April 28, 2012

Schindler Sez

What’s French about toast?

Is He?

If a comedian tells jokes sitting down, is he still a stand-up comedian?

Think Positive

Having more than one wife, sounds like a horror story to most men. But gentlemen think positive. At least one of them wouldn’t have a headache!

Today’s Lesson

The SNAP Food Benefits (used to be called Food Stamps) administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

            Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, says “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” This may make them grow dependent on handouts and not learn to care for themselves.

Thus ends today’s lesson. Any questions?

June 30, 2012

Schindler Sez 

"Don't be afraid to say:

"I don't know."

"I was wrong."

"I need help."

"I'm sorry."

 The Gift

About two years after Johnny's wife died, he remarried. Months later he took his new bride out to the cemetery to visit his first wife's grave and the plot intended for his final resting place. On the way home, his second wife asked, "Honey, where am I going to be buried?"

"Don't worry," he answered, "I have another plot right next to mine."

As a gift, on their their first anniversary, he gave that plot to his current wife. When the next anniversary rolled around, she said, "Honey, did you forget our anniversary was yesterday?"

"No, why?"

"You didn't get me anything," she replied, with a wounded look."

Hell, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year!"

Independence Day

July the fourth,

I'm proud to say, 

We celebrate,

"Independence Day.

But for many folks,

It's sad to say,

Their final decree.

Was "Independence Day."

Schindler Sez

 June 30, 2012

Schindler Sez

Don't be afraid to say:

"I don't know."

"I was wrong."

"I need help."

"I'm sorry."

 The Gift

About two years after Johnny's wife died, he remarried. Months later, he took his new bride out to the cemetery to visit his first wife's grave and the plot intended for his final resting place. On the way home, she wife asked, "Honey, where am I going to be buried?"
"Don't worry," he answered, "I have another plot right next to mine.
As a gift, on their first anniversary, he gave that plot to his current wife. When their next anniversary rolled around around, she asked, "Honey, did you forget our anniversary was yesterday?
"No. Why?"
"You didn't get me anything." she replied with a wounded look.
"Hell, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year."

 Independence Day

July the fourth,

I'm proud to say,

Independence Day.

But for many folks,

It's sad to say,

Their final decree,

Was their "Independence Day."

March 31, 2012

Schindler Sez

Never worry about making a mistake...everybody makes them.

The Fools

On April Fool's Day,
Many folks try,
To foo their friends
By telling a lie.

If their friends believe them,
They laugh and guffaw,
and act like they're
The biggest fools of all.


The Urinaters

Indiana recently realized that it has $516 dollars more than the state budgeted. Already the inept politicians are lining up, gleefully rubbing their hands together in anticipation of how fast they can piss it away.

On Tape

While driving, I asked my wife, Fry, "Which lane goes straight?"
"The one on the left," she informed me.
"Are you sure?" I replied somewhat skeptical.
On reaching the red light, I said, "You're right, honey."
"Can I get that on tape?"

March 24, 2012

Schindler Sez
Remember when you sit down...to sit up.

Let's Do it Again!

Do you know how lawyers got such a bad reputation? They got it the old fashioned way, they earned it. As a matter of fact, for much of the 1700s, lawyers were banned in many of our colonies. Do you think we could do it again?

The Method

Ramona, a young mother, has two babies about a year apart. A few months after the birth of her second child, she became pregnant with the third.
Wow," her friend Rose exclaimed when Ramona told her the news. "Are you using any kind of birth control?"
"We just use the Rhythm Method."
"And how's that working out for you?"

March 17, 2012

Schindler Sez

A taxpayer's money in a politicians's hand will disappear faster than Houdini.

The Tooter

"You're a smart ass," my wife said.
"I didn't know my ass was smart. Hmmmm, maybe that's why it toots its horn so much."

Green Bananas

At Bandido's Mexican restaurant, Franz, an elderly gentleman, came in for his free birthday dinner.
"Franz," I asked, "How old are you now?"
"Well let me tell you this sonny," he replied, "I'm so old that I don't buy green bananas anymore."

