They Don’t Care

Today, at least in this area, people don’t die, they pass. At first, I didn’t like that phrase. I thought: why doesn’t one just say, they died, because that’s what they did. But after mulling it over, I changed my mind. After all, isn’t death a time when one passes from this life into the next? Still, no matter what we call the last trip…I’m sure it makes no difference to the dearly departed.

Beauty

Beauty is what you’re used to.

It’s Everywhere

Incompetence stalks the land!

The Gift of a Loan

Whenever I lend money to my family or friends, in my mind’s eye, I see it as a gift. Then if I get paid back, I’m pleasantly surprised. But if I don’t since I saw it as a gift, I never become embittered or angry, for to lose their friendship over a few dollars seems foolish to me.

An Eye Opener

We close our eyes when we sneeze.

A Hard Left

Why is it that many people who demand their constitutional right to free speech are outraged when others exercise theirs and express the opposite view? Perhaps these hypocrites should be given, in addition to their rights, a hard left.

Almost Impossible

It is almost impossible to be good at something you don’t like to do.

The Nuts

          In the last presidential election, ACORN, a liberal community activist group, registered 1.3 million new voters, of which almost a third were rejected, in too many cases because they were fraudulent. Obviously, this was very embarrassing to the Obama campaign. In addition, ACORN’s workers were caught on tape, giving advice on how to get a government loan to run a house of ill repute, using underage prostitutes, from El Salvador.

          Now ACORN is trying to blame Fox News, the right wing, and anyone else that doesn’t agree with or support them for their wrong doings. Quite frankly, until I first heard about ACORN, a year or so ago, I always assumed that acorns were nuts. However, it’s nice to know that I’m still right…on both accounts! 

The Judge’s New Pants

In the 1940s, Floyd Hunter, the local judge in the small town of Decatur, Indiana, had a side business repairing wooden bowling pins for the surrounding bowling alleys. One day, quite unexpectedly, he was called into court. Not taking time to change his clothes, he showed up in pants all covered with paint splotches and dirt. After a quick hearing, “His Honor” found the perpetrator guilty and fined him ten dollars. On paying, the lawbreaker handed the judge an extra five bucks along with these words, “Here…get yourself some new pants.”

What This Country Needs

What this country needs is an honest politician.

The Scoop on Poop

            Sam, Jenny’s son, stayed overnight at a friend’s house and the next morning the neighbors’ dad brought him home.

          Nick, Sam’s four–year-old brother answered the doorbell. On entering his friend’s father, asked, “Is your mother home?”

            Nick answered, “She’s going poop.”

            Jenny heard Nick from the bathroom and was mortified. As a result, she stayed in the bathroom until she was sure he left. On coming out, she saw him still standing in the foyer. She was so embarrassed she couldn’t look him in the eye. Sensing her embarrassment and trying to comfort her, he said, “You know what? I’ve got a book at home called, Everybody Poops.

A Nickel’s Worth

In the 1940s, when I was about five or six years old, my sister Mousie, being a nice person and loving her baby brother, wanted to trade me a dime for a nickel. She kept trying to convince me that the dime was worth more, but I still wouldn’t trade with her. In my young mind, I thought that if the nickel was bigger, it must be worth more. Even now, in my middle seventies, it still mystifies me why anyone would make the bigger coin worth less.

Schindler Sez

Blowhards catch foot-in-mouth disease.

Ted Terrific

          Ted Balestreri, the famous restaurateur, once said, “I was a very wealthy kid. May father left me in America, and he left me character. I figure that’s about as rich as you want to get.” Also, he said that his father left him the whole world to make a living in “so I wouldn’t be encumbered.”

With an attitude like that, it’s not surprising that Ted is not only a successful businessman, but more importantly, a successful human being.

            God Bless Ted and God Bless America

The Shove

 I can’t understand what all the fuss was about when Serena Williams, after being called for a foot fault in the U.S. Open tennis finals, threatened to shove the ball down the line judge’s (expletive deleted) throat. After all, most people in the same situation would have threatened to shove it somewhere else!

Words of Wisdom

When my son John was growing up, he was real quiet. One day, he must have been around nine years old; we were driving over to my brother Chico’s house. After about ten minutes of silence, I asked, “John, why don’t you ever say anything?”

He looked at me, paused, and then said, “I will when I have something so say.”

Accomplish the Impossible

One can accomplish the impossible, but only if one doesn’t know it’s impossible.

