December 10, 2011

Schindler Sez

Change is good. It forces us to adapt and helps to eliminate boredom.

Frosty

If Frosty the Snowman doesn't melt your heart, it must be awfully cold.

The Not-to-Obvious Obvious

I recently read an article in the newspaper where a witness saw a man shoot himself in a parking lot and he was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. It went on to say that the coroner's office was to determine the cause of death. Gee, I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out the obvious. Maybe I should keep my nose out of it, or I'll be accused of shooting off my mouth. Then, there'll probably be another ongoing investigation.

The Crack

Today, in the pew in front of me, there was a big heavy guy wearing jeans and a bomber jacket.
When he bent over to pick something up in the pew in front of him, let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. Could there be, I wonder, some leaky pipes in heaven? If so, I'm sure this guy could do a crackup job. No ifs ands or butts.

December 3, 2011

Schindler Sez

Don't swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won't get anywhere and in the second, you'll still be all wet.

The Wicked Bible

In 1631, the so called "Wicked Bible," was printed. A competitor bribed one of the printer's, Robert Barker's workers, to leave the word "not" out of the Seventh Commandment. Thus it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." King James I, ordered all copies seized and burned. Unfortunately, a few copies survived and I believe to this very day that that adulterous version still has many followers. But, it's "not" for me to say.

The Tzars (Czars)

Did you know that throughout the entire history of Russia, there were only 24 Tsars? Obama has 32. The Russians are probably wondering why in heaven's name does he need all those Czars. They caused us all kinds of misery and we only had one at a time.

Poor Devils

The average NBA player makes somewhere around $5 million a year. If all you made was $5 million, wouldn't you also want to strike? Maybe we ought to organize.

November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.

November 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

You don't have to be handsome or pretty to be a beautiful human being.

The Almighty Dollar

People used to chase the almighty dollar so they could buy stuff. Now they chase it so they can keep the stuff.

~Bruce Buck

No Call

Stan asked me for my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, "What's the matter, don't you know your own phone number?"
I had to stop and think," I answered, "because I never call myself. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because if I answer when I call myself, people think I'm nuts."

The Picture

The only known photograph of Billy "The Kid," taken in 1879, recently sold for $2.3 million and I'm not kidding. That's more than he ever made robbing and killing. If there is a moral to this story, it has to be that the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth or anything else...shoot a picture instead. It pays better.

October 29, 2011

Schindler Sez
You can't buy class. Only the classless think you can.

No Guts

I hate Halloween,
Mary the Pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.

They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie,
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.

Thanksgiving's next,
I heard them say.
But without any innards,
They threw me away.

Now here I lie
In a garbage heap.
My skin is all wrinkled,
My shell has no meat.

What a terrible shame,
To end up this way.
Why, if I had the guts,
I'd run away.

October 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Every day...find a better way.

The Real Cause

Seismologists have determined that the recent earthquake near Washington D.C. was not the result of a fault line or any natural phenomenon. It was caused by our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Barber School

Today my son, Jimmie and I went to our barber, Skip. As I was in the barber's chair, they were talking about Cary Grant on the morning show.
"Who's Cary Grant?" Jimmie wanted to know.
"He was a famous movie star in the '30s, '40s, '50s and 60s." I answered.
"Yeah," Skip chimed in. "he was really a good-looking guy."
"I never heard of him,"Jimmie said.
"Must be a generation thing," I said, looking at Skip.
"You can always get an education at my barbershop," Skip pointed out proudly.
"Yeah," I replied, "You learn all the falsehoods."

October 15, 2011

Schindler Sez

When many people say they don't remember, what they really mean is they never knew.

Idiocy Personified

A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory that there are more village idiots in Washington than there are in the villages.
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by the federal housing agencies, Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tennessee), proposed that borrowers be required to make a five percent down payment in order to qualify.
His proposal was was rejected 57-42 on a party line vote because as Senator Chris Dodd, (D-Conn), explained, "Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
It could only happen in Washington, Hollywood, or Connecticut.

Where's My Invitation?

In the past race for city council at large here in Fort Wayne, one Democratic primary winner stated he liked to spend his time in his motel room, drinking and watching porn. Hmmm, I wonder if his supporters were hoping to be invited over.