Les Miserables

IN 1960, about 72 percent of all adults over 18 were married. Today, it's slightly over 51 percent. I wonder what happened. Here I thought misery loved company.

March 10, 2012

Schindler Sez

If it wasn't for my sweet tooth...I wouldn't have a fat head.

An Irish Prayer
Schindler is a German name,
Of that I'm proud to say,
Except for just one time a year,
and that's St. Patty's Day.

O"Schindler is me name that day,
And I'll drink a jar or four,
But when I'm with my friend O'Carroll,
He always buys me more.

Saint Patrick if you're looking down,
A prayer for me say,
For O'Carroll passed out on the bar,
And they're asking me to pay.

Up Where

"Hey Jimmie," some wisenheimer yelled, "I've got a question I bet you can't answer."
"There are millions of questions I can't answer, but shoot."
"How far is up?"
"Not too far," I answered, "if it's up yours!"

March 3, 2012

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the fastest path to the cemetery.

The Sack

Dave stopped into the local liquor store and bought a six pack of beer.

"Would you like a sack?" the clerk asked.
"No," Dave answered, "She's not that ugly."

The Pill

The first period just began as Sally, a high school student who is a brunette with a blonde's reputation, told her teacher, "I've got to go to the office and call my mother."
"The class just started. Wait until it's over," replied her teacher.
"But, I got to go to call my mother," she insisted. "She needs to bring me a pill."
"No! Wait until class id over. Jumping out of her chair, she glared at the teacher and shouted in front of the entire class, "Okay, but if I get pregnant...it's your fault!"

The Angel

Last night, I dreamt an angel appeared in my dream and I asked her, "What are you doing here?"
Looking a little confused she answered, "I don't know."
Feeling sorry for her, I said, "Just wing it," so off she flew. I guess that means I'll have to get a new guardian.

February 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you tell someone there are a billion stars in the sky, they'll believe you. But if you tell them the paint's wet, they'll have to touch it.

Facebook

Talk about Facebook. Heck, if I put my face on a book nobody would touch it!

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. On that day, ashes are placed on the forehead of the believers as a sign of repentance for their sins. This practice is followed by many Christian denominations.
As my wife and I were sitting in the Village Inn on Ash Wednesday having dinner, I noticed Digger Phelps, the ex-Notre Dame basketball coach, on TV. On his forehead was a large cross made of ashes. Could it have been that his main transgressions was he didn't win enough games when he was the coach at ND?
Our waitress also had ashes on her forehead, so I asked her, "What do your customers think about your ashes?"
"I think they know what they're for, because they're asking me about them."
Pointing out the obvious, I said, "If they knew what they were for, why would they ask you about them?"

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What is it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 26, 2012

Schindler Sez
What's in fashion...is not always fashionable.

Common Sense 101

Recently, in the Alburquerque, New Mexico, school system, a 13-year-boy was handcuffed and taken to a juvenile center for burping in class. Also, in the same school district, a seven-year-old austistic boy was handcuffed to a chair because he became agitated dring class. I think it is apparent that a bigh part of the problem in our schools is not the kids, but the fact that many of our school asddministrators and educators seem to have flunked Common Sense 101

That's All Folks

I'm so old I can remember when you turned on the TV, it came right on. Now, 60 years later, with all the new technology, when or if I figure out how to turn the darn thing on, by time it comes on, I could have watched a whole cartoon. Be-a, be-a, be-a, that's all folks!

Pondering
When does a pond become a lake?

Somewhere

"Honey," I said to my wife, I looked everywhere and I still can't find my cell phone."
"You didn't look everywhere," she replied, "because it has to be somewhere."
So I looked somewhere and there it was. What a gal!

February 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

We all love to work...as long as we can watch someone else doing it.

The Valentine Shoe

On Valentine's Day,
He took her to dine,
Gave her plenty of chocolates,
and plied her with wine.

Told her she's beautiful,
In a way that was sly,
Cause she never did guess,
He told her a lie.

