Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)
Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa’s panties, she walked into the kitchen.
“Look at these,” Matt said, holding her panties up, “these suckers could sail a ship.” Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt’s house for many a day.

Schindler Sez

A wound from a cutting remark…never heals.

The Chair

He recently asked me to be,
On the board of the electric company.
I replied, “Thank you sir,
But I shall politely defer,”
Cause the straps on that chair might fit me.

Schindler Sez

Even a fish wouldn’t get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!

A Huge Celebration

If “April Fool’s Day,” was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating! Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I’m following a huge four-wheel drive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail’s pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, is was a four-wheel drive SUV. This got me wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they’d probably call their mommies!

Change

I know I’m getting older but thank God at my age I don’t have to change…but that depends.

A Great Day

I went to the hospital to see my old friend Bob Cook, who had a serious heart problem and was in the coronary care unit. “Bob,” I said, “how ya’ feeling?”
“Oh, I feel pretty good now, but yesterday I had a great day.”
“You did?”
"Yeah, Tom Sefton, my undertaker, came up for a visit and he left without me!”

Just and Reasonable

An airline’s main business is transporting people from one location to another. Anyone with a brain knows this is accomplished by selling seats. Consequently, if a person, for whatever reason, needs two seats, why shouldn’t he/she pay for them? If one requires more than one seat, how can that be prejudice if they have to pay for what they use? After all, isn’t it just and reasonable to conclude that…if you use it…you must pay for it? Finally, if they don’t pay for the seats, other passengers will eventually be charged more to make up for the lost revenue, and that is neither just nor reasonable!

Schindler Sez

At least 90 percent of all convicts are innocent. If you don’t believe me…ask them!

Why?

If you’ve got minimum skills, minimum education and make a minimum contribution to the workplace and society, why in the hell should someone be forced to pay you more than the minimum?
~Anonymous

An Idiotic Question

If every village only has one, how can there be so many on the highways?

Next To

Whenever someone asks Lary for directions, he replies, “Don’t give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it’s close to, and I’ll get you there.”

Nuuuns!!!...Nuuuns!!!

My son, John was five in the summer of 1970, and one of his favorite TV programs was “The Flying Nun.” One sunny day, as he was sitting on the porch at our house on Second St. in Decatur, two nuns from St. Joseph’s Catholic School (they still dressed in the full length black habits back then) came walking by. As soon as John spotted them, he jumped off the porch and ran after them shouting, “Nuuuns…nuuuns!” They turned around, saw this little boy coming lickety-split towards them and waited for him to catch up. As soon as he did, he looked up at them and excitedly shouted, “Can you fly?”

Schindler Sez

If you don’t try…nothing happens!

Benjamin Franklin

“A full belly makes a dull brain.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Hugging Aunt Kathryn

Ninety-five year old, Aunt Kathryn, was in St. Joseph’s Hospital, recovering from a hip operation. She was in extreme pain and a little confused and disorientated from all the medication, when my wife, Fry, and I walked into her room. Lynn, her niece, told us she wasn’t feeling to good, and it would probably be better if we kept our visit short.
After Fry had talked to her for a little while, Aunt Kathryn asked me, “Would your wife be upset if you gave me a hug?”
“No, Aunt Kathyrn, I’d be glad to give you a hug,” which I was more than happy to do.
After leaving the hospital, I said to my wife, “It isn’t everyday a ninety-five year old lady asks me for a hug.”
“Yeah,” Fry replied, “You’ve still got it honey!”

Schindler Sez

If you can’t stop…don’t start!

Money Can Buy Happiness

Conventional wisdom says, “Money can’t buy happiness.” But wouldn’t you be a lot happier if you didn’t have to worry about the wolf being at the door? In other words, if you had enough money to pay your bills, send the kids to college, take an annual vacation and have money put away for your retirement?
In a nutshell: conventional wisdom is not always wisdom.

They Can’t Handle Bars

I rode my bike to high school in Decatur, a small Indiana town in early 1950s. Not too many guys had cars. But there were a couple of kids who drove brand new cherry red convertibles and those guys always seemed to get the prettiest girls. This taught me a valuable lesson. Pretty girls don’t like to ride on handlebars!

