Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of the loom...

Wise Words

When the people fear their government there is tyranny;
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.
~Thomas Jefferson

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday!

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble ... but I wouldn't bet on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class together at the Green Grog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweat shirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How abut this one, " Ann answered, as she lifted the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cups logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In one of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called and gave him "hell" for using the word.

July 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
Knowledge is priceless...Ignorance is free!

Boring

The ash borer infestation in Fort Wayne has killed hundreds of ash trees. As a result, the city is in the process of cutting down all the remaining ones. I really don't know, but I hear it's boring

The Exceptions

Harold Camping, the California preacher who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare the hell out of all the sinners, of which I hear there are quite a few! You and me exempted, of course.

Potholes

"Hey, Adam, how ya doing?"
"Pretty good. I've had more fun dodging potholes on my way to the doctors's office this morning than I've had since my first wife left.

The Jury's Out of it!

Way back when, the stupidest person in town was called the "Village Idiot." I used to think that every village had one, but I was wrong. Now they're on our juries!

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday.

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble...but don't count on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class get-to-gather at the Green Frog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweatshirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How about this one," Ann answered, as she lifted up the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cubs logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My Friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In on of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called him and gave him "hell" for using the word.

June 25,2011

Schindler Sez
What do tornadoes have against trailer parks?

A quote to remember on July 4th

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis

Prince Less

As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding, her husband, Steve, walked into the living room and said, "Why are you watching that stupid wedding?"
"Oh," Holly replied, "I just wanted to know what it was like to marry a prince."
Steve had to hold himself back, otherwise he would have crowned her!

Appropriate

This Independence Day week, I can't think of anything more appropriate than these two stanzas from Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
and I won't forget the men who died, Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up, next to you,
And defend her still today,
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

June 18, 2011

Schindler Sez

A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.

The Real Whopper

I overheard one lady say to another, "I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go."
Looking at her I thought to myself, lady if you worked it off, it must have been a whopper, because there's still plenty left!

The Bogeyman

If most golfers put as much time and effort into improving their circumstance as they do their handicap, they would never again have to worry about the financial bogeyman!

Not Hot

Nowadays, it seems to me that if you want to be cool, you must do four things. First, don't tuck your shirt in. Second, wear your pants down around your butt; third have a zillion tattoos and fourth, wear your hat sideways or backwards. Then, even though you might think you're cool...sure as hell won't be "Hot".

June 11, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own a donkey to kick ass!

Father's Day
On June 19th,
Don't forget dad,
If it wasn't for him,
You might have been bad.

Amber

When I asked the lay, who assisted my dentist today, what her name was, she said, "Amber."
"Amber," I repeated, "when you go home ask your husband what his favorite color is. If he doesn't say Amber...slap him."

The Smart Phone

"Dad," my son Jimmie, asked, "Why don't you get a smart phone?"
"Son," I replied, "I never buy anything that's smarter than me."

June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.

April 16, 2011

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe. If you don't stick your neck out, you're not going anywhere!

Gina

After talking to Gina our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, "Gina, are you Italian?"
"No, I'm three-quarters Indian."
"Indian? Like American Indian?"
"Yeah."
"Do they still wear loin cloths?" I jokingly asked.
"Sure, they have nothing to hide."

Twits
Are those who tweet on twitter ... twits?

Charlie's "Sheen" II

Charlie seems to have lost his sheen,
He's acting strange and a little mean.
But he doesn't care if he's the oddest,
He's got his millions and a sexy Goddess.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark ... never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen.
"Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up, "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house and the storm still hasn't passed.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark...never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen. "Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up. "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house for many a day.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom
Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 2, 2011

Schindler Sez
Even a fish wouldn't get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!!

A Huge Celebration

If April Fool's Day was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating. Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I'm following a huge four-wheel-dive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail's pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, it was a four-wheel-drive SUV. This got me to wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they'd probably call their mommies!

Charlie's "Sheen"
Charlie's sheen is not too bright,
It lost its glow that booze filled night.
But it put a smile upon his face
That you just can't get most any place.

March 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money can't buy happiness and happiness can't money. But, wouldn't we all be happier if we had a little more money?

Arthuritis

As you age, and the doctor can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you...that old rascal Arthuritis always gets the blame.

Light's On

This past week, we went to a wedding in Montgomery, Alabama, and stayed in a nice hotel. Our total bill for three days, not including meals, was $441.05.
As we drove past a nearby Motel 6 on the way home, I noticed they had a sign that read, "Rooms, $39,99." That got me thinking, "Gee, if we stayed at the Motel 6, our bill with tax, would have been a little over forty-five bucks a night, for a grand total of $135. This meant that I would still have $286.05 in my pocket. Besides that, they would have left the light on for me!

Up?

If you put a drain in upside down, will it drain up?