He was feeling amorous,
And anxious for woo,
But she got sick on the wine,
And threw up on his shoe.

Love Is Never Ending

Love is a wonderful thing; the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!
I wrote the above saying for last Valentine Day's column. I believe it conveyed such a good lesson, I decided to run it again. Love ya!

Schindler Sez
Everybody likes to laugh...but no one likes to be laughed at.

Nuts

In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That's because the audience usually bought peanuts since they were the cheapest snack. In addition, if they didn't like the performer(s), they'd yell, in many cases, obscene comments and throw peanuts at them. Hence, the phrase, "No comments from the peanut gallery," was coined. I just wanted you all to know that, in case I ever use that phrase, you won't think I'm nuts!

The Pot

A recent Gallop Poll showed that 50 percent of the American people favor legalizing pot. I thought I did. But at my age, since I'm going to pot and I don't mean to the bathroom, I'm against pot.

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What's it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 4, 2012

Schindler Sez
Ask for advice, but temper it with common sense and experience.


The Naked Truth

My friend, John sent me an email which said, "Nude Women." Out of pure curiosity of course, I tried to click on the little bar that was labeled, "ENTER HERE." But every time I tried to click on it, it quickly moved to another spot. After a few tries, I realized it was impossible to open. So I sent John an email back, which said, "John, all I wanted was the naked truth, but I couldn't see the bare facts."

A New Wrinkle

Thank God wrinkles are painless...otherwise we'd all be hurting.

Who Hired The Village People?

The U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, said he is concerned about new state laws requiring voters to show photo identification before they can vote. And believe it or not, the Justice Department is reviewing those laws. Let's face it, isn't showing a picture ID the most practical way of insuring that the person trying to vote is the one who's eligible?? This is just another example of the lack of common sense, which seems to be running amok, even in the highest levels of our government. Now do you believe me when i say, "They're not all living in the villages?"

January 21, 2012

Schindler Sez

Once, I thought I was goofy, but I knew better than that.

Together Again

If Napoleon could gather all his bones together...would he still be Bonaparte?

The Crazy Goodbye

After I was told the following story by Sim Hain, I asked him if it was true.
"Who cares?" he replied, "It's a good story. So here goes.
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, the great musician and trumpet player, once had an audience with the pope and when they were done and Satchmo was about to leave, the pope made the sign of the cross with his right hand, blessing him.
After that visit, one of his friends asked him what impressed him the most about the pope.
"Well," Satchmo answered, "He had on this tall, pointed hat, a big fancy robe, this huge ring, and red shoes. But what I dug the most was is crazy goodbye!

The Real Problem

Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional Congress? Forty-five percent of them are lawyers!

January 14, 2012

Schindler Sez
If my body was as thin as my hair...I'd be one skinny dude!

The Itch

I'm an usher at St. Peter's and just before we were about to start down the aisle to take up the collection, my nose started to itch like crazy. As I began to rub it vigorously with the back of my hand, Kelly, a fellow usher, gave me this stare of bewilderment. Bending over, I whispered in her ear, "Thank God, it's my nose that itches!"

Hand Jive

Conversing with and Italian friend of mine, who was gesticulating vigorously as he spoke, I finally posed this question. "Sam, if I cut off your hands...could you still talk?"

The Honest Barber

My barber Skip, gave me too much change back after I paid him this morning. On returning the difference to him, he said, "Thanks for being so honest".
"You're welcome."
"Were honest around here," he said.
"Yeah, if you don't count all the bull crap that you guys drop.

January 7, 2012

Schindler Sez
Old age isn't for wimps...just ask me!

Mother's Fault

Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, "But it's her fault I have a fat head!"

Series-us

There is an old Texan saying, which goes, "Don't mess with Texas." Ha! They're not that tough. It only took some Cardinals and a couple of Louisville Sluggers to whip their butts - and I'm series-us.

No More Junk

According to the Washington Post, the U.S. Postal Service has lost over $8 billion in the fiscal year ending in September, 2011, and will probably for broke. What if we let them go down the tubes? Just think of all the money it would save the taxpayers. Besides, if you're like me, all I get is junk mail and bills; both of which I could do without. And you can put your stamp on that!

