November 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
Something is better than nothing!

Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter to me," the customer replied, "I'm bi-sacksual!

In Reverse

Dan was having dinner with his buddy, John, and his wife, Sue, when the conversation turned to women."Women, "Dan said, "are trouble."
"You better reverse that," Sue, snapped.
"Okay,"Dan replied, "Trouble are women."

Can you believe she said this"

"We have to pass the bill (Obama Care), so you can find out what's in it."
--Nancy Pelosi

November 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you take enough steps, you'll get there.


That Smarts

I'm going in for hernia surgery Friday and frankly I'm a little concerned whenever anyone is cutting that close to my manhood. What if the scalpel slipped? Uhooo, I bet that smarts!

The Turkeys

No matter how many turkeys are consumed on Thanksgiving, there will always be plenty to go around. Why...I'll bet you even know a few!

The Cocky Wife

A lady friend once told me, "My husband rules the roost, but I rule the rooster."
Hmmmm, I thought to myself, maybe that's why she's so cocky.

November 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
We believe what we perceive.

The Watch

Cable TV is becoming so expensive that in may cases it cost more than a car payment, which makes me ask, "Is it worth the watch?"

Go Figure

Obama wants everyone to prove they're insured, but they don't have to prove they're citizens. Go figure!

Nameless

Carol, being a dutiful niece, went to see her Aunt Mildred, who was suffering from Alzheimer's and was now in a nursing home. "Do you know who I am?" she asked auntie upon entering her room.
"If you don't know who you are, how do you expect me to know who you are? Hell, I don't even know who I am!"

November 6,2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to wear shoes to tie one on.

The Silent Prayer

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The English Lesson

Indiana State Police Officer, Andy, pulled over a young lady whose license plate light was not working. When she rolled down her window, he detected a strong smell of marijuana. Upon searching her vehicle, he found an ample supply of the weed. The perpetrator's first name, according to her driver's license was Le-a, so Andy said, "Well Le-a, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown."
"My name's not Le-a, it's Le-dash-a. The dash ain't silent, fool!"
With a big grin, Andy thought to himself, it isn't every day I get a free English lesson.

A Doggie's Tale
If your dog's fat...you're not getting enough exercise.

Anonymous

October 30, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's a rare bird that does something for nothing.

Never Never

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket, unless you know how much they're going to take.

The Wiener!

As I was enjoying lunch at the Coney Island hot-dog stand, my waiter came over and asked how I liked my dogs.
"They're wieners," I replied.
He looked at me, shook his head as he walked away and didn't even smile. I guess he didn't think it was that bun-ny.

Wise Words

It's alright to help those who can't...but not those who won't.
Thomas K (only) Hurst

October 23, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't have it...don't spend it.

RPMs

My wife, Fry, asked me why there is a huge RPM gauge in most cars, which, if the truth were known, the majority of drivers have no idea what it means, or what it is for. I know it means revolutions per minute. But, how many revolutions should it be doing at any given time, is still a mystery to me and I'm sure to a lot of other folks.
After discussing how many people really didn't know what it's for, Fry, to prove a point, called Irene, her 88-year-old mother, and asked if she knew what it meant. "Heavens, no," Irene answered, "I don't even turn the radio on."

When

When did a caramel become a care-a-mel?

Compromise

A compromise is an agreement where neither party gets what they wanted.

--Anonymous

October 16, 2010

Schindler Sez
Sometimes it's better to bite your tongue than to tell the truth!

A Fool's Drink

"Gin is a fool's drink. "When I was young," Jim reminisced, "I thought it made me smart, strong, and a stud. But, in actuality, it made me weak, stupid, and a dud."

The Path to Nowhere

Be true to yourself and follow your own path. Whenever you abandon your faith and beliefs and blindly follow the herd that has no idea what it's doing or where it's going, it will definitely take you down the road of sorrow and regret.

Calling

Calling an illegal foreigner an "Undocumented Immigrant," is a little bit like calling a drug dealer an "Unlicensed Pharmacist."

October 9, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's not how long you talk, it's what you say that counts!

