June 12, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you want to see your worst picture, look at your driver's license.

The Author

My baptismal name is James Arthur Schindler. However, since I have written two books and am currently writing a couple of newspaper columns, my wife now calls me James Author. "But," she warned me, "don't let it go to your head, it's already fat enough!"

The Good Kisser

Even though his ratings sucked, NBC paid Conan O"Brien something like $32.5 million to leave, and Conan griped that NBC gave him the short end. I wish someone would mistreat me like that. If they did, instead of complaining, I'd kiss their derriere. And my wife says I'm a pretty good kisser, in case anyone wants to take me up on the offer and give me $32.5 million.

A Dark Condition

People who text while driving, are indubitably suffering from that rapidly growing condition called uppis.

June 5, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't try...nothing happens.

Before, During, or After?

As I was having breakfast with my old Decatur friends, Bob Cook, who will turn 90 this month; Sim Haines, who is 85; and Joe Jauregui, who is only 73, Sim mentioned that tonight a really good movie "Broken Trail," was going to be on TV. "It's four hours long, he went on, looking at Bob. "So you'd better take a nap."
"Before, during, or after?"Bob quipped with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin.

A German Fry

My wife's maiden name is Freistroffer, and her first name is Fry. It really is! But, I want you all to know she's not a French Fry, she's a German Fry.

Twice

"I made a mistake once."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I got married twice!"

May 29, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's always easy...when you know how!

The Thinker

A few years ago there was a popular slogan, "Think before you drink." So when a preacher ran into a young man who just stumbled out of a bar, he said, "Son, did you ever hear the slogan, "Think before you drink?"
"I am thinking," the young man answered slurring his words.
"You are?" questioned the preacher man.
"Yeah, I'm thinking about having one more...before I have another."

Not Another

I must admit that I enjoy life, like to kid around and am kind of a funny guy. So today, when my office manager, Holly, told a corny joke, my son, Jimmie, looked at me and said, "Dad, she's turning into you."
"Oh God," I replied, "I hope not. I couldn't stand another me!"

Definition

Uppis: what a person is suffering from when he goes around with his head uppis derriere.

May 22, 2010

Schindler Sez

I don't care what they say or write about me, as long as they spell my name right. And it doesn't start with Shi, even though that might suit some people to a "t".

You go, Uncle Milty!

There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Or, as Uncle Milty (Milton Berle) so wisely put it, "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

No Principals

One day, shortly after my sister-in-law, Mary Keefer, was appointed principal of Bishop Luers High School, I called her to congratulate her on her new position. "Mary," I said, "Congratulations! I didn't know you had any, and now you are one!"

I'm Here

Sometimes when I'm at a restaurant, the server will deliver the food, set it down, and say, "There you go."
I then reply, "Where do I go? I thought I was here!"

www.jamesaschindler.com

May 15, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't teach what you don't know!

The Lousy Excuse

We've all heard the excuse, "I don't have time," which really means I don't want to do it. But isn't it strange how people can always find the time to do the things they want to do?

Not So Fast Doc

About 10 years ago, my 13-year-old, Rachel went in for back surgery. A few minutes before she was to be wheeled into the operating room, Dr. Buchholz came in to explain the procedure to us. He told us what he was going to do, and then said that the surgery usually took about three hours. He also explained that since Dr. La Salle was going to assist him, he felt that he would be finished in about an hour and a half. Rachel was listening intently, but when he said that, she raised her head off the cart, looked at the good doctor and said, "Dont rush it!"

A Clean Ending

If all the paperwork in the world was put on highly absorbent sheets, two ends could be served!

May 8, 2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own the tree...to enjoy the fruit!

Baustin and the Cop

In Lima, Ohio, there is an intersection which has a sign reading "no left turn," since turning left meant that you'd have to cross a five-lane highway. However, Angie looked both ways and, seeing no traffic, or cops, decided to save time and made a left turn. In a matter of seconds, she heard the wail of a siren and saw flashing lights in her rearview mirror.
As soon as the patrolman approached her car, Baustin, her four and a half year-old-son, yelled, "Are we going to jail?"
The trooper chuckled and said, "No, son, I just want to talk to your mother." On getting the information he needed, he returned to his squad car.
A couple of minutes later, as the patrolman again approached the perpetrator's car, Baustin excitedly shouted out the window, "Are we going to be on "Cops"?"

Not Enough

I know a guy who wanted a job as a census taker, but he didn't have enough fingers.

May 1, 010

Schindler Sez
I know an old grouch who is about as happy as he's never been.

That's Fair

Life isn't always fair and sometimes bad things do happen to good people. But overall, more good things happen to the good than to the bad, and more bad things happen to the bad than to the good...and that's fair!

Three Steps to Professional Excellence

Be well groomed and dress appropriately.
Act like a professional in your speech an mannerisms.
Continuously learn as much as possible about your profession.

Grandma Knows

"My goodness, Joe," Grandma said, "You sure are losing your hair."
"Grass doesn't grow on a race track," Joe answered.
"Right," Grandma replied, "and it doesn't grow on a cement block, either!"

April 24, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't believe there are a lot of idiots out there, you haven't been driving much!

David

On TV, a few months ago, it showed the renowned, seventeen foot marble statue of the nude David by Michelangelo. One of the observers was a young boy about six years old. Upon viewing the statue, he said, "Gee dad, it looks like he just came out of the water!"