December 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money talks, but when it does...it usually says goodbye.

For the Birds

"I'm not afraid of death...but this dying bull crap is for the birds.

~85-year-old, Tom Sefton

The Whacker

(The names have been withheld to protect the not so innocent.)

The University of St. __________, had just installed the new Pro Turf surface on its football field. The coach was so happy that he finally got the new turf that now and then he would go out onto the field and lay down, just for the joy of it.
Shortly after the installation, he noticed little pieces of the new turf lying around. Thinking some sort of animal was causing the damage, he instructed on of the student assistants to go out at night with a baseball bat and whack whatever was causing it.
That evening the coach was awakened by his ringing cell. "Coach," the bat boy yelled excitedly, "I found out what's tearing up the turf."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it's Sister __________, president of the University. She's been practicing her golf swing on the new turf with a nine iron."
"Your kidding?"
"No, I'm not kidding! Should I wack her?"

December 17, 2011

Schindler Sez

If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?

Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph's nose was nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.

Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make.
I have to finish my rounds tonight,
Or I'll miss my cookies and cake.

It's the only treat I get to have,
On this eve of spreading cheer,
Since the Mrs. said,
"Don't drive that sled,
If you've been drinking beer!"

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all you lovers of fine literature. God bless and beers to you!

December 10, 2011

Schindler Sez

Change is good. It forces us to adapt and helps to eliminate boredom.

Frosty

If Frosty the Snowman doesn't melt your heart, it must be awfully cold.

The Not-to-Obvious Obvious

I recently read an article in the newspaper where a witness saw a man shoot himself in a parking lot and he was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. It went on to say that the coroner's office was to determine the cause of death. Gee, I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out the obvious. Maybe I should keep my nose out of it, or I'll be accused of shooting off my mouth. Then, there'll probably be another ongoing investigation.

The Crack

Today, in the pew in front of me, there was a big heavy guy wearing jeans and a bomber jacket.
When he bent over to pick something up in the pew in front of him, let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. Could there be, I wonder, some leaky pipes in heaven? If so, I'm sure this guy could do a crackup job. No ifs ands or butts.

December 3, 2011

Schindler Sez

Don't swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won't get anywhere and in the second, you'll still be all wet.

The Wicked Bible

In 1631, the so called "Wicked Bible," was printed. A competitor bribed one of the printer's, Robert Barker's workers, to leave the word "not" out of the Seventh Commandment. Thus it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." King James I, ordered all copies seized and burned. Unfortunately, a few copies survived and I believe to this very day that that adulterous version still has many followers. But, it's "not" for me to say.

The Tzars (Czars)

Did you know that throughout the entire history of Russia, there were only 24 Tsars? Obama has 32. The Russians are probably wondering why in heaven's name does he need all those Czars. They caused us all kinds of misery and we only had one at a time.

Poor Devils

The average NBA player makes somewhere around $5 million a year. If all you made was $5 million, wouldn't you also want to strike? Maybe we ought to organize.

November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.

November 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

You don't have to be handsome or pretty to be a beautiful human being.

The Almighty Dollar

People used to chase the almighty dollar so they could buy stuff. Now they chase it so they can keep the stuff.

~Bruce Buck

No Call

Stan asked me for my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, "What's the matter, don't you know your own phone number?"
I had to stop and think," I answered, "because I never call myself. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because if I answer when I call myself, people think I'm nuts."

The Picture

The only known photograph of Billy "The Kid," taken in 1879, recently sold for $2.3 million and I'm not kidding. That's more than he ever made robbing and killing. If there is a moral to this story, it has to be that the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth or anything else...shoot a picture instead. It pays better.

October 29, 2011

Schindler Sez
You can't buy class. Only the classless think you can.

No Guts

I hate Halloween,
Mary the Pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.

They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie,
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.

Thanksgiving's next,
I heard them say.
But without any innards,
They threw me away.

