February 2013

#193 Week of February 3, 2013

Schindler Sez

Don’t trip over your tongue.

                                                                                      

Not a Pretty Sight

Roger Moore, the debonair, former James Bond movie star, was being interviewed on a talk show, when Steve, said, “He doesn’t look too good.”

“None of us look as good as we used to,” I replied.

“That’s why our sight gets worse as we age…so we can’t see how bad we really look,” Char, his wife said, joining the conversation.

“I look better as I age,” Steve added, puffing up like a bullfrog in heat.

 “Steve, seriously,” I said, “have you looked in the mirror lately?”

The Cut Up

            If Leatherface, the villain in the movie, ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D,’ had my chainsaw, the movie wouldn’t have been near as scary or popular. First, unless Leatherface is a better man than I, he couldn’t have gotten the damn thing started. And secondly, it’s duller than a politician’s brain.

Gone

            I can’t figure out why my get up and go, has got up and gone…but my wife sure would like me to find it!

#194 Week of February 10, 2013

Schindler Sez

Have you ever seen a willow weep?

Under the Cover

On Valentine’s Day

Treat your lady sweet,

Send her some flowers,

And take her to eat.

Look in her eyes,

Tell her you love her,

Then in no time,

It’s under the cover.

Zap...Zap

Today at mass, Steve took a finger monkey from one of the neighbor kids sitting next to him, put it on his finger and began waving it at them, much to their delight. The only finger wave anyone ever gave me, if he did in church, God would have zapped him!

#195 Week of February 17, 2013

Schindler Sez

When a team plays not to lose instead of to win, it generally loses more than it wins.

They’ve Got Roots

One thing you can say about today’s blondes…they’ve got roots. But they’ll always grow black.

The Praying Mantis and the ACLU

At the intersection of Washington and Sycamore streets, in Kokomo, Indiana, stands a giant, (17 feet tall and 22 feet long), praying mantis. Many of the locals can’t figure out why she’s there, but as soon as the ACLU finds out, she probably won’t be there for long. After all, isn’t the ACLU against anyone or anything praying on public property? 

What the ACLU doesn’t realize, is there are probably more people against them, than against praying in public or anywhere else. So perhaps they’re the ones that ought to be banned. I would bet if a vote was held today on which to ban, the ACLU, or the “Praying Mantis,” the ACLU wouldn’t be bugging us anymore.

However, since that vote will never be taken, perhaps we should all pray for the “Mantis,” before she’s long gone.

#196 Week of February 24, 3013

Schindler Sez

If the violence and fights were outlawed from hockey…there wouldn’t be near as many hockey puckers around.

Road Apples

Recently I read an article in the paper, written by a man complaining about the road apples, (aka horse droppings), on the back roads of Monroe, Indiana. He wanted some sort of a regulation, which would require the Amish to outfit their horses with “catchers” or “baggers” for the horse poop to fall into. If that’s the worst of his worries, I have one piece of advice for that guy, “Bag it!”

Dear God,

            Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?

                        ~A concerned student

Dear Student,

            I’m no longer allowed in the schools.

                                                                        ~God

January 2013

#189 Week of January 6, 2013

I’ve been asked several times if I write the poems in my columns. To those of you who think I’m not clever enough, sorry to disappoint you, but yes I do! However, from time to time, if I do include a poem by another author, such as “I never saw a Purple Cow, “by Gelett Burgess, I will definitely give them the credit they so richly deserve.

~Jim Schindler

Schindler Sez

You can’t sit around and wait for good things to happen…you got to get off your duff and make them happen.

Schindler’s Prophecy

On December twenty-first

The world will end,

According to the calendar,

 Of the ancient Mayan.

But that fateful day

Has come and gone,

And the prophets of doom.

Were embarrassingly wrong.

The world will end,

I say unto you,

It won’t be this year,

But in a million or two.

# 190 Week of January 13, 2013

Schindler Sez

The problem with getting a fat head… is your hat won’t fit anymore.

The Papal Pardon

            Paolo, the Pope’s personal butler, received a penance to be performed in the papal prison, for pilfering and peddling parts and pieces from the pope’s private papers, which painfully perplexed the Pontiff. But the purloiner was plenty pleased when the pope performed a papal pardon, which released him from the pontiff’s pen.