The Forgetter

When Joey read, “What did I forget?” on a Post-it note he wrote, he scratched his head and mumbled to himself, “Hell, I don’t know … I forgot!”

The Wrath of Grapes

             In the early 1930s, young Sim miraculously found himself in the middle of a neighbor’s grape arbor. While he was stuffing is face with the fruit of the vine, the unhappy owner spotted him and rang up his father.

            Finally, with a belly full of grapes, Sim headed home. As soon as he walked in the back door, his dad, in a stern voice asked, “Where were you?” He no sooner got the words out of his mouth when Sim threw up what seemed like a half a vineyard. More grapes than either one of them ever wanted to see.

            “Well, I guess you suffered enough,” his dad said with a twinkle in his eye, knowing full well that his son had learned a grapeful lesson.

A Heavenly Halloween

            Every Halloween, the staff at Bandido’s Mexican Restaurants wears costumes (limited only by their imagination), to the delight of the guests. On this particular festival of the dead, two Catholic priests, Father Jeff and Father Jim, came in for dinner and, lo and behold…guess who waited on them. A waitress dressed as a pregnant nun. As she walked up to greet them, she said, “Nice costumes, guys,” and then took their drink order.

            At the bar, when she was informed that the two gentlemen were priests and being Halloween, she was extremely horrified. Returning to the table, she kept her eyes lowered in shame as she set down their drinks and muttered, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

            To which Father Jeff answered, “You are forgiven, my child. Now for your penance, you may pay for our dinners,” which she did, making that hallow evening…heavenly, for the clever clerics.

Only the Government

Only the government would be stupid enough to pay $4500 for a car that’s only worth a hundred bucks.

The Notre Dame Fan

I had two kids who graduate from the University of Notre Dame, and sometimes I wonder why I’m still an ND fan. First, they’ve got all my money. Second, I didn’t go there and third, this year their football team sucks!

Wilbur’s Hope

Upon finishing installing shelves, drawers, etc., to organize our closets, Wilbur, a Southern lad with ears so huge that he looked like a taxi going down the road with both back doors open, stopped in the kitchen and explained that he had just finished the job.

“But,” he continued, I forgot the retractable valets (hangers). I’ll bring them over tomorrow and put’em up.”

“Just drop them off and I’ll install them.”

“Are you sure you know how?” he questioned.

“Hey, I’m not as dumb as I look,” I replied.

“Gosh, he said, staring intently at me and shaking his head hard enough to make his dumbo-sized ears wobble, “I sure hope not!”

Most Popular Guy

The most popular guy in the bar is the one who bought the last round.

Can He Overcome?

Even though I didn’t vote for Obama, I hope he has the mindset, wisdom, and courage, to do what is truly best for the country in these trying times. If so, he could become one of our greatest presidents.  For greatness is achieved by overcoming what supposedly are insurmountable obstacles.

Schindler Sez

If you can’t understand everything I write, don’t feel too bad, I’m not sure I do.

Back from the Front

Did you ever notice that when you go into the front of a church, you’re in the back? And the more up front you go, the farther back you are!

Wisdom

Never confuse education with wisdom. Education is a learning process by which one gains knowledge. Wisdom is the ability to use that knowledge, along with understanding, compassion and common sense, to make good decisions that are unencumbered by personal preferences and prejudice. Perhaps the inability to eliminate one’s feelings and intolerances from one’s judgments and conclusions is why there are so few truly wise men.

Just Maybe

A few years ago, I had just come home from work, and my kids, Rachel (5), Heidi (7), and Jimmie (8), ran up to meet me for their customary hugs and kisses. The children then followed me into the house and the bathroom. I noticed that one side of the curtain, rod and all, had been pulled out of the wall. The window was small and high, and on the floor, beneath it was a hot water baseboard heater. It was apparent that one of the kids had stood on the heater, grabbed the curtain to pull him or herself up so he or she could look out the window, and tore the rod out of the wall.

Now I must explain that being the monster that I am, I told the kids as they were growing up that if I ever caught them lying or stealing, they would, without a doubt, get a spanking and that I would never spank them if they told the truth. So I turned and looked at all three of them standing there and said, “Who pulled the curtain down? Jimmie, did you do it?”

He shook his head and said, “I didn’t do it.”

“Heidi, did you do it?” Same reaction and also, “I didn’t do it.”