Now here I lie
In a garbage heap.
My skin is all wrinkled,
My shell has no meat.

What a terrible shame,
To end up this way.
Why, if I had the guts,
I'd run away.

October 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Every day...find a better way.

The Real Cause

Seismologists have determined that the recent earthquake near Washington D.C. was not the result of a fault line or any natural phenomenon. It was caused by our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Barber School

Today my son, Jimmie and I went to our barber, Skip. As I was in the barber's chair, they were talking about Cary Grant on the morning show.
"Who's Cary Grant?" Jimmie wanted to know.
"He was a famous movie star in the '30s, '40s, '50s and 60s." I answered.
"Yeah," Skip chimed in. "he was really a good-looking guy."
"I never heard of him,"Jimmie said.
"Must be a generation thing," I said, looking at Skip.
"You can always get an education at my barbershop," Skip pointed out proudly.
"Yeah," I replied, "You learn all the falsehoods."

October 15, 2011

Schindler Sez

When many people say they don't remember, what they really mean is they never knew.

Idiocy Personified

A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory that there are more village idiots in Washington than there are in the villages.
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by the federal housing agencies, Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tennessee), proposed that borrowers be required to make a five percent down payment in order to qualify.
His proposal was was rejected 57-42 on a party line vote because as Senator Chris Dodd, (D-Conn), explained, "Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
It could only happen in Washington, Hollywood, or Connecticut.

Where's My Invitation?

In the past race for city council at large here in Fort Wayne, one Democratic primary winner stated he liked to spend his time in his motel room, drinking and watching porn. Hmmm, I wonder if his supporters were hoping to be invited over.

The Stand

If you don't stand for something, you'll stand for nothing.

October 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
"When you're employed, you're more employable."

The Invitation

Millie, Helen and Irene's friend, passed away. Shortly afterward, Helen's children were planning a surprise birthday party for her. Not realizing Millie had died, Helen's children sent her an invitation. Mary, Millie's daughter, read the invitation, called Irene and said, "Obviously, Helen's children don't know mom passed away, But Irene," Mary, being somewhat of a wit, went on, "If mom shows up, give me a call."

The Shrinkage

As we all know, we shrink with age. Tuesday night, Mike, who is considerably younger than I but still no spring chicken, was complaining to me and my wife Fry, when he said, "I'm getting shorter."
"Heck, I've shrunk and inch and a half," I interjected.
"Has Fry noticed?"

Put your money in your head.
~Benjamin Franklin

October 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never talk too much about too little.

The Earrings

My Friend Dan and I were having dinner at Bandido's, my favorite Mexican restaurant, when a college basketball player came in. After looking him over, Dan wondered, "How in the heck can a college freshman afford a thousand dollar pair of earrings?"
"Oh, him," I said , motioning at the player with my head. "He plays for Ohio State!"

The Prize

Since the winner for excellence in journalism, literature, or music, is awarded the Pulitzer Prize, does the winner for excellence in organ playing win the Wurlitzer Prize?

The Passing

Have you noticed that more people either pass away, or just plain pass than die? Others go home to the Lord, or to their eternal reward. I can only surmise, but I believe some also go to a very hot place. Of course that is never mentioned in the obituaries. Now please tell me, what is so terrible about saying John Smith died, because isn't that what he did? When I go, I hope my obituary tells it like it is and says, Jim Schindler died; as soon as the word got around, the celebration began.

September 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

"You can't solve a problem by throwing money at it! Wouldn't if be wonderful if our politicians and bureaucrats understood this?

Jack

A lot of people don't know Jack. Do you know jack? If you don't, I'll give you a clue. His last name starts with an "S".

The Incredible Shrinking Man

"Dan," I asked, "how tall are you?"
"I used to be 5'-11'', but since my wife beat me down, I'm only 5'-9'' and a half.

Richard

I have a friend, Richard, who everyone calls Dick.
"Doesn't that bother you?" I asked.
"No. Why?"
"You know the name Dick has a certain connotation."
"There are a lot of people out there with names like Jim, John, Bob, Harry, Josh, or whatever, who are called Dicks and they're not even Richards.

