Biography

Readers and Friends,

I am almost done with my autobiography.  It will be on sale at jamesaschindler.com soon!  Please check back periodically.  It would make a great Christmas gift!


James (Jimmie) Schindler

May - October

#205 Week of May 5, 2013

Schindler Sez

            The easier you are on your kids when they’re young, the harder they’ll be on you when you’re old.

Mother-in-laws

            I believe Mother’s Day should also honor our Mother-in-laws. After all, aren’t they also mothers? I wrote the following poem, which honors my recently deceased mother-in-law, Irene Friestroffer,

Irene

We all love our mothers,

To quote an old saw,

But it’s a lot more difficult

If she’s your mother-in-law.

I’m a lucky man,

The Lord smiled on me,

The world’s greatest mother-in-law,

God gave her to me.

She minded her own business,

And only gave this advice,

It’s nice to be important,

But it’s more important to be nice.

Another of her sayings,

Which should behoove us all,

If you can’t say something nice,

Don’t say anything at all.

God bless you Irene!

#205 Week of May 12, 2013

Schindler Sez

Sometimes when I go…I just sit there.

National Prayer Day

            National Prayer Day is the second of May. However, if the ACLU, who is primarily responsible for outlawing prayer in our schools and just about every other public place, has their way, we won’t need a National Prayer Day anymore. Prayer will be pretty much forbidden throughout the country. Of course, if the ACLU tries to ban prayer in churches and private residences, a lot of people will be praying for them to go to a hell of a hot place.      

Hope Springs Eternal

            According to the National Department of Education, the nation’s high school graduation rate is up. Does that mean there will be a lot less dumb a$$es out there? We can only hope.

On or Off

            Pro and college football players have been accused of using a banned substance called deer antler spray, to enhance their performance. Now I’m just trying to figure out what performance they’re trying to enhance; on field or off?

#206 Week of May l9, 2013

Schindler Sez

            I can guarantee that the person who said, “Seventy is the new thirty,” has never been seventy.

Sharper

            Did you read about Dylan Quick, the young man who stabbed fourteen people, at a Houston, Texas, community college?  Now I suppose some fruitcake will try to ban knives. Then they’ll probably want to ban shoulder blades. All I can say is the shoulder blades are probably sharper than the fruitcakes.

#1

            After winning the Arnold Palmer International recently, Tiger Woods was voted #1 in the world. Mmmm, he must have gotten the ladies vote. What a guy!

Less Meat

            Pedro Quezada, who won the $338 million Powerball jackpot, was asked what he was going to do with all that money. He said he could use a good car.  When asked what kind of a car he had now, he replied, “My feet.” If more people used their feet…perhaps this country would have a lot less meat. But on the other hand, we might have a lot more agony of de-feet. 

#207 Week of May 26, 2013

Schindler Sez 

If you buy just what you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less needs.

Lifers

            The Ohio prosecutor, who jokingly filed a criminal indictment against the groundhog, Punxsutawaney Phil, for fraudulently predicting an early spring, must have gotten a lot of pressure from the local meteorologists. If they were indicted every time they screwed-up, they’d all be lifers!

Go Figure

            The global warming enthusiasts claim the recent record snow falls and the severe winter weather, in many parts of the country, had nothing to do with global warming. Let me get this straight. Are they saying, when it gets colder, the earth is getting warmer? Sounds logical to me! Go figure!

Bill

            Recently, Hillary announced her support for gay marriage. I don’t blame her. That might be more satisfying than dealing with Bill.

#208 Week of June 2, 3013

Schindler Sez

We are all entitled to our opinions…no matter how erroneous.

It’s Sore

            On visiting my doctor about a health issue I was having, he gave me a prescription for some pills. When I asked him what the side effects were, he told me they didn’t really have any, except that they might make me a little grouchy.

            A few days later I told my wife, Fry, “The only thing those darn pills are doing is making me grouchier than a bear with a sore butt...she agreed!

            I know what you’re thinking; do bears with sore butts really get grouchy?’ Yeah!  But only if they’re taking those damn pills!

Benghazi

            Benghazi, no problem; blame it on Bush. He got blamed for everything else and a lot of no knows believed every word!