The Stand

If you don't stand for something, you'll stand for nothing.

October 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
"When you're employed, you're more employable."

The Invitation

Millie, Helen and Irene's friend, passed away. Shortly afterward, Helen's children were planning a surprise birthday party for her. Not realizing Millie had died, Helen's children sent her an invitation. Mary, Millie's daughter, read the invitation, called Irene and said, "Obviously, Helen's children don't know mom passed away, But Irene," Mary, being somewhat of a wit, went on, "If mom shows up, give me a call."

The Shrinkage

As we all know, we shrink with age. Tuesday night, Mike, who is considerably younger than I but still no spring chicken, was complaining to me and my wife Fry, when he said, "I'm getting shorter."
"Heck, I've shrunk and inch and a half," I interjected.
"Has Fry noticed?"

Put your money in your head.
~Benjamin Franklin

October 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never talk too much about too little.

The Earrings

My Friend Dan and I were having dinner at Bandido's, my favorite Mexican restaurant, when a college basketball player came in. After looking him over, Dan wondered, "How in the heck can a college freshman afford a thousand dollar pair of earrings?"
"Oh, him," I said , motioning at the player with my head. "He plays for Ohio State!"

The Prize

Since the winner for excellence in journalism, literature, or music, is awarded the Pulitzer Prize, does the winner for excellence in organ playing win the Wurlitzer Prize?

The Passing

Have you noticed that more people either pass away, or just plain pass than die? Others go home to the Lord, or to their eternal reward. I can only surmise, but I believe some also go to a very hot place. Of course that is never mentioned in the obituaries. Now please tell me, what is so terrible about saying John Smith died, because isn't that what he did? When I go, I hope my obituary tells it like it is and says, Jim Schindler died; as soon as the word got around, the celebration began.

September 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

"You can't solve a problem by throwing money at it! Wouldn't if be wonderful if our politicians and bureaucrats understood this?

Jack

A lot of people don't know Jack. Do you know jack? If you don't, I'll give you a clue. His last name starts with an "S".

The Incredible Shrinking Man

"Dan," I asked, "how tall are you?"
"I used to be 5'-11'', but since my wife beat me down, I'm only 5'-9'' and a half.

Richard

I have a friend, Richard, who everyone calls Dick.
"Doesn't that bother you?" I asked.
"No. Why?"
"You know the name Dick has a certain connotation."
"There are a lot of people out there with names like Jim, John, Bob, Harry, Josh, or whatever, who are called Dicks and they're not even Richards.

September 17, 2011

Schindler Sez
Self-praise is not praiseworthy.

The Right Side

There are two sides to every marital spat; the right side and her side.
Ladies, if it would make you happier, I'll reverse it. There are two sides to every marital spat; her side and the right side.

Dying for a Beer

I was having a beer and relaxing with my 90 year-old friend, Jack, when he said, "I probably should quit drinking beer, but I enjoy it."
"Hell, Jack," I said, "if you're going to die from old age or drinking beer, let me tell you, you'll have a heck of a lot more fun dying from drinking beer."

Remembered

Old friends can't be replaced, only remembered for more than they were.

~Tom "K only" Hurst

September 3 & 10, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't try to please everyone. It can't be done.

Can't You Hear?

Uncle Sam, can you hear me? You can't spend yourself out of debt!

A Bunch

A stranger once asked me what I did for a living and I answered, "I'm an entremanure." Needless to say he thought that was a bunch of crap.

The Glutton

Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Restaurant company is calling the contestants in their annul 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, athletes. Five me a break! Athlete is spelled a-t-h-e-l-e-t-e not p-i-g. I'll probably catch a lot ot hell for saying that. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Certainty is the end of confusion
der Fritz

Bad Judge

When it comes to the judges on "America's Got Talent," I think Peirce (Morgan), is obviously the most competent. Sharon (Osbourne), is pretty and good, but Howie (Mandel), well he's Howie. I wouldn't say that he's that bad, but I do wonder howie got that job. But, come to think of it, he's not the only bad judge.

The MVP

This years's Most Valuable Player (MVP), in the NBA's championship game, was Dallas Mavericks player from Germany, Dirk Nowitzki. Who would have ever thought a German would give the storied American basketball palyers a good whipping? I can remember when the Americans always beat the Germans, except in soccer, of course. Mein Gott in Himmel!