September 17, 2011

Schindler Sez
Self-praise is not praiseworthy.

The Right Side

There are two sides to every marital spat; the right side and her side.
Ladies, if it would make you happier, I'll reverse it. There are two sides to every marital spat; her side and the right side.

Dying for a Beer

I was having a beer and relaxing with my 90 year-old friend, Jack, when he said, "I probably should quit drinking beer, but I enjoy it."
"Hell, Jack," I said, "if you're going to die from old age or drinking beer, let me tell you, you'll have a heck of a lot more fun dying from drinking beer."

Remembered

Old friends can't be replaced, only remembered for more than they were.

~Tom "K only" Hurst

September 3 & 10, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't try to please everyone. It can't be done.

Can't You Hear?

Uncle Sam, can you hear me? You can't spend yourself out of debt!

A Bunch

A stranger once asked me what I did for a living and I answered, "I'm an entremanure." Needless to say he thought that was a bunch of crap.

The Glutton

Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Restaurant company is calling the contestants in their annul 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, athletes. Five me a break! Athlete is spelled a-t-h-e-l-e-t-e not p-i-g. I'll probably catch a lot ot hell for saying that. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Certainty is the end of confusion
der Fritz

Bad Judge

When it comes to the judges on "America's Got Talent," I think Peirce (Morgan), is obviously the most competent. Sharon (Osbourne), is pretty and good, but Howie (Mandel), well he's Howie. I wouldn't say that he's that bad, but I do wonder howie got that job. But, come to think of it, he's not the only bad judge.

The MVP

This years's Most Valuable Player (MVP), in the NBA's championship game, was Dallas Mavericks player from Germany, Dirk Nowitzki. Who would have ever thought a German would give the storied American basketball palyers a good whipping? I can remember when the Americans always beat the Germans, except in soccer, of course. Mein Gott in Himmel!

A Constitutional Right

Freedom of speech means we should always be able to speak the truth ... even if it's not politically correct.

August 20, 2011

Schindler Sez
Read Moby Dick, it's a whale of a tale.

One's Enough!

"Pat," Charlie yelled gruffly at his waitress, "get me some more coffee."
"I don't like your tone of voice," she said. Then glancing at the guys sitting with him, while throwing her thumb backward over her shoulder toward Charlie, she said, "I've got one of those at home."

The Ambulance Driver

"Gary, do you see that guy sitting over there?" Joe asked, motioning with his head. "Do you know who he is?"
"Yeah, I know him, but I can't remember his name."
"You can't?"
"No. I drive an ambulance. I get paid to forget names."

The Wake-up Call

I Vice President Biden was ever needed in an emergency ... who'd wake him up?

August 27, 2011

Schindler Sez
Home cooking is where many a man foolishly thinks his wife is.

Horned & Horny

What's the difference between a horned frog and a horny toad? Actually, a horny toad is not a toad at all, it's a horny lizard. That's why there are so many around.

Wise Words

"The trouble with socialism is, sooner or later, you will run out of other people's money."
~Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister, The United Kingdom

Profit

In business, profit is not a dirty word; it's the only word. Why? Because any business that doesn't make a profit...doesn't make it.

August 13, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything.

Cute

Minnesota Governor Pawlenty is geting all kinds of flack for saying congresswomen and presidential candidate, Michele Bachmann, has "sex appeal." Since when does freedom of speech mean you can't tell the truth? After all she is kind of cute!

Buddies

It's better to be a buddy than a no buddy.

~Somebody

No Work

Wilbur was driving through a construction site when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
"Do you know why I pulled you over? the officer asked.
"No, why?""Didn't you see that sign , Men Working, 45mph? I clocked you at 55.
"There were no men working back there," Wilbur argued.
"Yes there were," the officer countered.
"Take a look for yourself."
Turning around, the officer spotted six or eight men standing on the berm, kidding and joking around and not one doing a lick of work.
With a you got me look grin, he looked at Wilbur and said, "I guess you're right. Have a nice day."

