#205 Week of May 5, 2013
Schindler Sez
The
easier you are on your kids when they’re young, the harder they’ll be on you
when you’re old.
Mother-in-laws
I
believe Mother’s Day should also honor our Mother-in-laws. After all,
aren’t they also mothers? I wrote the following poem, which honors my recently
deceased mother-in-law, Irene Friestroffer,
Irene
We all love our mothers,
To
quote an old saw,
But
it’s a lot more difficult
If
she’s your mother-in-law.
I’m
a lucky man,
The
Lord smiled on me,
The
world’s greatest mother-in-law,
God
gave her to me.
She minded
her own business,
And only
gave this advice,
It’s
nice to be important,
But
it’s more important to be nice.
Another
of her sayings,
Which
should behoove us all,
If
you can’t say something nice,
Don’t
say anything at all.
God
bless you Irene!
#205 Week of May 12, 2013
Schindler Sez
Sometimes
when I go…I just sit there.
National Prayer Day
National Prayer Day is the second of
May. However, if the ACLU, who is primarily responsible for outlawing prayer in
our schools and just about every other public place, has their way, we won’t
need a National Prayer Day anymore. Prayer will be pretty much forbidden
throughout the country. Of course, if the ACLU tries to ban prayer in churches and
private residences, a lot of people will be praying for them to go to a hell of
a hot place.
Hope Springs Eternal
According to the National Department of
Education, the nation’s high school graduation rate is up. Does that mean there
will be a lot less dumb a$$es out there? We can only hope.
On or Off
Pro and college
football players have been accused of using a banned substance called deer
antler spray, to enhance their performance. Now I’m just trying to figure out what
performance they’re trying to enhance; on field or off?
#206 Week of May l9, 2013
Schindler Sez
I
can guarantee that the person who said, “Seventy is the new thirty,” has never
been seventy.
Sharper
Did
you read about Dylan Quick, the young man who stabbed fourteen people, at a Houston,
Texas, community college? Now I suppose
some fruitcake will try to ban knives. Then they’ll probably want to ban
shoulder blades. All I can say is the shoulder blades are probably sharper than
the fruitcakes.
#1
After
winning the Arnold Palmer International recently, Tiger Woods was voted #1 in
the world. Mmmm, he must have gotten the ladies vote. What a guy!
Less Meat
Pedro
Quezada, who won the $338 million Powerball jackpot, was asked what he was going
to do with all that money. He said he could use a good car. When asked what kind of a car he had now, he replied,
“My feet.” If more people used their feet…perhaps this country would have a lot
less meat. But on the other hand, we might have a lot more agony of
de-feet.
#207 Week of May 26, 2013
Schindler Sez
If you buy just what
you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less needs.
Lifers
The Ohio prosecutor, who jokingly
filed a criminal indictment against the groundhog, Punxsutawaney Phil, for
fraudulently predicting an early spring, must have gotten a lot of pressure
from the local meteorologists. If they were indicted every time they
screwed-up, they’d all be lifers!
Go Figure
The global warming enthusiasts claim
the recent record snow falls and the severe winter weather, in many parts of
the country, had nothing to do with global warming. Let me get this straight.
Are they saying, when it gets colder, the earth is getting warmer? Sounds
logical to me! Go figure!
Bill
Recently,
Hillary announced her support for gay marriage. I don’t blame her. That might
be more satisfying than dealing with Bill.
#208 Week of June 2, 3013
Schindler Sez
We
are all entitled to our opinions…no matter how erroneous.
It’s Sore
On
visiting my doctor about a health issue I was having, he gave me a prescription
for some pills. When I asked him what the side effects were, he told me they
didn’t really have any, except that they might make me a little grouchy.
A few days later I told my wife,
Fry, “The only thing those darn pills are doing is making me grouchier than a
bear with a sore butt...she agreed!
I
know what you’re thinking; do bears with sore butts really get grouchy?’ Yeah! But only if they’re taking those damn pills!
Benghazi
Benghazi,
no problem; blame it on Bush. He got blamed for everything else and a lot of no
knows believed every word!
The Last Step
I don’t know if our school
administrators realize this, but I think ISTEP has taken its last step!
#209 Week of June 9,
2013
Schindler Sez
Everyone
loves a compliment…especially the ladies.