The Last Step

            I don’t know if our school administrators realize this, but I think ISTEP has taken its last step!

#209 Week of June 9, 2013

Schindler Sez

Everyone loves a compliment…especially the ladies.

Dad

When I was a boy,

My dad was king,

He could do,

Almost anything.

Then in my teens,

It became otherwise.

I grew taller than him

And twice as wise.

But as I aged,

 Thru many a summer,

He either got smarter,

Or I got dumber.

The Monologues

            Recently, at the Arts United Center, here in Fort Wayne, “The Vagina Monologues,” were featured. Hell, I didn’t know they could talk!

#210 Week of June 16, 2013

Schindler Sez

Why do those who understand not what they say, say so much?

On a Roll

            Did you read about the team of students, at Purdue University, who won a $20,000 prize for creating a biodegradable fireworks casing out of corn that is lighter and less expensive than the products now on the market? Heck, on the farm, we had a unique use for corn cobs and never won a damn thing. Of course we saved a lot of money on toilet paper.

Arizona

June the 21^st was the,

First day of summer.

If I knew it’d be this hot,

I wouldn’t have come here.

The Dough

            The former Indiana Lake County Coroner, was convicted of taking more than $24,000 from the child support funds. His request to be released on bond was rejected by a federal judge. Could it be the judge is waiting for him to dig up the evidence?

#211 Week of June 23, 2013

Schindler Sez

Do polar bears really think they’re cool?

How Many Days

            I thought it was time someone put together an easy to understand rhyme, which tells how many days there are in each month. So I took the liberty of combining several old poems, which should make everyone an expert on the subject.

Thirty Days

Thirty Days Has September,

April, June, and November,

All the rest have thirty-one.

But from this we still must vary,

For twenty-eight has February.

Except for Leap Year…that’s the time,

When February has twenty-nine.

                                                            Jim Schindler

Listening

Listening is learning.

             

#212 Week of June 30, 2013

Schindler Sez

            If you’d buy only what you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less needs.

The Truth

Some ladies think

I’m a chauvinist pig,

From the stories

That I write.

But to tell the truth,

I love the ladies,

Especially at night!

Jim Schindler

The Woeful Majority

            Many folks think that if the majority is for it, it’s right. Not because it’s best or correct, but because the majority is for it.  Let me tell you, the majority is seldom, if ever right. If you don’t believe me, think of all of the elected officials who were put into office by the majority. Not to mention the laws they passed.  All a majority means is that either by hook or by crook, they got the most votes. Enough said!

The Sag

            Recently, I read about a French professor, Denis Rouillon, from  the University of Besancon, who claimed  he has measured 320 women’s breasts with and without bras and concluded that over time, wearing a bra might make the breasts sag more than not wearing one. Obviously, this guy doesn’t understand the law of gravity. Or perhaps it has pulled his brain down to new lows. Then again, maybe he just wants to do some more measurements. What a guy!

#213 Week of July 7, 2013

Schindler Sez

A cutting remark never heals.

The Geese

At the crack of dawn,

On little Lake Cree,

Some noisy geese,

Kept awakening me.

I made some noise,

To scare them away,

But in spite their squawking,

They had nothing to say!

                                                            Jim Schindler

The Obvious

            Did you ever get the feeling that a lot of our congressmen vote for what’s good for them and not what’s best for the country and their constituents? Or am I the only one who can see the obvious?

Peace & Harmony

            Those who live by the “Golden Rule” and obey the “Ten Commandants,” will live in peace and harmony, not only with their God, but also with their fellow man.

The Beginning and the End

            Political correctness is just a means employed by those who want to suppress the truth. When it is forbidden to speak the truth that my friend is the beginning of the end of any free society.

#214 Week of July 14,

Schindler Sez

A kind word is never forgotten.

The Politician

            Did you hear that Smith & Wesson came out with a new gun? It’s called the “Politician.” It won’t work and you can’t fire it.

Lights Out

I had four beers,

When I jumped in the car.

Thought I’d just drive home,

 It’s not that far.

A block from my house,

Or thereabout,

He pulled me over and

Said, “Your tail lights out.”

