June 4, 2011

Schindler Sez
Don't retire until you expire.

The Dress

(An ad as it appeared in a British newspaper)
For sale: wedding dress ~ worn only once ~ by mistake.

The Steal Business

I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired what he did for a living, he answered,
"I'm in the iron and steel business."
"You are?"
"Yeah, my wife irons and I steal."

Undecided

Last night, at a Bishop Luers High School fund-raiser, I sat next to Father Widmann, my pastor at St. Peter's Catholic church. After a prolonged applause for one of the speakers, I leaned over and whispered this into the good priest's ear: "Father, I wanted to clap after one of your sermons, but I can't remember if it was because it was good or because it was over."
The Devil made me do it.

May 28, 2011

Schindler Sez
He who relies on luck to get ahead will be done in for when his luck runs out.

No Ties

When my wife, Fry and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear and open-neck shirt or a turtleneck with a sport coat. Recently, as we were getting ready to attend a wedding, the wife asked, "Aren't you going to wear a tie?"
"No."
"But everyone else will be wearing one," she insisted.
"You're probably right," I responded, "but they'll all be jealous of tieless Jim."
At the outdoor reception it was uncomfortably hot. When Fry spotted a group of guys, dressed appropriately for the occasion in their suits and ties, and sweating profusely, she told them about our tieless conversation and how I said all the guys would be jealous.
They chuckled and began to unloosen their ties, but still didn't have the courage to take them off. One of them then said, "God, I wish I had the guts to do that."
Moral: Sometimes it pays not to tie one on!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why cant' I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-to-gather, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good!"

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad, as sad can be,
While his wives droned on most endlessly.

Not a single word, could he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

May 21, 2011

Schindler Sez
Why can't I remember what I forgot?

No More Tricks

At our recent class of '52' get-together, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
"Are you going to do any more tricks?" Paul, who was sitting beside him, joked.
"No," Carl replied. "The first one didn't go over too good."

The Sad Bigamist
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
He looked as sad as sad can be,
While his wives droned on endlessly.

Not a single word would he get in,
And nary a spouse acknowledged him.
He was more content when he had but one,
But he was most content...when he had none.


The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women.

May 14, 2011

Schindler Sez
Over time, truth triumphs!

The Wiper

I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar. "Kim," I yelled at the bartender, "throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off."
"I'll get it." she replied from behind the bar.
"Just throw me the towel. I'm a pretty good wiper and I can prove it.
"You can?"
"Yeah, my briefs are spotless."

The Lousy Catch

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional way to propose marriage. If she caught it, it meant she accepted. But if she dropped it, did that mean he was a lousy catch or was she?

I'm Stick'n to it!

Did you know the earth gets heavier every due to falling space dust? That's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it!

May 7, 2011

Schindler Sez
What was so damn great about the Great Depression?

The Wet Bike

Three-year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch. On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
"What happened?" he asked.
Looking at daddy with those big, innocent, green eyes, she answered, "Bike went potty."

The Drunken Masseuse

If a masseuse had a drinking problem, would she be a massouse?

Mother's Day
On May the 8th,
You better see her,
If it weren't for ma,
You wouldn't be here!

Phew

Nothing irritates me more than someone driving in the passing lane holding up traffic and never passing anyone. When this happens, I assume they're either stupid, inconsiderate, texting, or have their heads in a very dark place. Phew!

April 30, 2011

Schindler Sez

It's not the size of one's head that counts ... it's what's in it.

No Phew

I went to a service at a new church today and it didn't have the traditional-style benches. Instead, they had padded chairs. Could it be that the parishioners didn't want to sit in their own phew?

Cyber and the Barbers

As my barber, Skip, was clipping me, he began to discuss Cyber Monday.
"Why do they call it Cyber Monday?" I asked.
"It's the day you can find all kinds of good deals on the Internet."
"Okay, but what does the word cyber mean?"
"I don't know,"he replied.
"They have cyber space, cyber cafes, cyber speak, cyber sex,and who knows what else. But what does cyber mean?" I again asked.
We then asked Mike, his partner and he didn't know. That's strange, I thought to myself. Most barbers think they're experts on things they know nothing about! And to hear, not one, but two say, "I don't know," obviously, as far as barbers are concerned, puts them on the cutting edge of truth.
Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Cyber is anything involving computers or computer networks, (such as the internet). That's according to Dan "the Man," Webster.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Schindler Sez
If I learned from all my mistakes ... I'd be pretty damn smart!

The Bread Man

It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, how in the world do they figure they saved it? Does it really matter if they bought the items on sale or paid full price? Isn't the result the same? Meaning, now they have less money than they had to begin with.
If I had a $100 and saved some more money, wouldn't I now have more than a hundred? Conversely, if I spend some of that money, no matter how good the deal, wouldn't I now have less? Logic would tell any rational person that spending money is not exactly the same as saving it. Hence, a sale is just a means for merchants to sell the gullible a bill of goods, while lightening their purses and convincing them that they actually saved money. If only I could get my wife to understand this, I'd save so much dough they'd call me the bread man!

No Rest

Usually, when I stop at a rest area ... I'm not tired.

April 16, 2011

Schindler Sez

Life is a little bit like the birth of a baby giraffe. If you don't stick your neck out, you're not going anywhere!

Gina

After talking to Gina our waitress at the Athenian restaurant, who has sort of an olive-colored skin, I asked, "Gina, are you Italian?"
"No, I'm three-quarters Indian."
"Indian? Like American Indian?"
"Yeah."
"Do they still wear loin cloths?" I jokingly asked.
"Sure, they have nothing to hide."

Twits
Are those who tweet on twitter ... twits?

Charlie's "Sheen" II

Charlie seems to have lost his sheen,
He's acting strange and a little mean.
But he doesn't care if he's the oddest,
He's got his millions and a sexy Goddess.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark ... never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen.
"Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up, "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house and the storm still hasn't passed.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom

Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 9, 2011

Schindler Sez
A wound from a cutting remark...never heals.

