March 31, 2012

Schindler Sez

Never worry about making a mistake...everybody makes them.

The Fools

On April Fool's Day,
Many folks try,
To foo their friends
By telling a lie.

If their friends believe them,
They laugh and guffaw,
and act like they're
The biggest fools of all.


The Urinaters

Indiana recently realized that it has $516 dollars more than the state budgeted. Already the inept politicians are lining up, gleefully rubbing their hands together in anticipation of how fast they can piss it away.

On Tape

While driving, I asked my wife, Fry, "Which lane goes straight?"
"The one on the left," she informed me.
"Are you sure?" I replied somewhat skeptical.
On reaching the red light, I said, "You're right, honey."
"Can I get that on tape?"

March 24, 2012

Schindler Sez
Remember when you sit down...to sit up.

Let's Do it Again!

Do you know how lawyers got such a bad reputation? They got it the old fashioned way, they earned it. As a matter of fact, for much of the 1700s, lawyers were banned in many of our colonies. Do you think we could do it again?

The Method

Ramona, a young mother, has two babies about a year apart. A few months after the birth of her second child, she became pregnant with the third.
Wow," her friend Rose exclaimed when Ramona told her the news. "Are you using any kind of birth control?"
"We just use the Rhythm Method."
"And how's that working out for you?"

March 17, 2012

Schindler Sez

A taxpayer's money in a politicians's hand will disappear faster than Houdini.

The Tooter

"You're a smart ass," my wife said.
"I didn't know my ass was smart. Hmmmm, maybe that's why it toots its horn so much."

Green Bananas

At Bandido's Mexican restaurant, Franz, an elderly gentleman, came in for his free birthday dinner.
"Franz," I asked, "How old are you now?"
"Well let me tell you this sonny," he replied, "I'm so old that I don't buy green bananas anymore."

Les Miserables

IN 1960, about 72 percent of all adults over 18 were married. Today, it's slightly over 51 percent. I wonder what happened. Here I thought misery loved company.

March 10, 2012

Schindler Sez

If it wasn't for my sweet tooth...I wouldn't have a fat head.

An Irish Prayer
Schindler is a German name,
Of that I'm proud to say,
Except for just one time a year,
and that's St. Patty's Day.

O"Schindler is me name that day,
And I'll drink a jar or four,
But when I'm with my friend O'Carroll,
He always buys me more.

Saint Patrick if you're looking down,
A prayer for me say,
For O'Carroll passed out on the bar,
And they're asking me to pay.

Up Where

"Hey Jimmie," some wisenheimer yelled, "I've got a question I bet you can't answer."
"There are millions of questions I can't answer, but shoot."
"How far is up?"
"Not too far," I answered, "if it's up yours!"

March 3, 2012

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the fastest path to the cemetery.

The Sack

Dave stopped into the local liquor store and bought a six pack of beer.

"Would you like a sack?" the clerk asked.
"No," Dave answered, "She's not that ugly."

The Pill

The first period just began as Sally, a high school student who is a brunette with a blonde's reputation, told her teacher, "I've got to go to the office and call my mother."
"The class just started. Wait until it's over," replied her teacher.
"But, I got to go to call my mother," she insisted. "She needs to bring me a pill."
"No! Wait until class id over. Jumping out of her chair, she glared at the teacher and shouted in front of the entire class, "Okay, but if I get pregnant...it's your fault!"

The Angel

Last night, I dreamt an angel appeared in my dream and I asked her, "What are you doing here?"
Looking a little confused she answered, "I don't know."
Feeling sorry for her, I said, "Just wing it," so off she flew. I guess that means I'll have to get a new guardian.

February 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you tell someone there are a billion stars in the sky, they'll believe you. But if you tell them the paint's wet, they'll have to touch it.

Facebook

Talk about Facebook. Heck, if I put my face on a book nobody would touch it!

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. On that day, ashes are placed on the forehead of the believers as a sign of repentance for their sins. This practice is followed by many Christian denominations.
As my wife and I were sitting in the Village Inn on Ash Wednesday having dinner, I noticed Digger Phelps, the ex-Notre Dame basketball coach, on TV. On his forehead was a large cross made of ashes. Could it have been that his main transgressions was he didn't win enough games when he was the coach at ND?
Our waitress also had ashes on her forehead, so I asked her, "What do your customers think about your ashes?"
"I think they know what they're for, because they're asking me about them."
Pointing out the obvious, I said, "If they knew what they were for, why would they ask you about them?"

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What is it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 26, 2012

Schindler Sez
What's in fashion...is not always fashionable.

Common Sense 101

Recently, in the Alburquerque, New Mexico, school system, a 13-year-boy was handcuffed and taken to a juvenile center for burping in class. Also, in the same school district, a seven-year-old austistic boy was handcuffed to a chair because he became agitated dring class. I think it is apparent that a bigh part of the problem in our schools is not the kids, but the fact that many of our school asddministrators and educators seem to have flunked Common Sense 101

That's All Folks

I'm so old I can remember when you turned on the TV, it came right on. Now, 60 years later, with all the new technology, when or if I figure out how to turn the darn thing on, by time it comes on, I could have watched a whole cartoon. Be-a, be-a, be-a, that's all folks!