                                                            Jim Schindler

The Quiet Place

            If the majority of congress would only learn this one lesson: It is better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt; the halls of congress would be a very quiet place.

            You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think about you if you realized how seldom they do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

#215 Week of July 21, 2013

Schindler Sez

            It appears as if the FBI hasn’t been able to dig any up the dirt on Jimmy Hoffa.

Moby

I’ve heard many a fish story,

About the one that got away,

And it’s a mystery how,

It gets bigger every day.

I’ve been on some fishing trips,

And to this I must admit,

I’ve caught a few of decent size,

But never Moby Dick!

                                                Jim Schindler

Bar None

            The Indiana Excise Police arrested eighty minors in a raid at the Early Bird Bar, on the north side of Indianapolis. Vicious rumors have it that the name of the bar is going to be changed to the “Bar None,” which does seem more appropriate.

The Crossing

            We’ve all seen “Deer Crossing” signs along the road; but I’ve never seen a deer cross there. Maybe they’re afraid it’ll cost them a buck or a lot of doe.

The most dreaded words in the English language are:

            I’m from the IRS and I’m here to help you. Not necessarily because there is a problem with your returns, but because of their well-deserved reputation.

Fair words are as easy spoke as foul and bring good will instead of blows.

~Howard Pyle

#215 Week of July 28, 2013

Schindler Sez

Limit all politicians to two terms, one in office and the other in prison.

The Idiot

            I’m not supposed to say idiot (it’s not politically correct), but did you hear about the idiot (I really don’t really give a damn about being politically correct), who held several fireman hostage and as one of his demands, he wanted his cable TV turned back on? All I can say is his cable provider’s programs must be a hell of a lot better than mine.

The Wiener

            Did you hear that Anthony Wiener, the ex-congressman that got caught exposing himself on Twitter, is now running for mayor of New York City? If he wins, I wonder if they’ll call him the Weiner!

The Pain

            Scientists now say pain comes from your brain. Heck, I thought it came from the other end. I know a few pains and they’re not in my brain!

IRS

The IRS is quite a mess,

As the politicians know,

But fixing it might hurt their take,

And that’s a lot of dough.

 Chances are slim, they’ll rein them in,

Cause it will probably hurt their stake,

They don’t care about you or me,

As long as they get their take.

                                                                        Jim Schindler

#215 Week of August 4, 2013

Schindler Sez

The best gifts are not always in the prettiest packages

Bitchy

Some mornings,

I wake up bitchy.

If I’m hungry,

And want something to eat.

Other mornings,

If I’m not hungry,

I get up quietly,

And let bitchy sleep.

                                                Jim Schindler

 “No Show Jones”

            Recently, one of the most famous country singers who ever lived, George, “No Show Jones,” passed away. He was notorious for not showing up for some of his concerts, hence the name, “No Show.” When he sooner or later, shows up at the pearly gates, God will probably say, “Welcome George, but sorry you can’t come in unless you sing a couple tunes. How about starting with, “He stopped loving her today?” Next, I’ll have Tammy come out and if you two sing “We’re gonna hold on,”…then you can come right on in and hold on; that way you’ll be a “No Show” in hades!

A Bunch

            I’m sure you’ve seen many kids, who think they’re cool, wear their pants down so low that most of the back of their underwear is showing. For some reason, I think that’s a bunch of crap.

#216 Week of August 11, 2013

Schindler Sez

The computer takes more blame for the operators’ mistakes than they do. I suppose it’s because, unlike the operator, the computer doesn’t have to listen to the complainers crap!

Lots

            Trudy, a very substantial woman and a waitress at a local bar/restaurant, said, “Some guy gave me the best compliment ever last night.”

            “What was it?” I asked.

            “He said, “I sure do love a healthy lookin’ woman.”

            “Well,” I said, before I put my brain in gear, “He’d sure have lots to love.”

            She gave me a dirty look and like a duck waddled off.

            That quacked me up!

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

They couldn’t put him together again,

Cause Elmer had no glue back then.

Jim Schindler

The Call

            I came home and checked my phone messages.

            The first message went something like this. “Hey Jimmie, this is Walt, (my attorney), you sure are hard to get ahold of. Are you still living, or are you dead? If you’re dead, you don’t have to call me back.”