Better Quit

My friend, Ed, whom I haven't seen for two or three years, dropped in for a visit and after the usual greetings, I said, "Ed, you look great. How old are you now?
"I'm eighty-four."
"Eighty-four." I repeated, somewhat amazed at how young he looked.
Then, noticing me glance at the cigarette between his fingers, he held up his hand, flicked the ash off the butt, took a big drag and said with a smirk, "Yeah, I guess I better quit, cause I sure as hell don't wanna die young."

The Idiots
Every village used to have one...now they're all in Congress!

Too Busy

The problem with retirement is...you can never take a day off.

--Jerry Henry Sr.

Schindler Sez
Sometimes when people say, "No problem," there is.

Prince Poppycock

After watching, "America's Got Talent," and discussing Prince Poppycock's performance, my eighty-eight-year-old mother-in-law, Irene, said, "I couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl."
"Don't worry," I replied, "I'm not sure he knows."

The Nose Knows

My twenty-five-year-old daughter, Rachel, said, "Dad, you've sure got a big nose."
"It wasn't quite this big when I was young" I replied. "You know your nose keeps growing as you age."
"Dad," she answered, "I just looked at your wedding picture, and you had a big nose then."

Wise Words

If you think something small can't make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.
--Anonymous

September 25, 2010

Schindler Sez
A gloomy day dampens the spirit.

The Miracle

This past Sunday at St. Peter's, attendance was rather sparse when Mass began. A minute or two later, my son, Jimmie, and his wife, Katie, came in and sat next to me. Whispering into Jimmie's ear, I said, "I just prayed to God to send over some more sinners because there's plenty of room, and in you walked"!

Entitlement

The only thing anyone is entitled to...is what they work for.

Pherd

Pherd, an elderly gentleman, was having a little difficulty walking. This Sunday he came to church using a cane.
"Pherd," I asked, "Does that cane make you able?"

September 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

If courtesy is contagious...a lot of people still haven't caught it!

Harry and the Manure

At least 50 years ago, someone told me the following story about President Harry (give em hell) Truman. I really don't know if it's true or not, but it's a damn good story. During a speech to a bunch of farmers, President Truman encouraged them to use plenty of manure to insure a good harvest. After using the term manure several times, the lady sitting next to his wife Bess, whispered in her ear. "Can't you get him to say fertilizer instead of manure?"
"Goodness gracious," Bess replied, "If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say manure."

The Fortunates

Fortunate is the man who makes more money than his wife can spend. Extremely fortunate is the woman who marries such a man.

September 11, 2010

Schindler Sez

Generally speaking, we don't hear the things we don't to hear.

The Fuzz

My old buddy, Joe Jauregui, and I went into the West End restaurant for lunch. When our waitress brought us our drinks, it looked like she was trying to pick something off the table.
"What are you doing,?" I asked.
"Oh, I'm just trying to pick some fuzz off the table."
"Good," I replied. "I hate fuzz...especially when it's in my navel."

Another Wives Tale

I's practically impossible to snore with your mouth closed. Could that be the reason so many wives tell their husbands to keep their mouths shut?

Wise Words
In the race for quality there is no finish line.
Greek Proverb

September 4, 2010

Schindler Sez

Thank God for computers. For without them, who would we blame our screw-ups on?

Close To

Whenever someone ask Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to and I'll get you there."

The Investor's Creed

When the stock market's up, he's a genius.
When the market's down, his broker's an idiot.

Ta-Ta's

There is a T-shirt business called Save The Ta-Ta's. I assume the owners thought the name, Ta-Ta's, would be titillating enough to get everyone's attention...especially the men's.

August 28, 2010

Schindler Sez

If a lot of folks could see their rear view, they wouldn't wear tight pants.

The Signs

While driving over to our son's house, I asked my wife, Fry, "Why do stop signs have eight sides when I only have two?"
Staring at me, with a you-can't-be-serious-look, she said, "That's about the stupidest thing you've ever said. It's like asking, why are railroad signs round, when your head's square?"
Hmmm, I thought, maybe that's why my hat won't fit!'

Beer & Happiness

"Beer is proof that God loves and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

It is

It is what it is, because it's not what it was. However, if it is what it was, it couldn't be what it is.

August 21, 2010

Schindler Sez

The unexpected always happens when you don't expect it.

The Ghost

I attended Catholic schools many many years ago, when I was a kid. Back then, our prayers always started with, "In the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen." A few years ago, the Holy Ghost was replaced by the Holy Spirit. I never could figure out why the church changed it. After all, don't you think the "Ghost" would scare the devil out of a lot more sinners than the "Spirit"?