Rough Sailing

(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)

Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties. Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding a pair of Lisa's panties, she walked into the kitchen. "Look at these," Matt said, holding her panties up. "these suckers could sail a ship."
Needless to say, it has been rough sailing at Matt's house for many a day.

iPads
Are iPads sanitary?

No Drive

We should be careful about taking driving privileges away from the elderly. After all, do we want to lose our drive when we're old?

Words of Wisdom
Be tough minded...but tender hearted.

April 2, 2011

Schindler Sez
Even a fish wouldn't get caught if he kept his damn mouth shut!!

A Huge Celebration

If April Fool's Day was really for fools, one hell of a lot of people would be celebrating. Would you?

Mommy!

Whenever I'm following a huge four-wheel-dive SUV, inevitably, as it approaches a railroad crossing, the driver slows down to a crawl while cars, big and little, buzz right over the tracks. Recently, during a snow storm, traffic ahead of me was going at a snail's pace. Every now and again I could see a car buzz around whoever was holding traffic up. When I finally got close enough to see who the culprit was, believe it or not, it was a four-wheel-drive SUV. This got me to wondering, what would those macho mothers do if they really had to drive on rough terrain. Why, they'd probably call their mommies!

Charlie's "Sheen"
Charlie's sheen is not too bright,
It lost its glow that booze filled night.
But it put a smile upon his face
That you just can't get most any place.

March 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Money can't buy happiness and happiness can't money. But, wouldn't we all be happier if we had a little more money?

Arthuritis

As you age, and the doctor can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you...that old rascal Arthuritis always gets the blame.

Light's On

This past week, we went to a wedding in Montgomery, Alabama, and stayed in a nice hotel. Our total bill for three days, not including meals, was $441.05.
As we drove past a nearby Motel 6 on the way home, I noticed they had a sign that read, "Rooms, $39,99." That got me thinking, "Gee, if we stayed at the Motel 6, our bill with tax, would have been a little over forty-five bucks a night, for a grand total of $135. This meant that I would still have $286.05 in my pocket. Besides that, they would have left the light on for me!

Up?

If you put a drain in upside down, will it drain up?

March 19, 2001

Schindler Sez
The fruit of the vine...loosens the lips.

A Duck Groaner

While having lunch at Columbia Street Restaurant with my eight-eight-year-old mother-in-law, she mentioned they had duck burgers. "Duck burgers," I replied, "eating duck makes me laugh."
"It does?"
"Yeah, it quacks me up"

Slinkies
Some people are a lot like Slinkies. If you plush them down the stairs, it'll bring a smile to your face.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!

What's the dig deal about don't ask, don't tell? If you don't ask me, i won't tell. "But I know a lady who will tell, even if you don't ask.

No Joke

As we were driving during rush hour, we came upon a construction site ad immediately got into a traffic jam. "This is a joke," my wife said, somewhat irritated.
"If it's a joke," I replied, "Why ain't i laughing?"

March 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
A kind word is a joy forever.

Tanks

In gratitude for the Army's help in forcing Hosni Mubarak out of office, the people of Egypt say, "Tanks."

The Shack

I've seen a lot of shacks in my time, but none of them could play basketball.

Not Work

If you can't wait to get up in the morning and go to work, you don't work. Because when you do what you truly love to do...it's not work.

I Like You

Phil, a scrawny, nerdy-looking, young lawyer, just graduated from law school. His first client was a huge man with a rap sheet as long as your arm. While he was studying his client's lengthy record, the lawbreaker asked, "How long have you been lawyering?"
Phil glanced at him, hesitated for a moment to choose the right words and then answered, "Not as long as you've been breaking the law."
"Booooy...I like you!" the accused replied with a big smile, much to Phil's relief.

The Lost Marbles

The Indiana House members who fled to an Illinois hotel to avoid doing the job they were elected to do, reminds me of the kid who didn't think he could win, if he played by the rules, so he took his marbles and went home.
Could it be that the Indiana House members took off because they already lost theirs?

March 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

The difference between the shanty Irish and lace curtain Irish, is about $30,000 a year.

An Irish Cheer
Let's give the Irish a cheer,
For shamrocks, corn beef and green beer.
And to St. Patty I say,
Drive the snakes all away,
But please, leave the good people here.

O'Schindler

O'Connolly, McGuire and me,

In a pub, having a jar, just we three.

"Are you Irish?" they asked,

As they passed me the flask,

"I'm as Irish as O'Schindler can be!"

An Old Irish Tale

Did you hear the one about the Irishman who walked past a pub? It could happen!

An Ode to Saint Patrick

Lets honor Patrick the Saint,
In a way that we think is quaint.
With Bandido's fajitas and green Margaritas,
Cause Irish we certainty ain't

Happy St. Patrick's Day to O'Connolly, McGuire and Ye

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat Me Down

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at out airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be/ Body scans and pat-downs, or suicide bombers and blow ups? The choice is obvious!
FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2,996) than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2,350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started with an "F", he said "Flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for, "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 26, 2011

Schindler Sez

Strive to rise above average. For if you're average, you're just another face in the crowd.

Pat me down!

Why are so many people upset about the increased security at our airports? If they had full body scanners and more intense pat downs in 2001, 9/11 would probably never have happened and 2996 people would still be living. Either we implement those stronger security measures, or we risk a repeat of the 9/11 incident. So what shall it be? Body scans and pat downs, or suicide bombers ad blow ups? The choice is obvious!

FYI: There were more people killed in the 9/11 attacks (2996), than were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor (2350), which caused the United States to declare war on Japan (December 7, 1941).

The "F" Word

In William's pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was "F". When the teacher asked William to give her a word that started win an "F", he said "flatulate."
"William," the teacher said, somewhat taken aback, "do you know what that word means?"
"Yeah, my grandpa Steve, said it's the scientific word for "Toot."
Aren't grandpas smart?

