The Haters

Ninety percent of all women haters…are women!

Afraid

There was a big bully from Feif,
Whose bullying was a source of much strife.
He feared not a man,
Including Uncle Sam,
His only fear was of his wife.

No More Tricks

At our recent class of 52’ get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
“Are you going to do any more tricks?” Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
“No,” Carl replied. “The first one didn’t go over too good!”

Schindler Sez

Why can’t I remember what I forgot?

I’m Stick’n to it!

Did you know the Earth gets heavier every day due to falling space dust? That’s my excuse!

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did it mean he was a lousy catch or she was?

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down at the bar. “Kim,” I yelled at the bartender, “throw me a towel. This table needs to be wiped off.”
"I’ll get it,” she said from behind the bar.
“Just throw me the towel. I’m a pretty good wiper, and I can prove it.
“You can?”
“Yeah, my briefs are spotless.”

Schindler Sez

Over time, truth triumphs!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. I assume they’re either stupid, inconsiderate, texting or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a masouse?
-Bob Cook

The Wet Bike

Three year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet. “What happened?” he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, “Bike went potty.”

Schindler Sez

What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
“Why do they call it Cyber Monday?” I asked.
“It’s the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the internet.”
“Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?”
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cybersex and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?” I again asked. We then asked Mike, his partner, and he didn’t know. That’s strange; I thought to myself. Most barbers think they’re experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, “I don’t know,” puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by-the-way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That’s according to Dan “the Man,” Webster.

No Pew

I went to a service at a new church today, and it didn’t have the traditional style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners don’t want to sit in their pew?

Schindler Sez

It’s not the size of one’s head that counts…it’s what’s in it.

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area…I’m not tired.

The Bread Man

 It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn’t the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with. 

If I had a hundred dollars and saved some more money, wouldn’t I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn’t I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means to sell the gullible a bill of goods while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I’d save so much dough; they’d call me the bread man!

Schindler Sez

If I learned from all my mistakes…I’d be pretty damn smart!

Lent

To Mass on Sunday he went.
To pray for his sins and repent.
When he caught her eye,
As she slowly walked by,
He didn’t repent until Lent,

Mother’s Day

On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren’t for ma,
You wouldn’t be here!

Twits?

Are those who tweet on twitter…twits?

Gina

After talking to Gina, our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, “Gina are you Italian?”
“No, I’m three-quarters Indian.”
“Indian? Like American Indian?”
“Yeah.”
“Do they still wear loin cloths?” I jokingly asked.
“Sure, they have nothing to hide.”

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe.
If you don’t stick your neck out, you’re not going to get anywhere.

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded…but tender hearted.
-An olde saying

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we’re old?

iPads

Are iPads sanitary?

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)
Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa’s panties, she walked into the kitchen.
“Look at these,” Matt said, holding her panties up, “these suckers could sail a ship.” Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt’s house for many a day.

Schindler Sez

A wound from a cutting remark…never heals.

The Chair

He recently asked me to be,
On the board of the electric company.
I replied, “Thank you sir,
But I shall politely defer,”
Cause the straps on that chair might fit me.

Schindler Sez

Even a fish wouldn’t get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!

A Huge Celebration

If “April Fool’s Day,” was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating! Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I’m following a huge four-wheel drive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail’s pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, is was a four-wheel drive SUV. This got me wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they’d probably call their mommies!

Change

I know I’m getting older but thank God at my age I don’t have to change…but that depends.

A Great Day

I went to the hospital to see my old friend Bob Cook, who had a serious heart problem and was in the coronary care unit. “Bob,” I said, “how ya’ feeling?”
“Oh, I feel pretty good now, but yesterday I had a great day.”
“You did?”
"Yeah, Tom Sefton, my undertaker, came up for a visit and he left without me!”

Just and Reasonable

An airline’s main business is transporting people from one location to another. Anyone with a brain knows this is accomplished by selling seats. Consequently, if a person, for whatever reason, needs two seats, why shouldn’t he/she pay for them? If one requires more than one seat, how can that be prejudice if they have to pay for what they use? After all, isn’t it just and reasonable to conclude that…if you use it…you must pay for it? Finally, if they don’t pay for the seats, other passengers will eventually be charged more to make up for the lost revenue, and that is neither just nor reasonable!

Schindler Sez

At least 90 percent of all convicts are innocent. If you don’t believe me…ask them!

Why?

If you’ve got minimum skills, minimum education and make a minimum contribution to the workplace and society, why in the hell should someone be forced to pay you more than the minimum?
~Anonymous

An Idiotic Question

If every village only has one, how can there be so many on the highways?

