February 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
Bye Bayh!

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financial guru who bilked his friends and clients out of billions of dollars is now in the slammer for life, because he madoff with their money.

Monkeying Around

Arthur was having dinner with his 23-year-old daughter, when the subject of AIDS came up.
"Where did AIDS come from:" she asked dad.
"I heard it came from monkeys," he answered.
"But, how did monkeys get it?"
"Probably from monkeying around!"

February 13, 2010

Schindler Sez

A lot of people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you really want to hear...and that's "the truth."

Cramming

Lisa's dad, Lyman, retired and is now living the good life in Flordia. "I always wondered why so many older folks go to church on Sunday," he said, "and I finally figured it out."
"Why?" Lisa wanted to know.
"Shucks, they're just cramming for the finals!"

They Can't Handle Bars

When I went to high school in Decatur, a small Indiana town in the early 1950s, not too many guys had cars. But there were a couple of kids who drove brand new cherry red convertibles and those guys always seemed to get the prettiest girls. This taught me a valuable lesson. Pretty girls don't like to ride on handlebars!

February 6, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you can't stop...don't start!

Hugging Aunt Kathryn

Ninety-five-year-old Aunt Kathryn was in St. Joseph's Hospital, recovering from a hip operation. She was in extreme pain and a little confused and disorientated from all the medication, when my wife, Fry, and I walked into her room. Lynn, her niece, told us she wasn't feeling too good and it would probably be better if we kept our visit short.
After Fry talked to her for a little while, Aunt Kathrytn asked me, "Would your wife be upset if you gave me a hug?"
"No, Aunt Kathyrn, I'd be glad to give you a hug."
After leaving the hospital, I said to my wife, "It isn't every day a 95-year-old-lady ask me for a hug."
"Yeah," Fry replied, "You've still got it, honey!"

Good To Know

"A full belly makes a dull brain."

--Benjamin Franklin

January 30, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't try...nothing happens!

Nuuuns!!! Nuuuns!!!

My son, John was five in the summer of 1970, and one of his favorite TV programs was "The Flying Nun." One sunny day, as he was sitting on the porch at our house on Second St. in Decatur, two nuns from St. Joseph's Catholic School (they still dressed in the full-length habits back then) came walking by.
As soon as John spotted them, he jumped off the porch and ran after them shouting, "Nuuuns...nuuuns!" They turned around, saw this little boy coming lickety-split towards them, and waited for him to catch up. As soon as he did, he looked up at them and excitedly shouted, "Can you fly?"

Next To

Whenever some one asks Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to, and I'll get you there."

An Idiotic Question

If every village has only one, how can there be so many on the highways?

January 23, 2010

Schindler Sez

At least 90 percent of all convicts are innocent. If you don't believe me...ask them!

Just and Reasonable

An airline's main business is transporting people from one location to another. Anyone with a brain knows this is accomplished by selling seats. Consequently, if a person, for whatever reason, needs two seats, why shouldn't he/she pay for them? If one requires more than one seat, how can that be prejudice if they have to pay for what they use? After all, isn't it just and reasonable to conclude that...if your use it, you must pay for it? Finally, if they don't pay for the seats they use, other passengers will eventually be charged more to make up for the lost revenue and that is neither just nor reasonable.

A Great Day

I went to the hospital to see my old friend Bob Cook, who had a serious heart problem and was in the coronary care unit. "Bob," I said, "how ya' feeling?"
"Oh, I feel pretty good now, but yesterday I had a great day."
"You did?"
"Yeah, Tom Sefton, my undertaker, came up for a visit and he left without me!"

Schindler Sez

Do you think a little oinkment would help those who have swine flu?

Grandpa's Lessons

Every Saturday, Grandpa Tom would take his granddaughter to lunch. He would also have a special treat for her, like taking her to a movie or going to the zoo. One particular Saturday, grandpa wasn't feeling up to par, so grandma filled in. When they came home grandpa asked the apple of his eye if she had a good time."We really had fun." the granddaughter answered, "and we never saw one son-of-a-bitch or horses' ass!"

Lying Eyes

Sometimes, when I go into one of my Bandido's Mexican Restaurants and see something that isn't the way it's supposed to be and the manager or employee says, "I don't know what happened; it's never like that," I tell them this story.
There was once a man making love to his girlfriend when his wife walked in. As soon as he saw her, he jumped out of bed, ran up to her and said, "Honey, are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"

January 9, 2010

Schindler Sez

If everyone was the same...life would be pretty damn boring.