February 19, 2011

Schindler Sez
When women's lib come in the door, chivalry flew out the window.

Confused by the Facts

I asked a radical environmentalist, aka tree hugger, "If there really is global warming, how do you explain the extremely cold winter we're now having?"
"Oh, that's part of the global warming process," she replied.
"Now let me get this straight, you maintain extreme cold is part of global warming, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Gee, I'm soooo dumb. I thought hot weather caused global warming and cold weather caused global cooling. But I guess I'm confused by the facts."

I'll Take Heads

God gave us tow ends, one to sit on and the other to think with. Your success depends on which one you use the most. Heads you win, tails you lose.
Anonymous

Be Cyber

I knew a lady who worked on a computer all day long and I must say, "She was a calculating wench." That's why I never sat be cyber.

February 12, 2011

Schindler Sez
The more you love...the better you'll feel.

Love is Wonderful

Love is a wonderful thing, the more you give, the more you get. And no matter how much love you give, you'll never run out!

The Result
St. Valentine's Day is for lovers,
That's what the poets say,
But the result of their love'n
Is just nine months away.

She could use it!

When Brian walked into the house, his wife met him with, "You forgot today was Valentine's Day again, didn't you?"
"No," Brian lied, "I was going to get you a box of candy, but I figured you were sweet enough."
After her tirade, Brian thought, she's not really that sweet, I should have gotten that box of candy!"

Happy Birthday, Abe...wish you were here!

February 5, 2011

Schindler Sez

If you surround yourself with dumb asses, sooner or later you'll fit right in.

God Bless America

If our founding fathers didn't want prayers in the courthouse, the schoolhouse, or any other public place ... wouldn't they have banned them back then?
Personally, I don't give a damn what anyone else says, to me it's still one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. And I'll pray any damn place I please. God bless America!

Opinions

"Most opinions are worth about what you ay for them ... or less.

The Beautiful Snow
I like snow. Why? Because it's tough sledding without it!

WikiLeaks

Anyone who leaks as much as Wiki ... must have the peezles.

January 29, 2011

Schindler Sez

Everyone has a photographic memory, but not too many people get the picture.

Can you imagine a world with out men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

--Nicole Hollander

Can you imagine a world without women? No nagging and lots of beer, sports and merriment.

--Schindler

You Be The Judge

Have you noticed that the cheats, liars, murderers' and other lawbreakers are never sorry until they get caught" Which makes me wonder, are they really sorry, or are they just pretending to be, so they'll get a lighter sentence? Some of the sentences being handed out definitely show, that in a lot of cases, many judges can't tell the difference.

The Spigot

Now that I'm in my mid-70s and have finally reached middle age, sometimes, for no reason at all, my eyes will start watering and the tears pour down my cheeks. This really irritates me because I didn't turn the spigot on.

January 22, 2011

Schindler Sez
Never try to please everybody...it can't be done!

The Laughing Dutchman

Jon came to the United States from Holland 50 years ago, when he was only five years old. After talking with him for a while, Eric asked, "Do they still have windmills in Holland, or just windbags?"
"A little bit of both," Jon answered, laughing."
Jon's laughter told Eric his comment didn't get him in Dutch.

Old vs. New

Far too many years ago, it used to be how good can we build it? Now it seems to be, how cheap can we build?If you don't believe me, just compare the old churches, government building, etc, to the new ones.

The Last shall be First

Is it true that the sinners and holier-than-thous sit in front of the church, the faithful in the middle, and the quick escape artists in the back? All I know is the Bible says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." So, since I was the last one in, and since I believe in the Bible, I feel like I'm obligated to be the first one out. See ya!

The Haters
Ninety percent of all women haters...are women!

January 15, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you were never naughty, you never had much fun.

We See You

Never do brain surgery with your index finger while you're driving. We can still see you!

The Leftovers

Jim was attending a University of St. Francis' football game with his friends Tom and Margie. At halftime, he decided to go get something to eat. On returning to his seat, Jim started to wolf down his chili dogs, like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. As a result, chili sauce began to dribble all over his tie. (Don't you dare to think it was me; I don't wear a tie). Anyway, Margie noticed and said, "Jim, you're getting chili sauce all over you tie."
"That's okay," Jim replied, "When I get home, I'll put it in the freezer and have it for lunch."

Love & Alcohol

Alcohol increases the desire, but ruins the performance.

--Paraphrasing Shakespeare

January 8, 2011

Schindler Sez
A girl always seem prettier, when her daddy's rich.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Would Santa be as jolly, if he was skinny?

The Beer Salesman

Throughout the first half of the 1900s, beer salesmen would make their rounds of the taverns in their area, trying to convince the thier clients t0 drink their particular brand of beer. Usually, the salesmen would buy all the patrons in the bars they visited, a round of the beer they were pushing, hoping they might like it and start to drink that brand..
It didn't take too long for the thirsty sots, excuse me, I mean customers, to figure out the salesman's modus operandi. For example, when the salesman would leave Decatur, Indiana's, Green Kettle, one of the customers would run out the back door and spread the word to his buddies, who were also exceedingly fond of anything brewed, that he was in town. Then it was just a matter of following him, like the rats followed the Pied Piper, from bar to bar, enjoying the complimentary nectar of the gods. After all, the local imbibers theorized, It wouldn't be polite to refuse such a gracious offer.
Needless to say, the day the beer salesman showed up, was an auspicious occasion, and at least on that day, he was definitely the most popular guy in town. Bottoms up. Hic!

January 1, 2011

Schindler Sez
If you go looking for trouble...you'll usually find it.

The Break

You can break a glass, you can break a leg, and you can bust your butt, but what gets broken more than anything in the world? New Year's resolutions!

My Resolution
I made a resolution on,
New Year's Day to keep,
No matter how I struggled,
I broke it in a week.

Oh Lord, give me the strength
To keep, the promise that I made,
To do not things I shouldn't do,
And help me to behave.

