Just Maybe

A few years ago, I had just come home from work, and my kids--Rachel (5), Heidi (7), and Jimmie (8), --ran up to meet me for their customary hugs and kisses. The children then followed me into the house and into the bathroom. I noticed that one side of the curtain, rod and all, had been pulled out of the wall. The window was small and high, and on the floor beneath it was a hot water baseboard heater.
It was apparent that one of the kids had stood on the heater and grabbed the curtain to pull him or herself up so he or she could see out the window, and had torn the rod out of the wall.
Now I must explain that, being the monster that I am, I told the kids as they were growing up that if I ever caught them lying or stealing, they would get a spankin' and that I would never spank them if they told the truth. So I turned and looked at all three of them standing there and said, "Who pulled the curtain down? Jimmie, did you do it?" He shook his head and said,"I didn't do it."
"Heidi, did you do it?" Same reaction and also, "I didn't do it."
Rachel stood there, with this guilty-as-sin look on her face, as I turned to her and asked, "Did you do it?" She looked me right in the eye and said, as she put her hands on her hips and her weight on one foot, "Maybe I did [she then shifted her weight to the other foot] and maybe I didn't!"

Schindler Sez
I don't care how much I age...as long as I don't get old!

The One Who Pays

Never co-sign a note. The reason someone needs a co-signer is because their credit is so bad they can't get a loan from the bank or from anyone else for that matter. Even their own family and friends have, in all probability, turned them down. Somewhere around 80 percent, if not more, of all co-signers get stuck paying off the note. Man...how I wished I had followed my own advice.
Definition. Cosigner: the one who pays.

Damn Pessimist

When I was visiting my 92-year old friend, Bob Cook, I asked him if he had any relatives that lived longer than him. "Yeah," he answered, "I had an uncle who lived to be 96, my sister lived to be 98, and one of my aunts lived to be a 103."
"Sounds to me like you're going to be around another 10 years."
Glancing at me with a sly grin on his face, he mumbled, "Damn pessimist!"

Schindler Sez

If marriages are made in heaven, why do so many turn out to be pure hell?

Stepping Up

If some folks did a better job of stepping up, they wouldn't have to step down!

The Real Meaning

When someone says they can't, what they generally mean is ...they don't want to!

Jenny Stiegmeyer

Running Nose

In my youth, I probably spent more time at Blackstone's Bar than I should have. One day, as I was sitting at that bar with my brother, Chico, having a brew, I said, "I can't shake this damn cold. I've had it for a month and my nose won't quit running."
Chico glanced at me and then nonchalantly said, "It's big enough. It ought to have legs!"

Sue the SOB

Saturday, I stopped by one of my restaurants, Bandido's, to pick upsome chips and salsa to take to the lake. I also got a cup of coffee to go. With the chips and salsa in one hand, and the coffee and car keys in the other, I tried to open the car door and spilled the hot coffee all over myself. This made me wonder: Could I sue me?
Without a doubt, if I would have called one of those sleazy, electronic, ambulance-chasing lawyers that advertise on TV, he would probably said, "Lets sue the SOB. It's his fault." So I guess that verifies it. I can sue me!

Hmmmmmm
What tune does a humming bird hum?

Schindler Sez

A lot of people who call in to work sick are sick...sick of working!

A Has Been
It's better to be a "has been," than a never was.

Old Western Proverb

Enlightening

I knew a guy who was s religious that when he read the passage, "Let there be light," he got lit!

Drinking Buddy

If you have an Irishman for a friend, you'll always have someone to drink with.

The American Depository

If all the McDonald's in the United States closed, there would be a national emergency. Not because we couldn't find a place to eat, but where would we go to the bathroom? I can only surmise that there have been more deposits made at Mickey D's than at the Bank of America.

Second Rate

The United States owes Japan, China, and the oil exporting countries, well over a trillion dollars. At the current rate of deficit spending, in no time at all, we will no longer be the wealthiest country in the world. History has demonstrated that the most powerful countries were, without exception, the richest. A few examples of the rich and powerful were Egypt, Greece, Rome, Great Britain and of course the United States.
However, if our government continues spending billions and trillions bailing out companies that made bad decisions based on greed and/or stupidity, along with people who bought houses they couldn't afford, we will sooner or later, bankrupt the country and as a result, the United Stated will undoubtedly become a second rate nation.

Schindler Sez

When men argue with their wives, they are never right...even when they are!