Rachel stood there, with a guilty-as-sin look on her face, as I turned to her and asked, “Did you do it?” She looked me right in the eye and said, as she put her hands on her hips and her weight on one foot, “Maybe I did [then she shifted her weight to the other foot], and maybe I didn’t.”

I don’t care if I age …

but I refuse to get old!

The One Who Pays

Never co-sign a note. The reason someone needs a co-signer is that their credit is so bad they can’t get a loan from the bank or from anywhere else. Even their family and friends have, in all probability, turned them down. Somewhere around eighty percent, if not more, of all co-signers get stuck paying off the note. Man … how I wished I had followed my own advice!

Definition: Cosigner: the one who pays!

Damn Pessimist

When I was visiting my 92-year-old friend, Bob Cook, I asked him if he had any relatives who lived longer than him. “Yeah,” he answered, “I had an uncle who lived to be ninety-six, my sister lived to be ninety-eight, and one of my aunts lived to be a hundred and three.”

“Sounds to me like you’re going to be around another ten years.”

Glancing at me with a sly grin on his face, he mumbled, “Damn pessimist!”

Marriage

If marriages are made in heaven, why do so many turn out to be pure hell?

Cato

It is a great shame for a man to have a poor heart and a rich purse.

The Fools

We all know there are more fools than wise men. That’s why the advice offered by the multitudes, where the numbers mean more than the wisdom, fools will always have the upper hand.

Hmmm

What tune does a humming bird hum?

Sue the SOB

Saturday, I stopped at one of my restaurants, Bandido’s, to pick up some chips and salsa to take to the lake. I also got a cup of coffee to go. With the chips and salsa in one hand, the coffee and car keys in the other, I tried to open the car door and spilled the hot coffee all over myself. This made me wonder: Could I sue me?

Without a doubt, if I would have called one of those sleazy, electronic, ambulance-chasing lawyers that advertise on TV, he would probably have said, “Lets sue the SOB. It’s his fault!”

So I guess that verifies it, I can sue me!

Sick of Working

A lot of people who call in to work sick are sick…sick of working!

West Nile

Wouldn’t it be nice if those darn mosquitoes that spread the West Nile virus went back to the Nile? It might give us some relief and the Muslims something else to think about instead of fighting and killing each other.

Slavery

America’s biggest mistake.

A Has-been

It’s better to be a “has-been,” than a “never was.”

Old West Proverb

Enlightening

I knew a guy who was so religious that when he read the passage, “Let there be light,” he got lit!

The American Depository

If all the McDonalds in the United States closed, there would be a national emergency. Not because we couldn’t find a place to eat, but where would we go to the bathroom? I can only surmise that there have been more deposits made at Mickey D’s than at the Bank of America! 

Schindler Sez

If you have an Irishman for a friend, you’ll always have a drinking companion.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I never remember feeling tired by work, though idleness exhausts me completely.

The Greatest Artist

Whenever I see a harvest moon, a field of wild flowers, a sky full of cottony clouds, a snowflake, a rainbow, autumn foliage, snowcapped mountains, or sunbeams shining through the clouds warming the earth with its brilliance, it’s obvious that Mother Nature is, without a doubt, the world’s greatest artist.

The Biggest Loser?

I just read Notre Dame paid their ex-football coach, Charlie Weis, one of the worst, if not the worst, coach in the history of their program, (35 losses~27wins), a termination fee of $6,638,403. Now tell me folks, who in the heck is the biggest loser, Charlie, or the person responsible for this fiasco? Even though his record speaks for itself, Charlie, who is obviously a loser, at least financially speaking, is a winner. Now, if the person responsible for this debacle would please step forward, we’d like to award you a big “L” to put on your forehead. You’ve earned it!

Schindler Sez

Folks, I have good news and bad news. Since the world didn’t end last Saturday, as some naysayer predicted, I guess you’re still stuck with me. Sorry about your luck.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry, and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear an opened neck shirt or a turtle neck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife said, “Aren’t you going to wear a tie?”
“No.”
“But everyone else will be wearing one,” she insisted.
“You’re probably right,” I replied, “but they’ll be jealous of tieless Jim.
At the outdoor reception, it was uncomfortably hot. When my wife, spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled, and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn’t have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, “God, I wish I had the guts to do that.”
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

Schindler Sez

He who relies on luck to get ahead will be behind when his luck runs out.

The Haters

Ninety percent of all women haters…are women!