I can resist most everything,
I know that's good for me,
But I can't resist temptation,
Without the help of Thee.

So Lord, please hold me in your hand,
But squeeze me not too tight,
And let me loose in a couple of hours,
Cause tonight is Saturday night.

December 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
Short sermons make happy parishioners.

The Egg & Nog

Rudolph had a red nose,
The reindeer were agog.
They thought it was a miracle,
But he loved his egg and nog!

Jason's Hope

Twenty-seven-year-old Jason called his father after he checked into a four-star hotel in Chicago. "Dad, they're having a Victoria Secret audition here and there must be a least a thousand girls in the hotel."
"Are they cute?"
"They're gorgeous. They have to be, to be Victoria Secret models.
"Are you going to ask one out?"
"Yeah, but I figure if I ask them all out, one of them is bound to say yes!"

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

To all my readers and friends in Decatur and Adams County, you're the best!

December 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

When incompetence gets in our way, it's the computer's fault.

Cats & Dogs & Santa Claus

If cats call their Santa, Santa Claws, what do dogs cal theirs...Santa Paws!

The Bird

"Mom's canary died," my wife, Fry, informed me. But I got her another one and you won't believe how much it cost."
"How much?"
"A hundred and ten dollars."
"You're serious?"
"Yes, a hundred and ten dollars."
"That's a lot, considering people give me the bird for nothing."

Light up his Night
Give him a Coleman for Christmas...it'll light up his night.

December 11, 2010

Schindler Sez
Retirement is the Grim Reaper's helper.

A Farve

He pulled a Favre.
Translation: he changed his mind.

The Good Neighbor

Mike phoned his neighbor. "Hey Tom, wanna have a scotch?"
"Sure."
"Do you have any?"
"Yeah."
"That's great...bring it over with you."

Christmas Bills

Why does Santa get all the credit and all I get is the bills?

December 4, 2010

Schindler Sez
No one likes criticism...even if it's the truth.

It's Bad

Is the stench in the White House so bad that even Rahm had to get the hell out of there?

Looking Stupid

Whenever I see a driver doing something stupid, if I have an opportunity to pass him, I always glance over to see what stupid looks like and usually I'm not disappointed.

Women!

I was sitting at the breakfast table and when my wife walked over, I intentionally looked into my empty coffee cup for a second or two. Somewhat aggravated , she said, "If you wanted some more coffee, why didn't you let me know?"
"Well," I replied, "I thought if I snapped my fingers or whistled; you'd get mad!"
If looks could kill, I'd be dead! Women...they have no sense of humor.

Question

Do alligators call their Santa...Santa Jaws?

November 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
Something is better than nothing!

Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter to me," the customer replied, "I'm bi-sacksual!

In Reverse

Dan was having dinner with his buddy, John, and his wife, Sue, when the conversation turned to women."Women, "Dan said, "are trouble."
"You better reverse that," Sue, snapped.
"Okay,"Dan replied, "Trouble are women."

Can you believe she said this"

"We have to pass the bill (Obama Care), so you can find out what's in it."
--Nancy Pelosi

November 20, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you take enough steps, you'll get there.


That Smarts

I'm going in for hernia surgery Friday and frankly I'm a little concerned whenever anyone is cutting that close to my manhood. What if the scalpel slipped? Uhooo, I bet that smarts!

The Turkeys

No matter how many turkeys are consumed on Thanksgiving, there will always be plenty to go around. Why...I'll bet you even know a few!

The Cocky Wife

A lady friend once told me, "My husband rules the roost, but I rule the rooster."
Hmmmm, I thought to myself, maybe that's why she's so cocky.

November 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
We believe what we perceive.

The Watch

Cable TV is becoming so expensive that in may cases it cost more than a car payment, which makes me ask, "Is it worth the watch?"

Go Figure

Obama wants everyone to prove they're insured, but they don't have to prove they're citizens. Go figure!

Nameless

Carol, being a dutiful niece, went to see her Aunt Mildred, who was suffering from Alzheimer's and was now in a nursing home. "Do you know who I am?" she asked auntie upon entering her room.
"If you don't know who you are, how do you expect me to know who you are? Hell, I don't even know who I am!"

November 6,2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to wear shoes to tie one on.

The Silent Prayer

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The English Lesson

Indiana State Police Officer, Andy, pulled over a young lady whose license plate light was not working. When she rolled down her window, he detected a strong smell of marijuana. Upon searching her vehicle, he found an ample supply of the weed. The perpetrator's first name, according to her driver's license was Le-a, so Andy said, "Well Le-a, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown."
"My name's not Le-a, it's Le-dash-a. The dash ain't silent, fool!"
With a big grin, Andy thought to himself, it isn't every day I get a free English lesson.

A Doggie's Tale
If your dog's fat...you're not getting enough exercise.

Anonymous

October 30, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's a rare bird that does something for nothing.

Never Never

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket, unless you know how much they're going to take.

The Wiener!

As I was enjoying lunch at the Coney Island hot-dog stand, my waiter came over and asked how I liked my dogs.
"They're wieners," I replied.
He looked at me, shook his head as he walked away and didn't even smile. I guess he didn't think it was that bun-ny.

Wise Words

It's alright to help those who can't...but not those who won't.
Thomas K (only) Hurst

October 23, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't have it...don't spend it.

RPMs

My wife, Fry, asked me why there is a huge RPM gauge in most cars, which, if the truth were known, the majority of drivers have no idea what it means, or what it is for. I know it means revolutions per minute. But, how many revolutions should it be doing at any given time, is still a mystery to me and I'm sure to a lot of other folks.
After discussing how many people really didn't know what it's for, Fry, to prove a point, called Irene, her 88-year-old mother, and asked if she knew what it meant. "Heavens, no," Irene answered, "I don't even turn the radio on."

When

When did a caramel become a care-a-mel?

