August 27, 2011

Schindler Sez
Home cooking is where many a man foolishly thinks his wife is.

Horned & Horny

What's the difference between a horned frog and a horny toad? Actually, a horny toad is not a toad at all, it's a horny lizard. That's why there are so many around.

Wise Words

"The trouble with socialism is, sooner or later, you will run out of other people's money."
~Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister, The United Kingdom

Profit

In business, profit is not a dirty word; it's the only word. Why? Because any business that doesn't make a profit...doesn't make it.

August 13, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything.

Cute

Minnesota Governor Pawlenty is geting all kinds of flack for saying congresswomen and presidential candidate, Michele Bachmann, has "sex appeal." Since when does freedom of speech mean you can't tell the truth? After all she is kind of cute!

Buddies

It's better to be a buddy than a no buddy.

~Somebody

No Work

Wilbur was driving through a construction site when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
"Do you know why I pulled you over? the officer asked.
"No, why?""Didn't you see that sign , Men Working, 45mph? I clocked you at 55.
"There were no men working back there," Wilbur argued.
"Yes there were," the officer countered.
"Take a look for yourself."
Turning around, the officer spotted six or eight men standing on the berm, kidding and joking around and not one doing a lick of work.
With a you got me look grin, he looked at Wilbur and said, "I guess you're right. Have a nice day."

August 6, 2011

Schindler Sez

Every time I say a bad word, I was my mouth out with a margarita!

The Assumption

In your dad-to-day dealings, if you assume very few people have common sense, you will seldom be disappointed.

The Proud Mom

The entire Freistroffer family was at a gala celebration party for Tom "Tremendous" Freistroffer's primary win, in his run for city council at-large. Talking to his mother, his brother, John, said, "Oh mom, aren't you proud of your son?"
"I sure am!"
"And Tom too?" John added.

July 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

Never let your emotions override your judgment. A hot head doesn't do any cool thinking!

If You Want to Avoid Criticism:
Say nothing,
Do nothing,
Be Nothing.

Robert Gates; Secretary of Defense

Laughless

"When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs," Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. "But when he tells someene else the same joke, he laughs like crazy," she went on grimacing and slamming her fist into her hand.
"Holly, if it would make you feel better, I'm laughing and you don't even have to bother telling me the joke!"

She Doesn't Agree

I was explaining something to Irene, my 89-year-old mother-in-law, and when I finished she said, "You're right. You're always right."
"I don't agree with that Irene and you daughter won't agree with it either.
"She's not always right"
"Well, I agree with that, but she won't."

July 23, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between a hotel and a motel is...a hotel can charge more.

The Guilt Trip

Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I used to keep tract of my daily appointments. Late this past December, when he still hadn't given me one, I sent him the follow email.
Mark, my second best friend in the entire world forgot me this year. I'm wounded! Even though I'm among the uncircumcised, each year you send me a day planner for Hanukkah. This year the only thing I got was the Bronx cheer. Woe is me. Maybe you didn't know my brother-in-law was Jewish. Salaam.
Sincerely,
Your forgotten friend,
Jim Schindler
Mark answered my email with a quick, I've got one for you.
Damn, I thought, laying the old Jewish mother's guilt trip on him really worked.

Wise Words
He wo throws dirt ... losses ground.
~Chinese Proverb

July 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The most beneficial force in the world is love.
The most destructive is hate.

Jesus' Underwear

The second grade class at St. Monica's Catholic Grade School just made their first communion. For a treat, the parish priest, Father Jeff, supplied milk and cookies.
On entering the classroom to congratulate the communicants, their teacher told Father Jeff the class would like to ask him a question.
"Who wants to ask me a question?" the good priest asked.
A young boy raised his hand.
"What's your question?"
"Why do they have a prayer about Jesus' underwear?"
"They don't."
"Yes they do."
"What prayer are you talking about?"
"Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of the loom...

Wise Words

When the people fear their government there is tyranny;
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.
~Thomas Jefferson

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday!

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble ... but I wouldn't bet on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class together at the Green Grog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweat shirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How abut this one, " Ann answered, as she lifted the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cups logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In one of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called and gave him "hell" for using the word.