I called him back, because I didn’t want him to think I went to hell!

#217 week of August 18, 2013

Schindler Sez

Happiness comes from within.

Today’s thought:

            “Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured…but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.”

            “And now, any of those who refuse, or are unable to prove they are citizens will receive free insurance, paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance because they are citizens.”

Ben Stein

            Any decision, rule, or law that defies logic and common sense, most people would consider moronic. Therefore, whoever made the above decisions must be morons.

Schindler Sez

August

August is the month of the year,

With little to celebrate.

Except for the fact I’m getting older

And just turned seventy-eight.

Some of you may think,

I’m just a dirty old geezer.

But thanks to my pretty little blue pill,

I’m still able to pleezer.

                                                                        Jim Schindler

What They Say

            I’m sure you’ve heard the expression; “You know what they say.” Well, what they say is not always accurate or true. It depends on who “they” are. Personally, I could never figure out who “they” are; but I think “they” are them. 

#218 Week of August 25, 2013

Schindler Sez

My wife loses a lot of things…until she finds them.

The Quiz

            I pulled into Mike’s to get my car washed and said to the attendant, “If you guess why I’m washing my car, I’ll give you ten bucks.”

            “Because it’s dirty.”

            “Nope.”

            “Because there’s bird poop on your roof.”

            “I didn’t know that, but nope.”

            “Because you wife made you.”

            “Nope.”

            “Okay, I give up.”

            “Because we need the rain.

Their Day

If Congress was to set aside a day in their honor…I would suggest April 1^st. Do you think I’m being too easy on them?

Fools Rush In…

             Why in the world would anyone want to get involved in a relationship that has about a 50/50 chance of failing; which if it did, could cost them half or more of their assets and possibly up to twenty years or more of other payments? In addition, there is a good chance that their ex-partner might possibly do their utmost to ruin their reputation and become a lifelong enemy.

            Is that why angels don’t marry?

#219 Week of September 1, 2013

Schindler Sez

Opinions are just that…opinions.

Seven Common Sense Rules

            Here’s what our Congress would do if they were honest, had a lick of common sense and were truly looking out for what’s in the best interest of the United States and its citizens.   

·       Make English the official language. In the United States, a nation made up of people from every country, culture, and religion in the world, the English language is the common thread that holds us together.

·       Close the borders. A government that can’t control their borders will soon be governed by those who can.

·       Deport all illegals. This would instantly solve the unemployment problem.

·       Severely penalize any business or person that knowingly hires illegals. If they can’t get a job, they won’t come.

·       Only U.S. taxpayers who are citizens should be allowed to vote and they must present proof of citizenship. If someone doesn’t contribute to society, why should they have a say in how it’s governed?

·       Only U.S. citizens who contribute to social security would be eligible to receive it.

·       Never get involved in foreign entanglements.

Hot Stuff

            I told my wife, “I don’t really know much about global warming, but I know you’re hot!

#220 Week of September 8, 2013

Schindler Sez

The less you open your mouth...the less problems you’ll have.

Not so Obvious

            Recently, I was visiting a very sick friend who was in hospice. While she was napping, I picked up a brochure, which attempted to explain what a dying person goes through. It concluded by saying, “You will know death has occurred when your loved one is no longer breathing.”

            To the author of that brochure, I think the obvious is not so obvious.

From You

A man went fishing,

He didn’t care,

If a school or none,

Was way down there.

To get away,

Is what he sought,

And he didn’t care,

If a fish he caught. 

On coming home,

His wife made fun,

For after three hours,

He hadn’t caught one.

You may joke and laugh,

And even sneer,

But, it was nice to get away,

From you my dear.

                                    ~Jim Schindler

                                               

#221 Week of September 15, 2013

Schindler Sez

The older the fiddler…the less fiddle’n around.

It Adds Up

            I truly believe the minority is generally right. Why? Because the well-educated and the intelligent, are primarily in the minority. So obviously, there has to be many more fools, do-nothings and incompetents in the majority. Even though those percentages favor the majority…wisdom and common sense do not!

The Wish

A Genie granted me one wish,

For anything I asked for,

Thank you Genie, you’re the best,

I’ll just ask for ten more.