Dad
When
I was a boy,
My
dad was king,
He
could do,
Almost
anything.
Then
in my teens,
It
became otherwise.
I
grew taller than him
And
twice as wise.
But
as I aged,
Thru many a summer,
He either got
smarter,
Or I
got dumber.
The Monologues
Recently, at the Arts United Center,
here in Fort Wayne, “The Vagina Monologues,” were featured. Hell, I didn’t know
they could talk!
#210 Week of June 16, 2013
Schindler Sez
Why
do those who understand not what they say, say so much?
On a Roll
Did
you read about the team of students, at Purdue University, who won a $20,000
prize for creating a biodegradable fireworks casing out of corn that is lighter
and less expensive than the products now on the market? Heck, on the farm, we
had a unique use for corn cobs and never won a damn thing. Of course we saved a
lot of money on toilet paper.
Arizona
June
the 21st was the,
First
day of summer.
If I
knew it’d be this hot,
I
wouldn’t have come here.
The Dough
The former Indiana Lake County Coroner,
was convicted of taking more than $24,000 from the child support funds. His
request to be released on bond was rejected by a federal judge. Could it be the
judge is waiting for him to dig up the evidence?
#211 Week of June 23,
2013
Schindler Sez
Do
polar bears really think they’re cool?
How Many Days
I thought it was time someone put
together an easy to understand rhyme, which tells how many days there are in
each month. So I took the liberty of combining several old poems, which should
make everyone an expert on the subject.
Thirty
Days
Thirty
Days Has September,
April,
June, and November,
All
the rest have thirty-one.
But
from this we still must vary,
For
twenty-eight has February.
Except
for Leap Year…that’s the time,
When
February has twenty-nine.
Jim
Schindler
Listening
Listening
is learning.
#212 Week of June 30,
2013
Schindler Sez
If
you’d buy only what you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less
needs.
The Truth
Some
ladies think
I’m
a chauvinist pig,
From
the stories
That
I write.
But
to tell the truth,
I
love the ladies,
Especially
at night!
Jim Schindler
The Woeful Majority
Many
folks think that if the majority is for it, it’s right. Not because it’s best
or correct, but because the majority is for it.
Let me tell you, the majority is seldom, if ever right. If you don’t
believe me, think of all of the elected officials who were put into office by
the majority. Not to mention the laws they passed. All a majority means is that either by hook
or by crook, they got the most votes. Enough said!
The Sag
Recently, I read about a French
professor, Denis Rouillon, from the
University of Besancon, who claimed he
has measured 320 women’s breasts with and without bras and concluded that over
time, wearing a bra might make the breasts sag more than not wearing one.
Obviously, this guy doesn’t understand the law of gravity. Or perhaps it has
pulled his brain down to new lows. Then again, maybe he just wants to do some
more measurements. What a guy!
#213 Week of July 7, 2013
Schindler Sez
A
cutting remark never heals.
The Geese
At
the crack of dawn,
On
little Lake Cree,
Some
noisy geese,
Kept
awakening me.
I made
some noise,
To
scare them away,
But
in spite their squawking,
They
had nothing to say!
Jim
Schindler
The Obvious
Did you ever get the feeling that a
lot of our congressmen vote for what’s good for them and not what’s best for
the country and their constituents? Or am I the only one who can see the
obvious?
Peace & Harmony
Those
who live by the “Golden Rule” and obey the “Ten Commandants,” will live in
peace and harmony, not only with their God, but also with their fellow man.
The Beginning and the End
Political
correctness is just a means employed by those who want to suppress the truth. When
it is forbidden to speak the truth that my friend is the beginning of the end
of any free society.
#214 Week of July 14,
Schindler Sez
A
kind word is never forgotten.
The Politician
Did
you hear that Smith & Wesson came out with a new gun? It’s called the
“Politician.” It won’t work and you can’t fire it.
Lights Out
I
had four beers,
When
I jumped in the car.
Thought
I’d just drive home,
It’s not that far.
A
block from my house,
Or
thereabout,
He
pulled me over and
Said,
“Your tail lights out.”
Jim
Schindler
The Quiet Place
If
the majority of congress would only learn this one lesson: It is better to keep
your mouth shut and have people think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove
all doubt; the halls of congress would be a very quiet place.
