#215 Week of August 4, 2013

Schindler Sez (FB)
The best gifts are not always in the prettiest packages

Bitchy

Some mornings,

I wake up bitchy.

If I’m hungry,

And want something to eat.

Other mornings,

If I’m not hungry,

I get up quietly,

And let bitchy sleep.

                                                Jim Schindler

 “No Show Jones”

            Recently, one of the most famous country singers who ever lived, George, “No Show Jones,” passed away. He was notorious for not showing up for some of his concerts, hence the name, “No Show.” When he sooner or later, shows up at the pearly gates, God will probably say, “Welcome George, but sorry you can’t come in unless you sing a couple tunes. How about starting with, “He stopped loving her today?” Next, I’ll have Tammy come out and if you two sing “We’re gonna hold on,”…then you can come right on in and hold on; that way you’ll be a “No Show” in hades!

A Bunch

            I’m sure you’ve seen many kids, who think they’re cool, wear their pants down so low that most of the back of their underwear is showing. For some reason, I think that’s a bunch of crap.

#216 Week of August 11, 2013

Schindler Sez

The computer takes more blame for the operators’ mistakes than they do. I suppose it’s because, unlike the operator, the computer doesn’t have to listen to the complainers crap!

Lots

            Trudy, a very substantial woman and a waitress at a local bar/restaurant, said, “Some guy gave me the best compliment  ever last night.”

            “What was it?” I asked.

            “He said, “I sure do love a healthy lookin’ woman.”

            “Well,” I said, before I put my brain in gear, “He’d sure have lots to love.”

            She gave me a dirty look and like a duck waddled off.

            That quacked me up!

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

They couldn’t put him together again,

Cause Elmer had no glue back then.

~Jim Schindler

The Call

            I came home and checked my phone messages.

            The first message went something like this. “Hey Jimmie, this is Walt, (my attorney), you sure are hard to get ahold of. Are you still living, or are you dead? If you’re dead, you don’t have to call me back.”

I called him back, because I didn’t want him to think I went to hell!

#217 week of August 18, 2013

Schindler Sez

Happiness comes from within.

Today’s thought:

            “Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured…but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.”

            “And now, any of those who refuse, or are unable to prove they are citizens will receive free insurance, paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance because they are citizens.”

Ben Stein

            Any decision, rule, or law that defies logic and common sense, most people would consider moronic. Therefore, whoever made the above decisions must be morons.

Schindler Sez

August

August is the month of the year,

With little to celebrate.

Except for the fact I’m getting older

And just turned seventy-eight.

Some of you may think,

I’m just a dirty old geezer.

But thanks to my pretty little blue pill,

I’m still able to pleezer.

                                                                        Jim Schindler

What They Say

            I’m sure you’ve heard the expression; “You know what they say.” Well, what they say is not always accurate or true. It depends on who “they” are. Personally, I could never figure out who “they” are; but I think “they” are them. 

#218 Week of August 25, 2013

Schindler Sez

My wife loses a lot of things…until she finds them.

The Quiz

            I pulled into Mike’s to get my car washed and said to the attendant, “If you guess why I’m washing my car, I’ll give you ten bucks.”

            “Because it’s dirty.”

            “Nope.”

            “Because there’s bird poop on your roof.”

            “I didn’t know that, but nope.”

            “Because you wife made you.”

            “Nope.”

            “Okay, I give up.”

            “Because we need the rain.

Their Day

If Congress was to set aside a day in their honor…I would suggest April 1^st. Do you think I’m being too easy on them?

Fools Rush In…

             Why in the world would anyone want to get involved in a relationship that has about a 50/50 chance of failing; which if it did, could cost them half or more of their assets and possibly up to twenty years or more of other payments? In addition, there is a good chance that their ex-partner might possibly do their utmost to ruin their reputation and become a lifelong enemy.

            Is that why angels don’t marry?

#213 Week of July 7, 2013

Schindler Sez

A cutting remark never heals.

The Geese

At the crack of dawn,

On little Lake Cree,

Some noisy geese,

Kept awakening me.

I made some noise,

To scare them away,

But in spite their squawking,

They had nothing to say!

                                                            Jim Schindler

The Obvious

            Did you ever get the feeling that a lot of our congressmen vote for what’s good for them and not what’s best for the country and their constituents? Or am I the only one who can see the obvious?

Peace & Harmony

            Those who live by the “Golden Rule” and obey the “Ten Commandants,” will live in peace and harmony, not only with their God, but also with their fellow man.

The Beginning and the End

            Political correctness is just a means employed by those who want to suppress the truth. When it is forbidden to speak the truth that my friend is the beginning of the end of any free society.

#214 Week of July 14,

Schindler Sez

A kind word is never forgotten.

The Politician

            Did you hear that Smith & Wesson came out with a new gun? It’s called the “Politician.” It won’t work and you can’t fire it.

Lights Out

I had four beers,

When I jumped in the car.