                                                                                    ~Jim Schindler                       

The Difference

            When you’re young…you wear what’s cool. When you’re middle aged, you wear what’s stylish. But when you’re old…you wear what’s comfortable. Man…I must really be comfortable!

The Shriver

            Maria Shriver is returning to NBC News. I wonder if she was hired to shrive the staff.  Oh well, they probably wouldn’t tell her the truth anyway.

(To shrive is to hear someone’s confession and impose a penance)

#222 Week of September 22, 2013

Schindler Sez

Thinking it’s so…doesn’t make it so!

The Weiner

I’ve never seen the Weiner tweets,

I was told they are real.

Take my advice, don’t waste your time,

I hear it’s no big deal.

                                                ~Jim Schindler

A Paper World

            I went to the pharmacy today to pick up a prescription. The pharmacy assistant handed me the medication and said, “That will be fifty-five dollars.”

            I gave her my credit card and when she finished ringing me up, she asked if I wanted an email or a paper receipt. 

            “I’ll take a paper one.”

            She printed it out and I’m not lying, that darn thing was almost three feet long.

            “Wow, that’s a long receipt.”

            “It’s a paper world you know.” she commented, grinning at me like a halfwit. 

            “Yeah and if it was more absorbent, I could use it in the bathroom.”

Every mother thinks her goose is a swan.

                                                                                    Howard Pyle

#223 Week of October 6, 2013         

Schindler Sez

            Never quit your job until you have found another. For when you’re unemployed, you’re not as employable.

The Government’s Goal

It seems that every government’s goal is to raise as much money as possible and then spend it foolishly. More commonly known as tax and piss it away.

The Bum

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jumped over,

The candle stick.

When it was all

Said and done,

He didn’t jump high,

And burned his bum.

~Jim Schindler

#224 Week of October 13, 2013

Schindler Sez

Nobody’s perfect. Not even those who think they are!

Where have all the Singers gone?

            I watch a few talent shows, like my favorite “America’s Got Talent” and I notice in many cases, the louder a singer sings or screams, the more the crowd yells their approval.

            I asked a friend of mine, Bob, who had played in one of the most popular local bands for years and he agreed that extremely loud music and singing, in many cases, is just a method to cover up for the lack of talent.

            What ever happened to Bing, Perry, Sinatra, Dean and the other truly great singers? They’re probably all rolling over in their graves with their hands over their ears.  I’ll bet they’d all agree with this Schindlerism, “If you know how to sing…you don’t have to scream.”

Week #225 October 20, 2013

Schindler Sez

            Don’t worry about the dead ones in the cemetery…it’s the live ones that will bury you.

The Scariest

Who’s the scariest of them all,

The goblins or the ghosts?

The monsters or the booger man,

Which one scares us the most?

No one’s afraid of the friendly ghost,

He’s holier than thou.

He never scared a single soul,

And doesn’t want to now.

What about the booger man?

His reputation grows,

He scares us not but makes us laugh,

With his finger in his nose.

Monsters been in lots of movies,

We see them every day.

So they don’t scare us any more,

I wish they’d go away.

I’ve never seen a single goblin,

I hope they let me be,

They’ve got to be the scariest,  

They scare the hell out of me.

~Jim Schindler

A Fact of Marital Strife

When the love bug flies out the window and push comes to shove, what’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers.

Week # 226 October 27, 2013

Schindler Sez

When it comes to kids, I don’t know who said, “They’re cheaper by the dozen,” but I can guarantee…he never had a dozen.

For You

            My son Jimmie spent a semester studying in Germany. During that time, he developed a fondness for German food. On returning home he gave his wife Katie a German cook book.

            “Oh,” she said, “You’re going to cook some German food?

            “No honey, that’s for you!”

The Promise

            Using the German cookbook Jimmie gave Katie, she invited my wife Fry and me over for a good old German dish, wiener schnitzel. It was delicious. After dinner, I said “Katie, I’ll make you a promise.”

            “What’s that?”

            “If you ever cook any more German food…I’ll eat it.”

Wise Words

It is better to borrow than to lend.

--Russian Proverb