Pondering
When does a pond become a lake?

Somewhere

"Honey," I said to my wife, I looked everywhere and I still can't find my cell phone."
"You didn't look everywhere," she replied, "because it has to be somewhere."
So I looked somewhere and there it was. What a gal!

February 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

We all love to work...as long as we can watch someone else doing it.

The Valentine Shoe

On Valentine's Day,
He took her to dine,
Gave her plenty of chocolates,
and plied her with wine.

Told her she's beautiful,
In a way that was sly,
Cause she never did guess,
He told her a lie.

He was feeling amorous,
And anxious for woo,
But she got sick on the wine,
And threw up on his shoe.

Love Is Never Ending

Love is a wonderful thing; the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!
I wrote the above saying for last Valentine Day's column. I believe it conveyed such a good lesson, I decided to run it again. Love ya!

Schindler Sez
Everybody likes to laugh...but no one likes to be laughed at.

Nuts

In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That's because the audience usually bought peanuts since they were the cheapest snack. In addition, if they didn't like the performer(s), they'd yell, in many cases, obscene comments and throw peanuts at them. Hence, the phrase, "No comments from the peanut gallery," was coined. I just wanted you all to know that, in case I ever use that phrase, you won't think I'm nuts!

The Pot

A recent Gallop Poll showed that 50 percent of the American people favor legalizing pot. I thought I did. But at my age, since I'm going to pot and I don't mean to the bathroom, I'm against pot.

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What's it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 4, 2012

Schindler Sez
Ask for advice, but temper it with common sense and experience.


The Naked Truth

My friend, John sent me an email which said, "Nude Women." Out of pure curiosity of course, I tried to click on the little bar that was labeled, "ENTER HERE." But every time I tried to click on it, it quickly moved to another spot. After a few tries, I realized it was impossible to open. So I sent John an email back, which said, "John, all I wanted was the naked truth, but I couldn't see the bare facts."

A New Wrinkle

Thank God wrinkles are painless...otherwise we'd all be hurting.

Who Hired The Village People?

The U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, said he is concerned about new state laws requiring voters to show photo identification before they can vote. And believe it or not, the Justice Department is reviewing those laws. Let's face it, isn't showing a picture ID the most practical way of insuring that the person trying to vote is the one who's eligible?? This is just another example of the lack of common sense, which seems to be running amok, even in the highest levels of our government. Now do you believe me when i say, "They're not all living in the villages?"

January 21, 2012

Schindler Sez

Once, I thought I was goofy, but I knew better than that.

Together Again

If Napoleon could gather all his bones together...would he still be Bonaparte?

The Crazy Goodbye

After I was told the following story by Sim Hain, I asked him if it was true.
"Who cares?" he replied, "It's a good story. So here goes.
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, the great musician and trumpet player, once had an audience with the pope and when they were done and Satchmo was about to leave, the pope made the sign of the cross with his right hand, blessing him.
After that visit, one of his friends asked him what impressed him the most about the pope.
"Well," Satchmo answered, "He had on this tall, pointed hat, a big fancy robe, this huge ring, and red shoes. But what I dug the most was is crazy goodbye!

The Real Problem

Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional Congress? Forty-five percent of them are lawyers!

January 14, 2012

Schindler Sez
If my body was as thin as my hair...I'd be one skinny dude!

The Itch

I'm an usher at St. Peter's and just before we were about to start down the aisle to take up the collection, my nose started to itch like crazy. As I began to rub it vigorously with the back of my hand, Kelly, a fellow usher, gave me this stare of bewilderment. Bending over, I whispered in her ear, "Thank God, it's my nose that itches!"

Hand Jive

Conversing with and Italian friend of mine, who was gesticulating vigorously as he spoke, I finally posed this question. "Sam, if I cut off your hands...could you still talk?"

The Honest Barber

My barber Skip, gave me too much change back after I paid him this morning. On returning the difference to him, he said, "Thanks for being so honest".
"You're welcome."
"Were honest around here," he said.
"Yeah, if you don't count all the bull crap that you guys drop.

January 7, 2012

Schindler Sez
Old age isn't for wimps...just ask me!

Mother's Fault

Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, "But it's her fault I have a fat head!"

Series-us

There is an old Texan saying, which goes, "Don't mess with Texas." Ha! They're not that tough. It only took some Cardinals and a couple of Louisville Sluggers to whip their butts - and I'm series-us.

No More Junk

According to the Washington Post, the U.S. Postal Service has lost over $8 billion in the fiscal year ending in September, 2011, and will probably for broke. What if we let them go down the tubes? Just think of all the money it would save the taxpayers. Besides, if you're like me, all I get is junk mail and bills; both of which I could do without. And you can put your stamp on that!