August 6, 2011

Schindler Sez

Every time I say a bad word, I was my mouth out with a margarita!

The Assumption

In your dad-to-day dealings, if you assume very few people have common sense, you will seldom be disappointed.

The Proud Mom

The entire Freistroffer family was at a gala celebration party for Tom "Tremendous" Freistroffer's primary win, in his run for city council at-large. Talking to his mother, his brother, John, said, "Oh mom, aren't you proud of your son?"
"I sure am!"
"And Tom too?" John added.

July 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

Never let your emotions override your judgment. A hot head doesn't do any cool thinking!

If You Want to Avoid Criticism:
Say nothing,
Do nothing,
Be Nothing.

Robert Gates; Secretary of Defense

Laughless

"When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs," Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. "But when he tells someene else the same joke, he laughs like crazy," she went on grimacing and slamming her fist into her hand.
"Holly, if it would make you feel better, I'm laughing and you don't even have to bother telling me the joke!"

She Doesn't Agree

I was explaining something to Irene, my 89-year-old mother-in-law, and when I finished she said, "You're right. You're always right."
"I don't agree with that Irene and you daughter won't agree with it either.
"She's not always right"
"Well, I agree with that, but she won't."

July 23, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between a hotel and a motel is...a hotel can charge more.

The Guilt Trip

Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I used to keep tract of my daily appointments. Late this past December, when he still hadn't given me one, I sent him the follow email.
Mark, my second best friend in the entire world forgot me this year. I'm wounded! Even though I'm among the uncircumcised, each year you send me a day planner for Hanukkah. This year the only thing I got was the Bronx cheer. Woe is me. Maybe you didn't know my brother-in-law was Jewish. Salaam.
Sincerely,
Your forgotten friend,
Jim Schindler
Mark answered my email with a quick, I've got one for you.
Damn, I thought, laying the old Jewish mother's guilt trip on him really worked.

Wise Words
He wo throws dirt ... losses ground.
~Chinese Proverb

July 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The most beneficial force in the world is love.
The most destructive is hate.

Jesus' Underwear

The second grade class at St. Monica's Catholic Grade School just made their first communion. For a treat, the parish priest, Father Jeff, supplied milk and cookies.
On entering the classroom to congratulate the communicants, their teacher told Father Jeff the class would like to ask him a question.
"Who wants to ask me a question?" the good priest asked.
A young boy raised his hand.
"What's your question?"
"Why do they have a prayer about Jesus' underwear?"
"They don't."
"Yes they do."
"What prayer are you talking about?"
"Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of the loom...

Wise Words

When the people fear their government there is tyranny;
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.
~Thomas Jefferson

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday!

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble ... but I wouldn't bet on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class together at the Green Grog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweat shirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How abut this one, " Ann answered, as she lifted the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cups logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In one of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called and gave him "hell" for using the word.

July 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
Knowledge is priceless...Ignorance is free!

Boring

The ash borer infestation in Fort Wayne has killed hundreds of ash trees. As a result, the city is in the process of cutting down all the remaining ones. I really don't know, but I hear it's boring

The Exceptions

Harold Camping, the California preacher who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare the hell out of all the sinners, of which I hear there are quite a few! You and me exempted, of course.

Potholes

"Hey, Adam, how ya doing?"
"Pretty good. I've had more fun dodging potholes on my way to the doctors's office this morning than I've had since my first wife left.

The Jury's Out of it!

Way back when, the stupidest person in town was called the "Village Idiot." I used to think that every village had one, but I was wrong. Now they're on our juries!

July 2, 2011

Schindler Sez

If all you have to look forward to is Friday, you're going to hate Monday.

The Thimble

If one could gather all the common sense in the United States Congress, it might fill a thimble...but don't count on it!

