May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.

April 16, 2011

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe. If you don't stick your neck out, you're not going anywhere!

Gina

After talking to Gina our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, "Gina, are you Italian?"
"No, I'm three-quarters Indian."
"Indian? Like American Indian?"
"Yeah."
"Do they still wear loin cloths?" I jokingly asked.
"Sure, they have nothing to hide."

Twits
Are those who tweet on twitter ... twits?

Charlie's "Sheen" II

Charlie seems to have lost his sheen,
He's acting strange and a little mean.
But he doesn't care if he's the oddest,
He's got his millions and a sexy Goddess.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark ... never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen.
"Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up, "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house and the storm still hasn't passed.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark...never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen. "Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up. "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house for many a day.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom
Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 2, 2011

Schindler Sez
Even a fish wouldn't get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!!

A Huge Celebration

If April Fool's Day was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating. Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I'm following a huge four-wheel-dive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail's pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, it was a four-wheel-drive SUV. This got me to wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they'd probably call their mommies!

Charlie's "Sheen"
Charlie's sheen is not too bright,
It lost its glow that booze filled night.
But it put a smile upon his face
That you just can't get most any place.

March 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money can't buy happiness and happiness can't money. But, wouldn't we all be happier if we had a little more money?

Arthuritis

As you age, and the doctor can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you...that old rascal Arthuritis always gets the blame.

Light's On

This past week, we went to a wedding in Montgomery, Alabama, and stayed in a nice hotel. Our total bill for three days, not including meals, was $441.05.
As we drove past a nearby Motel 6 on the way home, I noticed they had a sign that read, "Rooms, $39,99." That got me thinking, "Gee, if we stayed at the Motel 6, our bill with tax, would have been a little over forty-five bucks a night, for a grand total of $135. This meant that I would still have $286.05 in my pocket. Besides that, they would have left the light on for me!

Up?

If you put a drain in upside down, will it drain up?

March 19, 2001

Schindler Sez
The fruit of the vine...loosens the lips.

A Duck Groaner

While having lunch at Columbia Street Restaurant with my eight-eight-year-old mother-in-law, she mentioned they had duck burgers. "Duck burgers," I replied, "eating duck makes me laugh."
"It does?"
"Yeah, it quacks me up"

Slinkies
Some people are a lot like Slinkies. If you plush them down the stairs, it'll bring a smile to your face.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!

What's the dig deal about don't ask, don't tell? If you don't ask me, i won't tell. "But I know a lady who will tell, even if you don't ask.

No Joke

As we were driving during rush hour, we came upon a construction site ad immediately got into a traffic jam. "This is a joke," my wife said, somewhat irritated.
"If it's a joke," I replied, "Why ain't i laughing?"

March 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
A kind word is a joy forever.

Tanks

In gratitude for the Army's help in forcing Hosni Mubarak out of office, the people of Egypt say, "Tanks."

The Shack

I've seen a lot of shacks in my time, but none of them could play basketball.

Not Work

If you can't wait to get up in the morning and go to work, you don't work. Because when you do what you truly love to do...it's not work.

I Like You

Phil, a scrawny, nerdy-looking, young lawyer, just graduated from law school. His first client was a huge man with a rap sheet as long as your arm. While he was studying his client's lengthy record, the lawbreaker asked, "How long have you been lawyering?"
Phil glanced at him, hesitated for a moment to choose the right words and then answered, "Not as long as you've been breaking the law."
"Booooy...I like you!" the accused replied with a big smile, much to Phil's relief.

The Lost Marbles

The Indiana House members who fled to an Illinois hotel to avoid doing the job they were elected to do, reminds me of the kid who didn't think he could win, if he played by the rules, so he took his marbles and went home.
Could it be that the Indiana House members took off because they already lost theirs?

March 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between the shanty Irish and lace curtain Irish, is about $30,000 a year.

An Irish Cheer
Let's give the Irish a cheer,
For shamrocks, corn beef and green beer.
And to St. Patty I say,
Drive the snakes all away,
But please, leave the good people here.

O'Schindler

O'Connolly, McGuire and me,

In a pub, having a jar, just we three.

"Are you Irish?" they asked,

As they passed me the flask,

"I'm as Irish as O'Schindler can be!"

An Old Irish Tale

Did you hear the one about the Irishman who walked past a pub? It could happen!

An Ode to Saint Patrick

Lets honor Patrick the Saint,
In a way that we think is quaint.
With Bandido's fajitas and green Margaritas,
Cause Irish we certainty ain't

Happy St. Patrick's Day to O'Connolly, McGuire and Ye

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat Me Down

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at out airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be/ Body scans and pat-downs, or suicide bombers and blow ups? The choice is obvious!
FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2,996) than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2,350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started with an "F", he said "Flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for, "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat me down!

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at our airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be? Body scans and pat downs, or suicide bombers ad blow ups? The choice is obvious!

FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2996), than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started win an "F", he said "flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
When women's lib come in the door, chivalry flew out the window.

Confused by the Facts

I asked a radical environmentalist, aka tree hugger, "If there really is global warming, how do you explain the extremely cold winter we're now having?"
"Oh, that's part of the global warming process," she replied.
"Now let me get this straight, you maintain extreme cold is part of global warming, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Gee, I'm soooo dumb. I thought hot weather caused global warming and cold weather caused global cooling. But I guess I'm confused by the facts."

I'll Take Heads

God gave us tow ends, one to sit on and the other to think with. Your success depends on which one you use the most. Heads you win, tails you lose.
Anonymous

Be Cyber

I knew a lady who worked on a computer all day long and I must say, "She was a calculating wench." That's why I never sat be cyber.

February 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The more you love...the better you'll feel.

Love is Wonderful

Love is a wonderful thing, the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!

The Result
St. Valentine's Day is for lovers,
That's what the poets say,
But the result of their love'n
Is just nine months away.

She could use it!

When Brian walked into the house, his wife met him with, "You forgot today was Valentine's Day again, didn't you?"
"No," Brian lied, "I was going to get you a box of candy, but I figured you were sweet enough."
After her tirade, Brian thought, she's not really that sweet, I should have gotten that box of candy!"

Happy Birthday, Abe...wish you were here!

February 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you surround yourself with dumb asses, sooner or later you'll fit right in.

God Bless America

If our founding fathers didn't want prayers in the courthouse, the schoolhouse, or any other public place ... wouldn't they have banned them back then?
Personally, I don't give a damn what anyone else says, to me it's still one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. And I'll pray any damn place I please. God bless America!

Opinions

"Most opinions are worth about what you ay for them ... or less.

The Beautiful Snow
I like snow. Why? Because it's tough sledding without it!

WikiLeaks

Anyone who leaks as much as Wiki ... must have the peezles.

January 29, 2011

Schindler Sez

Everyone has a photographic memory, but not too many people get the picture.

Can you imagine a world with out men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

--Nicole Hollander

Can you imagine a world without women? No nagging and lots of beer, sports and merriment.

--Schindler

You Be The Judge

Have you noticed that the cheats, liars, murderers' and other lawbreakers are never sorry until they get caught" Which makes me wonder, are they really sorry, or are they just pretending to be, so they'll get a lighter sentence? Some of the sentences being handed out definitely show, that in a lot of cases, many judges can't tell the difference.

The Spigot

Now that I'm in my mid-70s and have finally reached middle age, sometimes, for no reason at all, my eyes will start watering and the tears pour down my cheeks. This really irritates me because I didn't turn the spigot on.