May 19, 2012

Schindler Sez

            As long as you can still see the green side of the grass, you’re doing just fine.

Definition

Excuses: attempts to justify failure.

Where to Go

While talking to a friend of ours, she happened to mention she was the youngest of nine kids.

My wife, Fry, then mentioned that I was also the youngest of nine. “And he’s the only one living. Isn’t that strange?”

“Yeah,” I chimed in. “The good Lord doesn’t want me yet and the Devil won’t have me. So if any of you good folks are tempted to tell me where to go…I want you all to know I can’t go there.” Thank you Jesus!

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

                                                                                                                                    ~Anonymous

Stinks

            If you start your own business and succeed, you are an entrepreneur. However, if you fail you are an entremanure. And let me tell you, I’ve been called both and being a farm boy, I know which one stinks.

May 12, 2012

Schindler Sez

It doesn’t matter which way you go, as long as you get there.

True Love

            76-year-old country music singer, Jerry Lee Lewis, was recently married for the seventh time to his cousin’s ex-wife. Ain’t love grand? I just hope this isn’t his swan song.

The Skivvie on Sim’s Fondest Memory

            During breakfast this morning with my eighty-three-year-old friend, Sim Hain, at the West End Restaurant, I asked him what his fondest memory was of growing up in Decatur, Indiana. Without any hesitation, he said, “It was when I met my wife, Pat. I was a junior in high school and she was a sophomore. We’ve been married sixty-one years.  Why, just this past week, we put on some old records and danced in our Skivvies!”

Real Bread

            Sometimes money is referred to as bread and sometimes it’s referred to as dough. Therefore, isn’t it logical to say that you have to make a lot of dough before you make any bread? But I don’t care if you have a lot of dough or a lot of bread, I’ll be your friend.

May 5, 2012

Schindler Sez

Are hockey fans…puckers?

The Ass

            On Palm Sunday, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on an ass, followed by a procession of his followers, while others laid palms and their cloaks in his path.

            In Pat’s church on that day, a re-enactment of Jesus’ triumphant entry was held. As the procession passed Pat’s pew, Sim, her husband, whispered into her ear, “Where’s the ass?”

            Whispering back into his ear, Pat said, “Sitting next to me.”

Go At It

The University of California psychologists have found that gossip can be therapeutic and make you feel better. So go at it ladies, as if you need any additional encouragement.

The Catcher

            Calvin Johnson, an All-Pro receiver, recently signed an eight year contract with the Detroit Lions for $132 million. Darn! When I was a kid, I should of spent more time catching the football. Just think if it wasn’t for should of, could of or would of, I’d be making a lot of dough.

To all you wonderful mothers out there… Schindler Sez…”Happy Mother’s Day!”

April 28, 2012

Schindler Sez

What’s French about toast?

Is He?

If a comedian tells jokes sitting down, is he still a stand-up comedian?

Think Positive

Having more than one wife, sounds like a horror story to most men. But gentlemen think positive. At least one of them wouldn’t have a headache!

Today’s Lesson

The SNAP Food Benefits (used to be called Food Stamps) administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

            Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, says “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” This may make them grow dependent on handouts and not learn to care for themselves.

Thus ends today’s lesson. Any questions?

June 30, 2012

Schindler Sez 

"Don't be afraid to say:

"I don't know."

"I was wrong."

"I need help."

"I'm sorry."

 The Gift

About two years after Johnny's wife died, he remarried. Months later he took his new bride out to the cemetery to visit his first wife's grave and the plot intended for his final resting place. On the way home, his second wife asked, "Honey, where am I going to be buried?"

"Don't worry," he answered, "I have another plot right next to mine."

As a gift, on their their first anniversary, he gave that plot to his current wife. When the next anniversary rolled around, she said, "Honey, did you forget our anniversary was yesterday?"

"No, why?"

"You didn't get me anything," she replied, with a wounded look."

Hell, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year!"

Independence Day

July the fourth,

I'm proud to say, 

We celebrate,

"Independence Day.

But for many folks,

It's sad to say,

Their final decree.

Was "Independence Day."

Schindler Sez

 June 30, 2012

Schindler Sez

Don't be afraid to say:

"I don't know."

"I was wrong."

"I need help."

"I'm sorry."