Next To

Whenever someone asks Lary for directions, he replies, “Don’t give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it’s close to, and I’ll get you there.”

Nuuuns!!!...Nuuuns!!!

My son, John was five in the summer of 1970, and one of his favorite TV programs was “The Flying Nun.” One sunny day, as he was sitting on the porch at our house on Second St. in Decatur, two nuns from St. Joseph’s Catholic School (they still dressed in the full length black habits back then) came walking by. As soon as John spotted them, he jumped off the porch and ran after them shouting, “Nuuuns…nuuuns!” They turned around, saw this little boy coming lickety-split towards them and waited for him to catch up. As soon as he did, he looked up at them and excitedly shouted, “Can you fly?”

Schindler Sez

If you don’t try…nothing happens!

Benjamin Franklin

“A full belly makes a dull brain.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Hugging Aunt Kathryn

Ninety-five year old, Aunt Kathryn, was in St. Joseph’s Hospital, recovering from a hip operation. She was in extreme pain and a little confused and disorientated from all the medication, when my wife, Fry, and I walked into her room. Lynn, her niece, told us she wasn’t feeling to good, and it would probably be better if we kept our visit short.
After Fry had talked to her for a little while, Aunt Kathryn asked me, “Would your wife be upset if you gave me a hug?”
“No, Aunt Kathyrn, I’d be glad to give you a hug,” which I was more than happy to do.
After leaving the hospital, I said to my wife, “It isn’t everyday a ninety-five year old lady asks me for a hug.”
“Yeah,” Fry replied, “You’ve still got it honey!”

Schindler Sez

If you can’t stop…don’t start!

Money Can Buy Happiness

Conventional wisdom says, “Money can’t buy happiness.” But wouldn’t you be a lot happier if you didn’t have to worry about the wolf being at the door? In other words, if you had enough money to pay your bills, send the kids to college, take an annual vacation and have money put away for your retirement?
In a nutshell: conventional wisdom is not always wisdom.

They Can’t Handle Bars

I rode my bike to high school in Decatur, a small Indiana town in early 1950s. Not too many guys had cars. But there were a couple of kids who drove brand new cherry red convertibles and those guys always seemed to get the prettiest girls. This taught me a valuable lesson. Pretty girls don’t like to ride on handlebars!

Cramming

Lisa’s dad, Lyman, retired and is now living the good life in Florida. “I always wondered why so many older folks go to church on Sunday,” he said, “and I finally figured it out.”
“Why?” Lisa wanted to know.
“Shucks, they’re just cramming for the finals!”

Schindler Sez

A lot of people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you really want to hear…and that’s “the truth!”

Four Boxes

The four boxes that keep us free.
The soap box,
The ballot box,
The jury box,
And the cartridge box.
~Anon

Adam blamed Eve…

Adam blamed Eve…Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
A church sign.

Monkeying Around

Arthur was having dinner with his twenty-three-year-old daughter, when the subject of AIDS came up.
“Where did AIDS come from?” she asked dad.
“I heard it come from monkeys.” he answered.
“But, how did the monkeys get it?”
“Probably from monkeying around!”

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financial guru who bilked his friends and clients out of billions of dollars, is now in the slammer for life because he madoff with their money.

Schindler Sez

(When Evan Bayh lost his senatorial race I couldn’t help myself)
Bye Bayh

The Ringer

My wife and I stopped in at Deer Park, Tony Henry’s cozy pub for a beer. After a raucous welcome, he introduced us to the other patrons sitting at the table. “This is Jimmie Schindler and his wife, Fry. “Jimmie, rings the bells at St. Peter’s before mass. Nobody can ring it like him. He’s a real ringer.”
“Tony,” I said, “I don’t care what you call me, as long as it’s not a “dead ringer.”

Lying Eyes

Sometimes, when I go into one of my Bandido’s Mexican Restaurants and see something that isn’t the way it’s supposed to be and the manager or employee says, “I don’t know what happened;  it’s never like that,” I tell them this story.

There was once a man making love to his girlfriend when his wife walked in. As soon as he saw her, he jumped out of bed, ran up to her and said, “Honey, are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?”

Schindler Sez

Do you think a little oinkment would help those who have swine flu?
(Sorry folks, I just couldn’t help myself).

More than One

Many many years ago, when the world was comprised mostly of farms and small rural communities, the dumbest or goofiest person living in each town was referred to as “the village idiot,” It was commonly thought that every village had one.

Today, many folks believe that most communities have a lot more than one! What do you think? Or is that an idiotic question?