Afraid

There was a big bully from Feif,
Whose bullying was a source of much strife.
He feared not a man,
Including Uncle Sam,
His only fear was of his wife.

No More Tricks

At our recent class of 52’ get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
“Are you going to do any more tricks?” Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
“No,” Carl replied. “The first one didn’t go over too good!”

Schindler Sez

Why can’t I remember what I forgot?

I’m Stick’n to it!

Did you know the Earth gets heavier every day due to falling space dust? That’s my excuse!

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did it mean he was a lousy catch or she was?

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down at the bar. “Kim,” I yelled at the bartender, “throw me a towel. This table needs to be wiped off.”
"I’ll get it,” she said from behind the bar.
“Just throw me the towel. I’m a pretty good wiper, and I can prove it.
“You can?”
“Yeah, my briefs are spotless.”

Schindler Sez

Over time, truth triumphs!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. I assume they’re either stupid, inconsiderate, texting or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a masouse?
-Bob Cook

The Wet Bike

Three year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet. “What happened?” he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, “Bike went potty.”

Schindler Sez

What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
“Why do they call it Cyber Monday?” I asked.
“It’s the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the internet.”
“Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?”
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cybersex and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?” I again asked. We then asked Mike, his partner, and he didn’t know. That’s strange; I thought to myself. Most barbers think they’re experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, “I don’t know,” puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by-the-way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That’s according to Dan “the Man,” Webster.

No Pew

I went to a service at a new church today, and it didn’t have the traditional style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners don’t want to sit in their pew?

Schindler Sez

It’s not the size of one’s head that counts…it’s what’s in it.

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area…I’m not tired.

The Bread Man

 It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn’t the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with. 

If I had a hundred dollars and saved some more money, wouldn’t I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn’t I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means to sell the gullible a bill of goods while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I’d save so much dough; they’d call me the bread man!

Schindler Sez

If I learned from all my mistakes…I’d be pretty damn smart!

Lent

To Mass on Sunday he went.
To pray for his sins and repent.
When he caught her eye,
As she slowly walked by,
He didn’t repent until Lent,

Mother’s Day

On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren’t for ma,
You wouldn’t be here!

Twits?

Are those who tweet on twitter…twits?

Gina

After talking to Gina, our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, “Gina are you Italian?”
“No, I’m three-quarters Indian.”
“Indian? Like American Indian?”
“Yeah.”
“Do they still wear loin cloths?” I jokingly asked.
“Sure, they have nothing to hide.”

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe.
If you don’t stick your neck out, you’re not going to get anywhere.

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded…but tender hearted.
-An olde saying

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we’re old?

iPads

Are iPads sanitary?

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)
Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa’s panties, she walked into the kitchen.
“Look at these,” Matt said, holding her panties up, “these suckers could sail a ship.” Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt’s house for many a day.

Schindler Sez

A wound from a cutting remark…never heals.

The Chair

He recently asked me to be,
On the board of the electric company.
I replied, “Thank you sir,
But I shall politely defer,”
Cause the straps on that chair might fit me.

Schindler Sez

Even a fish wouldn’t get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!

A Huge Celebration

If “April Fool’s Day,” was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating! Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I’m following a huge four-wheel drive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail’s pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, is was a four-wheel drive SUV. This got me wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they’d probably call their mommies!

Change

I know I’m getting older but thank God at my age I don’t have to change…but that depends.

A Great Day

I went to the hospital to see my old friend Bob Cook, who had a serious heart problem and was in the coronary care unit. “Bob,” I said, “how ya’ feeling?”
“Oh, I feel pretty good now, but yesterday I had a great day.”
“You did?”
"Yeah, Tom Sefton, my undertaker, came up for a visit and he left without me!”

Just and Reasonable

An airline’s main business is transporting people from one location to another. Anyone with a brain knows this is accomplished by selling seats. Consequently, if a person, for whatever reason, needs two seats, why shouldn’t he/she pay for them? If one requires more than one seat, how can that be prejudice if they have to pay for what they use? After all, isn’t it just and reasonable to conclude that…if you use it…you must pay for it? Finally, if they don’t pay for the seats, other passengers will eventually be charged more to make up for the lost revenue, and that is neither just nor reasonable!

Schindler Sez

At least 90 percent of all convicts are innocent. If you don’t believe me…ask them!

Why?