Compromise

A compromise is an agreement where neither party gets what they wanted.

--Anonymous

October 16, 2010

Schindler Sez
Sometimes it's better to bite your tongue than to tell the truth!

A Fool's Drink

"Gin is a fool's drink. "When I was young," Jim reminisced, "I thought it made me smart, strong, and a stud. But, in actuality, it made me weak, stupid, and a dud."

The Path to Nowhere

Be true to yourself and follow your own path. Whenever you abandon your faith and beliefs and blindly follow the herd that has no idea what it's doing or where it's going, it will definitely take you down the road of sorrow and regret.

Calling

Calling an illegal foreigner an "Undocumented Immigrant," is a little bit like calling a drug dealer an "Unlicensed Pharmacist."

October 9, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's not how long you talk, it's what you say that counts!

Better Quit

My friend, Ed, whom I haven't seen for two or three years, dropped in for a visit and after the usual greetings, I said, "Ed, you look great. How old are you now?
"I'm eighty-four."
"Eighty-four." I repeated, somewhat amazed at how young he looked.
Then, noticing me glance at the cigarette between his fingers, he held up his hand, flicked the ash off the butt, took a big drag and said with a smirk, "Yeah, I guess I better quit, cause I sure as hell don't wanna die young."

The Idiots
Every village used to have one...now they're all in Congress!

Too Busy

The problem with retirement is...you can never take a day off.

--Jerry Henry Sr.

Schindler Sez
Sometimes when people say, "No problem," there is.

Prince Poppycock

After watching, "America's Got Talent," and discussing Prince Poppycock's performance, my eighty-eight-year-old mother-in-law, Irene, said, "I couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl."
"Don't worry," I replied, "I'm not sure he knows."

The Nose Knows

My twenty-five-year-old daughter, Rachel, said, "Dad, you've sure got a big nose."
"It wasn't quite this big when I was young" I replied. "You know your nose keeps growing as you age."
"Dad," she answered, "I just looked at your wedding picture, and you had a big nose then."

Wise Words

If you think something small can't make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.
--Anonymous

September 25, 2010

Schindler Sez
A gloomy day dampens the spirit.

The Miracle

This past Sunday at St. Peter's, attendance was rather sparse when Mass began. A minute or two later, my son, Jimmie, and his wife, Katie, came in and sat next to me. Whispering into Jimmie's ear, I said, "I just prayed to God to send over some more sinners because there's plenty of room, and in you walked"!

Entitlement

The only thing anyone is entitled to...is what they work for.

Pherd

Pherd, an elderly gentleman, was having a little difficulty walking. This Sunday he came to church using a cane.
"Pherd," I asked, "Does that cane make you able?"

September 18, 2010

Schindler Sez

If courtesy is contagious...a lot of people still haven't caught it!

Harry and the Manure

At least 50 years ago, someone told me the following story about President Harry (give em hell) Truman. I really don't know if it's true or not, but it's a damn good story. During a speech to a bunch of farmers, President Truman encouraged them to use plenty of manure to insure a good harvest. After using the term manure several times, the lady sitting next to his wife Bess, whispered in her ear. "Can't you get him to say fertilizer instead of manure?"
"Goodness gracious," Bess replied, "If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say manure."

The Fortunates

Fortunate is the man who makes more money than his wife can spend. Extremely fortunate is the woman who marries such a man.

September 11, 2010

Schindler Sez

Generally speaking, we don't hear the things we don't to hear.

The Fuzz

My old buddy, Joe Jauregui, and I went into the West End restaurant for lunch. When our waitress brought us our drinks, it looked like she was trying to pick something off the table.
"What are you doing,?" I asked.
"Oh, I'm just trying to pick some fuzz off the table."
"Good," I replied. "I hate fuzz...especially when it's in my navel."

Another Wives Tale

I's practically impossible to snore with your mouth closed. Could that be the reason so many wives tell their husbands to keep their mouths shut?

Wise Words
In the race for quality there is no finish line.
Greek Proverb

September 4, 2010

Schindler Sez

Thank God for computers. For without them, who would we blame our screw-ups on?

Close To

Whenever someone ask Lary for directions, he replies, "Don't give me the address. Just tell me what tavern or liquor store it's close to and I'll get you there."

The Investor's Creed

When the stock market's up, he's a genius.
When the market's down, his broker's an idiot.

Ta-Ta's

There is a T-shirt business called Save The Ta-Ta's. I assume the owners thought the name, Ta-Ta's, would be titillating enough to get everyone's attention...especially the men's.

August 28, 2010

Schindler Sez

If a lot of folks could see their rear view, they wouldn't wear tight pants.

The Signs

While driving over to our son's house, I asked my wife, Fry, "Why do stop signs have eight sides when I only have two?"
Staring at me, with a you-can't-be-serious-look, she said, "That's about the stupidest thing you've ever said. It's like asking, why are railroad signs round, when your head's square?"
Hmmm, I thought, maybe that's why my hat won't fit!'

Beer & Happiness

"Beer is proof that God loves and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

It is

It is what it is, because it's not what it was. However, if it is what it was, it couldn't be what it is.

August 21, 2010

Schindler Sez

The unexpected always happens when you don't expect it.

The Ghost

I attended Catholic schools many many years ago, when I was a kid. Back then, our prayers always started with, "In the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen." A few years ago, the Holy Ghost was replaced by the Holy Spirit. I never could figure out why the church changed it. After all, don't you think the "Ghost" would scare the devil out of a lot more sinners than the "Spirit"?

Two Concerns

Most Politicians have two main concerns. The first is to get elected, or re-elected, and the second is to enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense. Why do you think they spend thousands, if not millions to get (re)elected?

The Happy Organ

The kidney must be the happiest organ in the body. After all, isn't it the only one that gets stoned?

August 14, 2010

Schindler Sez

The problem with being average is...it's so common!

