September 25, 2010

Schindler Sez
A gloomy day dampens the spirit.

The Miracle

This past Sunday at St. Peter's, attendance was rather sparse when Mass began. A minute or two later, my son, Jimmie, and his wife, Katie, came in and sat next to me. Whispering into Jimmie's ear, I said, "I just prayed to God to send over some more sinners because there's plenty of room, and in you walked"!

Entitlement

The only thing anyone is entitled to...is what they work for.

Pherd

Pherd, an elderly gentleman, was having a little difficulty walking. This Sunday he came to church using a cane.
"Pherd," I asked, "Does that cane make you able?"

September 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

If courtesy is contagious...a lot of people still haven't caught it!

Harry and the Manure

At least 50 years ago, someone told me the following story about President Harry (give em hell) Truman. I really don't know if it's true or not, but it's a damn good story. During a speech to a bunch of farmers, President Truman encouraged them to use plenty of manure to insure a good harvest. After using the term manure several times, the lady sitting next to his wife Bess, whispered in her ear. "Can't you get him to say fertilizer instead of manure?"
"Goodness gracious," Bess replied, "If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say manure."

The Fortunates

Fortunate is the man who makes more money than his wife can spend. Extremely fortunate is the woman who marries such a man.

September 11, 2010

Schindler Sez

Generally speaking, we don't hear the things we don't to hear.

The Fuzz

My old buddy, Joe Jauregui, and I went into the West End restaurant for lunch. When our waitress brought us our drinks, it looked like she was trying to pick something off the table.
"What are you doing,?" I asked.
"Oh, I'm just trying to pick some fuzz off the table."
"Good," I replied. "I hate fuzz...especially when it's in my navel."

Another Wives Tale

I's practically impossible to snore with your mouth closed. Could that be the reason so many wives tell their husbands to keep their mouths shut?

Wise Words
In the race for quality there is no finish line.
Greek Proverb

September 4, 2010

Schindler Sez

Thank God for computers. For without them, who would we blame our screw-ups on?

Close To

Whenever someone ask Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to and I'll get you there."

The Investor's Creed

When the stock market's up, he's a genius.
When the market's down, his broker's an idiot.

Ta-Ta's

There is a T-shirt business called Save The Ta-Ta's. I assume the owners thought the name, Ta-Ta's, would be titillating enough to get everyone's attention...especially the men's.

August 28, 2010

Schindler Sez

If a lot of folks could see their rear view, they wouldn't wear tight pants.

The Signs

While driving over to our son's house, I asked my wife, Fry, "Why do stop signs have eight sides when I only have two?"
Staring at me, with a you-can't-be-serious-look, she said, "That's about the stupidest thing you've ever said. It's like asking, why are railroad signs round, when your head's square?"
Hmmm, I thought, maybe that's why my hat won't fit!'

Beer & Happiness

"Beer is proof that God loves and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

It is

It is what it is, because it's not what it was. However, if it is what it was, it couldn't be what it is.

August 21, 2010

Schindler Sez

The unexpected always happens when you don't expect it.

The Ghost

I attended Catholic schools many many years ago, when I was a kid. Back then, our prayers always started with, "In the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen." A few years ago, the Holy Ghost was replaced by the Holy Spirit. I never could figure out why the church changed it. After all, don't you think the "Ghost" would scare the devil out of a lot more sinners than the "Spirit"?

Two Concerns

Most Politicians have two main concerns. The first is to get elected, or re-elected, and the second is to enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense. Why do you think they spend thousands, if not millions to get (re)elected?

The Happy Organ

The kidney must be the happiest organ in the body. After all, isn't it the only one that gets stoned?

August 14, 2010

Schindler Sez

The problem with being average is...it's so common!

The Unspoken Truth

One should always be able to speak the truth. However, nowadays a lot of folks are reluctant to do so if the truth is not considered politically correct. Suppressing the truth in favor of political correctness has been instrumental in spawning many despotic, socialistic, and fascist societies. And we all know what happened to them. Finally, what is oft-times considered "politically correct," is not always "correct."

A Wife's Duty

I think every housewife believes it's her duty to teach her husband humility. And if at first they don't succeed, as the old saying goes, "They try, try again!"

New Lows

Whenever one's hormones or testosterone affect one's thinking process...logic and common sink to new lows. Just ask me!

July 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
It looks like the Tiger isn't out of the Woods yet.