A Constitutional Right

Freedom of speech means we should always be able to speak the truth ... even if it's not politically correct.

August 20, 2011

Schindler Sez
Read Moby Dick, it's a whale of a tale.

One's Enough!

"Pat," Charlie yelled gruffly at his waitress, "get me some more coffee."
"I don't like your tone of voice," she said. Then glancing at the guys sitting with him, while throwing her thumb backward over her shoulder toward Charlie, she said, "I've got one of those at home."

The Ambulance Driver

"Gary, do you see that guy sitting over there?" Joe asked, motioning with his head. "Do you know who he is?"
"Yeah, I know him, but I can't remember his name."
"You can't?"
"No. I drive an ambulance. I get paid to forget names."

The Wake-up Call

I Vice President Biden was ever needed in an emergency ... who'd wake him up?

August 27, 2011

Schindler Sez
Home cooking is where many a man foolishly thinks his wife is.

Horned & Horny

What's the difference between a horned frog and a horny toad? Actually, a horny toad is not a toad at all, it's a horny lizard. That's why there are so many around.

Wise Words

"The trouble with socialism is, sooner or later, you will run out of other people's money."
~Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister, The United Kingdom

Profit

In business, profit is not a dirty word; it's the only word. Why? Because any business that doesn't make a profit...doesn't make it.

August 13, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything.

Cute

Minnesota Governor Pawlenty is geting all kinds of flack for saying congresswomen and presidential candidate, Michele Bachmann, has "sex appeal." Since when does freedom of speech mean you can't tell the truth? After all she is kind of cute!

Buddies

It's better to be a buddy than a no buddy.

~Somebody

No Work

Wilbur was driving through a construction site when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
"Do you know why I pulled you over? the officer asked.
"No, why?""Didn't you see that sign , Men Working, 45mph? I clocked you at 55.
"There were no men working back there," Wilbur argued.
"Yes there were," the officer countered.
"Take a look for yourself."
Turning around, the officer spotted six or eight men standing on the berm, kidding and joking around and not one doing a lick of work.
With a you got me look grin, he looked at Wilbur and said, "I guess you're right. Have a nice day."

August 6, 2011

Schindler Sez

Every time I say a bad word, I was my mouth out with a margarita!

The Assumption

In your dad-to-day dealings, if you assume very few people have common sense, you will seldom be disappointed.

The Proud Mom

The entire Freistroffer family was at a gala celebration party for Tom "Tremendous" Freistroffer's primary win, in his run for city council at-large. Talking to his mother, his brother, John, said, "Oh mom, aren't you proud of your son?"
"I sure am!"
"And Tom too?" John added.

July 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

Never let your emotions override your judgment. A hot head doesn't do any cool thinking!

If You Want to Avoid Criticism:
Say nothing,
Do nothing,
Be Nothing.

Robert Gates; Secretary of Defense

Laughless

"When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs," Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. "But when he tells someene else the same joke, he laughs like crazy," she went on grimacing and slamming her fist into her hand.
"Holly, if it would make you feel better, I'm laughing and you don't even have to bother telling me the joke!"

She Doesn't Agree

I was explaining something to Irene, my 89-year-old mother-in-law, and when I finished she said, "You're right. You're always right."
"I don't agree with that Irene and you daughter won't agree with it either.
"She's not always right"
"Well, I agree with that, but she won't."

July 23, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between a hotel and a motel is...a hotel can charge more.

The Guilt Trip

Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I used to keep tract of my daily appointments. Late this past December, when he still hadn't given me one, I sent him the follow email.
Mark, my second best friend in the entire world forgot me this year. I'm wounded! Even though I'm among the uncircumcised, each year you send me a day planner for Hanukkah. This year the only thing I got was the Bronx cheer. Woe is me. Maybe you didn't know my brother-in-law was Jewish. Salaam.
Sincerely,
Your forgotten friend,
Jim Schindler
Mark answered my email with a quick, I've got one for you.
Damn, I thought, laying the old Jewish mother's guilt trip on him really worked.

Wise Words
He wo throws dirt ... losses ground.
~Chinese Proverb