The Unspoken Truth

One should always be able to speak the truth. However, nowadays a lot of folks are reluctant to do so if the truth is not considered politically correct. Suppressing the truth in favor of political correctness has been instrumental in spawning many despotic, socialistic, and fascist societies. And we all know what happened to them. Finally, what is oft-times considered "politically correct," is not always "correct."

A Wife's Duty

I think every housewife believes it's her duty to teach her husband humility. And if at first they don't succeed, as the old saying goes, "They try, try again!"

New Lows

Whenever one's hormones or testosterone affect one's thinking process...logic and common sink to new lows. Just ask me!

July 31, 2010

Schindler Sez
It looks like the Tiger isn't out of the Woods yet.

The Fun Party

Wouldn't the "Tea Party have a lot more fun if they changed their name to the "Long Island Ice Tea Party?" Why, even I'd join!

Partnership

When I was in the seventh grade an old farmer who lived next door gave me this advice. I can still recall it, even though at the time I didn't understand what he meant and I wondered why he was telling it to me. He said, "Son, always remember partnership is a poor ship to sail!" How I wish I had listened to that old man, because it could have saved me a lot of rough sailing!

Nine Months

When I was around 65 years old, I gave my wife my best sexy look and boastfully announced, "Were going to have one more kid."
Giving me her best you must be nuts look, she replied, "We are?"
"Yeah...nine months from tonight!"

August 7, 2010

Schindler Sez

When people start to slow down as they approach a green light fearing it'll turn red, they're usually right.

Only in California

Did you ever listen to the clueless people Jay Leno questions on the sidewalks of California? Obviously, they couldn't find the bathroom if they had the floor plan. And those suckers vote! Oh, my God...that's how she got elected!

A Generational Thing

Maybe it's just a generational thing (which usually means anyone over 50 is a clueless old fart), but whenever I get a new electronic device like a camera, TB, camcorder, or whatever, after studying the manual I'm still lucky if I can turn the damn thing on.
I know these devices are a lot more complex than they used to be, which obviously makes them much harder to operate. However, I'd be willing to wager that a good number of the special features are never used.
I'm sure if these electronic gadgets were simplified, and have just an on/off button, one to record, view, reverse, and delete, they'd sell a lot more of them. Not only to older folks, but also to quite a few younger people who are like me, technically challenged. Thank God, I have kids that can show me how those damn things work. Otherwise, technically speaking of course, I'd be an ignoramus!
Please...no comments from the peanut gallery.

July 24, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you're out of your league...don't play the game.

Squish

Since we've eradicated almost all of the wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other predators, just think how many raccoons, possums, skunks, and who knows what else we'd have, if it weren't for the greatest predator of them all...the automobile. And that's flat out the truth. Squish!

Holly's Sideburns

Holly just got a new hairdo, and for some reason the beautician pulled two strands of hair down along the front of her ears. When I first saw her,I thought they resembled Elvis' sideburns. So naturally, being an insensitive slob, I said, "Why the sideburns?"
That evening when she went home, she asked her husband, Steve, "Do you know what Jimmie said to me today when he saw my new hairdo?"
"No, what?" Steve answered. He said, "Why the sideburns?
"Well, " Steve replied, "I was wondering when you're going to shave."

July 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

Lary Knows Lary

"Lary," his friend, Pizzie, asked, "have you ever been married?"
"Nope," Lary answered, "I'm not that stable."

The Country Conception

One Sunday, in a small rural, Indiana town, Jerry dropped into his son Dave's house for a visit. After jawing for awhile, they decided to go get some more beer. Somewhere outside of town, on a dusty, remote, country road, Jerry pulled over and just sat there.
"Why did ya pull over her for, dad? Do you have to go?"
"No, son, I just wanted you to see where you were conceived. But don't tell your mother I showed ya."

More Wise Words

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have."

--Thomas Jefferson

July 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
Want rain? Wash your car.

The Addictions

Thirty-year-old, Bill was telling his friend Dan, "I was addicted to alcohol and if it wasn't for Alcoholic Anonymous; I'd probably still be one."
"I had an addiction once," Dan confessed.
"You did?"
"Yeah, I was addicted to sex...but my wife cured me!"

Wise Words

Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them later!

...most bad government results from too much government.
--Thomas Jefferson

July 3, 2010

Schindler Sez

I've been to San Francisco and , thank God I didn't leave my heart there because I wouldn't want people to think I'm a heartless old...well you get the idea.

You Cannot

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

--Abraham Lincoln

The Calves

Jimmie's mom said to her friend, Mary, "Look at his calves."
"Wow," her friend exclaimed, "they're huge! They look just like yours. But, I have to admit, they look a lot better on a guy!"

The Fourth

It's amazing how much a fifth will make the Fourth more fun.

June, 26, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't spend your way to prosperity!

Buttercup

Bill and Dave were remodeling Lisa's kitchen when she asked, "Bill, what's the name of your helper? I've never met him."
"Oh, we just call him Buttercup."
Later, when Lisa wanted to ask Dave something, called out Buttercup several time to get his attention. Finally, he turned around, looked at her, then the dog, and started back to work.
Lisa, a little red-faced from embarrassment, approached Bill with, "You don't really call him Buttercup, do you?"
Despite that embarrassing episode, to this very day, whenever Lisa runs into Dave she, good naturedly of course, call him Buttercup. But, if she really knew him, she wouldn't call him that, because he doesn't smell that sweet.

The Black Sheep
If you don't know who the black sheep of your family is...it's you!
-Craig Huse

June 19, 2010

Schindler Sez

The smartest kid in the class is not necessarily the one with the best grades.

As a Rule
As a rule a man's a fool.
When it's hot he wants it cool.
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not!
-Anonymous

Sit
Did you ever notice that when you were a kid, you were told to sit up, and now that you've grown up, you're told to sit down?" Or don't you give a sit?

The Lost Ping

I'm so dumb that years ago, when I played table tennis, I thought I was playing ping-pong. Oh well, as I aged, I guess I did lose a lot of ping in my pong.