Cramming

Lisa’s dad, Lyman, retired and is now living the good life in Florida. “I always wondered why so many older folks go to church on Sunday,” he said, “and I finally figured it out.”
“Why?” Lisa wanted to know.
“Shucks, they’re just cramming for the finals!”

Schindler Sez

A lot of people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you really want to hear…and that’s “the truth!”

Four Boxes

The four boxes that keep us free.
The soap box,
The ballot box,
The jury box,
And the cartridge box.
~Anon

Adam blamed Eve…

Adam blamed Eve…Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
A church sign.

Monkeying Around

Arthur was having dinner with his twenty-three-year-old daughter, when the subject of AIDS came up.
“Where did AIDS come from?” she asked dad.
“I heard it come from monkeys.” he answered.
“But, how did the monkeys get it?”
“Probably from monkeying around!”

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financial guru who bilked his friends and clients out of billions of dollars, is now in the slammer for life because he madoff with their money.

Schindler Sez

(When Evan Bayh lost his senatorial race I couldn’t help myself)
Bye Bayh

The Ringer

My wife and I stopped in at Deer Park, Tony Henry’s cozy pub for a beer. After a raucous welcome, he introduced us to the other patrons sitting at the table. “This is Jimmie Schindler and his wife, Fry. “Jimmie, rings the bells at St. Peter’s before mass. Nobody can ring it like him. He’s a real ringer.”
“Tony,” I said, “I don’t care what you call me, as long as it’s not a “dead ringer.”

Lying Eyes

Sometimes, when I go into one of my Bandido’s Mexican Restaurants and see something that isn’t the way it’s supposed to be and the manager or employee says, “I don’t know what happened;  it’s never like that,” I tell them this story.

There was once a man making love to his girlfriend when his wife walked in. As soon as he saw her, he jumped out of bed, ran up to her and said, “Honey, are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?”

Schindler Sez

Do you think a little oinkment would help those who have swine flu?
(Sorry folks, I just couldn’t help myself).

More than One

Many many years ago, when the world was comprised mostly of farms and small rural communities, the dumbest or goofiest person living in each town was referred to as “the village idiot,” It was commonly thought that every village had one.

Today, many folks believe that most communities have a lot more than one! What do you think? Or is that an idiotic question?

The St. Peter Principle

My years as an usher at St. Peter’s Catholic Church have taught me that if you’re late and the church seems packed there’s always room up front!

Judge Bobo

Judge Bobo, a deeply religious man who was well versed in the Bible, was aware that in the Old Testament, Joshua made the sun stand still.

Back during Prohibition, the good judge presided over a court in Decatur, Indiana, and one day a black man, by the name of Joshua, was hauled before him for bootlegging.

“Joshua,” the good-natured judge asked, “Are you the one who made the sun stand?”

“No sir, Mr. Judge, ah’s duh one dat made da moonshine!

Schindler Sez

The best thing about a suicide bomber is…he’ll never have the guts to do it again!

Help Needed

A friend once asked me, “Why do you go to church every Sunday?”

“Well,” I answered, “it’s a little bit like working out. When it’s over, I always feel better. Besides, I honestly believe that it helps me to be a better person and heaven knows I need all the help I can get?”

In Plain English

In the United States, a nation made up of people from every country, culture, and religion in the world, the English language is the common thread that holds us together.

de Seat

In the 1960’s, Ronald Reagan, who was then a movie star and spokesman for the General Electric Company, made a cameo appearance at the Decatur, Indiana, GE. Plant. During that visit, a brief respite was planned at one of the plant executive’s, Roger Schuster’s home.

The neighborhood ladies, anticipating Regan’s arrival, asked Roger’s wife, Irene, what she did to spiff her house up for his visit. “The only thing I did,” she replied, “was to buy a new toilet seat.”

Several years later, when the Schuster’s moved to another city, Irene removed the seat (which Ronnie used) and took it with her. I guess she just didn’t want to part with the memory of de seat! And that’s no crap!

Schindler Sez

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and are wise enough, not to say it!

Bad girls get the guys…

...but only if their good!

The Quiet Woman

Charlie’s mother died, and true to her wishes, he had her cremated. It was a beautiful Indiana summer day when he got a call from the mortuary that his mother’s ashes were ready to be picked up. So he stopped, claimed the urn with her remains and headed to the lake to spend the day.