The St. Peter Principle

My years as an usher at St. Peter’s Catholic Church have taught me that if you’re late and the church seems packed there’s always room up front!

Judge Bobo

Judge Bobo, a deeply religious man who was well versed in the Bible, was aware that in the Old Testament, Joshua made the sun stand still.

Back during Prohibition, the good judge presided over a court in Decatur, Indiana, and one day a black man, by the name of Joshua, was hauled before him for bootlegging.

“Joshua,” the good-natured judge asked, “Are you the one who made the sun stand?”

“No sir, Mr. Judge, ah’s duh one dat made da moonshine!

Schindler Sez

The best thing about a suicide bomber is…he’ll never have the guts to do it again!

Help Needed

A friend once asked me, “Why do you go to church every Sunday?”

“Well,” I answered, “it’s a little bit like working out. When it’s over, I always feel better. Besides, I honestly believe that it helps me to be a better person and heaven knows I need all the help I can get?”

In Plain English

In the United States, a nation made up of people from every country, culture, and religion in the world, the English language is the common thread that holds us together.

de Seat

In the 1960’s, Ronald Reagan, who was then a movie star and spokesman for the General Electric Company, made a cameo appearance at the Decatur, Indiana, GE. Plant. During that visit, a brief respite was planned at one of the plant executive’s, Roger Schuster’s home.

The neighborhood ladies, anticipating Regan’s arrival, asked Roger’s wife, Irene, what she did to spiff her house up for his visit. “The only thing I did,” she replied, “was to buy a new toilet seat.”

Several years later, when the Schuster’s moved to another city, Irene removed the seat (which Ronnie used) and took it with her. I guess she just didn’t want to part with the memory of de seat! And that’s no crap!

Schindler Sez

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and are wise enough, not to say it!

Bad girls get the guys…

...but only if their good!

The Quiet Woman

Charlie’s mother died, and true to her wishes, he had her cremated. It was a beautiful Indiana summer day when he got a call from the mortuary that his mother’s ashes were ready to be picked up. So he stopped, claimed the urn with her remains and headed to the lake to spend the day.

About halfway there, Charlie looked over at his mother sitting on the front seat and said, “Mom, this is the first time that you ever rode to the lake with me without bitching about my driving.”

Legal

Sixty-three-year old Terry was starting to show his age. He had prostate cancer, the beginning of Parkinson’s disease, and several other maladies. “The problem with getting older,” he told my wife, Fry, “is that I have the whole counter full of drugs…and they’re all legal!”

Schindler Sez

A wise man keeps his wife happy!

Jeff

Jeff was diagnosed with throat cancer, and after extensive surgery and radiation, he was found to be cancer free. On a follow up visit a few months later, after a thorough examination, the good doctor exclaimed, “You’re doing great! No sign of cancer. Are you still smoking?”

“Yeah,” Jeff sheepishly answered.

“Cool,” the doctor responded, “let’s go into the garage and have one.”

Happiness

Happiness has nothing to do with where you are physically, but everything to do with where you are mentally!

No Drive

Prior to World War II, it was fairly common in many small Midwestern towns that a lot of families didn’t own cars and therefore, many folks never learned to drive.

After World War II started, in the early 1940s, Sim Hain, a small town boy from Decatur, Indiana, found himself flying one of the huge, four-engine B24 bombers on missions over theSouth Pacific. Sim flew forty-five missions and had more than a thousand hours of flying time. Consequently, he was a well-seasoned combat pilot.

One particular morning Sim was supposed to pick up the commanding officer (CO) and drive him to his office. After checking out a staff car from the motor pool, Sim showed up at the CO’s quarters with not only a car, but also a driver. When the CO asked him why he brought a driver along, Sim, a little red faced from embarrassment, explained, “Sir, I never learned to drive!”

Schindler Sez

If you want to find out who owns your home…don’t pay your property taxes!

Schindler Sez

If your dog ran away would he be dog-gone?

Dante Alighieri

"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crises."

The Common Sense Rule

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that Obama’s budget will generate an average deficit of about $1 trillion a year, which most economists agree is unsustainable. Obviously, even with his Harvard education, Obama has never learned the common sense rule of fiscal responsibility, which is, if you spend more than you take in…you’re going go broke! Don’t you think our country would be a lot better off if all politicians lived by this common sense rule?