The Good Investment

When Tom told Max, he lent Larry fifty bucks, Max said, "Are you nuts? He's borrowed money from everyone in town. You can kiss that fifty bucks goodbye."
"Oh no," Tom responded. That's the best money I've ever spent!"
"How do you figure?" Max wanted to know.
"Because I'll never see that son-of-a-bitch again!"

There Egos
A man who is satisfied with himself doesn't need an ego.
--Thomas (K only) Hurst

Why

Why do they put turn signals on cars when nobody uses them?
--Joey

April 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

We all have flaws. I'd tell you mine...but it would take too long!

Bed Head

Today's disheveled men's hairstyles seem to be all the fashion. However, when I grew up in the 1940s and '50s, we called those styles exactly what they seemed to be...bad cases of "bed head."

Almost Ready

Did you ever notice that when the wife says, "Okay, honey, I'm ready, (meaning she's ready to leave), she's not? What she truly means is she'll be ready sometime in the near future!

The Chile Bowl

Five-year-old Nathan was listening to his mother tell her friend about Margie's forthcoming nuptials.
"Where is she getting married?" her friend asked.
"In Chile."
"Chile?"
"Yes, Chile."
"Wow," Nathan said in awe, "they really must have a big bowl!"

Can't never did noth'n!

April 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you never had any bad times...you've never lived.

I'll Kill Ya

Rachel's dad was 50 years older than she was. Several times she told him that he better not die before she got married, because she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. One day, when the subject again came up, she blurted out, "Dad, you better not die before I get married...or I''ll kill ya!"

By Hook or by Crook

Because a politician got elected doesn't mean that he/she was the smartest or most qualified candidate. It just means that , either by hook or by crook, they got the most votes.

The Tiger

It's a jungle out there...even for the "Tiger," and I ain't lion.

Larry's Definition
Viagra: a combination of Miracle Grow and Fix a Flat.

Sneezles

When most people sneeze, they sneeze once or twice. Some folks sneeze tow or three times. Anyone who sneezes more than that obviously has the sneezles!

April 3, 2010

Schindler Sez
Truth: a word foreign to most politicians.

The Nice Trooper

Indiana State Trooper Andy was taking a young man to jail for DUI. "You sure a nice guy," the intoxicant said.
"What makes you say that?" Andy asked.
"Cause you didn't faser me."
"You mean taser?"
"No man, Faser, that's what we call it in the hood."
"What's your name?" Andy asked.
"James Bond."
"James Bond; are you sure?"
"Yes sir, that's my name. Boy, you sure are nice. The last time I got arrested I didn't have my ID, and when I told the cop my name was James Bond, he hit me with his flashlight."
"Well," Andy joked, "I guess he was lucky you didn't put his light out!"

March Madness
March madness is driving me nuts!

March 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
A lot of women will do almost anything...except clean the house!

Can I Go?

A lady friend excitedly told me that she was going to New York City on a bus trip with a group of women this weekend.
"Are you going to the opera?" I asked.
"No."
"To a Broadway play?"
"No."
"Sightseeing?" "
"No, we're going shopping."
"Shopping? You mean you're going all the way to New York to go shopping?"
"Yeah, you can get Coach Purses really cheap there."
"What does the trip cost?"
"It cost 350 bucks. That's for the bus and hotel."
"Does that include meals?"
"No, we have to buy them."
"Let me get this straight," I said, somewhat puzzled. "You mean to tell me you're going to spend three days and 350 bucks plus, to save 30 bucks on a purse?" Sounds like a real deal to me. Can I go along?"

March 20, 2010

Schindler Sez

Too many people live lives of faded, unfulfilled dreams!

Twenty Minutes

A few days ago I stopped off at the pharmacy to get a prescription for an old friend. The paharmist took one look at it and said, "This'll take about 20 minutes."
"Twenty minutes? Doesn't that come pre-packaged?"
"Yesssss."
"Then just hand me the package, and I'll pay and be on my way."
"But I have other orders ahead of you."
"Other orders," I said, looking around. "There's no one else here!"
With a scowl on his face, the pharmacist took my prescription and disappeared behind the counter.
But I have to admit he was right. It took 20 minutes!

The Badge
A Rolex is a badge of insecurity.
Thomas K. (only) Hurst

March 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
Rich is when you don't have to work,
and still have enough money to live comfortably.

The Unfashionable Designers

Fashion is a matter of opinion, personal preference, and taste. Just because some New York, tinkle toed designer doesn't care for a particular type of clothing, doesn't mean it's not in good taste or stylish. Have you ever noticed how some of those fashion gurus look and dress? Enough said!

Not Anywhere

Louie was having dinner with his wife at their favorite restaurant, Bandido's, when she noticed that he had slopped salsa all over the front of his shirt.
"Look at you," she said disgustedly, "your shirt is a mess. It's embarrassing!"
"Sorry," he answered, "I guess i just cant take myself anywhere."

A Fairy Tale?

Is the global warming story just another fairy tale?

March 6, 2010

Schindler Sez

It's hard to have a sunny disposition on a rainy day.

If you think the poem on the following blog is too taxing, you ain't seen noth'n yet.

Death & Taxes
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tas his ties, and tax his shirt.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his income, tax his cash.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,
Taxes drove him to his doom.
And when he's gone, he can't relax,
He still must pay inheritance tax!