February 2013

#193 Week of February 3, 2013

Schindler Sez

Don’t trip over your tongue.

                                                                                      

Not a Pretty Sight

Roger Moore, the debonair, former James Bond movie star, was being interviewed on a talk show, when Steve, said, “He doesn’t look too good.”

“None of us look as good as we used to,” I replied.

“That’s why our sight gets worse as we age…so we can’t see how bad we really look,” Char, his wife said, joining the conversation.

“I look better as I age,” Steve added, puffing up like a bullfrog in heat.

 “Steve, seriously,” I said, “have you looked in the mirror lately?”

The Cut Up

            If Leatherface, the villain in the movie, ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D,’ had my chainsaw, the movie wouldn’t have been near as scary or popular. First, unless Leatherface is a better man than I, he couldn’t have gotten the damn thing started. And secondly, it’s duller than a politician’s brain.

Gone

            I can’t figure out why my get up and go, has got up and gone…but my wife sure would like me to find it!

#194 Week of February 10, 2013

Schindler Sez

Have you ever seen a willow weep?

Under the Cover

On Valentine’s Day

Treat your lady sweet,

Send her some flowers,

And take her to eat.

Look in her eyes,

Tell her you love her,

Then in no time,

It’s under the cover.

Zap...Zap

Today at mass, Steve took a finger monkey from one of the neighbor kids sitting next to him, put it on his finger and began waving it at them, much to their delight. The only finger wave anyone ever gave me, if he did in church, God would have zapped him!

#195 Week of February 17, 2013

Schindler Sez

When a team plays not to lose instead of to win, it generally loses more than it wins.

They’ve Got Roots

One thing you can say about today’s blondes…they’ve got roots. But they’ll always grow black.

The Praying Mantis and the ACLU

At the intersection of Washington and Sycamore streets, in Kokomo, Indiana, stands a giant, (17 feet tall and 22 feet long), praying mantis. Many of the locals can’t figure out why she’s there, but as soon as the ACLU finds out, she probably won’t be there for long. After all, isn’t the ACLU against anyone or anything praying on public property? 

What the ACLU doesn’t realize, is there are probably more people against them, than against praying in public or anywhere else. So perhaps they’re the ones that ought to be banned. I would bet if a vote was held today on which to ban, the ACLU, or the “Praying Mantis,” the ACLU wouldn’t be bugging us anymore.

However, since that vote will never be taken, perhaps we should all pray for the “Mantis,” before she’s long gone.

#196 Week of February 24, 3013

Schindler Sez

If the violence and fights were outlawed from hockey…there wouldn’t be near as many hockey puckers around.

Road Apples

Recently I read an article in the paper, written by a man complaining about the road apples, (aka horse droppings), on the back roads of Monroe, Indiana. He wanted some sort of a regulation, which would require the Amish to outfit their horses with “catchers” or “baggers” for the horse poop to fall into. If that’s the worst of his worries, I have one piece of advice for that guy, “Bag it!”

Dear God,

            Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?

                        ~A concerned student

Dear Student,

            I’m no longer allowed in the schools.

                                                                        ~God

January 2013

#189 Week of January 6, 2013

I’ve been asked several times if I write the poems in my columns. To those of you who think I’m not clever enough, sorry to disappoint you, but yes I do! However, from time to time, if I do include a poem by another author, such as “I never saw a Purple Cow, “by Gelett Burgess, I will definitely give them the credit they so richly deserve.

~Jim Schindler

Schindler Sez

You can’t sit around and wait for good things to happen…you got to get off your duff and make them happen.

Schindler’s Prophecy

On December twenty-first

The world will end,

According to the calendar,

 Of the ancient Mayan.

But that fateful day

Has come and gone,

And the prophets of doom.

Were embarrassingly wrong.

The world will end,

I say unto you,

It won’t be this year,

But in a million or two.

# 190 Week of January 13, 2013

Schindler Sez

The problem with getting a fat head… is your hat won’t fit anymore.

The Papal Pardon

            Paolo, the Pope’s personal butler, received a penance to be performed in the papal prison, for pilfering and peddling parts and pieces from the pope’s private papers, which painfully perplexed the Pontiff. But the purloiner was plenty pleased when the pope performed a papal pardon, which released him from the pontiff’s pen.

~Joe & Cathy Freistroffer

The Scratch

In a small study by some British psychologists, sixty-four percent of the participants scratched themselves while watching images of people scratching themselves. That’s a higher percentage than people yawning, when they see someone else yawn, (40 to 60%). To me, that’s not surprising. A yawn is just a yawn, but a good scratch, feels soooo good. Of course, how good depends on what you’re scratching.

Why Banks Fail

When you cut through all the bull crap, the primary reason banks fail is because of bad loans.

#191 Week of January 20, 2013

Schindler Sez

If you want to get along swimmingly…don’t swim upstream.

Moms Away!

            Recently, Phil and Marjorie lost their daughter, Laura, whose loves were Florida, Siesta Key, and the gulf. Shortly before her untimely demise, she asked that her remains be cremated and spread over the Gulf of Mexico, a few miles out from Siesta Key. As her children, Chris and Aaron, were flying high above the gulf, in accordance to her wishes, they turned the urn with their mother’s ashes upside down, and shouted, “Moms away!”

January in Hades

January is our coldest month,

To that I can attest.

But to those in the Netherworld,

It’s the month they love the best.

Grandpa’s Luck

            As Steve was getting his six-year-old grandson, Will, ready to go out, he said, “Grandpa, you sure are lucky.”

            “Why?” grandpa wanted to know.

            “Because you don’t have any hair to brush.”
 

#192 Week of January 27, 2012

Schindler Sez

            There’s a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth and isn’t it a darn shame a lot of folks still haven’t figured it out?  

Good Timing

            Miguel was about to board his flight when he politely stepped aside so an old lady, who seemed somewhat out of sorts, could pass through.    “Thank you,” she gratefully said. “You seem like such a nice man.”

            “You’re welcome,” he answered. “But, just relax; we’re all going to get there at the same time.”

The Working Woman

I hadn’t seen my friend Bruce for quite a while and during our conversation I asked him if he was still married.

“Sure,” he replied. “No reason to replace her…she’s still working.”

Why Romney Lost

            After Mitt Romney said, “When I’m elected, I will put Americans back to work,” almost half of the voters thought, “Screw that!