You
wouldn’t worry so much about what others think about you if you realized how
seldom they do.
Eleanor Roosevelt
#215 Week of July 21, 2013
Schindler Sez
It
appears as if the FBI hasn’t been able to dig any up the dirt on Jimmy Hoffa.
Moby
I’ve
heard many a fish story,
About
the one that got away,
And
it’s a mystery how,
It
gets bigger every day.
I’ve
been on some fishing trips,
And to
this I must admit,
I’ve
caught a few of decent size,
But
never Moby Dick!
Jim
Schindler
Bar None
The
Indiana Excise Police arrested eighty minors in a raid at the Early Bird Bar,
on the north side of Indianapolis. Vicious rumors have it that the name of the
bar is going to be changed to the “Bar None,” which does seem more appropriate.
The Crossing
We’ve
all seen “Deer Crossing” signs along the road; but I’ve never seen a deer cross
there. Maybe they’re afraid it’ll cost them a buck or a lot of doe.
The most dreaded words in the English language are:
I’m from the IRS
and I’m here to help you. Not necessarily because there is a problem with your
returns, but because of their well-deserved reputation.
Fair
words are as easy spoke as foul and bring good will instead of blows.
~Howard Pyle
#215 Week of July 28, 2013
Schindler Sez
Limit all politicians to two terms, one
in office and the other in prison.
The Idiot
I’m
not supposed to say idiot (it’s not politically correct), but did you hear
about the idiot (I really don’t really give a damn about being politically
correct), who held several fireman hostage and as one of his demands, he wanted
his cable TV turned back on? All I can say is his cable provider’s programs
must be a hell of a lot better than mine.
The Wiener
Did
you hear that Anthony Wiener, the ex-congressman that got caught exposing
himself on Twitter, is now running for mayor of New York City? If he wins, I
wonder if they’ll call him the Weiner!
The Pain
Scientists
now say pain comes from your brain. Heck, I thought it came from the other end.
I know a few pains and they’re not in my brain!
IRS
The
IRS is quite a mess,
As
the politicians know,
But fixing
it might hurt their take,
And
that’s a lot of dough.
Chances are slim, they’ll rein them in,
Cause
it will probably hurt their stake,
They
don’t care about you or me,
As
long as they get their take.
Jim
Schindler
#215 Week of August 4, 2013
Schindler Sez
The best
gifts are not always in the prettiest packages
Bitchy
Some
mornings,
I
wake up bitchy.
If
I’m hungry,
And
want something to eat.
Other
mornings,
If
I’m not hungry,
I
get up quietly,
And
let bitchy sleep.
Jim
Schindler
“No
Show Jones”
Recently, one of the most famous country singers who ever lived, George, “No
Show Jones,” passed away. He was notorious for not showing up for some of his
concerts, hence the name, “No Show.” When he sooner or later, shows up at the
pearly gates, God will probably say, “Welcome George, but sorry you can’t come
in unless you sing a couple tunes. How about starting with, “He stopped loving
her today?” Next, I’ll have Tammy come out and if you two sing “We’re gonna
hold on,”…then you can come right on in and hold on; that way you’ll be a “No
Show” in hades!
A Bunch
I’m
sure you’ve seen many kids, who think they’re cool, wear their pants down so
low that most of the back of their underwear is showing. For some reason, I
think that’s a bunch of crap.
#216 Week of August
11, 2013
Schindler Sez
The computer takes more blame for
the operators’ mistakes than they do. I suppose it’s because, unlike the
operator, the computer doesn’t have to listen to the complainers crap!
Lots
Trudy,
a very substantial woman and a waitress at a local bar/restaurant, said, “Some
guy gave me the best compliment ever last night.”
“What
was it?” I asked.
“He
said, “I sure do love a healthy lookin’ woman.”
“Well,”
I said, before I put my brain in gear, “He’d sure have lots to love.”
She
gave me a dirty look and like a duck waddled off.
That
quacked me up!
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty
Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall.
They
couldn’t put him together again,
Cause
Elmer had no glue back then.
Jim Schindler
The Call
I came home and checked my phone
messages.
The first
message went something like this. “Hey Jimmie, this is Walt, (my attorney), you
sure are hard to get ahold of. Are you still living, or are you dead? If you’re
dead, you don’t have to call me back.”