The Fun Party

Wouldn't the "Tea Party have a lot more fun if they changed their name to the "Long Island Ice Tea Party?" Why, even I'd join!

Partnership

When I was in the seventh grade an old farmer who lived next door gave me this advice. I can still recall it, even though at the time I didn't understand what he meant and I wondered why he was telling it to me. He said, "Son, always remember partnership is a poor ship to sail!" How I wish I had listened to that old man, because it could have saved me a lot of rough sailing!

Nine Months

When I was around 65 years old, I gave my wife my best sexy look and boastfully announced, "Were going to have one more kid."
Giving me her best you must be nuts look, she replied, "We are?"
"Yeah...nine months from tonight!"

August 7, 2010

Schindler Sez

When people start to slow down as they approach a green light fearing it'll turn red, they're usually right.

Only in California

Did you ever listen to the clueless people Jay Leno questions on the sidewalks of California? Obviously, they couldn't find the bathroom if they had the floor plan. And those suckers vote! Oh, my God...that's how she got elected!

A Generational Thing

Maybe it's just a generational thing (which usually means anyone over 50 is a clueless old fart), but whenever I get a new electronic device like a camera, TB, camcorder, or whatever, after studying the manual I'm still lucky if I can turn the damn thing on.
I know these devices are a lot more complex than they used to be, which obviously makes them much harder to operate. However, I'd be willing to wager that a good number of the special features are never used.
I'm sure if these electronic gadgets were simplified, and have just an on/off button, one to record, view, reverse, and delete, they'd sell a lot more of them. Not only to older folks, but also to quite a few younger people who are like me, technically challenged. Thank God, I have kids that can show me how those damn things work. Otherwise, technically speaking of course, I'd be an ignoramus!
Please...no comments from the peanut gallery.

July 24, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you're out of your league...don't play the game.

Squish

Since we've eradicated almost all of the wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other predators, just think how many raccoons, possums, skunks, and who knows what else we'd have, if it weren't for the greatest predator of them all...the automobile. And that's flat out the truth. Squish!

Holly's Sideburns

Holly just got a new hairdo, and for some reason the beautician pulled two strands of hair down along the front of her ears. When I first saw her,I thought they resembled Elvis' sideburns. So naturally, being an insensitive slob, I said, "Why the sideburns?"
That evening when she went home, she asked her husband, Steve, "Do you know what Jimmie said to me today when he saw my new hairdo?"
"No, what?" Steve answered. He said, "Why the sideburns?
"Well, " Steve replied, "I was wondering when you're going to shave."

July 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

Lary Knows Lary

"Lary," his friend, Pizzie, asked, "have you ever been married?"
"Nope," Lary answered, "I'm not that stable."

The Country Conception

One Sunday, in a small rural, Indiana town, Jerry dropped into his son Dave's house for a visit. After jawing for awhile, they decided to go get some more beer. Somewhere outside of town, on a dusty, remote, country road, Jerry pulled over and just sat there.
"Why did ya pull over her for, dad? Do you have to go?"
"No, son, I just wanted you to see where you were conceived. But don't tell your mother I showed ya."

More Wise Words

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have."

--Thomas Jefferson

July 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
Want rain? Wash your car.

The Addictions

Thirty-year-old, Bill was telling his friend Dan, "I was addicted to alcohol and if it wasn't for Alcoholic Anonymous; I'd probably still be one."
"I had an addiction once," Dan confessed.
"You did?"
"Yeah, I was addicted to sex...but my wife cured me!"

Wise Words

Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them later!

...most bad government results from too much government.
--Thomas Jefferson

July 3, 2010

Schindler Sez

I've been to San Francisco and , thank God I didn't leave my heart there because I wouldn't want people to think I'm a heartless old...well you get the idea.

You Cannot

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

--Abraham Lincoln

The Calves

Jimmie's mom said to her friend, Mary, "Look at his calves."
"Wow," her friend exclaimed, "they're huge! They look just like yours. But, I have to admit, they look a lot better on a guy!"

The Fourth

It's amazing how much a fifth will make the Fourth more fun.

June, 26, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't spend your way to prosperity!

Buttercup

Bill and Dave were remodeling Lisa's kitchen when she asked, "Bill, what's the name of your helper? I've never met him."
"Oh, we just call him Buttercup."
Later, when Lisa wanted to ask Dave something, called out Buttercup several time to get his attention. Finally, he turned around, looked at her, then the dog, and started back to work.
Lisa, a little red-faced from embarrassment, approached Bill with, "You don't really call him Buttercup, do you?"
Despite that embarrassing episode, to this very day, whenever Lisa runs into Dave she, good naturedly of course, call him Buttercup. But, if she really knew him, she wouldn't call him that, because he doesn't smell that sweet.