~Joe & Cathy Freistroffer

The Scratch

In a small study by some British psychologists, sixty-four percent of the participants scratched themselves while watching images of people scratching themselves. That’s a higher percentage than people yawning, when they see someone else yawn, (40 to 60%). To me, that’s not surprising. A yawn is just a yawn, but a good scratch, feels soooo good. Of course, how good depends on what you’re scratching.

Why Banks Fail

When you cut through all the bull crap, the primary reason banks fail is because of bad loans.

#191 Week of January 20, 2013

Schindler Sez

If you want to get along swimmingly…don’t swim upstream.

Moms Away!

            Recently, Phil and Marjorie lost their daughter, Laura, whose loves were Florida, Siesta Key, and the gulf. Shortly before her untimely demise, she asked that her remains be cremated and spread over the Gulf of Mexico, a few miles out from Siesta Key. As her children, Chris and Aaron, were flying high above the gulf, in accordance to her wishes, they turned the urn with their mother’s ashes upside down, and shouted, “Moms away!”

January in Hades

January is our coldest month,

To that I can attest.

But to those in the Netherworld,

It’s the month they love the best.

Grandpa’s Luck

            As Steve was getting his six-year-old grandson, Will, ready to go out, he said, “Grandpa, you sure are lucky.”

            “Why?” grandpa wanted to know.

            “Because you don’t have any hair to brush.”
 

#192 Week of January 27, 2012

Schindler Sez

            There’s a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth and isn’t it a darn shame a lot of folks still haven’t figured it out?  

Good Timing

            Miguel was about to board his flight when he politely stepped aside so an old lady, who seemed somewhat out of sorts, could pass through.    “Thank you,” she gratefully said. “You seem like such a nice man.”

            “You’re welcome,” he answered. “But, just relax; we’re all going to get there at the same time.”

The Working Woman

I hadn’t seen my friend Bruce for quite a while and during our conversation I asked him if he was still married.

“Sure,” he replied. “No reason to replace her…she’s still working.”

Why Romney Lost

            After Mitt Romney said, “When I’m elected, I will put Americans back to work,” almost half of the voters thought, “Screw that!

December 2012

#184 Week of December 2, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you’re following the crowd…you’re on the wrong road!

Thou

Good news! The esteemed New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Dr. Franz Messerli, of St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital, that there is evidence the flavonoids in chocolate, red wine and green tea, helps to slow down and possibly even reverse age-related mental deterioration. Screw the green tea; hand me a jug of wine and one of those huge Hershey bars.

A line from Omar Khayyam’s famous poem, “The Rubaiyat,”  goes:

“A jug of wine, a loaf of bead, and thou.”

But Schindler Sez:

“A jug of wine, a Hershey bar and wow!”

Of course, after a few jugs of wine…it could be thou!

The “DoNothings”

The newspaper recently announced that Congress just returned from a seven-week vacation. Heck, I didn’t know they had a job. Wouldn’t we all like to get paid for doing nothing and call it a job?

The Losers

The real losers in the recent election fiasco were…the American people.

#185 Week of December 9, 2012

Schindler Sez

After several beers, or margaritas, a lot of folks “think” they can do about anything. However, if the truth were known…most of them couldn’t do jack crap.

10-10

            When my son Jimmie was around sixteen, we were discussing his mother’s birthday, which is 10-10-52, when he said, “Mom, most guys would like to be married to a ten; dad’s sure is a lucky guy.”

            “Why?” Mom wanted to know.

            “Because he’s married to a ten-ten!”

As you clever readers have probably surmised…she has never let me forget it!

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

The Heat Beaters

Recently, I read a headline in an area newspaper, which read, “Grizzles beat Heat.” Heck, I thought it was about some bears cooling off in a river somewhere. But no, it was about the Memphis Grizzlies beating the H out of the Miami Heat. Wouldn’t we all like to beat the heat; especially if we got paid millions for doing it?

#186 Week of December 16, 2012

Schindler Sez

Everybody loves their babies…even the ugly ones.