June 12, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you want to see your worst picture, look at your driver's license.

The Author

My baptismal name is James Arthur Schindler. However, since I have written two books and am currently writing a couple of newspaper columns, my wife now calls me James Author. "But," she warned me, "don't let it go to your head, it's already fat enough!"

The Good Kisser

Even though his ratings sucked, NBC paid Conan O"Brien something like $32.5 million to leave, and Conan griped that NBC gave him the short end. I wish someone would mistreat me like that. If they did, instead of complaining, I'd kiss their derriere. And my wife says I'm a pretty good kisser, in case anyone wants to take me up on the offer and give me $32.5 million.

A Dark Condition

People who text while driving, are indubitably suffering from that rapidly growing condition called uppis.

June 5, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you don't try...nothing happens.

Before, During, or After?

As I was having breakfast with my old Decatur friends, Bob Cook, who will turn 90 this month; Sim Haines, who is 85; and Joe Jauregui, who is only 73, Sim mentioned that tonight a really good movie "Broken Trail," was going to be on TV. "It's four hours long, he went on, looking at Bob. "So you'd better take a nap."
"Before, during, or after?"Bob quipped with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin.

A German Fry

My wife's maiden name is Freistroffer, and her first name is Fry. It really is! But, I want you all to know she's not a French Fry, she's a German Fry.

Twice

"I made a mistake once."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I got married twice!"

May 29, 2010

Schindler Sez
It's always easy...when you know how!

The Thinker

A few years ago there was a popular slogan, "Think before you drink." So when a preacher ran into a young man who just stumbled out of a bar, he said, "Son, did you ever hear the slogan, "Think before you drink?"
"I am thinking," the young man answered slurring his words.
"You are?" questioned the preacher man.
"Yeah, I'm thinking about having one more...before I have another."

Not Another

I must admit that I enjoy life, like to kid around and am kind of a funny guy. So today, when my office manager, Holly, told a corny joke, my son, Jimmie, looked at me and said, "Dad, she's turning into you."
"Oh God," I replied, "I hope not. I couldn't stand another me!"

Definition

Uppis: what a person is suffering from when he goes around with his head uppis derriere.

May 22, 2010

Schindler Sez

I don't care what they say or write about me, as long as they spell my name right. And it doesn't start with Shi, even though that might suit some people to a "t".

You go, Uncle Milty!

There is an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Or, as Uncle Milty (Milton Berle) so wisely put it, "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

No Principals

One day, shortly after my sister-in-law, Mary Keefer, was appointed principal of Bishop Luers High School, I called her to congratulate her on her new position. "Mary," I said, "Congratulations! I didn't know you had any, and now you are one!"

I'm Here

Sometimes when I'm at a restaurant, the server will deliver the food, set it down, and say, "There you go."
I then reply, "Where do I go? I thought I was here!"

www.jamesaschindler.com

May 15, 2010

Schindler Sez
You can't teach what you don't know!

The Lousy Excuse

We've all heard the excuse, "I don't have time," which really means I don't want to do it. But isn't it strange how people can always find the time to do the things they want to do?

Not So Fast Doc

About 10 years ago, my 13-year-old, Rachel went in for back surgery. A few minutes before she was to be wheeled into the operating room, Dr. Buchholz came in to explain the procedure to us. He told us what he was going to do, and then said that the surgery usually took about three hours. He also explained that since Dr. La Salle was going to assist him, he felt that he would be finished in about an hour and a half. Rachel was listening intently, but when he said that, she raised her head off the cart, looked at the good doctor and said, "Dont rush it!"

A Clean Ending

If all the paperwork in the world was put on highly absorbent sheets, two ends could be served!

May 8, 2010

Schindler Sez
You don't have to own the tree...to enjoy the fruit!

Baustin and the Cop

In Lima, Ohio, there is an intersection which has a sign reading "no left turn," since turning left meant that you'd have to cross a five-lane highway. However, Angie looked both ways and, seeing no traffic, or cops, decided to save time and made a left turn. In a matter of seconds, she heard the wail of a siren and saw flashing lights in her rearview mirror.
As soon as the patrolman approached her car, Baustin, her four and a half year-old-son, yelled, "Are we going to jail?"
The trooper chuckled and said, "No, son, I just want to talk to your mother." On getting the information he needed, he returned to his squad car.
A couple of minutes later, as the patrolman again approached the perpetrator's car, Baustin excitedly shouted out the window, "Are we going to be on "Cops"?"

Not Enough

I know a guy who wanted a job as a census taker, but he didn't have enough fingers.

May 1, 010

Schindler Sez
I know an old grouch who is about as happy as he's never been.

That's Fair

Life isn't always fair and sometimes bad things do happen to good people. But overall, more good things happen to the good than to the bad, and more bad things happen to the bad than to the good...and that's fair!

Three Steps to Professional Excellence

Be well groomed and dress appropriately.
Act like a professional in your speech an mannerisms.
Continuously learn as much as possible about your profession.

Grandma Knows

"My goodness, Joe," Grandma said, "You sure are losing your hair."
"Grass doesn't grow on a race track," Joe answered.
"Right," Grandma replied, "and it doesn't grow on a cement block, either!"

April 24, 2010

Schindler Sez

If you don't believe there are a lot of idiots out there, you haven't been driving much!

David

On TV, a few months ago, it showed the renowned, seventeen foot marble statue of the nude David by Michelangelo. One of the observers was a young boy about six years old. Upon viewing the statue, he said, "Gee dad, it looks like he just came out of the water!"

The Good Investment

When Tom told Max, he lent Larry fifty bucks, Max said, "Are you nuts? He's borrowed money from everyone in town. You can kiss that fifty bucks goodbye."
"Oh no," Tom responded. That's the best money I've ever spent!"
"How do you figure?" Max wanted to know.
"Because I'll never see that son-of-a-bitch again!"