I called him back, because I didn’t
want him to think I went to hell!
#217 week of August
18, 2013
Schindler Sez
Happiness
comes from within.
Today’s thought:
“Fathom
the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are
insured…but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.”
“And
now, any of those who refuse, or are unable to prove they are citizens will
receive free insurance, paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance
because they are citizens.”
Ben Stein
Any
decision, rule, or law that defies logic and common sense, most people would
consider moronic. Therefore, whoever made the above decisions must be morons.
Schindler Sez
August
August
is the month of the year,
With
little to celebrate.
Except
for the fact I’m getting older
And
just turned seventy-eight.
Some
of you may think,
I’m just
a dirty old geezer.
But thanks
to my pretty little blue pill,
I’m still
able to pleezer.
Jim
Schindler
What They Say
I’m
sure you’ve heard the expression; “You know what they say.” Well, what they say
is not always accurate or true. It depends on who “they” are. Personally, I
could never figure out who “they” are; but I think “they” are them.
#218 Week of August 25, 2013
Schindler Sez
My
wife loses a lot of things…until she finds them.
The Quiz
I
pulled into Mike’s to get my car washed and said to the attendant, “If you
guess why I’m washing my car, I’ll give you ten bucks.”
“Because
it’s dirty.”
“Nope.”
“Because
there’s bird poop on your roof.”
“I
didn’t know that, but nope.”
“Because
you wife made you.”
“Nope.”
“Okay,
I give up.”
“Because
we need the rain.
Their Day
If Congress was
to set aside a day in their honor…I would suggest April 1st. Do you
think I’m being too easy on them?
Fools Rush In…
Why in the world would anyone want to get
involved in a relationship that has about a 50/50 chance of failing; which if
it did, could cost them half or more of their assets and possibly up to twenty
years or more of other payments? In addition, there is a good chance that their
ex-partner might possibly do their utmost to ruin their reputation and become a
lifelong enemy.
Is
that why angels don’t marry?
#219 Week of September 1, 2013
Schindler Sez
Opinions
are just that…opinions.
Seven Common Sense Rules
Here’s what our Congress would do if
they were honest, had a lick of common sense and were truly looking out for
what’s in the best interest of the United States and its citizens.
·
Make
English the official language. In the United States, a nation made up of
people from every country, culture, and religion in the world, the English
language is the common thread that holds us together.
·
Close the
borders. A government that can’t control their borders will soon be
governed by those who can.
·
Deport
all illegals. This would instantly solve the unemployment problem.
·
Severely
penalize any business or person that knowingly hires illegals. If they can’t
get a job, they won’t come.
·
Only U.S.
taxpayers who are citizens should be allowed to vote and they must present
proof of citizenship. If someone doesn’t contribute to society, why should
they have a say in how it’s governed?
·
Only U.S.
citizens who contribute to social security would be eligible to receive it.
·
Never get
involved in foreign entanglements.
Hot Stuff
I
told my wife, “I don’t really know much about global warming, but I know you’re
hot!
#220 Week of
September 8, 2013
Schindler Sez
The
less you open your mouth...the less problems you’ll have.
Not so Obvious
Recently,
I was visiting a very sick friend who was in hospice. While she was napping, I
picked up a brochure, which attempted to explain what a dying person goes
through. It concluded by saying, “You will know death has occurred when your
loved one is no longer breathing.”
To
the author of that brochure, I think the obvious is not so obvious.
From You
A
man went fishing,
He
didn’t care,
If a
school or none,
Was way
down there.
To
get away,
Is
what he sought,
And
he didn’t care,
If a
fish he caught.
On
coming home,
His
wife made fun,
For
after three hours,
He
hadn’t caught one.
You
may joke and laugh,
And
even sneer,
But,
it was nice to get away,
From
you my dear.
~Jim
Schindler
#221 Week of September 15, 2013
Schindler Sez
The
older the fiddler…the less fiddle’n around.
It Adds Up
I
truly believe the minority is
generally right. Why? Because the well-educated and the intelligent, are
primarily in the minority. So obviously, there has to be many more fools,
do-nothings and incompetents in the majority. Even though those percentages
favor the majority…wisdom and common sense do not!
The Wish
A
Genie granted me one wish,
For
anything I asked for,
Thank
you Genie, you’re the best,
I’ll
just ask for ten more.