Just a Thought

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the famous muscular movie star and ex-governor of California, land of fruits and nuts, could have saved himself a lot of trouble, if he would have only thought with his big head.

The Christmas Kiss

Santa gained some weight this year,

His pants he could not wear.

My dear said he, Let them out for me,

Must I go in my underwear?

I’m much too old and it’s bitter cold

And the folks will surely stare,

At my boxers of black, with mistletoe on back,

And you don’t want them kissing me there.

~Jim Schindler~

#187 Week of December 23, 2012

Schindler Sez

Do people who like to horse around…lack horse sense?

Hickory Dickory Dock,

The mouse ran up the clock.

The pendulum swung

And he jumped on,

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock

The mouse swung on the clock.

The clock struck two,

And off he flew,

Hickory Dickory Dock.

Hickory Dickory Dock

The mouse came to in the clock.

When the clock struck three,

He started to flee…squeaking,

 “No more will you Hickory Dick me!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

To all you lovers of fine literature.

#188 Week of Dec 30, 2012

Schindler Sez

New Year’s resolution advice: If you want to improve your circumstance…first improve yourself.

A Cold One

At a house party, one of the young men asked seventy-eight- year-old Melvin, if he wanted to play beer pong. “No,” he answered, “Since I’ve lost the ping in my pong, even after a few beers, my pong is still pingless.

January Two

Most New Year’s resolutions,

 Folks keep a couple of days.

Some keep them for a week or two,

Then back to their old ways.

I gave up booze, and beer,

 And wild women too.

But I kept my resolutions,

Till we met on January two.

November 2012

#180 Week of November 4, 2012

Schindler Sez

I know more people I don’t know, than people I know.

The Bridge over Troubled Politics

For over three years, no matter what went wrong, which was plenty according to the present administration; it was George Bush’s fault. If you believe that, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.

Saved by the Air

While riding down the road with my friend, Matt, I said, “Boy it’s hot in here.”

“Let me turn on the air…Is it blowing too hard?”

“No, I like the air blowing on me. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Because that way, no one can tell when I tootle.”

A Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American are…I can. The last four letters in Republican are…I can. The last four letters in Democrats are…Rats. Is it true November is set aside as rodent removal month?

~The Net~

#181 Week of November 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

I may be aging…but I refuse to grow old.

The Princess Photos

I didn’t personally get to see the nude photos of Her Royal Highness, Princess of Wales, aka Princess Kate, but I hear they’re very titillating.

High Water

            The problem in too many schools is the children are not being taught to learn their lessons, as much as they are being trained to do well on the ISTEP exams. But, come hell or high water, the administrators, staff and the schools, feel they must look good, even at the expense of the children.

Ours

There are two sides to every story, which kind of reminds me of a pancake. It also has two sides and like we do to a pancake, we all tend to sweeten one side of the story…Ours!

A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves.

#182 Week of November 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

Your GPS won’t get you to heaven

Gobbled

I detest Thanksgiving,

Serve the stuffing’s no more.

The cranberries are acidic,

The mashed potatoes a bore.

The filling in the pie

From some pumpkin you took.

When the pig saw the ham,

He trembled and shook.

The brown eyes of the cow

Lost their glow and are sad.

Is the meat in the mince,

From her mom or her dad?

So, Thanksgiving day,

Is a sad one you see,

Wouldn’t it be for you also,

If you were gobbled like me?

~The Turkey~

# 183 November 25, 2012

Schindler Sez

The truth will always be the truth…no matter how much the politicians lie.

Fruitcake Anyone?

Did you read about the guy who was badly mauled when he jumped from the elevated train, into the tiger’s den at the Bronx Zoo? The reason he gave was, “He wanted to be one with the tiger.” The reason, at least in my opinion, the tiger didn’t want to be one with him and eat him…was because he didn’t like fruitcake!

The Zack Attack

Jo had a son named Zack,

So handsome, he gave her a Zack attack.

With a winning smile and eyes of blue,

When the girls saw him, they had a Zack attack too.

Be Wise

Only a fool refuses the counsel of wise men. By counseling with wise men, you add their knowledge and experience to your own, which dramatically increases your chance for success.

~Andy Andrews~