January 21, 2012

Schindler Sez

Once, I thought I was goofy, but I knew better than that.

Together Again

If Napoleon could gather all his bones together...would he still be Bonaparte?

The Crazy Goodbye

After I was told the following story by Sim Hain, I asked him if it was true.
"Who cares?" he replied, "It's a good story. So here goes.
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, the great musician and trumpet player, once had an audience with the pope and when they were done and Satchmo was about to leave, the pope made the sign of the cross with his right hand, blessing him.
After that visit, one of his friends asked him what impressed him the most about the pope.
"Well," Satchmo answered, "He had on this tall, pointed hat, a big fancy robe, this huge ring, and red shoes. But what I dug the most was is crazy goodbye!

The Real Problem

Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional Congress? Forty-five percent of them are lawyers!

January 14, 2012

Schindler Sez
If my body was as thin as my hair...I'd be one skinny dude!

The Itch

I'm an usher at St. Peter's and just before we were about to start down the aisle to take up the collection, my nose started to itch like crazy. As I began to rub it vigorously with the back of my hand, Kelly, a fellow usher, gave me this stare of bewilderment. Bending over, I whispered in her ear, "Thank God, it's my nose that itches!"

Hand Jive

Conversing with and Italian friend of mine, who was gesticulating vigorously as he spoke, I finally posed this question. "Sam, if I cut off your hands...could you still talk?"

The Honest Barber

My barber Skip, gave me too much change back after I paid him this morning. On returning the difference to him, he said, "Thanks for being so honest".
"You're welcome."
"Were honest around here," he said.
"Yeah, if you don't count all the bull crap that you guys drop.

January 7, 2012

Schindler Sez
Old age isn't for wimps...just ask me!

Mother's Fault

Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, "But it's her fault I have a fat head!"

Series-us

There is an old Texan saying, which goes, "Don't mess with Texas." Ha! They're not that tough. It only took some Cardinals and a couple of Louisville Sluggers to whip their butts - and I'm series-us.

No More Junk

According to the Washington Post, the U.S. Postal Service has lost over $8 billion in the fiscal year ending in September, 2011, and will probably for broke. What if we let them go down the tubes? Just think of all the money it would save the taxpayers. Besides, if you're like me, all I get is junk mail and bills; both of which I could do without. And you can put your stamp on that!

December 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money talks, but when it does...it usually says goodbye.

For the Birds

"I'm not afraid of death...but this dying bull crap is for the birds.

~85-year-old, Tom Sefton

The Whacker

(The names have been withheld to protect the not so innocent.)

The University of St. __________, had just installed the new Pro Turf surface on its football field. The coach was so happy that he finally got the new turf that now and then he would go out onto the field and lay down, just for the joy of it.
Shortly after the installation, he noticed little pieces of the new turf lying around. Thinking some sort of animal was causing the damage, he instructed on of the student assistants to go out at night with a baseball bat and whack whatever was causing it.
That evening the coach was awakened by his ringing cell. "Coach," the bat boy yelled excitedly, "I found out what's tearing up the turf."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it's Sister __________, president of the University. She's been practicing her golf swing on the new turf with a nine iron."
"Your kidding?"
"No, I'm not kidding! Should I wack her?"

December 17, 2011

Schindler Sez

If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?

Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph's nose was nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.

Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make.
I have to finish my rounds tonight,
Or I'll miss my cookies and cake.

It's the only treat I get to have,
On this eve of spreading cheer,
Since the Mrs. said,
"Don't drive that sled,
If you've been drinking beer!"

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all you lovers of fine literature. God bless and beers to you!