There Egos
A man who is satisfied with himself doesn't need an ego.
--Thomas (K only) Hurst

Why

Why do they put turn signals on cars when nobody uses them?
--Joey

April 17, 2010

Schindler Sez

We all have flaws. I'd tell you mine...but it would take too long!

Bed Head

Today's disheveled men's hairstyles seem to be all the fashion. However, when I grew up in the 1940s and '50s, we called those styles exactly what they seemed to be...bad cases of "bed head."

Almost Ready

Did you ever notice that when the wife says, "Okay, honey, I'm ready, (meaning she's ready to leave), she's not? What she truly means is she'll be ready sometime in the near future!

The Chile Bowl

Five-year-old Nathan was listening to his mother tell her friend about Margie's forthcoming nuptials.
"Where is she getting married?" her friend asked.
"In Chile."
"Chile?"
"Yes, Chile."
"Wow," Nathan said in awe, "they really must have a big bowl!"

Can't never did noth'n!

April 10, 2010

Schindler Sez
If you never had any bad times...you've never lived.

I'll Kill Ya

Rachel's dad was 50 years older than she was. Several times she told him that he better not die before she got married, because she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. One day, when the subject again came up, she blurted out, "Dad, you better not die before I get married...or I''ll kill ya!"

By Hook or by Crook

Because a politician got elected doesn't mean that he/she was the smartest or most qualified candidate. It just means that , either by hook or by crook, they got the most votes.

The Tiger

It's a jungle out there...even for the "Tiger," and I ain't lion.

Larry's Definition
Viagra: a combination of Miracle Grow and Fix a Flat.

Sneezles

When most people sneeze, they sneeze once or twice. Some folks sneeze tow or three times. Anyone who sneezes more than that obviously has the sneezles!

April 3, 2010

Schindler Sez
Truth: a word foreign to most politicians.

The Nice Trooper

Indiana State Trooper Andy was taking a young man to jail for DUI. "You sure a nice guy," the intoxicant said.
"What makes you say that?" Andy asked.
"Cause you didn't faser me."
"You mean taser?"
"No man, Faser, that's what we call it in the hood."
"What's your name?" Andy asked.
"James Bond."
"James Bond; are you sure?"
"Yes sir, that's my name. Boy, you sure are nice. The last time I got arrested I didn't have my ID, and when I told the cop my name was James Bond, he hit me with his flashlight."
"Well," Andy joked, "I guess he was lucky you didn't put his light out!"

March Madness
March madness is driving me nuts!

March 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
A lot of women will do almost anything...except clean the house!

Can I Go?

A lady friend excitedly told me that she was going to New York City on a bus trip with a group of women this weekend.
"Are you going to the opera?" I asked.
"No."
"To a Broadway play?"
"No."
"Sightseeing?" "
"No, we're going shopping."
"Shopping? You mean you're going all the way to New York to go shopping?"
"Yeah, you can get Coach Purses really cheap there."
"What does the trip cost?"
"It cost 350 bucks. That's for the bus and hotel."
"Does that include meals?"
"No, we have to buy them."
"Let me get this straight," I said, somewhat puzzled. "You mean to tell me you're going to spend three days and 350 bucks plus, to save 30 bucks on a purse?" Sounds like a real deal to me. Can I go along?"

March 20, 2010

Schindler Sez

Too many people live lives of faded, unfulfilled dreams!

Twenty Minutes

A few days ago I stopped off at the pharmacy to get a prescription for an old friend. The paharmist took one look at it and said, "This'll take about 20 minutes."
"Twenty minutes? Doesn't that come pre-packaged?"
"Yesssss."
"Then just hand me the package, and I'll pay and be on my way."
"But I have other orders ahead of you."
"Other orders," I said, looking around. "There's no one else here!"
With a scowl on his face, the pharmacist took my prescription and disappeared behind the counter.
But I have to admit he was right. It took 20 minutes!

The Badge
A Rolex is a badge of insecurity.
Thomas K. (only) Hurst

March 13, 2010

Schindler Sez
Rich is when you don't have to work,
and still have enough money to live comfortably.

The Unfashionable Designers

Fashion is a matter of opinion, personal preference, and taste. Just because some New York, tinkle toed designer doesn't care for a particular type of clothing, doesn't mean it's not in good taste or stylish. Have you ever noticed how some of those fashion gurus look and dress? Enough said!

Not Anywhere

Louie was having dinner with his wife at their favorite restaurant, Bandido's, when she noticed that he had slopped salsa all over the front of his shirt.
"Look at you," she said disgustedly, "your shirt is a mess. It's embarrassing!"
"Sorry," he answered, "I guess i just cant take myself anywhere."

A Fairy Tale?

Is the global warming story just another fairy tale?

March 6, 2010

Schindler Sez

It's hard to have a sunny disposition on a rainy day.

If you think the poem on the following blog is too taxing, you ain't seen noth'n yet.

Death & Taxes
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tas his ties, and tax his shirt.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his income, tax his cash.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,
Taxes drove him to his doom.
And when he's gone, he can't relax,
He still must pay inheritance tax!

Death & Taxes
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tax his ties and tax his shirt.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his income, tax his cash.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his toomb,
Taxes drove him his doom.
And when he's gone, he can't relax,
He still must pay inheritance tax!
Anonymous

February 27, 2010

Schindler Sez
When you stop getting old...you're dead.

Even Congress doesn't want it!

If we can't have the same health-care plan that Congress has, then they should be covered by the same program they're trying to shove down our throats. If it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for them. But, you can bet your sweet derriere Congress won't agree, because theirs is a hundred times better!

The Good Framer

Recently, I bought a painting and as I was paying for it, the clerk asked if I would like it framed.
"Who's going to frame it? I asked.
"I am," she replied.
"Are you any good?"
"I'm fabulous," she answered. "There is only one person better than me, and he taught me how, but he's retired now."
"Well," I quipped, "If you're that good, you must be frameous!"