About halfway there, Charlie looked over at his mother sitting on the front seat and said, “Mom, this is the first time that you ever rode to the lake with me without bitching about my driving.”

Legal

Sixty-three-year old Terry was starting to show his age. He had prostate cancer, the beginning of Parkinson’s disease, and several other maladies. “The problem with getting older,” he told my wife, Fry, “is that I have the whole counter full of drugs…and they’re all legal!”

Schindler Sez

A wise man keeps his wife happy!

Jeff

Jeff was diagnosed with throat cancer, and after extensive surgery and radiation, he was found to be cancer free. On a follow up visit a few months later, after a thorough examination, the good doctor exclaimed, “You’re doing great! No sign of cancer. Are you still smoking?”

“Yeah,” Jeff sheepishly answered.

“Cool,” the doctor responded, “let’s go into the garage and have one.”

Happiness

Happiness has nothing to do with where you are physically, but everything to do with where you are mentally!

No Drive

Prior to World War II, it was fairly common in many small Midwestern towns that a lot of families didn’t own cars and therefore, many folks never learned to drive.

After World War II started, in the early 1940s, Sim Hain, a small town boy from Decatur, Indiana, found himself flying one of the huge, four-engine B24 bombers on missions over theSouth Pacific. Sim flew forty-five missions and had more than a thousand hours of flying time. Consequently, he was a well-seasoned combat pilot.

One particular morning Sim was supposed to pick up the commanding officer (CO) and drive him to his office. After checking out a staff car from the motor pool, Sim showed up at the CO’s quarters with not only a car, but also a driver. When the CO asked him why he brought a driver along, Sim, a little red faced from embarrassment, explained, “Sir, I never learned to drive!”

Schindler Sez

If you want to find out who owns your home…don’t pay your property taxes!

Schindler Sez

If your dog ran away would he be dog-gone?

Dante Alighieri

"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crises."

The Common Sense Rule

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that Obama’s budget will generate an average deficit of about $1 trillion a year, which most economists agree is unsustainable. Obviously, even with his Harvard education, Obama has never learned the common sense rule of fiscal responsibility, which is, if you spend more than you take in…you’re going go broke! Don’t you think our country would be a lot better off if all politicians lived by this common sense rule?

“Global Warming” …Ooops… “Carbon Pollution”

Scientific findings have confirmed the lack of any significant “global warming” in the past 16 years. As a result it’s hard to scare people into doing something about it, if nothing bad is happening. That’s why the White House has again changed the name of “global warming and next then to “climate disruption.” Since “global warming” seems to have stalled and some major scientific players were poo-pooing “climate disruption,” the White House had no choice but to again change the name. Now the most recent name scam is “carbon pollution.” It’s their way of painting carbon dioxide as if it were black soot billowing from industrial smokestacks. Hence the name, “carbon pollution.” In fact, carbon dioxide is actually what we (humans) exhale and is food for trees and plants. Carbon dioxide is also necessary for all life on earth. If there is any pollution, it has to be from the stench in the White House.

Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed…if you do, you are misinformed.

Schindler Sez

Some people enjoy creating recipes…I enjoy eating them.

The Invasion

As of December, 2011, the latest year I could find statistics, there were over eleven million illegals living in the U.S. Hell, that’s not illegal immigration…that’s an invasion! ~Anon

Cool Thinking

The ALS association, which raises money for Lou Gehrig’s disease research, has raised almost $100 million by donors dumping a bucket of ice water over their heads and then contributing to their fund raiser. Even Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, George W. Bush and other celebrities have gotten into the act by dumping ice water over their heads and encouraging others to do the same. I don’t know who thought this gimmick up, but talk about “cool thinking”!

The Fan

A rare 1938 copy of Action Comics first edition of Superman, recently sold for $3.2 million dollars on eBay. Originally it cost ten cents. Quite frankly, I never thought Superman was that super. I’m a Batman fan!

The Gun

In Norridgewock, Maine, after a tree removal crew reported a man with a gun, the swat team rushed out with their assault rifles. The only gun they found was a life size pistol tattooed on his stomach. Still, it wouldn’t surprise me if the anti-gun advocates don’t demand its removal. But I don’t think they’ll have the stomach for it.