If you’ve got minimum skills, minimum education and make a minimum contribution to the workplace and society, why in the hell should someone be forced to pay you more than the minimum?
~Anonymous

An Idiotic Question

If every village only has one, how can there be so many on the highways?

Next To

Whenever someone asks Lary for directions, he replies, “Don’t give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it’s close to, and I’ll get you there.”

Nuuuns!!!...Nuuuns!!!

My son, John was five in the summer of 1970, and one of his favorite TV programs was “The Flying Nun.” One sunny day, as he was sitting on the porch at our house on Second St. in Decatur, two nuns from St. Joseph’s Catholic School (they still dressed in the full length black habits back then) came walking by. As soon as John spotted them, he jumped off the porch and ran after them shouting, “Nuuuns…nuuuns!” They turned around, saw this little boy coming lickety-split towards them and waited for him to catch up. As soon as he did, he looked up at them and excitedly shouted, “Can you fly?”

Schindler Sez

If you don’t try…nothing happens!

Benjamin Franklin

“A full belly makes a dull brain.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Hugging Aunt Kathryn

Ninety-five year old, Aunt Kathryn, was in St. Joseph’s Hospital, recovering from a hip operation. She was in extreme pain and a little confused and disorientated from all the medication, when my wife, Fry, and I walked into her room. Lynn, her niece, told us she wasn’t feeling to good, and it would probably be better if we kept our visit short.
After Fry had talked to her for a little while, Aunt Kathryn asked me, “Would your wife be upset if you gave me a hug?”
“No, Aunt Kathyrn, I’d be glad to give you a hug,” which I was more than happy to do.
After leaving the hospital, I said to my wife, “It isn’t everyday a ninety-five year old lady asks me for a hug.”
“Yeah,” Fry replied, “You’ve still got it honey!”

Schindler Sez

If you can’t stop…don’t start!

Money Can Buy Happiness

Conventional wisdom says, “Money can’t buy happiness.” But wouldn’t you be a lot happier if you didn’t have to worry about the wolf being at the door? In other words, if you had enough money to pay your bills, send the kids to college, take an annual vacation and have money put away for your retirement?
In a nutshell: conventional wisdom is not always wisdom.

They Can’t Handle Bars

I rode my bike to high school in Decatur, a small Indiana town in early 1950s. Not too many guys had cars. But there were a couple of kids who drove brand new cherry red convertibles and those guys always seemed to get the prettiest girls. This taught me a valuable lesson. Pretty girls don’t like to ride on handlebars!

Cramming

Lisa’s dad, Lyman, retired and is now living the good life in Florida. “I always wondered why so many older folks go to church on Sunday,” he said, “and I finally figured it out.”
“Why?” Lisa wanted to know.
“Shucks, they’re just cramming for the finals!”

Schindler Sez

A lot of people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you really want to hear…and that’s “the truth!”

Four Boxes

The four boxes that keep us free.
The soap box,
The ballot box,
The jury box,
And the cartridge box.
~Anon

Adam blamed Eve…

Adam blamed Eve…Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
A church sign.

Monkeying Around

Arthur was having dinner with his twenty-three-year-old daughter, when the subject of AIDS came up.
“Where did AIDS come from?” she asked dad.
“I heard it come from monkeys.” he answered.
“But, how did the monkeys get it?”
“Probably from monkeying around!”

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financial guru who bilked his friends and clients out of billions of dollars, is now in the slammer for life because he madoff with their money.

Schindler Sez

(When Evan Bayh lost his senatorial race I couldn’t help myself)
Bye Bayh

The Ringer

My wife and I stopped in at Deer Park, Tony Henry’s cozy pub for a beer. After a raucous welcome, he introduced us to the other patrons sitting at the table. “This is Jimmie Schindler and his wife, Fry. “Jimmie, rings the bells at St. Peter’s before mass. Nobody can ring it like him. He’s a real ringer.”
“Tony,” I said, “I don’t care what you call me, as long as it’s not a “dead ringer.”

Lying Eyes

Sometimes, when I go into one of my Bandido’s Mexican Restaurants and see something that isn’t the way it’s supposed to be and the manager or employee says, “I don’t know what happened;  it’s never like that,” I tell them this story.

There was once a man making love to his girlfriend when his wife walked in. As soon as he saw her, he jumped out of bed, ran up to her and said, “Honey, are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?”

Schindler Sez

Do you think a little oinkment would help those who have swine flu?
(Sorry folks, I just couldn’t help myself).