February 2013

#193 Week of February 3, 2013

Schindler Sez

Don’t trip over your tongue.

                                                                                      

Not a Pretty Sight

Roger Moore, the debonair, former James Bond movie star, was being interviewed on a talk show, when Steve, said, “He doesn’t look too good.”

“None of us look as good as we used to,” I replied.

“That’s why our sight gets worse as we age…so we can’t see how bad we really look,” Char, his wife said, joining the conversation.

“I look better as I age,” Steve added, puffing up like a bullfrog in heat.

 “Steve, seriously,” I said, “have you looked in the mirror lately?”

The Cut Up

            If Leatherface, the villain in the movie, ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D,’ had my chainsaw, the movie wouldn’t have been near as scary or popular. First, unless Leatherface is a better man than I, he couldn’t have gotten the damn thing started. And secondly, it’s duller than a politician’s brain.

Gone

            I can’t figure out why my get up and go, has got up and gone…but my wife sure would like me to find it!

#194 Week of February 10, 2013

Schindler Sez

Have you ever seen a willow weep?

Under the Cover

On Valentine’s Day

Treat your lady sweet,

Send her some flowers,

And take her to eat.

Look in her eyes,

Tell her you love her,

Then in no time,

It’s under the cover.

Zap...Zap

Today at mass, Steve took a finger monkey from one of the neighbor kids sitting next to him, put it on his finger and began waving it at them, much to their delight. The only finger wave anyone ever gave me, if he did in church, God would have zapped him!

#195 Week of February 17, 2013

Schindler Sez

When a team plays not to lose instead of to win, it generally loses more than it wins.

They’ve Got Roots

One thing you can say about today’s blondes…they’ve got roots. But they’ll always grow black.

The Praying Mantis and the ACLU

At the intersection of Washington and Sycamore streets, in Kokomo, Indiana, stands a giant, (17 feet tall and 22 feet long), praying mantis. Many of the locals can’t figure out why she’s there, but as soon as the ACLU finds out, she probably won’t be there for long. After all, isn’t the ACLU against anyone or anything praying on public property? 

What the ACLU doesn’t realize, is there are probably more people against them, than against praying in public or anywhere else. So perhaps they’re the ones that ought to be banned. I would bet if a vote was held today on which to ban, the ACLU, or the “Praying Mantis,” the ACLU wouldn’t be bugging us anymore.

However, since that vote will never be taken, perhaps we should all pray for the “Mantis,” before she’s long gone.

#196 Week of February 24, 3013

Schindler Sez

If the violence and fights were outlawed from hockey…there wouldn’t be near as many hockey puckers around.

Road Apples

Recently I read an article in the paper, written by a man complaining about the road apples, (aka horse droppings), on the back roads of Monroe, Indiana. He wanted some sort of a regulation, which would require the Amish to outfit their horses with “catchers” or “baggers” for the horse poop to fall into. If that’s the worst of his worries, I have one piece of advice for that guy, “Bag it!”

Dear God,

            Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?

                        ~A concerned student

Dear Student,

            I’m no longer allowed in the schools.

                                                                        ~God