Schindler Sez

If Abe’s name was Joe…would he still have been honest?

A While

In London, scientists are growing noses, ears, windpipes and other body parts. So far only a few patients have received one, but researchers are hopeful that before too long, they will be able to transplant other body parts. Don’t get too excited men…that might take quite a while.

Relief

Researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine are blaming Global Warming on the obese because they eat more and cause more greenhouse emissions. To help resolve the problem, I can lend them some of my gas relief tablets. But can I keep a few?

Rolling with Royce

Rolls-Royce is opening a dealership in Cambodia, where the annual average income is just over $1000 per annum.  Boy, they must have really lowered their prices. I think I’ll get one.

Only in America

Only in America…could the rich, (the top 25% of all taxpayers), who pay 86% of all income taxes, be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Schindler Sez

The more difficult the struggle…the sweeter the victory.

The Shaker

One recent study claims that the amount of salt most people consume is okay for heart health, but too little may be as bad as too much. Almost everyone agrees that for some people, salt does increase blood pressure.
            A second study estimates that sodium contributes to over a million and a half deaths a year. Now can you tell me how they figured that out? Unless they examine thousands and thousands of cadavers, how in the heck would they know? Thinking they died from this or that doesn’t make it so. However, if they did a few autopsies, the examiner might say, “Yep, he died from too much salt. Has he been swimming in the ocean…or was he a Shaker?”

Hogwash

The Decatur Plan Commission approved putting a 9000 head hog farm near the town of Pleasant Mills. I bet you never saw that many hogs in one place…but you don’t have to be a farmer to know a pig when you see one.

Schindler Sez

Even the dumbest kid in the class will pass if he does his homework.

Anonymous

"When people rob banks they go to prison. When they rob the taxpayer they get re-elected."

Today

Logic is dead.

Excellence is punished.

Mediocrity is revered.

This is present day America.

Henry Cate VII

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

Schindler Sez

If one’s tacky…would he also be ticky?

The Truck

The other day I was looking at some pictures of me when I was a young man. Then I looked in the mirror. My god, I thought, “What happened?” It must have been a big truck!

The Good Book

Do you know how to judge a book? If you hate to put it down and can’t wait to pick it up, that’s a good book. Personally, whenever someone picks up one of my books, at ten bucks each, that never puts me down. Of course my wife and my old high school classmate, Mary Ann, think they’re pretty damn good books. And since I’m an agreeable guy, I agree with them.

The Brainy Computer

Recently, some researchers claimed the brain is like a computer. The more stuff you put into it, the longer it takes to retrieve. This tells me that most of the information I put into my brain over the past eighty years is still in there. Now I wonder if I can get it out before I check out.

Munchies

As most marijuana users know, when they smoke pot they get the munchies. Researchers have found that tetrahydrocannabinol, an ingredient in marijuana, triggers hunger. Is that why there are so many pot bellies?

Schindler Sez

Plumbers crack me up.

Schindler Sez

Being a jerk can get you hurt.

The Vote

            I believe all rational people would agree if we treat a person, group, race, sex or religion differently, that would be discrimination. But if we treat them all the same, there would be no discrimination. Right? Therefore, if everyone is required to register and show a driver’s license or a valid ID to vote, how can that be discrimination?

            The only reason some people or groups are against registering and showing the proper identification to vote, is they either have an agenda, are not qualified to vote, or to enable others of their ilk to vote several times, since there is no way to verify if they have already voted. And since most voter fraud can be eliminated by requiring everyone to register and show proper ID, why wouldn’t any reasonable and honest person not be for that? Now you know why many leftist and liberals are against showing IDs.

You Can

I started to grow a beard, which wife intensely disliked. “Why would you care?” I asked, “You can grow one if you want to.”

One More Time … The Ebola Crises

Why the hell is our government sending troops into the West African Ebola crises? Isn’t the mission of the military to defend our country from enemies and to win wars?  And isn’t our military stressed enough after years of fighting terrorists, with their hands tied behind their backs by incompetent politicians?

            Furthermore, it will be a miracle if some of our troops don’t get Ebola and bring it back home; thereby putting the entire nation at risk. All I can say is whoever made the decision to send our troops over there has their head in a very dark place. That stinks!