~Jim Schindler
The Difference
When
you’re young…you wear what’s cool. When you’re middle aged, you wear what’s
stylish. But when you’re old…you wear what’s comfortable. Man…I must really be comfortable!
The Shriver
Maria
Shriver is returning to NBC News. I wonder if she was hired to shrive the
staff. Oh well, they probably wouldn’t
tell her the truth anyway.
(To
shrive is to hear someone’s confession and impose a penance)
#222 Week of
September 22, 2013
Schindler Sez
Thinking
it’s so…doesn’t make it so!
The Weiner
I’ve
never seen the Weiner tweets,
I was
told they are real.
Take
my advice, don’t waste your time,
I
hear it’s no big deal.
~Jim
Schindler
A Paper World
I
went to the pharmacy today to pick up a prescription. The pharmacy assistant
handed me the medication and said, “That will be fifty-five dollars.”
I
gave her my credit card and when she finished ringing me up, she asked if I
wanted an email or a paper receipt.
“I’ll
take a paper one.”
She
printed it out and I’m not lying, that darn thing was almost three feet long.
“Wow,
that’s a long receipt.”
“It’s
a paper world you know.” she commented, grinning at me like a halfwit.
“Yeah
and if it was more absorbent, I could use it in the bathroom.”
Every
mother thinks her goose is a swan.
Howard Pyle
#223 Week of October 6, 2013
Schindler Sez
Never
quit your job until you have found another. For when you’re unemployed, you’re
not as employable.
The Government’s Goal
It seems that every government’s
goal is to raise as much money as possible and then spend it foolishly. More commonly
known as tax and piss it away.
The Bum
Jack
be nimble,
Jack
be quick,
Jack
jumped over,
The
candle stick.
When
it was all
Said
and done,
He
didn’t jump high,
And
burned his bum.
~Jim Schindler
#224 Week of October 13, 2013
Schindler Sez
Nobody’s perfect. Not
even those who think they are!
Where have all the Singers gone?
I
watch a few talent shows, like my favorite “America’s Got Talent” and I notice
in many cases, the louder a singer sings or screams, the more the crowd yells
their approval.
I
asked a friend of mine, Bob, who had played in one of the most popular local
bands for years and he agreed that extremely loud music and singing, in many
cases, is just a method to cover up for the lack of talent.
What
ever happened to Bing, Perry, Sinatra, Dean and the other truly great singers?
They’re probably all rolling over in their graves with their hands over their
ears. I’ll bet they’d all agree with
this Schindlerism, “If you know how to sing…you don’t have to scream.”
Week #225 October 20,
2013
Schindler Sez
Don’t
worry about the dead ones in the cemetery…it’s the live ones that will bury
you.
The Scariest
Who’s
the scariest of them all,
The
goblins or the ghosts?
The
monsters or the booger man,
Which
one scares us the most?
No
one’s afraid of the friendly ghost,
He’s
holier than thou.
He
never scared a single soul,
And
doesn’t want to now.
What
about the booger man?
His
reputation grows,
He
scares us not but makes us laugh,
With
his finger in his nose.
Monsters
been in lots of movies,
We
see them every day.
So
they don’t scare us any more,
I
wish they’d go away.
I’ve
never seen a single goblin,
I
hope they let me be,
They’ve
got to be the scariest,
They
scare the hell out of me.
~Jim Schindler
A Fact of Marital Strife
When the love bug flies out the
window and push comes to shove, what’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers.
Week # 226 October 27, 2013
Schindler Sez
When it comes to kids, I don’t know
who said, “They’re cheaper by the dozen,” but I can guarantee…he never had a
dozen.
For You
My
son Jimmie spent a semester studying in Germany. During that time, he developed
a fondness for German food. On returning home he gave his wife Katie a German
cook book.
“Oh,”
she said, “You’re going to cook some German food?
“No
honey, that’s for you!”
The Promise
Using
the German cookbook Jimmie gave Katie, she invited my wife Fry and me over for
a good old German dish, wiener schnitzel. It was delicious. After dinner, I
said “Katie, I’ll make you a promise.”
“What’s
that?”
“If
you ever cook any more German food…I’ll eat it.”
Wise Words
It is better to
borrow than to lend.
--Russian Proverb
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