August 27, 2011

Schindler Sez
Home cooking is where many a man foolishly thinks his wife is.

Horned & Horny

What's the difference between a horned frog and a horny toad? Actually, a horny toad is not a toad at all, it's a horny lizard. That's why there are so many around.

Wise Words

"The trouble with socialism is, sooner or later, you will run out of other people's money."
~Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister, The United Kingdom

Profit

In business, profit is not a dirty word; it's the only word. Why? Because any business that doesn't make a profit...doesn't make it.

August 13, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything.

Cute

Minnesota Governor Pawlenty is geting all kinds of flack for saying congresswomen and presidential candidate, Michele Bachmann, has "sex appeal." Since when does freedom of speech mean you can't tell the truth? After all she is kind of cute!

Buddies

It's better to be a buddy than a no buddy.

~Somebody

No Work

Wilbur was driving through a construction site when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
"Do you know why I pulled you over? the officer asked.
"No, why?""Didn't you see that sign , Men Working, 45mph? I clocked you at 55.
"There were no men working back there," Wilbur argued.
"Yes there were," the officer countered.
"Take a look for yourself."
Turning around, the officer spotted six or eight men standing on the berm, kidding and joking around and not one doing a lick of work.
With a you got me look grin, he looked at Wilbur and said, "I guess you're right. Have a nice day."

August 6, 2011

Schindler Sez

Every time I say a bad word, I was my mouth out with a margarita!

The Assumption

In your dad-to-day dealings, if you assume very few people have common sense, you will seldom be disappointed.

The Proud Mom

The entire Freistroffer family was at a gala celebration party for Tom "Tremendous" Freistroffer's primary win, in his run for city council at-large. Talking to his mother, his brother, John, said, "Oh mom, aren't you proud of your son?"
"I sure am!"
"And Tom too?" John added.

July 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

Never let your emotions override your judgment. A hot head doesn't do any cool thinking!

If You Want to Avoid Criticism:
Say nothing,
Do nothing,
Be Nothing.

Robert Gates; Secretary of Defense

Laughless

"When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs," Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. "But when he tells someene else the same joke, he laughs like crazy," she went on grimacing and slamming her fist into her hand.
"Holly, if it would make you feel better, I'm laughing and you don't even have to bother telling me the joke!"

She Doesn't Agree

I was explaining something to Irene, my 89-year-old mother-in-law, and when I finished she said, "You're right. You're always right."
"I don't agree with that Irene and you daughter won't agree with it either.
"She's not always right"
"Well, I agree with that, but she won't."

July 23, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between a hotel and a motel is...a hotel can charge more.

The Guilt Trip

Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I used to keep tract of my daily appointments. Late this past December, when he still hadn't given me one, I sent him the follow email.
Mark, my second best friend in the entire world forgot me this year. I'm wounded! Even though I'm among the uncircumcised, each year you send me a day planner for Hanukkah. This year the only thing I got was the Bronx cheer. Woe is me. Maybe you didn't know my brother-in-law was Jewish. Salaam.
Sincerely,
Your forgotten friend,
Jim Schindler
Mark answered my email with a quick, I've got one for you.
Damn, I thought, laying the old Jewish mother's guilt trip on him really worked.

Wise Words
He wo throws dirt ... losses ground.
~Chinese Proverb

July 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The most beneficial force in the world is love.
The most destructive is hate.

Jesus' Underwear

The second grade class at St. Monica's Catholic Grade School just made their first communion. For a treat, the parish priest, Father Jeff, supplied milk and cookies.
On entering the classroom to congratulate the communicants, their teacher told Father Jeff the class would like to ask him a question.
"Who wants to ask me a question?" the good priest asked.
A young boy raised his hand.
"What's your question?"
"Why do they have a prayer about Jesus' underwear?"
"They don't."
"Yes they do."
"What prayer are you talking about?"
"Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of the loom...

Wise Words

When the people fear their government there is tyranny;
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.
~Thomas Jefferson

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday!

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble ... but I wouldn't bet on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class together at the Green Grog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweat shirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How abut this one, " Ann answered, as she lifted the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cups logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In one of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called and gave him "hell" for using the word.

July 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
Knowledge is priceless...Ignorance is free!

Boring

The ash borer infestation in Fort Wayne has killed hundreds of ash trees. As a result, the city is in the process of cutting down all the remaining ones. I really don't know, but I hear it's boring

The Exceptions

Harold Camping, the California preacher who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare the hell out of all the sinners, of which I hear there are quite a few! You and me exempted, of course.

Potholes

"Hey, Adam, how ya doing?"
"Pretty good. I've had more fun dodging potholes on my way to the doctors's office this morning than I've had since my first wife left.

The Jury's Out of it!

Way back when, the stupidest person in town was called the "Village Idiot." I used to think that every village had one, but I was wrong. Now they're on our juries!

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday.

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble...but don't count on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class get-to-gather at the Green Frog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweatshirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How about this one," Ann answered, as she lifted up the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cubs logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My Friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In on of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called him and gave him "hell" for using the word.

June 25,2011

Schindler Sez
What do tornadoes have against trailer parks?

A quote to remember on July 4th

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis

Prince Less

As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding, her husband, Steve, walked into the living room and said, "Why are you watching that stupid wedding?"
"Oh," Holly replied, "I just wanted to know what it was like to marry a prince."
Steve had to hold himself back, otherwise he would have crowned her!

Appropriate

This Independence Day week, I can't think of anything more appropriate than these two stanzas from Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
and I won't forget the men who died, Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up, next to you,
And defend her still today,
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

June 18, 2011

Schindler Sez

A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.

The Real Whopper

I overheard one lady say to another, "I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go."
Looking at her I thought to myself, lady if you worked it off, it must have been a whopper, because there's still plenty left!

The Bogeyman

If most golfers put as much time and effort into improving their circumstance as they do their handicap, they would never again have to worry about the financial bogeyman!

Not Hot

Nowadays, it seems to me that if you want to be cool, you must do four things. First, don't tuck your shirt in. Second, wear your pants down around your butt; third have a zillion tattoos and fourth, wear your hat sideways or backwards. Then, even though you might think you're cool...sure as hell won't be "Hot".

June 11, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own a donkey to kick ass!

Father's Day
On June 19th,
Don't forget dad,
If it wasn't for him,
You might have been bad.

Amber

When I asked the lay, who assisted my dentist today, what her name was, she said, "Amber."
"Amber," I repeated, "when you go home ask your husband what his favorite color is. If he doesn't say Amber...slap him."

The Smart Phone

"Dad," my son Jimmie, asked, "Why don't you get a smart phone?"
"Son," I replied, "I never buy anything that's smarter than me."

June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.