The Black Sheep
If you don't know who the black sheep of your family is...it's you!
-Craig Huse

June 19, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

As a Rule
As a rule a man's a fool.
When it's hot he wants it cool.
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not!
-Anonymous

Sit
Did you ever notice that when you were a kid, you were told to sit up, and now that you've grown up, you're told to sit down?" Or don't you give a sit?

The Lost Ping

I'm so dumb that years ago, when I played table tennis, I thought I was playing ping-pong. Oh well, as I aged, I guess I did lose a lot of ping in my pong.

June 12, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you want to see your worst picture, look at your driver's license.

The Author

My baptismal name is James Arthur Schindler. However, since I have written two books and am currently writing a couple of newspaper columns, my wife now calls me James Author. "But," she warned me, "don't let it go to your head, it's already fat enough!"

The Good Kisser

Even though his ratings sucked, NBC paid Conan O"Brien something like $32.5 million to leave, and Conan griped that NBC gave him the short end. I wish someone would mistreat me like that. If they did, instead of complaining, I'd kiss their derriere. And my wife says I'm a pretty good kisser, in case anyone wants to take me up on the offer and give me $32.5 million.

A Dark Condition

People who text while driving, are indubitably suffering from that rapidly growing condition called uppis.

June 5, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't try...nothing happens.

Before, During, or After?

As I was having breakfast with my old Decatur friends, Bob Cook, who will turn 90 this month; Sim Haines, who is 85; and Joe Jauregui, who is only 73, Sim mentioned that tonight a really good movie "Broken Trail," was going to be on TV. "It's four hours long, he went on, looking at Bob. "So you'd better take a nap."
"Before, during, or after?"Bob quipped with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin.

A German Fry

My wife's maiden name is Freistroffer, and her first name is Fry. It really is! But, I want you all to know she's not a French Fry, she's a German Fry.

Twice

"I made a mistake once."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I got married twice!"

May 29, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's always easy...when you know how!

The Thinker

A few years ago there was a popular slogan, "Think before you drink." So when a preacher ran into a young man who just stumbled out of a bar, he said, "Son, did you ever hear the slogan, "Think before you drink?"
"I am thinking," the young man answered slurring his words.
"You are?" questioned the preacher man.
"Yeah, I'm thinking about having one more...before I have another."

Not Another

I must admit that I enjoy life, like to kid around and am kind of a funny guy. So today, when my office manager, Holly, told a corny joke, my son, Jimmie, looked at me and said, "Dad, she's turning into you."
"Oh God," I replied, "I hope not. I couldn't stand another me!"

Definition

Uppis: what a person is suffering from when he goes around with his head uppis derriere.

May 22, 2010

Schindler Sez

I don't care what they say or write about me, as long as they spell my name right. And it doesn't start with Shi, even though that might suit some people to a "t".

You go, Uncle Milty!

There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Or, as Uncle Milty (Milton Berle) so wisely put it, "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

No Principals

One day, shortly after my sister-in-law, Mary Keefer, was appointed principal of Bishop Luers High School, I called her to congratulate her on her new position. "Mary," I said, "Congratulations! I didn't know you had any, and now you are one!"

I'm Here

Sometimes when I'm at a restaurant, the server will deliver the food, set it down, and say, "There you go."
I then reply, "Where do I go? I thought I was here!"

www.jamesaschindler.com

May 15, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't teach what you don't know!

The Lousy Excuse

We've all heard the excuse, "I don't have time," which really means I don't want to do it. But isn't it strange how people can always find the time to do the things they want to do?

Not So Fast Doc

About 10 years ago, my 13-year-old, Rachel went in for back surgery. A few minutes before she was to be wheeled into the operating room, Dr. Buchholz came in to explain the procedure to us. He told us what he was going to do, and then said that the surgery usually took about three hours. He also explained that since Dr. La Salle was going to assist him, he felt that he would be finished in about an hour and a half. Rachel was listening intently, but when he said that, she raised her head off the cart, looked at the good doctor and said, "Dont rush it!"

A Clean Ending

If all the paperwork in the world was put on highly absorbent sheets, two ends could be served!