Schindler Sez

I’ve been to San Francisco and thank God I didn’t leave my heart there because I wouldn’t want people to think I’m a heartless old… well, you get the idea.

Abraham Lincoln

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”

The Calves

Jimmie’s mom said to her friend, Mary, “Look at his calves.”

“Wow,” her friend exclaimed, “they’re huge! They look just like yours. But, I have to admit, they look a lot better on a guy!”

The Fourth

It’s amazing how much more fun the fourth (of July), would be with a fifth.

The Proposal

When I was a young man, a girl who I hardly knew, asked me to marry her. Boy, she must have really been desperate!

Sue the SOB

Saturday, I stopped by one of my restaurants, Bandido’s, to pick up some chips and salsa to take to the lake. I also got a cup of coffee to go. With the chips and salsa in one hand, the coffee and car keys in the other, I tried to open the car door and spilled the hot coffee all over myself. This made me wonder: could I sue me? 

Without a doubt, if I would have called one of those sleazy, electronic, ambulance-chasing lawyers that advertise on TV, he would have probably said, “Let’s sue the SOB. It’s his fault!” So I guess that verifies it: I can sue me! 
  
Why do we hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to office? 

-Aesop 

Schindler Sez

Are grouchy Germans…Sour Krauts”? 

Extra Storage

As we age the skin under our eyes becomes thinner and looser, which allows fluids to collect there, causing those hated bags. Hell, if my bags get any bigger, it’ll give me a place to store my luggage, which will save me a bundle. 

Drinking Water

Did you read about the Scottish distillery that accidently spilled 1700 gallons of whiskey into a nearby river? In addition to making the fish happy, it has been rumored that some of the locals were drinking the water. But, as far as I can ascertain…no one was kilt. 

The Ass

My friend, Fritz, made a not so funny comment. When I looked at him, he said, “I was just being a wise ass.” 
             “You might be an ass,” I replied, “but you’re not that wise.”

Caring

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards, they simply are the ones who care the most. ~Charles Schultz 

Juan’s Brother

On Saturday mornings I meet my son John, along with a couple of other friends for breakfast. The cashier is a young man named Juan. His brother also works there, but I didn't know his name, so I said, “Juan, is your brother’s name Two?” 
            “No, what made you ask that?” 
            “You know…Juan and Two.” 
            He thought that was a good Juan…I thought it was Two! 

Schindler Sez

I thought about being Jewish, but they pass-overed me. 

Hic!

A recent study has found that too much sugar can kill you. It has been shown to increase blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc., etc. The U.S. Center of Disease Control and Prevention called the results sobering. Gee, I have a sweet tooth and all that sugar never sobered me. Hic!

Gas

Now the environmentalists are blaming the recent Artic snow and freezing temperatures that covered almost half of the country, are the result of “Global Warming.” I honestly think those prophets of doom will blame everything from volcanic eruptions to flatulence on “Global Warming.” Isn’t that a gas? 

Father Jeff

Father Jeff is quite a guy, 

I really like his Mass. 

His entire parish also does, 

Because it’s pretty fast. 

(Sorry Lord…I really didn’t want you to read this). 

Thomas Jefferson

April 13th is Thomas Jefferson’s birthday. The following is a quote by John F. Kennedy. “I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House…with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

Schindler Sez

If your bucket has a hole in it…get a new one.

The Winners

The top college football coach’s salaries are over a four million dollars a year. That’s ten times more than the President’s annual salary of $400,000. Is it because those coaches are winners! 

Despicable

It used to be lawyers were the most despicable profession and politicians were second. But the politicians have now moved into the number one spot. Since close to 50% of all politicians are lawyers, if that’s not double trouble, there’s not a cow in Texas. Quite frankly, I don’t know where the IRS currently stands on the list, but I hear they’re moving up fast. 

God’s Gifts

Snowcapped mountains, 

Starry nights, 

Blue-green seas, 

Eagle’s flights. 

  

Valley’s lilies, 

Smell so sweet, 

Waving fields 

Of golden wheat. 

  

Colorful flowers, 

Buzzing bees, 

Humming birds, 

God gave us these.

Schindler Sez

If you don’t know what you’re talking about…keep your damn mouth shut.