March 19, 2001

Schindler Sez
The fruit of the vine...loosens the lips.

A Duck Groaner

While having lunch at Columbia Street Restaurant with my eight-eight-year-old mother-in-law, she mentioned they had duck burgers. "Duck burgers," I replied, "eating duck makes me laugh."
"It does?"
"Yeah, it quacks me up"

Slinkies
Some people are a lot like Slinkies. If you plush them down the stairs, it'll bring a smile to your face.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!

What's the dig deal about don't ask, don't tell? If you don't ask me, i won't tell. "But I know a lady who will tell, even if you don't ask.

No Joke

As we were driving during rush hour, we came upon a construction site ad immediately got into a traffic jam. "This is a joke," my wife said, somewhat irritated.
"If it's a joke," I replied, "Why ain't i laughing?"

March 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
A kind word is a joy forever.

Tanks

In gratitude for the Army's help in forcing Hosni Mubarak out of office, the people of Egypt say, "Tanks."

The Shack

I've seen a lot of shacks in my time, but none of them could play basketball.

Not Work

If you can't wait to get up in the morning and go to work, you don't work. Because when you do what you truly love to do...it's not work.

I Like You

Phil, a scrawny, nerdy-looking, young lawyer, just graduated from law school. His first client was a huge man with a rap sheet as long as your arm. While he was studying his client's lengthy record, the lawbreaker asked, "How long have you been lawyering?"
Phil glanced at him, hesitated for a moment to choose the right words and then answered, "Not as long as you've been breaking the law."
"Booooy...I like you!" the accused replied with a big smile, much to Phil's relief.

The Lost Marbles

The Indiana House members who fled to an Illinois hotel to avoid doing the job they were elected to do, reminds me of the kid who didn't think he could win, if he played by the rules, so he took his marbles and went home.
Could it be that the Indiana House members took off because they already lost theirs?

March 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between the shanty Irish and lace curtain Irish, is about $30,000 a year.

An Irish Cheer
Let's give the Irish a cheer,
For shamrocks, corn beef and green beer.
And to St. Patty I say,
Drive the snakes all away,
But please, leave the good people here.

O'Schindler

O'Connolly, McGuire and me,

In a pub, having a jar, just we three.

"Are you Irish?" they asked,

As they passed me the flask,

"I'm as Irish as O'Schindler can be!"

An Old Irish Tale

Did you hear the one about the Irishman who walked past a pub? It could happen!

An Ode to Saint Patrick

Lets honor Patrick the Saint,
In a way that we think is quaint.
With Bandido's fajitas and green Margaritas,
Cause Irish we certainty ain't

Happy St. Patrick's Day to O'Connolly, McGuire and Ye

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat Me Down

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at out airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be/ Body scans and pat-downs, or suicide bombers and blow ups? The choice is obvious!
FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2,996) than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2,350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started with an "F", he said "Flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for, "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat me down!

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at our airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be? Body scans and pat downs, or suicide bombers ad blow ups? The choice is obvious!

FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2996), than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started win an "F", he said "flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
When women's lib come in the door, chivalry flew out the window.

Confused by the Facts

I asked a radical environmentalist, aka tree hugger, "If there really is global warming, how do you explain the extremely cold winter we're now having?"
"Oh, that's part of the global warming process," she replied.
"Now let me get this straight, you maintain extreme cold is part of global warming, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Gee, I'm soooo dumb. I thought hot weather caused global warming and cold weather caused global cooling. But I guess I'm confused by the facts."

I'll Take Heads

God gave us tow ends, one to sit on and the other to think with. Your success depends on which one you use the most. Heads you win, tails you lose.
Anonymous

Be Cyber

I knew a lady who worked on a computer all day long and I must say, "She was a calculating wench." That's why I never sat be cyber.

February 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The more you love...the better you'll feel.

Love is Wonderful

Love is a wonderful thing, the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!

The Result
St. Valentine's Day is for lovers,
That's what the poets say,
But the result of their love'n
Is just nine months away.

She could use it!

When Brian walked into the house, his wife met him with, "You forgot today was Valentine's Day again, didn't you?"
"No," Brian lied, "I was going to get you a box of candy, but I figured you were sweet enough."
After her tirade, Brian thought, she's not really that sweet, I should have gotten that box of candy!"

Happy Birthday, Abe...wish you were here!

February 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you surround yourself with dumb asses, sooner or later you'll fit right in.

God Bless America

If our founding fathers didn't want prayers in the courthouse, the schoolhouse, or any other public place ... wouldn't they have banned them back then?
Personally, I don't give a damn what anyone else says, to me it's still one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. And I'll pray any damn place I please. God bless America!

Opinions

"Most opinions are worth about what you ay for them ... or less.

The Beautiful Snow
I like snow. Why? Because it's tough sledding without it!