“Global Warming” …Ooops… “Carbon Pollution”

Scientific findings have confirmed the lack of any significant “global warming” in the past 16 years. As a result it’s hard to scare people into doing something about it, if nothing bad is happening. That’s why the White House has again changed the name of “global warming and next then to “climate disruption.” Since “global warming” seems to have stalled and some major scientific players were poo-pooing “climate disruption,” the White House had no choice but to again change the name. Now the most recent name scam is “carbon pollution.” It’s their way of painting carbon dioxide as if it were black soot billowing from industrial smokestacks. Hence the name, “carbon pollution.” In fact, carbon dioxide is actually what we (humans) exhale and is food for trees and plants. Carbon dioxide is also necessary for all life on earth. If there is any pollution, it has to be from the stench in the White House.

Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed…if you do, you are misinformed.

Schindler Sez

Some people enjoy creating recipes…I enjoy eating them.

The Invasion

As of December, 2011, the latest year I could find statistics, there were over eleven million illegals living in the U.S. Hell, that’s not illegal immigration…that’s an invasion! ~Anon

Cool Thinking

The ALS association, which raises money for Lou Gehrig’s disease research, has raised almost $100 million by donors dumping a bucket of ice water over their heads and then contributing to their fund raiser. Even Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, George W. Bush and other celebrities have gotten into the act by dumping ice water over their heads and encouraging others to do the same. I don’t know who thought this gimmick up, but talk about “cool thinking”!

The Fan

A rare 1938 copy of Action Comics first edition of Superman, recently sold for $3.2 million dollars on eBay. Originally it cost ten cents. Quite frankly, I never thought Superman was that super. I’m a Batman fan!

The Gun

In Norridgewock, Maine, after a tree removal crew reported a man with a gun, the swat team rushed out with their assault rifles. The only gun they found was a life size pistol tattooed on his stomach. Still, it wouldn’t surprise me if the anti-gun advocates don’t demand its removal. But I don’t think they’ll have the stomach for it.

Schindler Sez

If Abe’s name was Joe…would he still have been honest?

A While

In London, scientists are growing noses, ears, windpipes and other body parts. So far only a few patients have received one, but researchers are hopeful that before too long, they will be able to transplant other body parts. Don’t get too excited men…that might take quite a while.

Relief

Researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine are blaming Global Warming on the obese because they eat more and cause more greenhouse emissions. To help resolve the problem, I can lend them some of my gas relief tablets. But can I keep a few?

Rolling with Royce

Rolls-Royce is opening a dealership in Cambodia, where the annual average income is just over $1000 per annum.  Boy, they must have really lowered their prices. I think I’ll get one.

Only in America

Only in America…could the rich, (the top 25% of all taxpayers), who pay 86% of all income taxes, be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Schindler Sez

The more difficult the struggle…the sweeter the victory.

The Shaker

One recent study claims that the amount of salt most people consume is okay for heart health, but too little may be as bad as too much. Almost everyone agrees that for some people, salt does increase blood pressure.
            A second study estimates that sodium contributes to over a million and a half deaths a year. Now can you tell me how they figured that out? Unless they examine thousands and thousands of cadavers, how in the heck would they know? Thinking they died from this or that doesn’t make it so. However, if they did a few autopsies, the examiner might say, “Yep, he died from too much salt. Has he been swimming in the ocean…or was he a Shaker?”

Hogwash

The Decatur Plan Commission approved putting a 9000 head hog farm near the town of Pleasant Mills. I bet you never saw that many hogs in one place…but you don’t have to be a farmer to know a pig when you see one.

Schindler Sez

Even the dumbest kid in the class will pass if he does his homework.

Anonymous

"When people rob banks they go to prison. When they rob the taxpayer they get re-elected."

Today

Logic is dead.

Excellence is punished.

Mediocrity is revered.

This is present day America.

Henry Cate VII

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

Schindler Sez

If one’s tacky…would he also be ticky?

The Truck

The other day I was looking at some pictures of me when I was a young man. Then I looked in the mirror. My god, I thought, “What happened?” It must have been a big truck!

The Good Book

Do you know how to judge a book? If you hate to put it down and can’t wait to pick it up, that’s a good book. Personally, whenever someone picks up one of my books, at ten bucks each, that never puts me down. Of course my wife and my old high school classmate, Mary Ann, think they’re pretty damn good books. And since I’m an agreeable guy, I agree with them.

The Brainy Computer

Recently, some researchers claimed the brain is like a computer. The more stuff you put into it, the longer it takes to retrieve. This tells me that most of the information I put into my brain over the past eighty years is still in there. Now I wonder if I can get it out before I check out.

Munchies

As most marijuana users know, when they smoke pot they get the munchies. Researchers have found that tetrahydrocannabinol, an ingredient in marijuana, triggers hunger. Is that why there are so many pot bellies?

Schindler Sez

Plumbers crack me up.