The Twins

Ann wore a Purdue sweatshirt to her class get-to-gather at the Green Frog Tavern. "Ann," Mike, a classmate yelled, to get her attention. "I'd like that sweatshirt a lot better if it had Notre Dame on it."
"How about this one," Ann answered, as she lifted up the front of the offending sweatshirt up, displaying a Chicago Cubs logo on the shirt underneath.
"Oh hell," Mike replied, "I was hoping to see the Twins!"

A Hell of a Tale

My Friend, Bruce, publishes a periodical called "Seniors Rock." In on of the issues, he used the word hell and as a result, one of the seniors called him and gave him "hell" for using the word.

June 25,2011

Schindler Sez
What do tornadoes have against trailer parks?

A quote to remember on July 4th

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis

Prince Less

As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding, her husband, Steve, walked into the living room and said, "Why are you watching that stupid wedding?"
"Oh," Holly replied, "I just wanted to know what it was like to marry a prince."
Steve had to hold himself back, otherwise he would have crowned her!

Appropriate

This Independence Day week, I can't think of anything more appropriate than these two stanzas from Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
and I won't forget the men who died, Who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up, next to you,
And defend her still today,
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

June 18, 2011

Schindler Sez

A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.

The Real Whopper

I overheard one lady say to another, "I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go."
Looking at her I thought to myself, lady if you worked it off, it must have been a whopper, because there's still plenty left!

The Bogeyman

If most golfers put as much time and effort into improving their circumstance as they do their handicap, they would never again have to worry about the financial bogeyman!

Not Hot

Nowadays, it seems to me that if you want to be cool, you must do four things. First, don't tuck your shirt in. Second, wear your pants down around your butt; third have a zillion tattoos and fourth, wear your hat sideways or backwards. Then, even though you might think you're cool...sure as hell won't be "Hot".

June 11, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own a donkey to kick ass!

Father's Day
On June 19th,
Don't forget dad,
If it wasn't for him,
You might have been bad.

Amber

When I asked the lay, who assisted my dentist today, what her name was, she said, "Amber."
"Amber," I repeated, "when you go home ask your husband what his favorite color is. If he doesn't say Amber...slap him."

The Smart Phone

"Dad," my son Jimmie, asked, "Why don't you get a smart phone?"
"Son," I replied, "I never buy anything that's smarter than me."

June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.

April 16, 2011

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe. If you don't stick your neck out, you're not going anywhere!

Gina

After talking to Gina our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, "Gina, are you Italian?"
"No, I'm three-quarters Indian."
"Indian? Like American Indian?"
"Yeah."
"Do they still wear loin cloths?" I jokingly asked.
"Sure, they have nothing to hide."

Twits
Are those who tweet on twitter ... twits?

Charlie's "Sheen" II

Charlie seems to have lost his sheen,
He's acting strange and a little mean.
But he doesn't care if he's the oddest,
He's got his millions and a sexy Goddess.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark ... never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen.
"Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up, "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house and the storm still hasn't passed.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark...never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen. "Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up. "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house for many a day.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom
Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 2, 2011

Schindler Sez
Even a fish wouldn't get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!!

A Huge Celebration

If April Fool's Day was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating. Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I'm following a huge four-wheel-dive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail's pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, it was a four-wheel-drive SUV. This got me to wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they'd probably call their mommies!

Charlie's "Sheen"
Charlie's sheen is not too bright,
It lost its glow that booze filled night.
But it put a smile upon his face
That you just can't get most any place.

March 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money can't buy happiness and happiness can't money. But, wouldn't we all be happier if we had a little more money?

Arthuritis

As you age, and the doctor can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you...that old rascal Arthuritis always gets the blame.

Light's On

This past week, we went to a wedding in Montgomery, Alabama, and stayed in a nice hotel. Our total bill for three days, not including meals, was $441.05.
As we drove past a nearby Motel 6 on the way home, I noticed they had a sign that read, "Rooms, $39,99." That got me thinking, "Gee, if we stayed at the Motel 6, our bill with tax, would have been a little over forty-five bucks a night, for a grand total of $135. This meant that I would still have $286.05 in my pocket. Besides that, they would have left the light on for me!

Up?

If you put a drain in upside down, will it drain up?