Never

Almost every morning some of my old friends get together at a local restaurant and tell fish stories. You know…stories that get bigger and bigger every day.

He’s Over There

Glen Beck was calling convenient stores to see how astute the employees were. On one call, he asked the girl answering the phone where Benghazi was. “I don’t know,” she replied, “you can probably find him at Walmart.”`

Who’s He

Research by the University of Gothenburg in Sweden, has shown that women prone to anxiety and easily stressed out, were twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s. So ladies, calm down and be nice to your husbands, or the day may come when you won’t know him. Or is that a good thing?

Schindler Sez

A lot of people go on about things they know nothing about.

The Ombudsman

Ninety- year-old Sim, went to the courthouse to talk to the woman who was recently appointed ombudsman. On seeing a young lady walking down a hallway, he said, “Excuse me pretty lady, are you the ombudsman?”

“No,” she replied, “I’m a Hockemeyer.”

The Picture.

In the fashion world, the color orchid is all the rage. To me it looks like purple. But we all know an orchid dress is perceived to be a lot classier and therefore more expensive than a purple one. Ladies, I hope you don’t have to look at the Mona Lisa to get the picture here.

O’Schindler

O”Connolly, McGuire and me,

In a pub, having a jar, just we three.

“Are you Irish,” they asked,

As they passed me the flask,

“I’m as Irish as O’Schindler can be!”

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to O’Connolly, McGuire, and ye.

An Irish Cheer

Let’s give the Irish a cheer,

For shamrocks, corn beef and green beer.

And to St. Patty I say,

Drive the snakes all away,

But please, leave the good people here.

Schindler Sez

The difference between the shanty Irish and lace curtain Irish is about thirty thousand a year.

Greed

I have never understood why it is “greed” to keep the money that you worked hard for, but not greed to want to take somebody else’s money.

~Thomas Sowell

The Eye Has It

 I supposed you noticed that Matthew McConaughey, Rob Lowe, and other prominent Stars are now doing TV commercials. Some say they do it to keep a high profile and to keep them in the public eye. That may be true…but I’m sure they really  keep their eye on the dough.

Still

I told my wife that I could replace her with a two dollar gizmo.

“What’s that?” she asked, glaring at me.

“A back scratcher.”

She didn’t think that was as funny as I did…but we’re still married!

The Ban

Some states are legalizing marijuana while talking about banning cigarettes. This only makes sense to pot heads and politicians. We know the pot heads rational, but what’s the politicians? I could give you the answer…but my publishers won’t print it.

A Long Liver

A TV announcer claimed a study found that men who look at women’s breasts live longer than men who don’t. Gee, I don’t know if I want to live that long!

Schindler Sez

If you want people to look up to you…don’t look down on them.

Series-ously

The reason San Francisco won the World Series is because Giants have bigger clubs than Royals…which drove Kansas City batty.

Clowns

 A Chapman University Survey on American fears, concluded that Democrats are almost twice as likely as Republicans to fear bugs, snakes and other animals. They are also more fearful of needles, blood, ghosts and clowns. Clowns? You mean they’re afraid of themselves?

Un-teachable

 If I could only figure out how to teach what is unteachable, (common sense), I’d be the richest man in the universe.

Wore Black

Prior to the mid-1900s, whenever someone died, all the mourners usually wore black. And even though everyone wore black…there wasn’t a ghost of a chance that the corpse would come back!