They Don’t Care

Today, at least in this area, people don’t die, they pass. At first, I didn’t like that phrase. I thought: why doesn’t one just say, they died, because that’s what they did. But after mulling it over, I changed my mind. After all, isn’t death a time when one passes from this life into the next? Still, no matter what we call the last trip…I’m sure it makes no difference to the dearly departed.

Beauty

Beauty is what you’re used to.

It’s Everywhere

Incompetence stalks the land!

The Gift of a Loan

Whenever I lend money to my family or friends, in my mind’s eye, I see it as a gift. Then if I get paid back, I’m pleasantly surprised. But if I don’t since I saw it as a gift, I never become embittered or angry, for to lose their friendship over a few dollars seems foolish to me.

An Eye Opener

We close our eyes when we sneeze.

A Hard Left

Why is it that many people who demand their constitutional right to free speech are outraged when others exercise theirs and express the opposite view? Perhaps these hypocrites should be given, in addition to their rights, a hard left.

Almost Impossible

It is almost impossible to be good at something you don’t like to do.

The Nuts

          In the last presidential election, ACORN, a liberal community activist group, registered 1.3 million new voters, of which almost a third were rejected, in too many cases because they were fraudulent. Obviously, this was very embarrassing to the Obama campaign. In addition, ACORN’s workers were caught on tape, giving advice on how to get a government loan to run a house of ill repute, using underage prostitutes, from El Salvador.

          Now ACORN is trying to blame Fox News, the right wing, and anyone else that doesn’t agree with or support them for their wrong doings. Quite frankly, until I first heard about ACORN, a year or so ago, I always assumed that acorns were nuts. However, it’s nice to know that I’m still right…on both accounts! 

The Judge’s New Pants

In the 1940s, Floyd Hunter, the local judge in the small town of Decatur, Indiana, had a side business repairing wooden bowling pins for the surrounding bowling alleys. One day, quite unexpectedly, he was called into court. Not taking time to change his clothes, he showed up in pants all covered with paint splotches and dirt. After a quick hearing, “His Honor” found the perpetrator guilty and fined him ten dollars. On paying, the lawbreaker handed the judge an extra five bucks along with these words, “Here…get yourself some new pants.”

What This Country Needs

What this country needs is an honest politician.

The Scoop on Poop

            Sam, Jenny’s son, stayed overnight at a friend’s house and the next morning the neighbors’ dad brought him home.

          Nick, Sam’s four–year-old brother answered the doorbell. On entering his friend’s father, asked, “Is your mother home?”

            Nick answered, “She’s going poop.”

            Jenny heard Nick from the bathroom and was mortified. As a result, she stayed in the bathroom until she was sure he left. On coming out, she saw him still standing in the foyer. She was so embarrassed she couldn’t look him in the eye. Sensing her embarrassment and trying to comfort her, he said, “You know what? I’ve got a book at home called, Everybody Poops.

A Nickel’s Worth

In the 1940s, when I was about five or six years old, my sister Mousie, being a nice person and loving her baby brother, wanted to trade me a dime for a nickel. She kept trying to convince me that the dime was worth more, but I still wouldn’t trade with her. In my young mind, I thought that if the nickel was bigger, it must be worth more. Even now, in my middle seventies, it still mystifies me why anyone would make the bigger coin worth less.

Schindler Sez

Blowhards catch foot-in-mouth disease.

Ted Terrific

          Ted Balestreri, the famous restaurateur, once said, “I was a very wealthy kid. May father left me in America, and he left me character. I figure that’s about as rich as you want to get.” Also, he said that his father left him the whole world to make a living in “so I wouldn’t be encumbered.”

With an attitude like that, it’s not surprising that Ted is not only a successful businessman, but more importantly, a successful human being.

            God Bless Ted and God Bless America

The Shove

 I can’t understand what all the fuss was about when Serena Williams, after being called for a foot fault in the U.S. Open tennis finals, threatened to shove the ball down the line judge’s (expletive deleted) throat. After all, most people in the same situation would have threatened to shove it somewhere else!

Words of Wisdom

When my son John was growing up, he was real quiet. One day, he must have been around nine years old; we were driving over to my brother Chico’s house. After about ten minutes of silence, I asked, “John, why don’t you ever say anything?”

He looked at me, paused, and then said, “I will when I have something so say.”

Accomplish the Impossible

One can accomplish the impossible, but only if one doesn’t know it’s impossible.

The Forgetter

When Joey read, “What did I forget?” on a Post-it note he wrote, he scratched his head and mumbled to himself, “Hell, I don’t know … I forgot!”

The Wrath of Grapes

             In the early 1930s, young Sim miraculously found himself in the middle of a neighbor’s grape arbor. While he was stuffing is face with the fruit of the vine, the unhappy owner spotted him and rang up his father.

            Finally, with a belly full of grapes, Sim headed home. As soon as he walked in the back door, his dad, in a stern voice asked, “Where were you?” He no sooner got the words out of his mouth when Sim threw up what seemed like a half a vineyard. More grapes than either one of them ever wanted to see.

            “Well, I guess you suffered enough,” his dad said with a twinkle in his eye, knowing full well that his son had learned a grapeful lesson.

A Heavenly Halloween

            Every Halloween, the staff at Bandido’s Mexican Restaurants wears costumes (limited only by their imagination), to the delight of the guests. On this particular festival of the dead, two Catholic priests, Father Jeff and Father Jim, came in for dinner and, lo and behold…guess who waited on them. A waitress dressed as a pregnant nun. As she walked up to greet them, she said, “Nice costumes, guys,” and then took their drink order.

            At the bar, when she was informed that the two gentlemen were priests and being Halloween, she was extremely horrified. Returning to the table, she kept her eyes lowered in shame as she set down their drinks and muttered, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

            To which Father Jeff answered, “You are forgiven, my child. Now for your penance, you may pay for our dinners,” which she did, making that hallow evening…heavenly, for the clever clerics.