 The Gift

About two years after Johnny's wife died, he remarried. Months later, he took his new bride out to the cemetery to visit his first wife's grave and the plot intended for his final resting place. On the way home, she wife asked, "Honey, where am I going to be buried?"
"Don't worry," he answered, "I have another plot right next to mine.
As a gift, on their first anniversary, he gave that plot to his current wife. When their next anniversary rolled around around, she asked, "Honey, did you forget our anniversary was yesterday?
"No. Why?"
"You didn't get me anything." she replied with a wounded look.
"Hell, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year."

 Independence Day

July the fourth,

I'm proud to say,

Independence Day.

But for many folks,

It's sad to say,

Their final decree,

Was their "Independence Day."

March 31, 2012

Schindler Sez

Never worry about making a mistake...everybody makes them.

The Fools

On April Fool's Day,
Many folks try,
To foo their friends
By telling a lie.

If their friends believe them,
They laugh and guffaw,
and act like they're
The biggest fools of all.


The Urinaters

Indiana recently realized that it has $516 dollars more than the state budgeted. Already the inept politicians are lining up, gleefully rubbing their hands together in anticipation of how fast they can piss it away.

On Tape

While driving, I asked my wife, Fry, "Which lane goes straight?"
"The one on the left," she informed me.
"Are you sure?" I replied somewhat skeptical.
On reaching the red light, I said, "You're right, honey."
"Can I get that on tape?"

March 24, 2012

Schindler Sez
Remember when you sit down...to sit up.

Let's Do it Again!

Do you know how lawyers got such a bad reputation? They got it the old fashioned way, they earned it. As a matter of fact, for much of the 1700s, lawyers were banned in many of our colonies. Do you think we could do it again?

The Method

Ramona, a young mother, has two babies about a year apart. A few months after the birth of her second child, she became pregnant with the third.
Wow," her friend Rose exclaimed when Ramona told her the news. "Are you using any kind of birth control?"
"We just use the Rhythm Method."
"And how's that working out for you?"

March 17, 2012

Schindler Sez

A taxpayer's money in a politicians's hand will disappear faster than Houdini.

The Tooter

"You're a smart ass," my wife said.
"I didn't know my ass was smart. Hmmmm, maybe that's why it toots its horn so much."

Green Bananas

At Bandido's Mexican restaurant, Franz, an elderly gentleman, came in for his free birthday dinner.
"Franz," I asked, "How old are you now?"
"Well let me tell you this sonny," he replied, "I'm so old that I don't buy green bananas anymore."

Les Miserables

IN 1960, about 72 percent of all adults over 18 were married. Today, it's slightly over 51 percent. I wonder what happened. Here I thought misery loved company.

March 10, 2012

Schindler Sez

If it wasn't for my sweet tooth...I wouldn't have a fat head.

An Irish Prayer
Schindler is a German name,
Of that I'm proud to say,
Except for just one time a year,
and that's St. Patty's Day.

O"Schindler is me name that day,
And I'll drink a jar or four,
But when I'm with my friend O'Carroll,
He always buys me more.

Saint Patrick if you're looking down,
A prayer for me say,
For O'Carroll passed out on the bar,
And they're asking me to pay.

Up Where

"Hey Jimmie," some wisenheimer yelled, "I've got a question I bet you can't answer."
"There are millions of questions I can't answer, but shoot."
"How far is up?"
"Not too far," I answered, "if it's up yours!"

March 3, 2012

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the fastest path to the cemetery.

The Sack

Dave stopped into the local liquor store and bought a six pack of beer.

"Would you like a sack?" the clerk asked.
"No," Dave answered, "She's not that ugly."

The Pill

The first period just began as Sally, a high school student who is a brunette with a blonde's reputation, told her teacher, "I've got to go to the office and call my mother."
"The class just started. Wait until it's over," replied her teacher.
"But, I got to go to call my mother," she insisted. "She needs to bring me a pill."
"No! Wait until class id over. Jumping out of her chair, she glared at the teacher and shouted in front of the entire class, "Okay, but if I get pregnant...it's your fault!"

The Angel

Last night, I dreamt an angel appeared in my dream and I asked her, "What are you doing here?"
Looking a little confused she answered, "I don't know."
Feeling sorry for her, I said, "Just wing it," so off she flew. I guess that means I'll have to get a new guardian.

