November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.

November 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

You don't have to be handsome or pretty to be a beautiful human being.

The Almighty Dollar

People used to chase the almighty dollar so they could buy stuff. Now they chase it so they can keep the stuff.

~Bruce Buck

No Call

Stan asked me for my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, "What's the matter, don't you know your own phone number?"
I had to stop and think," I answered, "because I never call myself. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because if I answer when I call myself, people think I'm nuts."

The Picture

The only known photograph of Billy "The Kid," taken in 1879, recently sold for $2.3 million and I'm not kidding. That's more than he ever made robbing and killing. If there is a moral to this story, it has to be that the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth or anything else...shoot a picture instead. It pays better.

October 29, 2011

Schindler Sez
You can't buy class. Only the classless think you can.

No Guts

I hate Halloween,
Mary the Pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.

They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie,
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.

Thanksgiving's next,
I heard them say.
But without any innards,
They threw me away.

Now here I lie
In a garbage heap.
My skin is all wrinkled,
My shell has no meat.

What a terrible shame,
To end up this way.
Why, if I had the guts,
I'd run away.