Two Concerns

Most Politicians have two main concerns. The first is to get elected, or re-elected, and the second is to enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense. Why do you think they spend thousands, if not millions to get (re)elected?

The Happy Organ

The kidney must be the happiest organ in the body. After all, isn't it the only one that gets stoned?

August 14, 2010

Schindler Sez

The problem with being average is...it's so common!

The Unspoken Truth

One should always be able to speak the truth. However, nowadays a lot of folks are reluctant to do so if the truth is not considered politically correct. Suppressing the truth in favor of political correctness has been instrumental in spawning many despotic, socialistic, and fascist societies. And we all know what happened to them. Finally, what is oft-times considered "politically correct," is not always "correct."

A Wife's Duty

I think every housewife believes it's her duty to teach her husband humility. And if at first they don't succeed, as the old saying goes, "They try, try again!"

New Lows

Whenever one's hormones or testosterone affect one's thinking process...logic and common sink to new lows. Just ask me!

July 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
It looks like the Tiger isn't out of the Woods yet.

The Fun Party

Wouldn't the "Tea Party have a lot more fun if they changed their name to the "Long Island Ice Tea Party?" Why, even I'd join!

Partnership

When I was in the seventh grade an old farmer who lived next door gave me this advice. I can still recall it, even though at the time I didn't understand what he meant and I wondered why he was telling it to me. He said, "Son, always remember partnership is a poor ship to sail!" How I wish I had listened to that old man, because it could have saved me a lot of rough sailing!

Nine Months

When I was around 65 years old, I gave my wife my best sexy look and boastfully announced, "Were going to have one more kid."
Giving me her best you must be nuts look, she replied, "We are?"
"Yeah...nine months from tonight!"

August 7, 2010

Schindler Sez

When people start to slow down as they approach a green light fearing it'll turn red, they're usually right.

Only in California

Did you ever listen to the clueless people Jay Leno questions on the sidewalks of California? Obviously, they couldn't find the bathroom if they had the floor plan. And those suckers vote! Oh, my God...that's how she got elected!

A Generational Thing

Maybe it's just a generational thing (which usually means anyone over 50 is a clueless old fart), but whenever I get a new electronic device like a camera, TB, camcorder, or whatever, after studying the manual I'm still lucky if I can turn the damn thing on.
I know these devices are a lot more complex than they used to be, which obviously makes them much harder to operate. However, I'd be willing to wager that a good number of the special features are never used.
I'm sure if these electronic gadgets were simplified, and have just an on/off button, one to record, view, reverse, and delete, they'd sell a lot more of them. Not only to older folks, but also to quite a few younger people who are like me, technically challenged. Thank God, I have kids that can show me how those damn things work. Otherwise, technically speaking of course, I'd be an ignoramus!
Please...no comments from the peanut gallery.

July 24, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you're out of your league...don't play the game.

Squish

Since we've eradicated almost all of the wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other predators, just think how many raccoons, possums, skunks, and who knows what else we'd have, if it weren't for the greatest predator of them all...the automobile. And that's flat out the truth. Squish!

Holly's Sideburns

Holly just got a new hairdo, and for some reason the beautician pulled two strands of hair down along the front of her ears. When I first saw her,I thought they resembled Elvis' sideburns. So naturally, being an insensitive slob, I said, "Why the sideburns?"
That evening when she went home, she asked her husband, Steve, "Do you know what Jimmie said to me today when he saw my new hairdo?"
"No, what?" Steve answered. He said, "Why the sideburns?
"Well, " Steve replied, "I was wondering when you're going to shave."

July 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

Lary Knows Lary

"Lary," his friend, Pizzie, asked, "have you ever been married?"
"Nope," Lary answered, "I'm not that stable."

The Country Conception

One Sunday, in a small rural, Indiana town, Jerry dropped into his son Dave's house for a visit. After jawing for awhile, they decided to go get some more beer. Somewhere outside of town, on a dusty, remote, country road, Jerry pulled over and just sat there.
"Why did ya pull over her for, dad? Do you have to go?"
"No, son, I just wanted you to see where you were conceived. But don't tell your mother I showed ya."

More Wise Words

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have."

--Thomas Jefferson