December 24, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money talks, but when it does...it usually says goodbye.

For the Birds

"I'm not afraid of death...but this dying bull crap is for the birds.

~85-year-old, Tom Sefton

The Whacker

(The names have been withheld to protect the not so innocent.)

The University of St. __________, had just installed the new Pro Turf surface on its football field. The coach was so happy that he finally got the new turf that now and then he would go out onto the field and lay down, just for the joy of it.
Shortly after the installation, he noticed little pieces of the new turf lying around. Thinking some sort of animal was causing the damage, he instructed on of the student assistants to go out at night with a baseball bat and whack whatever was causing it.
That evening the coach was awakened by his ringing cell. "Coach," the bat boy yelled excitedly, "I found out what's tearing up the turf."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it's Sister __________, president of the University. She's been practicing her golf swing on the new turf with a nine iron."
"Your kidding?"
"No, I'm not kidding! Should I wack her?"

December 17, 2011

Schindler Sez

If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?

Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph's nose was nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.

Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make.
I have to finish my rounds tonight,
Or I'll miss my cookies and cake.

It's the only treat I get to have,
On this eve of spreading cheer,
Since the Mrs. said,
"Don't drive that sled,
If you've been drinking beer!"

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all you lovers of fine literature. God bless and beers to you!

December 10, 2011

Schindler Sez

Change is good. It forces us to adapt and helps to eliminate boredom.

Frosty

If Frosty the Snowman doesn't melt your heart, it must be awfully cold.

The Not-to-Obvious Obvious

I recently read an article in the newspaper where a witness saw a man shoot himself in a parking lot and he was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. It went on to say that the coroner's office was to determine the cause of death. Gee, I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out the obvious. Maybe I should keep my nose out of it, or I'll be accused of shooting off my mouth. Then, there'll probably be another ongoing investigation.

The Crack

Today, in the pew in front of me, there was a big heavy guy wearing jeans and a bomber jacket.
When he bent over to pick something up in the pew in front of him, let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight. Could there be, I wonder, some leaky pipes in heaven? If so, I'm sure this guy could do a crackup job. No ifs ands or butts.

December 3, 2011

Schindler Sez

Don't swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won't get anywhere and in the second, you'll still be all wet.

The Wicked Bible

In 1631, the so called "Wicked Bible," was printed. A competitor bribed one of the printer's, Robert Barker's workers, to leave the word "not" out of the Seventh Commandment. Thus it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." King James I, ordered all copies seized and burned. Unfortunately, a few copies survived and I believe to this very day that that adulterous version still has many followers. But, it's "not" for me to say.

The Tzars (Czars)

Did you know that throughout the entire history of Russia, there were only 24 Tsars? Obama has 32. The Russians are probably wondering why in heaven's name does he need all those Czars. They caused us all kinds of misery and we only had one at a time.

Poor Devils

The average NBA player makes somewhere around $5 million a year. If all you made was $5 million, wouldn't you also want to strike? Maybe we ought to organize.

November 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

I know a guy who is so full of it that if bull crap was music, he'd be a brass band.

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, is called Black Friday. Not because it's a miserable day, or has anything to do with bad luck or the occult. It is actually a very good day. On this frenzied day, shoppers spend so much money that if finally puts the retailers in the black, which means they are now profitable. And believe me, once they go black...they never want to go back.

Classical

As I was leaving St. Peter's this past Sunday morning, I ran into my good friend, Tony Henry.
"Jimmie," he yelled, to get my attention. "I read your book."
"You did?" I asked, thinking, 'Oh boy here it comes.'
"Yeah, it's a classic."
"A classic?"
"Yeah, when you die...you're going to be famous!"
P.S. I wonder how long I'll have to wait to be famous?
P.S.S. I'm in no hurry.

November 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
You don't have to be a turkey to gobble.

The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessing,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressing.

Pass me please,,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
and honey baked ham.

Next, the mashed potatoes,
They'll fill my plate,
Quick pass the gravy,
I can hardly wait.

I ate too much,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm about to burst, but,
Please pass the pie.

November 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
Nobody likes to eat crow.

I Agree

Today, when I asked a friend of mine, "How are you?" he answered, "I'm good. I used to say I was pretty good, but now at my age, I know I'm not that that pretty, so I just say, "I'm good."
"I don't want to be disagreeable,"I said, so I agree."

The Undershirts

I bought some sleeveless undershirts like the men used to wear in the 1920s, '30s, and '40s, but I wasted my money. Why? Because I can't wear them. Every time I put one on, I have this irresistible urge to beat my wife.

Stupid

I think I told you once before that whenever I see a driver in front or beside me doing something stupid, if I have a chance, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like. Usually they meet my expectations. I quit doing that. since it happened so often, I got tired of looking at stupid.