WikiLeaks

Anyone who leaks as much as Wiki ... must have the peezles.

January 29, 2011

Schindler Sez

Everyone has a photographic memory, but not too many people get the picture.

Can you imagine a world with out men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

--Nicole Hollander

Can you imagine a world without women? No nagging and lots of beer, sports and merriment.

--Schindler

You Be The Judge

Have you noticed that the cheats, liars, murderers' and other lawbreakers are never sorry until they get caught" Which makes me wonder, are they really sorry, or are they just pretending to be, so they'll get a lighter sentence? Some of the sentences being handed out definitely show, that in a lot of cases, many judges can't tell the difference.

The Spigot

Now that I'm in my mid-70s and have finally reached middle age, sometimes, for no reason at all, my eyes will start watering and the tears pour down my cheeks. This really irritates me because I didn't turn the spigot on.

January 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never try to please everybody...it can't be done!

The Laughing Dutchman

Jon came to the United States from Holland 50 years ago, when he was only five years old. After talking with him for a while, Eric asked, "Do they still have windmills in Holland, or just windbags?"
"A little bit of both," Jon answered, laughing."
Jon's laughter told Eric his comment didn't get him in Dutch.

Old vs. New

Far too many years ago, it used to be how good can we build it? Now it seems to be, how cheap can we build?If you don't believe me, just compare the old churches, government building, etc, to the new ones.

The Last shall be First

Is it true that the sinners and holier-than-thous sit in front of the church, the faithful in the middle, and the quick escape artists in the back? All I know is the Bible says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." So, since I was the last one in, and since I believe in the Bible, I feel like I'm obligated to be the first one out. See ya!

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

January 15, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you were never naughty, you never had much fun.

We See You

Never do brain surgery with your index finger while you're driving. We can still see you!

The Leftovers

Jim was attending a University of St. Francis' football game with his friends Tom and Margie. At halftime, he decided to go get something to eat. On returning to his seat, Jim started to wolf down his chili dogs, like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. As a result, chili sauce began to dribble all over his tie. (Don't you dare to think it was me; I don't wear a tie). Anyway, Margie noticed and said, "Jim, you're getting chili sauce all over you tie."
"That's okay," Jim replied, "When I get home, I'll put it in the freezer and have it for lunch."

Love & Alcohol

Alcohol increases the desire, but ruins the performance.

--Paraphrasing Shakespeare

January 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
A girl always seem prettier, when her daddy's rich.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Would Santa be as jolly, if he was skinny?

The Beer Salesman

Throughout the first half of the 1900s, beer salesmen would make their rounds of the taverns in their area, trying to convince the thier clients t0 drink their particular brand of beer. Usually, the salesmen would buy all the patrons in the bars they visited, a round of the beer they were pushing, hoping they might like it and start to drink that brand..
It didn't take too long for the thirsty sots, excuse me, I mean customers, to figure out the salesman's modus operandi. For example, when the salesman would leave Decatur, Indiana's, Green Kettle, one of the customers would run out the back door and spread the word to his buddies, who were also exceedingly fond of anything brewed, that he was in town. Then it was just a matter of following him, like the rats followed the Pied Piper, from bar to bar, enjoying the complimentary nectar of the gods. After all, the local imbibers theorized, It wouldn't be polite to refuse such a gracious offer.
Needless to say, the day the beer salesman showed up, was an auspicious occasion, and at least on that day, he was definitely the most popular guy in town. Bottoms up. Hic!

January 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you go looking for trouble...you'll usually find it.

The Break

You can break a glass, you can break a leg, and you can bust your butt, but what gets broken more than anything in the world? New Year's resolutions!

My Resolution
I made a resolution on,
New Year's Day to keep,
No matter how I struggled,
I broke it in a week.

Oh Lord, give me the strength
To keep, the promise that I made,
To do not things I shouldn't do,
And help me to behave.

I can resist most everything,
I know that's good for me,
But I can't resist temptation,
Without the help of Thee.

So Lord, please hold me in your hand,
But squeeze me not too tight,
And let me loose in a couple of hours,
Cause tonight is Saturday night.

December 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
Short sermons make happy parishioners.

The Egg & Nog

Rudolph had a red nose,
The reindeer were agog.
They thought it was a miracle,
But he loved his egg and nog!

Jason's Hope

Twenty-seven-year-old Jason called his father after he checked into a four-star hotel in Chicago. "Dad, they're having a Victoria Secret audition here and there must be a least a thousand girls in the hotel."
"Are they cute?"
"They're gorgeous. They have to be, to be Victoria Secret models.
"Are you going to ask one out?"
"Yeah, but I figure if I ask them all out, one of them is bound to say yes!"

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

To all my readers and friends in Decatur and Adams County, you're the best!