Just Maybe

A few years ago, I had just come home from work, and my kids, Rachel (5), Heidi (7), and Jimmie (8), ran up to meet me for their customary hugs and kisses. The children then followed me into the house and the bathroom. I noticed that one side of the curtain, rod and all, had been pulled out of the wall. The window was small and high, and on the floor, beneath it was a hot water baseboard heater. It was apparent that one of the kids had stood on the heater, grabbed the curtain to pull him or herself up so he or she could look out the window, and tore the rod out of the wall.

Now I must explain that being the monster that I am, I told the kids as they were growing up that if I ever caught them lying or stealing, they would, without a doubt, get a spanking and that I would never spank them if they told the truth. So I turned and looked at all three of them standing there and said, “Who pulled the curtain down? Jimmie, did you do it?”

He shook his head and said, “I didn’t do it.”

“Heidi, did you do it?” Same reaction and also, “I didn’t do it.”

Rachel stood there, with a guilty-as-sin look on her face, as I turned to her and asked, “Did you do it?” She looked me right in the eye and said, as she put her hands on her hips and her weight on one foot, “Maybe I did [then she shifted her weight to the other foot], and maybe I didn’t.”

I don’t care if I age …

but I refuse to get old!

The One Who Pays

Never co-sign a note. The reason someone needs a co-signer is that their credit is so bad they can’t get a loan from the bank or from anywhere else. Even their family and friends have, in all probability, turned them down. Somewhere around eighty percent, if not more, of all co-signers get stuck paying off the note. Man … how I wished I had followed my own advice!

Definition: Cosigner: the one who pays!

Damn Pessimist

When I was visiting my 92-year-old friend, Bob Cook, I asked him if he had any relatives who lived longer than him. “Yeah,” he answered, “I had an uncle who lived to be ninety-six, my sister lived to be ninety-eight, and one of my aunts lived to be a hundred and three.”

“Sounds to me like you’re going to be around another ten years.”

Glancing at me with a sly grin on his face, he mumbled, “Damn pessimist!”

Marriage

If marriages are made in heaven, why do so many turn out to be pure hell?

Cato

It is a great shame for a man to have a poor heart and a rich purse.

The Fools

We all know there are more fools than wise men. That’s why the advice offered by the multitudes, where the numbers mean more than the wisdom, fools will always have the upper hand.

Hmmm

What tune does a humming bird hum?

Sue the SOB

Saturday, I stopped at one of my restaurants, Bandido’s, to pick up some chips and salsa to take to the lake. I also got a cup of coffee to go. With the chips and salsa in one hand, the coffee and car keys in the other, I tried to open the car door and spilled the hot coffee all over myself. This made me wonder: Could I sue me?

Without a doubt, if I would have called one of those sleazy, electronic, ambulance-chasing lawyers that advertise on TV, he would probably have said, “Lets sue the SOB. It’s his fault!”

So I guess that verifies it, I can sue me!