February 18, 2012

Schindler Sez

If you tell someone there are a billion stars in the sky, they'll believe you. But if you tell them the paint's wet, they'll have to touch it.

Facebook

Talk about Facebook. Heck, if I put my face on a book nobody would touch it!

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. On that day, ashes are placed on the forehead of the believers as a sign of repentance for their sins. This practice is followed by many Christian denominations.
As my wife and I were sitting in the Village Inn on Ash Wednesday having dinner, I noticed Digger Phelps, the ex-Notre Dame basketball coach, on TV. On his forehead was a large cross made of ashes. Could it have been that his main transgressions was he didn't win enough games when he was the coach at ND?
Our waitress also had ashes on her forehead, so I asked her, "What do your customers think about your ashes?"
"I think they know what they're for, because they're asking me about them."
Pointing out the obvious, I said, "If they knew what they were for, why would they ask you about them?"

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What is it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 26, 2012

Schindler Sez
What's in fashion...is not always fashionable.

Common Sense 101

Recently, in the Alburquerque, New Mexico, school system, a 13-year-boy was handcuffed and taken to a juvenile center for burping in class. Also, in the same school district, a seven-year-old austistic boy was handcuffed to a chair because he became agitated dring class. I think it is apparent that a bigh part of the problem in our schools is not the kids, but the fact that many of our school asddministrators and educators seem to have flunked Common Sense 101

That's All Folks

I'm so old I can remember when you turned on the TV, it came right on. Now, 60 years later, with all the new technology, when or if I figure out how to turn the darn thing on, by time it comes on, I could have watched a whole cartoon. Be-a, be-a, be-a, that's all folks!

Pondering
When does a pond become a lake?

Somewhere

"Honey," I said to my wife, I looked everywhere and I still can't find my cell phone."
"You didn't look everywhere," she replied, "because it has to be somewhere."
So I looked somewhere and there it was. What a gal!

February 11, 2012

Schindler Sez

We all love to work...as long as we can watch someone else doing it.

The Valentine Shoe

On Valentine's Day,
He took her to dine,
Gave her plenty of chocolates,
and plied her with wine.

Told her she's beautiful,
In a way that was sly,
Cause she never did guess,
He told her a lie.

He was feeling amorous,
And anxious for woo,
But she got sick on the wine,
And threw up on his shoe.

Love Is Never Ending

Love is a wonderful thing; the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!
I wrote the above saying for last Valentine Day's column. I believe it conveyed such a good lesson, I decided to run it again. Love ya!

Schindler Sez
Everybody likes to laugh...but no one likes to be laughed at.

Nuts

In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That's because the audience usually bought peanuts since they were the cheapest snack. In addition, if they didn't like the performer(s), they'd yell, in many cases, obscene comments and throw peanuts at them. Hence, the phrase, "No comments from the peanut gallery," was coined. I just wanted you all to know that, in case I ever use that phrase, you won't think I'm nuts!

The Pot

A recent Gallop Poll showed that 50 percent of the American people favor legalizing pot. I thought I did. But at my age, since I'm going to pot and I don't mean to the bathroom, I'm against pot.

Wonderful

Jill, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
Jim, "I'm wonderful."
Jill, "What's it like being wonderful?"
Jim, "I lied. I'm not really wonderful...but my wife says I'm not bad."

February 4, 2012

Schindler Sez
Ask for advice, but temper it with common sense and experience.


The Naked Truth

My friend, John sent me an email which said, "Nude Women." Out of pure curiosity of course, I tried to click on the little bar that was labeled, "ENTER HERE." But every time I tried to click on it, it quickly moved to another spot. After a few tries, I realized it was impossible to open. So I sent John an email back, which said, "John, all I wanted was the naked truth, but I couldn't see the bare facts."

A New Wrinkle

Thank God wrinkles are painless...otherwise we'd all be hurting.

Who Hired The Village People?

The U.S. Attorney General, Eric Holder, said he is concerned about new state laws requiring voters to show photo identification before they can vote. And believe it or not, the Justice Department is reviewing those laws. Let's face it, isn't showing a picture ID the most practical way of insuring that the person trying to vote is the one who's eligible?? This is just another example of the lack of common sense, which seems to be running amok, even in the highest levels of our government. Now do you believe me when i say, "They're not all living in the villages?"