Thought I’d just drive home,

 It’s not that far.

A block from my house,

Or thereabout,

He pulled me over and

Said, “Your tail lights out.”

                                                            Jim Schindler

The Quiet Place

            If the majority of congress would only learn this one lesson: It is better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt; the halls of congress would be a very quiet place.

            You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think about you if you realized how seldom they do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

#215 Week of July 21, 2013

Schindler Sez

            It appears as if the FBI hasn’t been able to dig any up the dirt on Jimmy Hoffa.

Fish Stories

I’ve heard many a fish story,

About the one that got away,

And it’s a mystery how,

It gets bigger every day.

I’ve been on some fishing trips,

And to this I must admit,

I’ve caught a few of decent size,

But never Moby Dick!

                                                Jim Schindler

Bar None

            The Indiana Excise Police arrested eighty minors in a raid at the Early Bird Bar, on the north side of Indianapolis. Vicious rumors have it that the name of the bar is going to be changed to the “Bar None,” which does seem more appropriate.

The Crossing

            We’ve all seen “Deer Crossing” signs along the road; but I’ve never seen a deer cross there. Maybe they’re afraid it’ll cost them a buck or a lot of doe.

The most dreaded words in the English language are:

            I’m from the IRS and I’m here to help you. Not necessarily because there is a problem with your returns, but because of their well-deserved reputation.

Fair words are as easy spoke as foul and bring good will instead of blows.

#208 Week of June 2, 3013

Schindler Sez

We are all entitled to our opinions…no matter how erroneous.

It’s Sore

            On visiting my doctor about a health issue I was having, he gave me a prescription for some pills. When I asked him what the side effects were, he told me they didn’t really have any, except that they might make me a little grouchy.

            A few days later I told my wife, Fry, “The only thing those darn pills are doing is making me grouchier than a bear with a sore butt...she agreed!

            I know what you’re thinking; do bears with sore butts really get grouchy?’ Yeah!  But only if they’re taking those damn pills!

Benghazi

            Benghazi, no problem; blame it on Bush. He got blamed for everything else and a lot of no knows believed every word!

The Last Step

            I don’t know if our school administrators realize this, but I think ISTEP has taken its last step!

#209 Week of June 9, 2013

Schindler Sez

Everyone loves a compliment…especially the ladies.

Dad

When I was a boy,

My dad was king,

He could do,

Almost anything.

Then in my teens,

It became otherwise.

I grew taller than him

And twice as wise.

But as I aged,

 Thru many a summer,

He either got smarter,

Or I got dumber.

The Monologues

            Recently, at the Arts United Center, here in Fort Wayne, “The Vagina Monologues,” were featured. Hell, I didn’t know they could talk!

#210 Week of June 16, 2013

Schindler Sez

Why do those who understand not what they say, say so much?

On a Roll

            Did you read about the team of students, at Purdue University, who won a $20,000 prize for creating a biodegradable fireworks casing out of corn that is lighter and less expensive than the products now on the market? Heck, on the farm, we had a unique use for corn cobs and never won a damn thing. Of course we saved a lot of money on toilet paper.

Arizona

June the 21^st was the,

First day of summer.

If I knew it’d be this hot,

I wouldn’t have come here.

The Dough

            The former Indiana Lake County Coroner, was convicted of taking more than $24,000 from the child support funds. His request to be released on bond was rejected by a federal judge. Could it be the judge is waiting for him to dig up the evidence?

#211 Week of June 23, 2013

Schindler Sez

Do polar bears really think they’re cool?

How Many Days

            I thought it was time someone put together an easy to understand rhyme, which tells how many days there are in each month. So I took the liberty of combining several old poems, which should make everyone an expert on the subject.

Thirty Days

Thirty Days Has September,

April, June, and November,

All the rest have thirty-one.

But from this we still must vary,

For twenty-eight has February.

Except for Leap Year…that’s the time,

When February has twenty-nine.

                                                            Jim Schindler

Listening

Listening is learning.

             

#212 Week of June 30, 2013

Schindler Sez

            If you’d buy only what you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less needs.

The Truth

Some ladies think

I’m a chauvinist pig,

From the stories

That I write.

But to tell the truth,

I love the ladies,

Especially at night!

Jim Schindler

The Woeful Majority

            Many folks think that if the majority is for it, it’s right. Not because it’s best or correct, but because the majority is for it.  Let me tell you, the majority is seldom, if ever right. If you don’t believe me, think of all of the elected officials who were put into office by the majority. Not to mention the laws they passed.  All a majority means is that either by hook or by crook, they got the most votes. Enough said!

The Sag

            Recently, I read about a French professor, Denis Rouillon, from  the University of Besancon, who claimed  he has measured 320 women’s breasts with and without bras and concluded that over time, wearing a bra might make the breasts sag more than not wearing one. Obviously, this guy doesn’t understand the law of gravity. Or perhaps it has pulled his brain down to new lows. Then again, maybe he just wants to do some more measurements. What a guy!