July 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
Knowledge is priceless...Ignorance is free!

Boring

The ash borer infestation in Fort Wayne has killed hundreds of ash trees. As a result, the city is in the process of cutting down all the remaining ones. I really don't know, but I hear it's boring

The Exceptions

Harold Camping, the California preacher who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare the hell out of all the sinners, of which I hear there are quite a few! You and me exempted, of course.

Potholes

"Hey, Adam, how ya doing?"
"Pretty good. I've had more fun dodging potholes on my way to the doctors's office this morning than I've had since my first wife left.

The Jury's Out of it!

Way back when, the stupidest person in town was called the "Village Idiot." I used to think that every village had one, but I was wrong. Now they're on our juries!

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday.

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble...but don't count on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class get-to-gather at the Green Frog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweatshirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How about this one," Ann answered, as she lifted up the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cubs logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My Friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In on of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called him and gave him "hell" for using the word.

June 25,2011

Schindler Sez
What do tornadoes have against trailer parks?

A quote to remember on July 4th

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis

Prince Less

As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding, her husband, Steve, walked into the living room and said, "Why are you watching that stupid wedding?"
"Oh," Holly replied, "I just wanted to know what it was like to marry a prince."
Steve had to hold himself back, otherwise he would have crowned her!

Appropriate

This Independence Day week, I can't think of anything more appropriate than these two stanzas from Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
and I won't forget the men who died, Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up, next to you,
And defend her still today,
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

June 18, 2011

Schindler Sez

A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.

The Real Whopper

I overheard one lady say to another, "I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go."
Looking at her I thought to myself, lady if you worked it off, it must have been a whopper, because there's still plenty left!

The Bogeyman

If most golfers put as much time and effort into improving their circumstance as they do their handicap, they would never again have to worry about the financial bogeyman!

Not Hot

Nowadays, it seems to me that if you want to be cool, you must do four things. First, don't tuck your shirt in. Second, wear your pants down around your butt; third have a zillion tattoos and fourth, wear your hat sideways or backwards. Then, even though you might think you're cool...sure as hell won't be "Hot".

June 11, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own a donkey to kick ass!

Father's Day
On June 19th,
Don't forget dad,
If it wasn't for him,
You might have been bad.

Amber

When I asked the lay, who assisted my dentist today, what her name was, she said, "Amber."
"Amber," I repeated, "when you go home ask your husband what his favorite color is. If he doesn't say Amber...slap him."

The Smart Phone

"Dad," my son Jimmie, asked, "Why don't you get a smart phone?"
"Son," I replied, "I never buy anything that's smarter than me."

June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.

April 16, 2011

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe. If you don't stick your neck out, you're not going anywhere!

Gina

After talking to Gina our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, "Gina, are you Italian?"
"No, I'm three-quarters Indian."
"Indian? Like American Indian?"
"Yeah."
"Do they still wear loin cloths?" I jokingly asked.
"Sure, they have nothing to hide."

Twits
Are those who tweet on twitter ... twits?

Charlie's "Sheen" II

Charlie seems to have lost his sheen,
He's acting strange and a little mean.
But he doesn't care if he's the oddest,
He's got his millions and a sexy Goddess.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark ... never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen.
"Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up, "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house and the storm still hasn't passed.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark...never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen. "Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up. "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house for many a day.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom
Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 2, 2011

Schindler Sez
Even a fish wouldn't get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!!

A Huge Celebration

If April Fool's Day was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating. Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I'm following a huge four-wheel-dive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail's pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, it was a four-wheel-drive SUV. This got me to wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they'd probably call their mommies!

Charlie's "Sheen"
Charlie's sheen is not too bright,
It lost its glow that booze filled night.
But it put a smile upon his face
That you just can't get most any place.

March 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money can't buy happiness and happiness can't money. But, wouldn't we all be happier if we had a little more money?

Arthuritis

As you age, and the doctor can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you...that old rascal Arthuritis always gets the blame.

Light's On

This past week, we went to a wedding in Montgomery, Alabama, and stayed in a nice hotel. Our total bill for three days, not including meals, was $441.05.
As we drove past a nearby Motel 6 on the way home, I noticed they had a sign that read, "Rooms, $39,99." That got me thinking, "Gee, if we stayed at the Motel 6, our bill with tax, would have been a little over forty-five bucks a night, for a grand total of $135. This meant that I would still have $286.05 in my pocket. Besides that, they would have left the light on for me!

Up?

If you put a drain in upside down, will it drain up?

March 19, 2001

Schindler Sez
The fruit of the vine...loosens the lips.

A Duck Groaner

While having lunch at Columbia Street Restaurant with my eight-eight-year-old mother-in-law, she mentioned they had duck burgers. "Duck burgers," I replied, "eating duck makes me laugh."
"It does?"
"Yeah, it quacks me up"

Slinkies
Some people are a lot like Slinkies. If you plush them down the stairs, it'll bring a smile to your face.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!

What's the dig deal about don't ask, don't tell? If you don't ask me, i won't tell. "But I know a lady who will tell, even if you don't ask.

No Joke

As we were driving during rush hour, we came upon a construction site ad immediately got into a traffic jam. "This is a joke," my wife said, somewhat irritated.
"If it's a joke," I replied, "Why ain't i laughing?"

March 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
A kind word is a joy forever.

Tanks

In gratitude for the Army's help in forcing Hosni Mubarak out of office, the people of Egypt say, "Tanks."

The Shack

I've seen a lot of shacks in my time, but none of them could play basketball.

Not Work

If you can't wait to get up in the morning and go to work, you don't work. Because when you do what you truly love to do...it's not work.

I Like You

Phil, a scrawny, nerdy-looking, young lawyer, just graduated from law school. His first client was a huge man with a rap sheet as long as your arm. While he was studying his client's lengthy record, the lawbreaker asked, "How long have you been lawyering?"
Phil glanced at him, hesitated for a moment to choose the right words and then answered, "Not as long as you've been breaking the law."
"Booooy...I like you!" the accused replied with a big smile, much to Phil's relief.